Things Got Worse By The Drink
The lesbian came back from the bathroom and started telling me (and my date) about how she is a psychologist at the local medical center and how her mom owns the bar we were in and that she is sorry if she was hyper, but she just did a bunch of blow in the bathroom. I laughed but was thinking to myself, ‘You’re like 40!’
The next downpour in the date storm was the lesbian’s gay friends came over and started hitting on me. Probably because my date was now too enamored with getting free drinks from this ugly lesbian (she’s on number fourteen, now by the way). I politely informed them I was straight as an arrow and at this point, I was ready to call it a night.
My date, however, was smashed beyond any hope of driving, so being the gentleman that I am, I waited up for her to finish. I looked back over and she and the lesbian were making out (which I couldn’t help but think, ‘Man, this would be hot if that lesbian wasn’t SO ugly and old,’) and the gay friend was now intently giving me the ‘come hither look.’ So I decided to beat a hasty exit. My date had now decided she was done and was now coming with me.
I got ahead of her outside and took a seat on one of the nearby benches and waited for her to come out. She finally came out and walked in front of me, then fell down and face planted on the sidewalk. She got up and said, ‘YOU TRIPPED ME!’
I respond, ‘No way, you were a good FIVE feet from my legs.’ So she sat down at the bench and tried a shot at making out with me. But after watching her get down with the crypt keeper in the bar, I was having no part of it.
So she stumbled over to her car and couldn’t even get the keys out. I told her she was in no condition to drive and I’d give her a ride home. So I got in the car and she is literally hanging on my door handle. At this point, I’d had about enough so I asked her ‘You getting in?’ She hopped in and I dumped her off at her house.
It’s always a bad night when your date ends up going for an ugly lesbian over you.”
He Was So Scared By Her, He Risked Driving Impaired
“I met a girl at a bar. She was with her friends and they wanted to leave. She looked at me and asked if she could stay and get a ride to her place later with me. I thought that was a great idea. The girl was hot! Right after her friends left, she downed her drink and said, ‘Let’s go to my place.’ I drove to her house and she suggested that I park in her garage as she had nosy neighbors and did not want them to see my car in her driveway in the morning. Once inside, she poured us both a drink and we sat in the living room. She told me she’s had enough to drink and wanted to go upstairs but told me to give her a few minutes to ‘get ready.’ I waited a while, then went upstairs and she was already in bed. I stripped down and hopped into the bed. I started making moves, just standard foreplay. She started off in a rant about how I am not supposed to hurt her, how this was not her idea, how she’s afraid of being assaulted and how her ex-husband is a cop and still wants to get back with her and she’s thinking of calling him to get me out of her house!
I got out of bed, scrambled for my clothes and almost fell down the stairs trying to get out. Once in the garage, I couldn’t find the button to open the electric door, so I reached up and (somehow) snapped a connection and opened it manually. I’d had too much to drink and should not be driving, but I had no other choice. On the way home, I drove through a sobriety checkpoint but my car was a 4-door sedan and I had a suit on and I guess I looked sober, so the cops waved me through. Amazingly, I get home and pass out on the sofa.
At 6 in the morning, the girl called me, telling me that I broke her garage door. I replied, ‘Well, you broke my heart, so we’re even!’ And I never heard from her again.”
The Night Just Got Worse And Worse…The Day Wasn’t Any Better
“One night, I picked up a guy at his place and drove us across town to hear a local band at a small venue. While we were there, I had too much to drink, including lots of (free) shots with the band. Three-quarters of the way into the night, he was a little tipsy, and I was completely wasted. A waitress saw me trying to dance and falling over myself, so she helped me to the bathroom, where I proceed to throw up in the toilet. She walked me back out to the dude I was there with and said that I was going to have to leave. She actually helped me get out to my car, where I laid down in the back seat, and also gave me a bottle of water. The dude stayed inside until the show was over. I was laying in the backseat, feeling awful, and I had to open my car door and throw up in the parking lot a couple of times, while still laying down. I could hear the band still playing. Once the show was finally over, the guy came out, jumped in the driver’s seat, and drove me back to his place.
