Some people perfer the woods over a bed, and these people definitely found that out the hard way...
The Night Panther
“While walking my dog, I came across what looked like a shadowy figure doing push ups on the sidewalk. I didn’t think much it, since its pretty common for people to jog at night, so why not. But as I got closer it began to look less and less like upper body toning, and more and more like two teens boning. I ended up being right. What’s a guy and his dog to do? Too late to cross the street, already made eye contact, so I just passed by as quickly as possible. As I approached, he dismounted and I mumbled, “good evening”. I don’t know why but I did. The comedy of the situation hit me and I cackled quietly to myself. I was almost out of earshot when I heard the girl say, “you said no one comes here…” I couldn’t take the laughter but I held it in long enough to say, “well he wasn’t wrong.”
It’s Just Backround Noise
“I was in a camp ground. It was 2am and I woke up to the pain of needing to take a massive s—. It was one of those explosive, “you must go right f—— now” s—. It was likely brought on by a lot of red meat, and a milkshake before bed.
I got out of bed, and ran (more like waddled actually) to the public bathrooms so as not to wake the others that were staying in my camper trailer that weekend. As I got to the bathrooms I saw a guy sneak into one with a girl in tow. I though about running around the building and going to the other bathroom, but there would be no way of making it. I had to go now.
I ran into the bathroom. He had her hoisted on the sink and they were happily into it. I threw a stall door open, and barely made it onto the toilet before letting out the nastiest, noisiest, most disgusting s— I had ever taken. I swear it lifted me off the ground. My eyes were pulsating from the pressure wave.
I could hear her gagging, and leaving as fast as she could. All the while he was begging to stay and keep going.”
A Sight To See
“My friend and I were exploring the library in Seattle while waiting for the friend we were visiting to get off work. We went up to the 9th floor and sat by some windows off to the side and checked out the view.
Across the way there was a roof deck, and there was a couple sitting on a bench. I look away and when I look back, the girl is on the ground with the guy going at it. She was wearing rainbow knee socks and her legs were in the air.
We watched them for a minute til a librarian came out a side door, looked where we were looking, and asked, “are they… going at it?”
They finished and the guy stood up and looked around. He saw us and turned away, so when he turned back to look at us I waved at him. He waved back.”
A Standing Ovation
“A hotel pool after a wedding. These two drunk twenty-somethings stumbled into the empty pool room making out. They didn’t realize that the windows they couldn’t see out of were the windows all of us on the smoking patio could see into clear as day. These two just assumed they were all alone because the pool was closed. They stripped down and went to town. We all laughed and cheered (we knew the guy) even though they couldn’t hear us. It went on for at least 20 minutes, they were on the deck, on the chaise lounge, in the pool then back on the deck and lastly over the chaise lounge until the night manager showed up for his shift walked past the 6 of us laughing and then looked at the window, cursed and ran to the pool room door. He yelled at them and told them we were outside watching.”
Losing Out On The Sale
“Not me, but something I watched play out
My friends and I borrowed a beach house that was right on the water for a couple of days just to relax and punish our livers. We were all in our late teens, so, upon having our own, unsupervised house for the weekend, we were pretty constantly drunk/hooking-up. On the saturday (second morning) at about 11:00 we were all surprised to find out that the guy who got us the house forgot that we were supposed to be out of the house for a few hours so that the owner could show some potential buyers around the place (he was selling it). So, in his nice business-realtor man attire, the owner of the house opens the front door, goes to show off the first bedroom immediately to the right, and immediately as he opens the door my buddy’s girlfriend climaxed and releases a scream/moan that could wake the dead. The elderly couple who were looking at buying the house… didn’t end up buying the house.”
Just Keep Walking
“20 years ago, in high school, a couple of friends and I were taking a shortcut through a park at night.. Walking up a slight hill, my friend Nick tripped over something in the dark. Nick’s night vision wasn’t all that good.
“Was that a dog?”
“It’s not a dog, Nick.”
“Was it a stump??”
“It’s not a stump, Nick, just walk faster.”
“I lived in Florida as a teenager and it wasn’t uncommon for my friends and I to get drunk and go for walks on the beach. One night, after sharing several bottles of wine, we hopped in the car (irresponsible, I know) and drove to the beach for a stroll. On the way there, one of my friends mentioned that she had heard there might be sea turtles around and if there were we might have to act sober for the people who would be there to see them. Well, we got to the beach and there were no other people so we assumed we wouldn’t be running into any sea turtle watchers that night. We proceeded to run down the beach screaming and being really irritating in that special way that only drunk teenagers can.
As we ran/stumbled down the beach I noticed what looked like some rocks up ahead. I pointed it out to my friend C, who was very excited about the prospect of sea turtles. She looked at what I thought was a rock, smiled real big at me and then shouted, “that’s not a rock that’s a sea turtle!” and ran full speed toward it. I ran to catch up with her because, if she was right, I was about to see a sea turtle. As she got closer, she started shouting, “SEA TURTLE! SEA TURTLE!” at the top of her lungs until finally she was only feet away.
