Eavesdropping isn't the nicest thing to do, but when the conversation is so funny it's hard not to listen. These are by far the funniest things you'll hear all day!
Panties Are Optional
“I was in a shoe store and a little girl was playing on the floor with her mom. The mom kept asking her to stand up but the little girl would continue rolling around the floor. Finally she rolled under her mom’s legs and looked up and said loudly WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ON ANY PANTIES? And the mom dragged her out of the store quickly.” Source
The Simpsons
“I bartend at a super rich country club, so I hear a lot from the far right like: climate deniers, trump supporters, etc. Anyways, the one that takes the cake…. ‘blah blah blah… I heard it from those yellow people, you know they’ve been around forever’ ‘The yellow people?’ ‘Yeah they’re on TV all the time’ ‘Are you talking about the Asians?’ ‘No the Simpsons’.” Source
And the Kitchen Sink
“Was on the bus and a small girl and her father were sitting in front of me. The kid was misbehaving a bit and wouldn’t sit still even though her father would tell her to settle down several times. Eventually he lets out an exasperated ‘Why won’t you do what I tell you to?’ and the little girl answers, matter-of-factly: ‘Mom always tells you to stop washing your balls in the sink but you still do it!’ Needless to say they got off that bus very quickly as every single person around them was desperately trying not to laugh.” Source
You’re Cute!
“Girl 1: Are you [Name]? Girl 2: Yeah. Girl 1: Hi! I’m your math tutor. Girl 2: Oh! You’re cute! I’d totally date you, but I’m not a lesbian. Girl 1: Thanks! I’d date you, too, but I’m straight, and I have a boyfriend.” Source
Witchy Witch
“In the supermarket, between a small child and the adult he was with. Kid: (loudly) Uncle Gary…that lady over there has really big boobies! Uncle: Shhh! Be quiet she’ll hear you! Kid: Is that bad? Uncle: Yes…she’s a witch and she cast a spell on us if she hears you. (Kid looks somewhere between horrified and unsure.) K: How do you know she’s a witch? U: Because she has big boobies. That’s where they keep their magic. They use it to do things like make men buy drinks for them in bars, or make policemen forget they were speeding! K: Huh…. Is mummy a witch? U: No, your mum’s fine. But don’t tell her I told you about the witches until I’ve gone back to Scotland. She’ll get mad that I scared you. Promise? (Pinky swear) K: I promise. Meanwhile, I was carefully trying hide giggles at the thought of that conversation to come.” Source
Wanna Go to an Orgy
“About two weeks ago a guy walked past me while frustratedly yelling into his phone, ‘No, I said I’m not trying to invite you to an orgy, damnit!’ I seriously almost turned and ran after him to ask for context, but decided just wondering about it was reward enough.” Source
Will You Have Cream Cheese With That?
“I was overheard a conversation from a row in front of me that went as follows: ‘Hey is this seat taken?’ ‘Only if you can do me one favor, can you put cream cheese on my bagel for me?’ Person 1 then proceeded to cream cheese person 2’s bagel in front of my awestruck face.” Source
Strip McDonalds
“A great moment over heard while on honeymoon, American couple walking just behind us on Dubrovnik city walls. The man begins ‘It’s crazy how they’ve managed to avoid Starbuck’s or McDonald’s setting up here.’ ‘That would be like opening a strip club in a national park’ the lady replies with righteous indignation. With absolute sincerity her partner responds ‘But what if it were a really nice strip club?'” Source
I’ll Take the Call in the Bathroom
“I was at the bathroom in my university, washing my hands and overheard a dude talking softly in one of the stalls. (Stalls are completely closed with a wall in between them.) When he stopped speaking, I heard the guy next to him talk in a similar way. This went on for a few more seconds, until I heard one of them say ‘…in a minute, I’m in the bathroom right now’, followed by the other dude, ‘Haha yeah, me too.’ First dude, slightly louder already: ‘Wait, are you next to me then?’ Second dude : (soft) ‘Possibly’ (louder) “Hey Mark!” First dude, loud: ‘Hey man!’ They both started hitting the wall to make a noise and started laughing. To which I responded with ‘You guys are so cute’, and then I left so they wouldn’t know who I am.” Source
A Never the Twain Shall Meet
“I was at the movies. ‘Just wait until your dad hears about this.’ ‘Mom! It’s not that big of a deal.’ ‘What you did was disgusting. It was a betrayal of my trust. It was a betrayal of everything I believe in but most of all you betrayed yourself. Once you have the two together, you can never enjoy the one without the other.’ ‘Mom!’ Drawn out into about 30 syllables. ‘It’s no skin off my nose. I’ve never done what you did. You are never going to go back to a time that you haven’t done this.’ At this point I am dying to know what this kid did and I’m trying to stay near enough in the crowd to hopefully find out when they are joined by the father. The mother points accusingly at the kid, ‘He had a soda in the movie theater.’ ‘Mom, it wasn’t a soda; it was a lemonade!’ ‘You’ve mixed sugar and the movies. Now you will constantly want to snack while you’re watching a movie. You know I raised you never to eat in front of a screen.’ My favorite part of this conversation was the roller coaster of emotions I experienced. First the curiosity. I had to know what this kid had done. Then ‘Well, that’s a little over the top.’ Then finally, ‘When is the last time I saw a movie without a candy or soda? Why did my mother never tell me about this?'” Source
It’s Not a Tumor