We got back to his house, and he said that I should just stay there since there’s no way I could drive anywhere. I agreed. We shared a bed, but I doubt that anything really happened since I was too inebriated.
Fast-forward to a few hours later. The sun’s up and we woke up. There was vomit everywhere, with chunks of food in it. He immediately blamed me, but I said that it must have been him because I didn’t eat ‘that’ the day before. He looked more closely at the chunks of food and realizes that yes, he had the Mexican food the previous night, so it was his vomit everywhere. We were both extremely hungover at this point, and although my head was throbbing, I knew that I have to get this mess cleaned up and not continue to lay in his vomit. He left the room and I started cleaning the carpet, wall, door, and sheets. I went downstairs and throw the sheets in the washing machine. I went back upstairs and realized that he’d passed out again but in a different bed. I continued cleaning, then went back downstairs to check the laundry.
While I was down there, I noticed that his dog needed to go outside. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to let the dog out with no leash, but I did. Of course, the dog ran away. I wanted to chase him, but I wasn’t properly clothed. So, I eventually found my clothes scattered up the stairs and in the room, but I still couldn’t find my shoes. I didn’t care at this point and really just needed to get the dog back, so I started running down the block, barefoot and hungover, calling the dog’s name. I finally saw him, but he wanted to play a game with me. He’d let me get just close enough to barely grab him but then run away again. I tried various methods of trying to get him to chase me, to no avail. I tried throwing sticks to get him to chase those, but no dice either. I finally started walking back to the house, but of course, he didn’t follow. I got back to the house and decided to look for dog treats and a leash. I couldn’t find the leash, but I found the treats. I grabbed a few of them and headed back outside. It was hot, I was still barefoot, and my head was throbbing from my hangover, but I really needed to get this dog back. After quite a while of chasing him in and out of neighbors’ yards, and up and down several streets, I got close enough to show him that I have dog treats. He stopped running, so I gave him a treat. I slowly bribe him back home with the treats, rewarding him along the way with half a treat or so at a time, just to keep him moving. We got inside and I collapsed on the couch.
I realized that the laundry was done, so I went to put it back on the bed. Some of the food chunks were still stuck to the comforter. I tried to clean it off and run it through the wash a second time. While it’s in, I started looking for my car keys; they were nowhere to be found. I went upstairs and the dude was still passed out, so I woke him up and asked him where my keys are. He didn’t know. I eventually find them on a desk in a room that I hadn’t been in the previous night (but since he drove home, that made sense). I went out to my car and all of my stuff was still there, including my shoes. Now that I was sure that I had all of my belongings, I really just wanted to lay down on the couch and sleep off the hangover.
I got some water for myself and the dog, and a glass for the dude, and I brought it up to him. He said that I should probably leave because his wife would be home soon from a business trip.
I cursed under my breath and make a miserable drive home.”
A Really Nasty Ex Returns
“I was out on the town with my best friends from college and a few of their friends and girlfriends. We were bar hopping and generally having a good time when I got a call from my ex, asking what I was up to and if she could join us.
Some quick background on her: she is 5′ 10” and maybe 130 lbs and has very defined features (aka extremely hot). Awesome, right? Well, she’s a kleptomaniac who often steals from stores, has very bad ADD, and is very manic depressive which also causes her to be hypersexual. Granted that this last affliction has resulted in some great experiences.
Anyways, she met up with us and brought her male friend with her. This guy is a childhood friend of hers who is completely in love with her but she has no interest in. We drank and everything was going well. It started getting late and the bars were closing down, so we all decided to walk over to a nearby diner for some food. This was where things took a bad turn.
We were in the diner and everyone had ordered and was waiting for their food. My ex wasn’t hungry so she started getting a little antsy without anything to do. I couldn’t believe what she did to pass the time, it made the whole rest of the night unbearable.