The sea turtle then raised its head, looked at C and said, “I am not a turtle. We are naked. Please leave.”
Getting Out Alive
“Happened to my best friend at a party. There were like 30 of us in the house, getting absolutely wasted. My friend goes upstairs, stumbles into an empty bedroom. He was smashed, and suddenly got head spins, so he sat down on the floor to catch his balance. The owner’s cat shows up looking for petting, but runs under the bed. My friend decides to get the cat out, so he crawls under chasing the animal.
The moment he is all the way under, a drunken couple bust in, lock the door from the inside, and proceed having sex on that bed in the best drunken manner that happens at parties.
My friend slowly makes his way from under the bed and decides to escape w/o them noticing, so he crawls towards the door for what felt like an eternity, with the cat in his right hand. He makes it to the door, stands up in slow mo and reaches for the door knob. It’s locked, key is gone. He turns around, with the kitty in his hands, silently observes the action for few moments, makes the most “sorry” expression he can think of and coughs.”
He Jumps And…Misses
I used to jog at night on the beach, if the tide was right, and there was enough light. One night I was jogging along, and I noticed some people in front of me. Not wholly unusual, but they were down near the waterline, which was unusual (in retrospect, they may have been experienced beach f—-, and known that, though the hard sand is, well, hard, it also doesn’t have the same tendency to get in your bits as dry sand.)
Well, not the first time I’ve seen people boning in public. No big deal. I could run around them, and they’d probably never be the wiser…Or I could hurdle them, and scare the living s— out of them.
So I went with option B, jump the humpers, and I picked up speed, and went for the big jump.
Now, I was trying to be quiet, but there is only so quiet I can be while gearing up to a sprint, and as I was going for take off, the dude started to lunge up. I cleared him with my lead leg, but I nailed him pretty good with my knee. He let out this strangled roar, and fell off her. And I face planted in the sand.
I had a brief moment to imagine what he was going to do to me if he could get untangled and grab me before I got running again, and that inspired me to get running again as fast as I possibly could. I scrambled up and starting hauling ass.
And so did he. Where I lived, tourists tended to be tubby, and people who screw on the beach (which is not a nice place to have sex, fyi) tend to be at least a little drunk, but this guy didn’t seem to be either.
I was pretty quick, but I’d winded myself pretty good when I fell, so it was a real issue for a moment there. And then another moment and then another. He was keeping up! I don’t know if it was the rage at being so epically c—blocked or coitus interruptus or what, but he was staying with me.
At least that’s what it sounded like. You don’t ever look behind you when you’re running. It’s just a bad bad idea. It’s just like the horror movies: you turn your head to see what’s coming from behind, and then you fall on your face. So I wasn’t looking, but I could hear him, and he sounded close, and mad.
I. Couldn’t. Not. Look.
So I shot a peek over my shoulder, and the image of a naked enraged muscle head with his junk flopping in the wind as he ran will be burned into my brain until I die.
I knew he wasn’t going to catch me, just from that look. He might be quicker than me, but he wasn’t going to be faster on a long straightaway. So I stretched out a little and started yelling, “WOOOOOOP! WOOOOOOOP!” which was something I actually did in races as a demoralizing tactic to people I was passing. I figured it might bring some attention to the beach, and also I kinda wanted to rub his nose in it, which must have worked because he started screaming abuse:
Him: “YOU F—– KID I’M GOING TO F—– KILL YOUUUUUU!!!”
Me: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!”
The yelling pretty much put the nail in the coffin of his running ability. His bull-like panting faded away, and I ran off into the moonset.”
“I used to work at a drive-in theater. My job was managing the goings-on of the field. When someone randomly would put their headlights on in the middle of the movie, it wasn’t uncommon for them to be having sex when I went over to ask them to turn them off. Usually they would have accidentally flipped their light switch on when doing the deed. Normally they would act embarrassed and scramble to turn their lights off, but I would get the occasional a–hole or guy who wanted to fight me. One couple left a bag full of empty condoms and a can of whipped cream on the ground after they left. That job is where I learned the true depth of a–holishness that people can display.”
A Day Of (Not)Rest
“Outside Sunday school. On a Sunday.”
A Late Night Rendezvous
“I work nights. In our office complex, there are hardly any cars around, so it’s typically just me. Whenever I have a moment, I like to take a walk around the area to get some fresh air and take some moments to myself.
Well, one night, I noticed this old beat up car circling the parking lot. I sort of got sketched out, so I decided to go back into my building for a bit. Curiosity got the best of me and I took a glance outside and noticed the car was parked in front of the business beside mine about 20 yards away. That’s when I noticed another car park beside the first car. This big shady character gets out and leans into the second car to talk to the driver.
