People are always listening whenever you're in public. Make sure you're aware of your surroundings when you say things like these. You won't believe people actually said these things out loud in public! Don't be like these people, think before you speak because you never know who's listening.
Anything For Good Nachos
“I was at a football game and two of the people by me were talking about how much one of them had to pee. He didn’t want to go to the bathrooms because the line was so long and the bathrooms were pretty dirty. So they were debating whether he should just go right there in the stands. He decides that yes, he should. He asks his friend to stand over him so that he can pee discreetly. He begins peeing into a coke bottle (and it’s not very discreet). It turns out that the bottle still had a lot of soda in it. Meaning that the pee/coke mixture quickly overflows all over his pants. And also drips onto the nachos he had set on the ground while he did his business. The two guys said a lot of things. But in regards to the nachos the guy who peed said, ‘Damn, my nachos are ruined too’. Then the second guy said, ‘Eh, I’ll eat them if you don’t want them'” (Source).
Two Girls With Some Self-Awareness
“Yesterday, in the town centre, some guy was handing a gym flyer to 2 girls. As they walked away, one asked the other, ‘Does he think we’re fat?’, the other replied ‘I’m eating advent calendar chocolate at lunchtime in October, so probably'” (Source).
You Say Incest, I Say Animal Porn
“I was in driver training and when the teacher stopped talking we heard a girl at the back say, ‘No, I think you’re confusing incest with animal porn'” (Source).
Sir, Please Explain Yourself
“‘Well of course I don’t like killing kids, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy an adult privilege from time to time.’ I eventually realized he meant second-hand smoke” (Source).
Losing Nerd Cred, Fast
“When I worked at Walmart, I was in the break room and a trailer for the first Hobbit film played on the TV. A coworker watched it and then complained that it was a blatant ripoff of Lord of the Rings” (Source).
Mark It On the Calendar
“Guy on the phone at a Taco Bell: ‘Nah man I can’t hang out today. It’s Titty Tuesday'” (Source).
An Interesting Mix of Flavors
“At a coffee shop ‘I’ve never had pumpkin flavored anything. Not even carrot cake'” (Source).
A Good Day For Dan
“‘I’m going to s–k the c–k clean off Dan when he gets in’…..an attempt at a whisper from 1 girl to another. Safe to say we heard and made her intentions known…..Dan was happy though” (Source).
Finding Dory (And a Rude Lady)
“I went to a Finding Dory matinee by myself. When I took my seat, I overheard the old biddy behind me say to her friend, ‘Isn’t it awful they just let them come into a movie like that?’ For the record, I’m a forty year-old man so I’m guessing she thought I was there for something other than the Pixar animation” (Source).
Frisky Even in Old Age
“This 80 year old lady I used to work with was a really old horndog. I overheard her once say ‘It doesn’t get loose. You just have to squeeze it.’ The man she was talking to nodded knowingly. Then she says ‘I’m squeezing it right now!'” (Source).
Good Job, Adam!
“One of my mom’s work friends asked me to come over and help her while she was preparing for her kid’s 3rd birthday party. She had set him up by the TV and played some kind of child learning video to keep him distracted while we cleaned and made food. She went over to him (kid’s name was Adam) and started asking him little questions about the video, what color was the sky? what color is a school bus? things like that. not even 10 minutes later Adam gets up and walks to the back room. I walked over to grab some plates off the shelf and i hear Adam in the bathroom talking to himself in this deadpan hilarious mocking tone, ‘what color’s an apple adam? red. good Adam’ I couldn’t stop laughing. he’s going places” (Source).
That’s a New Slang Term, Alright
“Once was eating in a cafeteria in college and a girl at the table says ‘well, I need to piss. Gonna go juice the taco and see you guys later’. Never heard the term ‘juice the taco’ since” (Source).
A New Personal Best
“Girls walking by at Burning Man: ‘I actually wound up sleeping with two guys named Brad yesterday'” (Source).
Hard to Argue With That
“This probably comes under all 3: Two women in the city centre, and a young girl of about 12 who is in a wheelchair. The woman proceeds to sit on the girl, in the wheelchairs, knee. She told her to get off, the woman responded ‘Shut up. You can’t even feel your legs anyway'” (Source).
An Important Clarification
“Guy on a phone call: ‘No no no! Trojan HORSE! clip clop neigh! Not Trojan WHORES'” (Source).
An Interesting Conditional
“Waiting in line at an amusement park, some middle schooler behind us, ‘if I were gay, I would totally sword fight'” (Source).
Definitely a Unique Metaphor
“‘Her vagina was basically a crocodile.’ I don’t even know if I want to know the context of crocgina” (Source).
Painfully Honest and Loud
“I was in Wilkos with my mate and two little old ladies were in front. Next thing we hear is this humongous fart and from nowhere this little old lady just says ‘I thought that one was going to be silent’ I could have died” (Source).
Stewie from Family Guy?
“I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and a boy around 8 years old was asking his mom to buy him something and she said no. He muttered under his breath, ‘I will kill you some day'” (Source).
Well Mom, Are You Going to Help?
“Yesterday. Church. Little girl behind us, loudly ‘whispering’. MOM. MOM. MOMMY. MY UNDERWEAR. MY UNDERWEAR IS STUCK IN MY BUTT. IN MY BUTT CRACK. MOM” (Source).
A Real Dinosaur Expert
“‘You can tell that the dinosaurs they use in films aren’t real'” (Source).
Physical Comedy At Its Best
“‘Overheard’ is not the right word, ‘couldn’t ignore’ is closer. A guy in a very expensive suit was walking through a parking lot, pissed off, screaming into a cellphone ‘…THERE’S BEEN A CREW THERE FOR A WEEK AND NO WORK IS DONE! I NEED YOU TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER THAT GUY’S A–…’ Then he tripped on one of those concrete tire stops at the end of a parking space and did a full-on faceplant straight into the blacktop. He never put his hands out in front of himself to break his fall, he held his phone right to his ear and HE NEVER STOPPED B–CHING AT THE GUY HE WAS TALKING TO, all the way down. Honestly, the other guy probably didn’t know this guy had just blasted his face and his $800 suit straight into the pavement. Just SPLAT, tripped but b–ching all the way down, and all the time he was rolling around in his business suit trying to get back up and the whole time he walked away. He didn’t miss a single beat. Not me, though. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe” (Source).
Let Your Squirrel Facts, Man!
“Walking past a couple of high school kids a while back: kid 1: ‘What are the best type of squirrels?’ kid 2: annoyed ‘The plural of squirrel is squean, bro’ I don’t know why but the seriousness in which he said it just tickled me” (Source).
Thanks For the Compliment…?
“Overheard this once – ‘I want to cut your little d–k off and frame it on my wall'” (Source).
Making His Opinion Known
“August 31, 1997 myself, my roommate, and some friends are celebrating our return to college with a large number of beers. Someone walks in to tell us that Princess Diana had died. Complete silence until my passed out roommate awakens to say, ‘Good I hated that b–ch’ Then promptly passes back out” (Source).
Once More, For the Hard of Hearing
“Dude I used to work with a guy who always talked in a low voice and sometimes it’d be extra low and/or mumbly, and if you don’t understand or hear and ask him to repeat it, he’d just yell out ‘I said s–kin’ d–k makes you deaf!'” (Source).
And That’s How Your Mother and I Fell in Love
“Couple playfully bickering in store. Woman says, ‘fine, have it your way, why don’t you just slap me and get it over with?’ He says, ‘I would but don’t want to walk around the mall with an erection'” (Source).
Keeping an Open Mind
“What’s the age of consent here? I’m not a pedophile. I’m just trying to keep my options open” (Source).
An Unpleasant Surprise for Her Boyfriend
“I was at a bar sitting outside and there was a group of girls sitting near me having a conversation. Suddenly I overhear one of them start describing something that repulses me to this day. She apparently had a boyfriend who was on tour in a band. She said while he was away she started having really bad cramps and she wasn’t sure if it was her period or she had to poop. She went to the bathroom and something bloody ‘fell out of her’. She wasn’t sure what happened and was freaked out by it so she (this is where it starts to get absolutely disgusting) scoops it out of the toilet and puts it in a ziplock bag to show her boyfriend when he got back from tour. She said she took it to his grandma to show her because she was still confused and grandma told her it looked like she’d probably had an early miscarriage. Then she ended up putting it in a desk drawer to present to her boyfriend and forgot about it for a few months until it started to smell. Apparently she and her friends even had a nickname for it. She told the whole story loud enough that I could hear it loud and clear from 10 feet away in a mildly crowded area. The memory of overhearing that still grosses me out to this day” (Source).
You Don’t Know What You’re Talking Aboot
“x: I think stereotyping is really bad. y: yeah americans are really horrible that way. (This was in Canada)” (Source).