Kids say the darndest things and most definitely DO the weirdest things too.
In A Time Long Long Ago
My wife is currently upstairs reading the phone book to my 3 year old son, like a bedtime story. At his request. He’s kind of an odd dude in that he does things that only make sense to him.. But I guess that’s the age. The phone book thing is a head-scratcher, though Source
Make Good Choices
The other day I was leaving my sister’s and my 4 year old nephew yelled out the window “I love you! Make good choices” Source
A Future Weatherwoman
When my daughter was 6, we went to check on her in the shower because she was taking an unusually long time. Pulled back the curtain, and she was squatting beneath an umbrella with the shower going full blast. She peeked out from under her umbrella and said “It might rain.” then she closed the curtain and asked us to leave Source
Albert Einstein At Work
Once, when we were on the subway, my three year old boy asked me to read him a book I had in my bag titled “Calculus of Several Variables.” I have no idea why, but he sat quietly and listened very intently, while everyone in the train looked at me like I was some kind of dickhead trying to teach a little kid calculus Source
The beginning part is kinda sad, but we had a dog that lost her leg to cancer.
My then- ten year old kid used to tell people, “You don’t eat a dog this sweet all at once!” if she was asked what happened, no matter how many times we tried to stop her, she just thought the joke was the funniest thing ever.
Our pup used to ‘smile’ and dance around whenever she made the joke because her little human was so happy, it was the most morbidly adorable thing ever Source
The Mean Mean Bears
My daughter also tripped me up while scolding her once and it became impossible to not laugh through it.
Me: You are not acting like the little girl I know right now. Do you know who you’re acting like?
Her: Bears Source
Her Rescue Mission
My 4-year-old has been reading all of my astronomy books for a while and tells us her goal in life is to be a “space ballerina.”
When the space shuttle Endeavor flew over our city, she started crying because she thought it was coming to pick her up to fly off to space ballerina schoolSource
It Runs In The Family
My (now) oldest wore a Winnie the Pooh costume but would only answer to “Buzz Lightyear” from age two, until kindergarten. Oldest daughter wouldn’t leave the house without a tiara and boa. Number three loved to eat dog food. We had to feed the dog outside. Number four will laugh himself into hiccups at the word “fluffy” Source
A Parent’s Concern
I’m afraid for my 3 year old boy. He just humps things and runs in to walls. Like literally I’m in the kitchen and all I hear thump followed by a long and high pitched whaling sound. HE RAN INTO THE WALL FOR NO REASON Source
I forced my mom to read me our bird book. Several hundred pages of pure facts about locating and identifying types of birds. Every night. I memorized the birds and the order of the book, so I called her out every time she tried to skip a few birds Source
A Future Scholar
My three year old, if left alone to choose his own shows on netflix, will choose nothing but boring documentaries and watch the shit out of it.
He can’t sit through an episode of spongebob without running around but he will sit there for 2 hours watching a documentary on ancient life in Greece or something like that Source
A Bread Snob
I am not a parent, but when I was 3/4, my parents bought a bread maker. I watched the VHS that came with it for hours on end, despite being a ~20/30 minute video. As soon as it was over, I would rewind and watch it again. And again. And then correct my parents whenever the bread wasn’t right Source
When Life Hands You Lemons
I was holding my 2 year old daughter and making lemonade for her. I had squeezed the lemon into the glass and I was just about to add the water and sugar, and she grabbed the glass and drank the glass of straight lemon juice. She loved it Source
My son has drank straight canola oil. No kidding Source
She’s A Poet And She Don’t Even Know It
When she was about 5 my daughter wrote this “poem.”
“There’s a scatter in the yard. There’s a scatter in the yard. There’s a scatter in the yard. There’s a scatter in the yard. It’s something mean. It’s something mean. It’s something mean.
Are you scared”
Yes. Yes I am Source
A Friendly Ghost
At 18 months, I was feeding my daughter dinner, when she suddenly looked out the dark window behind me like something caught her eye, then waved and said “hi!”.
I was sure it was the Slender Man.
In retrospect, she probably just saw her reflection Source
A Odd Fixation
when i was about 4 i was obsessed with bob dole. i distinctly remember asking for bob dole merchandise for my birthday; my dad got me a dole ’96 button to put on my backpack for preschool and i was delighted as shit. oddly enough, my entire family is pretty liberal so i’m not entirely sure where my fixation with him came from. i think i just wanted to act like a grown up and be interested in politics Source
That’s Just Not American
My son is 3. Out of the blue the other day, he informed me that “No one likes Buffalo Wild Wings.”
He hears a lot of TV at the babysitter’s house. Apparently he saw some DirecTv commercials. So, when my parents were babysitting him, he took out his toy phone and called Comcast and DirecTv asking them about their “packages.” He also brought me my cell phone one day and said “Mom, call directv. We need a package” Source
Dad Of The Year
My three year old always says, “Dad, tell me a story about a boy – walking in the woods.”
I tell new stories and encourage him to add to them. Last night went like this:
“There was a boy, walking in the woods, trying to find his brother. HE FOUND HIM BY A ROAD! And then they put on their tough guy clothes and went running, because they are always training to be strong. They are running down the road, and then they saw it! Do you know what they saw? It was giant… It was a… …”
“It was a cow!”
“Yep. A big giant BULL! He snorted and charged at the boys. They turned around and ran as fast as they could and Derp said to Derpface, USE MY ROPE! and they tied a lasso and swung from the giant bulls horns. And Derpface said, “I’ll take care of this bull” and he put on his ironman suit, and you know what he did?”
“SHOT LIGHT BOMBS AT HIM!?!?!”
him: pew pew pew
me: pew pew pew
him: pew pew
his one year old brother: pew
TL;DR: I love being a dad Source
My four year old nephew once told his mother that he started a club at daycare “The penis club! Whoever touches my penis, is in the penis club!”
Another day he was sitting on her lap in his underwear just chillin. Then he whips out his aforementioned penis and lays it on her leg. She of course asked wtf he was doing and he told her “I like to put my penis on people”
Kids are weird Source
When my daughter was young, we determined that spankings/corporal punishment wouldn’t be any method we’d employ. But, spankings got used as a teasing game. So, about 4-5 years old, horsing around with her, I get treated to the phrase:
“Don’t spank my bum, daddy; spank my ‘gina!”
Never did it again Source
My three year old neice has started this thing where everything is dead “but it’s ok”. Her parent’s recently bought a fish tank and whenever a fish dies she would get upset so we would tell her “well…the fish died, but that’s ok. It’s in fish heaven” she doesn’t get upset about the fish anymore (that’s good) but now everything is dead (that”s bad). (Grandma having a nap on the couch) “grandma’s dead, but that’s ok” (a cow sitting in the feild) “that cow is dead, but that’s ok” Source
Blinking For Good
This was more worrying for my parents than it was for me. Up until early primary school, I firmly believed that my luck was highly dependent on whether the number of times I had blinked in my entire life was an odd number or an even number. So after some cursory blinks in the morning, whenever I blinked, it was always in pairs. My parents even thought there was something wrong with my eyes. Nope. Just weird child superstition.
I also thought that loudly singing along with a TV’s show’s opening song but with all the words replaced with “new episode” repeated over and over again actually drove away reruns. Needless to say, I had a very short memory in those days Source
Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle
I don’t have kids, but when my brother and I were kids, he’d walk around the house yelling “WHENEVER I MOVE, MY PEEPEE WIGGLES” at the top of his lungs Source
That’s One Smart Kid
My youngest son wore all his shirts inside out for years. When I asked him about it, it was so logical I almost fell over. He told me it was so that when visitors came over unexpectedly, he could quickly switch his clothes the right way round so that they would be clean and unmessy Source
Learning From A Young Age
My brother was read an electrician’s manual and a plumbing book before bedtime. Now he disables bombs Source
A Simple Boy
Starting from age 3, all our son wants for his birthday is an egg. A white, hard-boiled egg Source