Next thing I know, this woman gets out and shady character bends her right over the hood of the car and starts going to town like it was the end of the world! Luckily, I have some cover behind a small plant and just watch in amazement at this happening at midnight in this small office complex parking lot.
After a minute or two, a guy from across the lot is locking up for the night. He sees me outside (and I guess not realizing what I was looking at) and says “Hey man! Have a good night!” This scares the crap out of the coitus-makers and they pull up their pants and peel out of the parking lot.
The best thing was when I told a coworker about it the next day. His first words? “Did you tape it??”
Straddle and Skedaddle
“Well, to explain the setting I am an RA at my university. Anywho, After I had finished my round (approx. 3:30 am) I had gone back to my room to get ready to go to bed. I crossed the hall to go to the bathroom/brush my teeth. After wrapping up in there I was crossing back to my room and off to my left I see a couple of residents standing very close together. Or so I thought. I looked at them again and this guy was holding the girl against the wall and pumping away. Anyway I just say “Hey guys knock it off” (It was late — I didn’t want to write another report). When he turns and sees me he drops her and takes off running away trying to pull his shorts up. She finally gets to her feet and chases after him trying to fix her skirt and run in heels. I then went to bed.”
Next In Line
“This isn’t exactly a “weird place” to do it but it was quite awkward anyways.
So a few weeks ago I was on vacation in Norway on my boat sailing along the coast. One day when we had been sailing the entire day, we finally arrived to a port, and I suddenly felt the compressive feeling in my stomach and I knew I had to find the toilet quickly.
The thing about this place is that there was only one toilet and it was public. So I was running towards the toilet and just as I get to it I see a couple entering and I start to panic.
A few moments go where I don’t know what to do and I decide to knock on the door and ask if I could take a s— before they start going at it (other use of words were used).
So they came out in a very awkward silence but I almost didn’t notice at that time due to my intestines begging for mercy. They were gone when I came out again.”
Livin’ It Up In SoCal
“Saw a couple doing the nasty on the beach, on a Saturday. If you’ve ever been to a SoCal beach on the weekend, you would know that it gets really crowded. With families.
And of course my little brother asks right next to them, “what those people doing?”
A Once In A Lifetime Experience
“I go to school in the mountains and every year some kids throw a huge rager/music festival at about 10,000 feet. There were something like 350 people in the huge clearing on the side of this mountain so, to say the least, people had to get creative to do the deed.
That night I found people “doing it” in so many different places I truly lost count. In the woods. In the middle of the people dancing. In cars. In the GLACIER FED CREEK. Just about everywhere.
But 1 couple stands out the most. I had been chatting up this girl who was coming down from tripping acid when we saw lights swaying in the night sky. I quickly deciphered that some crazy ass people had climbed a really tall tree and were causing it to sway. Being drunk and high I ditched the girl and decided to investigate. By the time I made it to he tree the people who were at the top had already come down so I figured I’d try my hand at tree climbing. I made it about 25-30 feet up when I hear a voice above me. On a branch that looks like it is about to break I see some chick giving a dude a b—- about 35-40 feet off the ground. Something about seeing that put in perspective how incredibly dangerous climbing a tree drunk was so I loudly apologized and quickly descended.
Thinking about it now that must have been one incredible experience for that guy.”
One With Nature
“Hiking with fifty other preteen Girl Scouts, my sister’s leaders came across a young couple getting in touch with nature. Many calls and letters to parents followed.”
A Sight You Can’t Unsee
“My parents. In our hot tub. I didn’t use it for about 2 months after that.”
“I was watching the little mermaid in my living room and at the time, my brother was living with us and his girlfriend would come home often. So basically, right when Ariel was crying, all I could hear is the bed squeaking and “YOU LIKE THAT, YOU B—-!” It was obvious, they were in doggy style. And it pretty much ruined the little mermaid for me.”
To The Beat Of The Music
“Boyz 2 men concert in an outdoor amphitheater years ago. they started singing “I’ll make love to you” and more than a few couples just started going at it under their blankets in the middle of the field. One of mine would be in his car with no tinted windows in a Wal-Mart parking lot in broad daylight. Oh and once I was at a party and my friend started hooking up with a guy in the hot tub. It was already after 5am and the sky was getting lighter by the minute. The rest of us went inside to give them some privacy. A while later, after the sun came up, we looked outside to find her bent over outside of the hot tub. And I mean really just going to town on it. All of us were on the floor laughing our a—- off. we still tease her about it sometimes.”
The Happiest Place On Earth
“Well I was 12 and going to Disneyland for the first time. I ended up going to the Haunted Hotel, but there was a line. Young old me had to go pee, so I ran to find the nearest bathroom. I ended up in a room where some of the employees change into costumes. My young eyes saw Cinderella giving fellatio to a half naked Goofy. I ended up closing the door as soon as I saw this. Ended up holding it for most of the day and learned to knock on doors from that day on.”