“Two guys making sandwiches at my local deli were arguing over what the best movie ever was. One man was arguing that Kindergarten Cop was the best movie ever created, and the other was just arguing that it wasn’t. The one arguing that it wasn’t gave a couple valid arguments that seemed easily deflected by the other man. It eventually devolved into them shouting ‘IT’S NOT A TUMOR’ at each other.” Source
Everything’s Better With Cheese
“Mother and her small child in a pram as they walked up the street: Mother: ‘When we get home, would you like sliced avocado, or mashed avocado?’ Brief pause. Child: ‘Cheeeeeeeeeese!'” Source
Best Buddies
“There was a little girl and her mum on the train, they were watching some video about fairies on the mum’s phone. The girl turned to her mum and said matter-of-factly ‘Mummy, you are my best friend, and I am your best friend, yes?’ The mum agreed, of course. The little girl then nodded and said ‘OK, I love you mummy.’ She promptly fell asleep on her mum’s shoulder. I got off the train almost crying because that’s f**king adorable.” Source
When I Grow Up…
“Little girl next to me at the zoo looking at the Pandas: ‘Mom, when I grow up I want to be bamboo.'” Source
We Bought a Zoo
“I have a contribution from the other side, so to speak. There was a private zoo for sale here in New Zealand – in the Bombay Hills just South of Auckland, to be precise. The topic came up cause my partner at the time was working for realestate.co.nz, the largest property portal in the country, and they had discussed the listing in the office earlier that day. We were discussing the zoo, its price, its features etc while we were sitting at a reasonably noisy restaurant. Our waitress snuck up on us to grab some empties just as I asked my partner. Can you check if the 1.2 million includes the elephants? I’m sure I’ve never seemed more interesting and wealthy at any other point in my life. Poor (misled) waitress was staring at me when I went forward to pay later.” Source
Boom
“Just happened yesterday. I was sitting at a restaurant for lunch and at the table right next to me were two bomb-defusal-guys from the police (shirts that said it, police jackets, radio on the table, quite official). I’m German and work in a rather small town so such a thing is quite rare. One of them told the other, they seemed to be new colleagues, that one of his former colleagues had a bomb once with four buttons in each corner of the room and the bomb itself with some weight-trigger. A team consists of two bomb specialists so one of them ran in circles pressing the four buttons in the corners and the other was sitting on the weight-trigger and trying to defuse the bomb itself. I’m not sure if it was just training or if this was a real bomb, otherwise… f**k, that sounds more like an action movie than a real-life bomb.” Source
The Magical Teleporting Turtle
“While eating at a fast-food joint way out in west Texas during a family road-trip, I took note of a small group of friends (20s-30s men) with large tin boxes full of trading-cards (probably Magic). They weren’t sitting too far from us, and the place was quiet enough that we could overhear their discussions fairly well. At one point, though, one guy began relaying a story about a turtle that he had retrieved from the middle of a road (given the locale, I’d assume it was some sort of desert tortoise). The man had apparently taken the turtle home and placed him in a specific spot in one room, then left briefly to do something elsewhere in the house. Upon returning to the turtle, he was caught very much off-guard by the fact that the turtle had somehow meandered from his original spot to a new location surprisingly far from where he’d started. The distance he had wandered was evidently so great that the man was positively astounded by the athleticism of this turtle. The surprise he expressed when recounting this rescued turtle’s accomplishment was adorable enough, but then he proudly declared what he had named the animal: ‘Squirmin’ German Herman the Magical Teleporting Turtle’. Immediately, I erupted into a barely-stifled fit of giggles. I found myself straining to keep quiet while I almost got a chicken-nugget bolus into my windpipe. That would have made for a very, very awkward eulogy…” Source
No Bus Pass Necessary
“While on a dinner boat ride in Memphis Tennessee I was a lucky enough to be a few feet away from a man who was discussing his bus service business when hurricane Katrina hit the southern states. When the flooding hit and people needed to be evacuated the government seized his buses to assist in the rescue. He mentioned that he gave everyone a brief demonstration to the military drivers on how to operate the bus before getting in his own bus and following the convoy which was destined for Louisiana. For about a week or 2 he was down there assisting with transporting civilians out of the flood zone area and bringing in helpers & supplies to the areas medical facilities. Then Red Cross and/or more military support came in and he wasn’t needed. He drove his bus all the way back to Tennessee straight home and hugged his family. It was one of the most emotional and mesmerizing stories I’ve ever heard of someone just dropping everything in a time of an emergency to assist others. The whole time I’m just staring off port of the ship just watching the river for 20 mins while listening to him tell his tale.” Source
Diablo 3
“I’m sitting in my drinking spot at the bar and two rednecks are at the counter. I’m talking old, trucker hat wearing, flannel-skinned men who have seen more time in truck cabs than in the sunlight. They’re both sitting with their Budweisers and talking heatedly. I usually overlook this sort of thing until one goes. ‘Mayne, no. Y’gotta slot them FLAWLESS gems in your gear or t’other stats ain’t gonna optimize right. Y’build for your play and THEN y’get online. Where’re yer skills right now?’ I guess Diablo 3 has a wide audience.” Source