Dates can be magical evenings when you discover the love of your life... or they can be some of the most horrible nights of your life. These stories are about the latter.
Accidental Gay Date
“I’d taken my gf, and her two gay friends to a bar / dance club. They were dancing, while I was at the bar, having a drink. A guy sits down next to me, and asks what I’m drinking. I tell him it’s some hipster small batch thing, and he orders two, and slides one over to me, thanking me for the recommendation. ‘Great, next round’s on me’ I think. We get into a good conversation about work and the city. I finish my drink, hit the washroom, and when I get back, there’s another beer there for me. I thank him again, and we continue having a great conversation. As I finish my beer, and am about to order another, he grabs my hand and asks me to dance. Now, I could have said any number of things. Things like ‘I’m straight’ or ‘I’m not gay’ or ‘I’m here with my GF.’ What do I blurt out? ‘Oh, no…I uh…don’t dance.’ Then like a scene out of a rom-com, he says he’s a dancer, and he’d be happy to show me a few moves. Now, as I’m being lead onto the dance floor, my GF is nowhere to be found (Was on the patio). My first thought is ‘This guy seems really nice….fuck….I don’t want to lead him on, but he’s really nice.’ At this point, my gf comes in with her friends, laughs, and asks me ‘What’s going on?’ ‘I’ll explain later.’ I said, as I danced with a good looking Asian man. ‘Was that your friend?’ He asked. ‘No…that was my girlfriend.’ ‘OK. Then what exactly are you doing?’ ‘I don’t know anymore, but you’re really nice!’ He laughs it off, says I’m a good guy, and leaves my gf to bring my drunk ass home.”
It Just Keeps Getting Worse!
“I planned a romantic evening. I picked her up and drive to a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere. We enjoyed a nice quiet meal. I drove her to the beach. It’s one of those ‘drive on’ beaches, so we were very secluded. I wanted the night to be just about us. At this point, you’re wondering how this became the worst date: Turns out she had a bad reaction to the food. While we were making out on the blanket she goes ‘Oh no.’ And tells me she needs a restroom fast. But, we’re on a secluded beach… No toilets. She says, ‘Don’t care need one n…’ And before she finished the sentence, projectile vomits onto the beach. She then rushed down to the water vomiting everywhere, climbs into the ocean, and shits… Like, it’s dusk, and I can see the water around her turning form a dark teal to a brownish. She’s crying, and I’m soothing her from the sand. Then I saw the fin. A fucking bull shark starts swimming in. Now, I don’t want to freak her out even more, so I say, ‘Let’s get you home come on out of there.’ She’s too busy freaking out about the shit to follow my instructions. The bull shark fucking bit her ankle. I call 911. The fire dept. comes out, takes her to a local urgent care, and I follow along thanking whichever God I could think of that she didn’t have to ride in my 4Runner and feeling like an asshole about it. Think this is the end? Nope. I’m sitting in urgent care waiting while she’s in triage getting stitches. This 350lbs giant of a man is weeping in front of me. His wrists were bandaged. I asked him what was wrong. He said his girlfriend recently broke up with him and he tried to ‘end the pain.’ At this point, I’m feeling bad about the truck thing, so I decide to make up for it by letting him open up to me. It was a really sad story. I told him everything was going to work out. Told him about my night. We started to have a good laugh about it. Then my date walks out. Guess what, motherfuckers? She’s his ex. They talk. I sit and listen. Then end up getting back together right in front of me. And that, kids, was the worst date ever.”
Wow, What A Keeper!
“I had just moved to Phoenix, Arizona for work and was crashing on a friend’s couch when a girl on OKCupid suggested we meet up. She was blonde and petite and since I didn’t know many people there I agreed. My only vehicle at the time was a motorcycle, so I left early to purchase a helmet for her so that she could ride with me. I arrive at her apartment, which is kind of sketchy looking. No lights on in her place or outside, and when I knock on the door an intimidatingly large guy answers it, looking sleepy and annoyed. He yells for her and she comes out to meet me. We introduce ourselves and then take my bike to a nearby sushi place. When we get off my bike she tosses me her helmet and declares ‘I hate motorcycles!’ She then proceeds to tell me about being drunk and falling off of one a few months earlier. As we’re walking into the restaurant I ask a bit about where she grew up and she mentions a tiny town a couple of hours away and that ‘she had to get out of there.’ She then mutters something about fighting two cops and being on probation. I gently press her on the details and she explains that her parents called the cops because she was fighting with her sister and when they arrived to subdue her she ended up kicking one of them. She had been drinking Jack Daniels mixed with tequila at the time, which she claims ‘tastes like candy.’
Before I go any further with this tale let me say that I love bad dates. I love the moments when disaster appears imminent and you can almost hear the clackety clack of the rollercoaster climbing the hill before gaining speed and sliding off the rails. So despite (or because) of the things she’s already said, I’m having a great time. We sit at the bar and order drinks. I order a cocktail, she orders a Patrón, neat. The bartender serves us and she downs the shot in a flash. ‘Another?’ asks the bartender. ‘Of course!’ she replies. When the bartender turns his back she leans over and whispers ‘I’m so glad he didn’t card me.’ I feel a shiver of panic. ‘Why?’ I ask, ‘How old are you?’ ’18,’ she answers. I am almost certain her profile said that she was 21. The evening continues. She downs at least 4, possibly 5 shots of Patrón in less than two hours. Her mood alternates between manic and sullen. When we step outside to smoke she pulls close and kisses me. She’s cute, but nuts, and drunk, and I would rather be anywhere else, and yet I’m fascinated by where this is going. Something in me senses that the best is yet to come. I’m correct. Inside again we discuss how to spend the rest of the evening. We consider going to a nearby bar, or to the movies, but then she gets really excited about the possibility of going to a convenience store and buying some Spice. This is the result of a conversation in which she declares ‘There’s legal pot.’ ‘No,’ I reply, ‘that isn’t pot.’ ‘There’s legal pot!’ she insists. ‘There’s even legal meth.’ ‘No. There is not legal meth.’
In any case, I’m trying to get her home safe as soon as possible so that I can meet up with my friends and tell them about this disaster of a date, so I agree to take her to a convenience store. When we get there she hops off my bike and says ‘I need to piss.’ I tell her that I’ll take her home right after this, but she waves off that idea and disappears behind the store. The convenience store has Spice, but it does not take cards and I don’t have any cash. She decides we should go to the convenience store on the next block to see if they do. So we walk down to the second convenience store and run into a different huge guy that she used to live with. Upon seeing him she lets out a shriek and jumps onto him with a huge hug. I am awkwardly introduced to the guy. The second convenience store does take cards, but does not have Spice. Instead I buy a flask of tequila and walk out. As she follows me out she turns to her friend and shouts ‘YEAH I GOTTA GO, THIS IS MY LAY FOR THE NIGHT!’ Then she turns to me, wide eyed, sensing, if not knowing, that a mistake had been made. The expression on her face was priceless.
By this point I’m becoming annoyed. I drive us back to her apartment, which is still completely dark. I try to say goodnight and have a nice life, but she insists that I come in. In the journalistic interest of this story having an ending, I relent. As we walk up to the front door she realizes that she doesn’t have a key and then bangs on the window until the annoyed, sleeping roommate rises (again) to let us in. She leads me into her bedroom and lights a cigarette, the first time I can remember being allowed to smoke indoors in years or since. I excuse myself to use the restroom, and once there finally realize that the reason the place is so dark is that the electricity is turned off. Like Vincent in Pulp Fiction, I stare at myself in the dim mirror and say ‘You’re going to go out there, say thank you, I had a lovely evening, and then you gonna leave.’ It becomes apparent while washing my hands that there is also no hot water. I enter the dark hallway and make my way back to her room. I open the door. She’s lying on the bed half-naked. The bottom half. Her pants are in a pile beside the bed. ‘GTFO!’ my inner Vincent pleads. But I don’t. Instead, I light a cigarette and take a sip of tequila. Then I sit on the foot of the bed and say ‘So I’m going to go…’ ‘Just stay!’ ‘No, I really..’ ‘Just… hold me.’ So this is a girl who is clearly messed up, and who just happened to meet someone who doesn’t actually want anything from her and isn’t interested in offering much more than a couple of drinks, conversation, and kindness. I wonder for a moment how often that happens in her life. With a sigh, I toss a blanket over her and then lie down on it and next to her. She moves restlessly and her legs are kicking of their own accord. I wonder what she’s coming off of. If only we had some legal meth! After a while she mutters something I don’t quite catch and falls asleep. I gather my things and creep out of the apartment. As I pull my bike out of the driveway and onto the road, I’m grinning ear to ear. The worst dates are the best stories, and I was fully aware that I had just gotten one of each.”
Just A Pawn In The Game
“I was set up with a girl by a friend with secret intentions. When I picked her up to go to dinner and then meet up with friends at a club after she had already been drinking. I don’t mean a glass of wine; she and her roommates had been drinking by the pool since before noon which she freely informed of me right away. At this point however she seemed coherent just very jovial and we proceeded to dinner. On the way and at dinner she was very boisterous and I said almost nothing. Every story was about a party or being drunk or high on what ever drug you can think of. After dinner we went to meet a mix of her friends and the one who set me up with her. We walk into this club and she runs over to her friends one of which is a guy whom she kisses and sits in his lap. I pull the girl who set me up aside and ask her what the deal was. She tells me the guy is her ex, they had broke up the week before, and I was there to make him jealous. I left.”
Tricked, No Treats
“It was Halloween about two years ago. Halloween is my favorite day of the year and everyone around me knows that. My boyfriend at the time said he wanted to ‘do something special’ for me for Halloween. Turns out it was going around his neighborhood to go trick-or-treating, which I was okay with, until the girl he was cheating on me with showed up to join us. He invited her. The rest of the night consisted of me crying and her telling me all of the things he said behind my back. Needless to say, I wound up walking home alone (a good hour walk) on Halloween, makeup running down my face from crying, and a new single relationship status.”
Maybe A Comedy Next Time?
“Went to the movies with this guy my friend set me up with – we saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Nothing like sitting next to an almost-stranger watching anal rape scenes.”
“Not me, but a friend of mine. He took this girl out to The Cheesecake Factory as an eighth grader. They sat down, and when the waiter came over, he just asked for water, nothing else, and wouldn’t let his date order anything. She was pissed, and confused to say the least. So the waiter brought their water, and my friend sent him on his way. My friend takes the water, dumps it on his date, and says, ‘I just watered a beautiful flower.’ The girl walked out right there. He’s one of the most incompetent people I know. He really thought it was romantic. He was crying about it at a party I had later that night.”
I Don’t Want No Scrubs
“I agreed to go out on a date with a somewhat older guy (I was 18 he was 24). I thought, older guy, what could go wrong? Well, I should have known from the moment he asked me to meet him at his house. I get there, and he introduces me to his mother, and says he lives with her while he is ‘gathering his thoughts.’ He casually mentions that he is broke, out of gas, and lost his job a year ago. So his idea of a date was borrowing his mother’s car, stealing her Krispy Kreme coupons for free donuts, and then walking around a sketchy park. Kept hinting I should pay for the gas for the trip to Krispy Kreme. And then he invited me to his basement to watch TV. I faked that I had to go home to study for an exam, and sped out of his neighborhood. He kept bugging me for weeks afterwords, calling me a selfish bitch, and messaging my friends telling them that they were as well. Like, what?”
“I drove an hour out of my way to the place we were meeting. She sent me a picture of where she was sitting so I could find her easier. When I got there, she was gone. She didn’t answer my texts and I never heard from her again. That was the first and only time I’ve (almost) been on a date, so it was really upsetting to me.”
Take It Down A Notch
“Our date was normal…but I wasn’t sure if we were going to see each other again. At the end of the date, he’s dropping me off. He locks the doors (still in the car) and screams at me at the top of his lungs: ‘I WANNA EAT THAT PUSSY! LET ME EAT THAT PUSSY!’ I was frightened… and obviously declined. He asked me again later on, less aggressively. But I passed; he might have bitten me! It’s hard (and sometimes scary) to be a woman in the dating world.”
“In college, a guy from one of my classes asked me out for coffee. He had always seemed really awkward, but I figured I’d give him a shot. The date itself wasn’t terrible, but afterwards he asked if I wanted to see some of his pictures from studying abroad, which were in an album in his dorm room. I said okay, as it was the middle of the day. In his dorm room, he had taped pieces of paper on the walls that said things like ‘ask people questions!,’ ‘make eye contact!,’ etc. He ‘looked around’ for the album for a few minutes while I stood there, and then told me he couldn’t find it. At that point, he sat down on the bed, and motioned for me to sit next to him. I noped the hell out of there. Later, I found out he had told people from our class that I had ‘come back to his room’ after our date, implying something sexual had happened. So awkward.”
The Chase Is On
“When I was younger, I went on a date with this guy I met through a mutual friend. We ended up going to the mall for a bit to kill some time before our movie. While we were walking around, I hear a girl from the floor above us yell his name. He looked up, made this weird face, grabbed my hand and we ran like hell. I was so confused and I asked him what that was about. While still running he says to me ‘That’s the bitch I fingered!'”
Maybe Save The Deer Guts Talk For Later
“A friend of mine sent me on a blind date at an Italian restaurant when I was 16. The guy seemed nice enough, but at the point where I had taken about 2 bites off my pizza he told me that his father is a hunter and that he really likes to go hunting with him. Now, I don’t have a problem with this, I eat meat and I know where it comes from and all that, but he just kept going on and on about how much fun it was. His favorite part about it, apparently, is to stick his hand inside a deers belly and take out the organs while they are still warm. Mind you, that I am still eating at this point. Also, this is a first date. I just got up, paid for my part of the meal and told him that I did not feel comfortable with continuing the date.”
Worst. Guy. Ever.
“It happened after my first semester of college. J had been someone I knew from high school. He made an effort to chat me up online shortly before I returned home, and our conversations were entertaining enough that when he asked me, ‘Will you go on a date with me?’ I figured it would be a worthwhile use of a night. The day of our date, he told me that he doesn’t drive and that I would ‘need to’ pick him up for the date. I wasn’t about to be judgmental about not driving, though I thought that he could have phrased it as more of a request than a demand. J greeted me at the door and rushed us out of the house as his mom attempted to introduce herself. He rolled his eyes, made a comment about his mother’s stupidity, and we were off. I asked him what he had had in mind for our date, and he told me he wanted to go to Red Robin. I was slightly taken aback because, when he was proposing the date originally, he had made it sound like a romantic endeavor; balloons and screaming toddlers didn’t exactly strike me in that way. Disappointed but willing to give the benefit of the doubt, I accepted.
We arrived at the restaurant, the atmosphere being in the typical fashion. I opted to order an appetizer instead of a meal because I wasn’t feeling my comfort level on this date approaching burger territory. J decided to give me endless shit about it, offering unsolicited opinions about my weight (‘You’re too thin!’) and acting like my food choice was some sign of a deeper character flaw. I ignored this as he ordered one of the most expensive, gratuitous things on the menu. The conversation turned to our personalities, by which I mean he endlessly talked about his personal merits while I picked at my celery, bored. He told me all about how good he is at picking up women, and how usually he hates women because we are stupid, but ‘Don’t worry, you’re different!’ Right, because insulting my gender is suddenly A-OK because your opinion is that I’m an anomaly. Then he blathered on about topics such as his vast intellect and his opinion of the other men I’ve dated. I barely got a word in edgewise. As dinner drew to an end, he made a point to say to me, in the haughtiest voice he could muster, ