No More Stolen Sodas
“In the third grade, I had a kid that always used to steal my soda from me at lunch. He would chug the soda really fast and I was pretty passive back in the day, so he was always able to get away with it.
One day, the kid took my soda and lunch, drank the soda and smooshed the rest. I went home that day thinking of ways I could get him to stop.
What I ended up doing was taking a can of soda from the fridge and punctured a tiny hole in the bottom. Slowly I let all the soda drip into a cup (so I could drink it) and then stuck the empty can in a bowl that was soaking in the sink. If I recall, the bowl was used to make peanut butter cookies so it had soap and some greasy peanut water type stuff in it. Once the can was full like a regular soda can, I cleaned it off and put just a drip of super glue over the hole.
Well that next day the kid stole my drink like usual. He chugged the soda like usual…then vomited all over himself. It was glorious. That, my friends, was the last stolen soda.”
“You’re Not Going To Like My Reaction”
“There was a kid named Matt in my school who, in eighth grade, had developed a rating system for the girls based on the size of their chest and kept getting away with saying gross things to them. He had been reported to the guidance counselor and faculty repeatedly, but they kept saying ‘We can’t do anything about it if we don’t personally see it happening,’ which is like — do you think he’s stupid enough to do it in front of you?
He also kept calling me Mimi, after the Drew Carey Show character. I was getting sick of it after a few months and fruitlessly talking to the guidance counselor about that, as well.
I finally realized that none of the adults were going to do anything about it. One day at lunch, he called me Mimi, and I turned around and told him, ‘If you call me that again, you’re not going to like my reaction. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but you’re not going to like it.’ Which was true, I just figured I’d react in the moment. Thirty minutes later, he called me Mimi in the hallway and I turned around and gave him a big, open-palm roundhouse slap across his face. He was completely taken aback. All I had to say was, ‘I told you you weren’t going to like it.’
I got suspended for a week. My parents were furious at me. My mom is hyper into respectability and my dad is kind of a hippie. Also it was a private school and they were paying a lot for tuition, and a lot more proportionally to their middle-class income than the other parents, so that probably factored into it. I honestly didn’t care who was mad at me, and I’m still convinced it was the best choice I could’ve made given everyone else’s inaction.
However, Matt never harassed anyone again. He was totally polite from that day forward. I don’t generally advocate violence, but I still feel like it was a proportional response to months and months of gross behavior on his part, especially in the absence of adults who were willing to hold him accountable. I told the administration and my parents as much when I received my suspension.”
A Surprise Visit From Mother Nature
“My bullies were a group of four girls who were the stereotypical ‘popular girls’ in middle school. I was more of a tomboy/introvert. I was primarily focused on school and soccer. One day, in art class, my bullies had pushed me to the edge. They made my best friend cry. She was pretty overweight and they severely embarrassed her in front of the whole class. This made me furious. As a 7th grader, I was surprisingly vindictive and I took nothing from nobody. I could handle my own bullying, but not the bullying of my few friends. Luckily, today’s art class project involved paint.
My group was called first to grab the paint we needed. With tears streaming down my friend’s face, I looked her dead in the face and said, ‘Don’t worry. I got this.’ She was terribly confused. I grabbed red and brown paint. I mixed the two colors at my table while the rest of the students were waiting for their groups to be called up to get paint for their projects. When the bullies got up to grab their supplies, I put a dab of the red and brown paint mixture on the center of each of their chairs. Unbeknownst to them, when they sat down, they smeared their butts into what appeared to be a nasty menstrual mess. Every single one of those girls looked like Mother Nature had paid them a visit unexpectedly. The boys threw pads and tampons at them in the hallway. They had no idea what was going on until the principal called them into the office and told them to either change into their gym clothes or go home. They all changed into their gym shorts, which were deemed too short for class by the principal, and they were all sent home to dwell in their embarrassment.
The best part? The art teacher watched me do it. And when I noticed her eyes on me, I froze. She noticed my fear and just nodded her head once as a signal for me to proceed. EVERYONE hated these girls. I was just serving up justice my way.
The principal eventually found out it was me because someone who saw me do it snitched (probably for the chance at popularity). I proudly admitted to the offense with a smile on my face. I was not reprimanded. I didn’t even received a detention. The principal loved me because I was a good student and I was super friendly to anyone who approached me, despite my social anxiety. When I said I did it, he was like, ‘Oh..hmm…well, uh…stop…stop messing with your classmates. And tell your mom I said hello!’ And then he simply sent me on my way back to class.”
“High school bully use to beat me daily for being gay. So I seduced and banged his dad.
We sat next to each other in a class, I think science. At the end of the semester we had to do a group project together. He knew I was a genius at science, so he didn’t complain much.
So everyday, for two weeks I went over to his house to do the project. He made it very clear he didn’t want a gay man to touch his things, so I had to bring my own supplies. Then he and his gang would jump me when I would walk home.
I am not handsome, but beautiful. Soft facial features, big and bright eyes, button nose, soft skin, and curves in all the right places. And I used my beautiful body on his father. His mom was gone a lot, so I knew he wasn’t getting any action. I decided to hunt him down after the first day. We were watching a movie while working on the project and his father commented on one of male actors. Saying something like ‘If I was a woman, I would go after someone like that.’
For about a week I teased him. I swung my hips when I walked, bent down to show my fine behind, and causally low key flirted with him. My bully did not see what I was doing.
One night, there was a flash flood warning so the father didn’t want me to go home one day. So I got to sleep on the couch. His father woke me during a midnight snack raid on the fridge. And I just happened to walk in the kitchen wearing only a shirt and underwear. He leaned on the island while talking to me. I was bending over in the fridge looking for something.My prey fell for the trap and touched me. Like a lion hunting down a zebra, I went in for the kill. I walked backwards and made my move. We banged all night long in the kitchen and living room. And he sent his son to run errands so we could hook up some more.
After four days, my bully knew I was sleeping with his dad.
But we finish the project and got an A. I still hooked up with his dad on side for a few more months after that.
My bully was furious.
I Facebook stalk my exes a lot and found out the dad eventually divorced his wife. He is married to a man that looks like me, minus the soft facial features and the curves. I sleep like a baby every night knowing that one of my bullies has a gay step dad that looks like me.”
“My buddy and I pulled a prank on a bully (Adam) during the last two weeks of high school. We were hanging out at home playing video games and Adam surprised us by stopping by under the guise of wanting to ‘be friends,’ despite having picked on us for the better part of four years, and one time, stabbing me with a pencil. Within about 5 minutes, he was pressuring me to write his final assignment for him: a speech for Debate class.
At first, I said no. I mean, what is this, some comic book cliché? What will he demand next, my milk money too? But my buddy kept winking at me, putting the pressure on, and convinced me that we should do it.
After some ‘negotiation,’ we agreed to put together a speech for him, but only if Adam would pay us $25, and also pick up a rather elaborate dinner order from Wendy’s for us to eat that night. He agreed. My buddy and I ate well that night. And we had a plan.
What we actually gave Adam was a quickly and pretty poorly written (and somewhat incendiary) speech about the ‘silliness of Martin Luther King Day’ and how, ‘if America really wanted to celebrate a true hero, it would instead be Joe Namath Day.’ We figured if we picked a real infamous person, the joke would be too obvious.
I’m serious. That’s what we wrote. We honestly believed Adam would read this at home, realize he’d been had, and be forced to re-write and memorize a new speech in the wee hours of the night.
Except it didn’t go down that way. Imagine my surprise when Adam actually delivered that very speech in class the next day. He didn’t have the memorization down, he kept referencing his papers, but he marched on. And the look on our teacher’s face was just priceless. I think I peed my pants, I was giggling so hard. The other kids in the classroom were in shock. As I recall, the teacher made Adam stop his presentation. She told him to leave the classroom and she yelled at him in the hallway.
As far as I know, Adam never fessed up that he hadn’t actually written that paper, and I’m still not quite sure he ever really figured out just how brilliantly he’d been played.”
“My first college roommate was a huge dirtbag. I, on the other hand, was chubby, shy, and used to being bullied. Sigh…not a good combination.
He and his friends would constantly pick on me. The would hide my things, dump my desk/dresser drawers, insult me, etc. When they got going, that’s all they’d do, just insult me until I left the room. I’d try putting on headphones, but they’d just rip them off. Sometimes they wouldn’t let me leave.
One day, they were squirting me with a water bottle. I snapped and threw a pair of scissors at my roommate. Of course, they stick in his arm, and of course one of his idiot friends was filming it.
Long story short, parents and lawyers got involved. The roommate and co. stuck to the story that they hadn’t done anything. During a meeting with everyone and the Dean of Students, they showed the video… just the 1 minute or so surrounding the event, and smugly sat there as if they had won. My lawyer, thank goodness, asked about the rest of the video, and if we could watch it all. My roommate’s lawyer stopped that idea immediately. After a quick conversation among just roommate’s people, the whole incident was dropped five minutes later.
A few years later, the video showed up on the internet. It’s still probably out there.”
Meet Me By The Merry-Go-Round
“I was in 4th grade and had been bullied by a kid named Rocky, I swear that was his name, who was in 6th grade. Anyway he would trip me, knock books out of my hands, punch me etc.
One day, out on the playground, he pushed me into the merry go round while it was spinning. I was rolled around inside it while people were trying to stop it. The whole time he’s laughing at me.
I git pulled out and I was scraped up pretty good. I was taken to the office to get patched up. Teachers ask what happened, I told them I fell.
I went back outside and saw him standing there with his buddies. I ran as fast as I could toward him and punched him as hard as I could in the face, broke his nose, and just stood there looking at him ready to fight. His buddies told him to leave me alone and I never got picked on again at school.”
Don’t Mess With Her
“As a child, I was always much bigger than the other students in my class both height and weight wise (5′ by the time I reached 3rd grade, stopped growing forever at 5’6 by 5th grade), which made me an easy target as the ‘fat girl’ by the popular boys. Weirdly, the girls never were mean to me.
Anyway, in 6th grade it reached its peak because I admittedly was this very weird socially awkward girl, which made me an easy target. This boy (let’s say Dan) called me some variation of ‘fat’ on the bus every single day. ‘Why didn’t you just move seats’ you may ask? Well, my brain was not that bright.
One day I had enough. Dan called me a fatty and I almost moved forward to hit him. That made him and his friends amp it up even more the next day. That day, I lost it. Keep in mind, that at this age most boys haven’t even started puberty, so Dan was a measly 4-foot-something while I was adult sized at age 11. I choked him out and threw him around the back of the bus a few times until his friends pulled me off him.
The next day, I was called into the office and I immediately broke down, because even though I felt vindicated, I still was afraid of getting in trouble. The principal just looked at me and said ‘Okay, you can go.’ I was still so afraid of getting in trouble that the next day I came in and asked her if she had called my mom. ‘No, if you were in trouble I would have made you call her yourself!’
Turns out Dan was being ‘investigated’ for pushing another boy off the bus steps and breaking his nose, so they were trying to build a case for his aggression. I didn’t even get talked to.
Luckily, that fight gave me a ‘don’t mess with her’ reputation that carried on until high school, at which point the bullies kind of became normal humans.
I was ok. I still had a lot of self esteem issues that carried on throughout high school. For the most part no one bothered me, until I got to high school and a couple of seniors who were bigger than me (it took until then for that to happen!) and decided they could talk circles around me. But then they graduated and I never had issues after that. Now, I’m a teacher and I hope to continue the empathy my principal gave me.”
Dude, Where’s My Passport?
“I had a couple bullies in my life that I had to deal with, but the best revenge story has to be when I got my high school bully stuck in Mexico.
I had a guy who used to pick on me all the time. It was normal high school stuff. He messed with my locker and my food, but I really didn’t care that much about it. It wasn’t until he outed a friend of mine for being gay and forcing her to change schools that I decided he needed to pay.
He attended my local church and had signed up to go to Mexico on a mission trip. So, I pretended that I wanted to bury the hatchet and become friends on this trip to Mexico. He somewhat bought it and began to trust me over the ten days we were in Mexico. The day before we left, we were packing up the van to go to the airport and I offered to put his bag in the back for him. Then I removed his passport (which had his drivers license and social security card in it for some reason) and I tossed it in the trash.
The next day, on are way to the airport, they asked for his ID and he couldn’t find it. Now this was just after 9/11 and he’s mostly Jordanian and Spanish. They refused to let him on the plane and when he got upset he ended up in the airport security office. We all boarded the plane with the youth pastor staying behind to figure out what to do.
His parents had to get a new passport made for him and then fly it to Mexico with his birth certificate to get them to release him. If being stuck in Mexico against your will for 30 days wasn’t enough, I found out the following year when he was unable to go on another mission trip because he got himself placed on the no fly list because he had made threats against the airline while he was in the airport security office.”
He Played The Long Game And The Revenge Was Still Sweet
“During fourth grade gym class, we were assigned a partner. I got stuck with this idiot…lets call him ‘Chad.’ I was pretty passive back then and didn’t fight back when he’d punch me or in general be a dirtbag. His parents were dirtbags too, and even though my own parents tried to intervene, the school really didn’t care.
Fast forward many years later to my first semester in Community College with ‘Dr. C.’ There sitting in the front row is Chad, in my Chemistry 101 class. He didn’t recognize me, but I sure as heck knew who he was.
I set him up for copyright infringement while ‘editing’ his paper. He got an automatic F, academic probation, and a trip to the Dean of Natural Sciences. He tried blaming it on me and a few others (it was a group peer edit), but the professor said that the ‘integrity of his final paper was his responsibility.’
8 years later, I’m working for the same Chemistry professor. I was out eating lunch with him and a few others and I told him the story. Dr. C and I had a couple of drinks and were reminiscing about work. His only response was ‘huh…well dang.'”
Always Fight Back
“As a short Asian girl, I have been bullied a lot. People think I’m weak or a pushover. Well I may not be the greatest fighter, but I am by no means a pushover. I have gotten revenge on plenty of bullies, but the one I remember the most was in middle school.
There was this guy, Todd, who thought he was hot stuff. He was on the basketball team and was fairly attractive, he even wore a leather jacket because he thought he was all that. In reality, he wasn’t so much hot stuff, more so cold, runny diarrhea.
Anyway, he used to constantly harass me, shoving me, insulting me, he even spat on me sometimes. I just ignored it because I just didn’t care. But all my friends thought he had a crush on me because ‘if a guy bullies you or is rude to you he must like you’ and all that stupid stuff.
Eventually, it started getting creepy. I noticed him in my peripheral vision as I was walking home obviously trying, and failing, to hide and stalk me. He started touching me more and more. I just kept ignoring him and dodging him. All the while me ‘friends’ keep saying that they’re sooooo sure that he has a crush on me. Day after day, I kept making comments to my mom and dad. Kept getting the same response from my mom ‘You’re a girl, just sit still, look pretty, and ignore it’ and things like that. My dad just said to ‘deal with it.’
One day during lunch, he just straight up groped me. He ran behind me and started playing with my chest. All sorts of ‘Oooooo’s’ and giggles from the cafeteria. The teachers were outside dealing with a kid who just puked, so no one was there to help. I went from shocked to angry as I realize he’s still touching me. I could feel him poking against my back. So I ripped his hands off me, got up, and punched him square in the nose. Then, I stomped on his private area. Hard. Yeah he was in a lot of pain.
I got called into the principals office, who called my dad. Without even listening to the principal, he asked me what happened. I explained that I was groped and I dealt with the problem by punching him in the face and stomping on him. Dad had the proudest grin and patted my shoulder while fighting the principal because this principal wanted to expel me. I ended up not getting punished, and I got ice cream!
Moral of the story: Don’t sit still and take it if you’re getting bullied. Fight back. Even if you can’t win, fight anyway. Bullies like easy targets.”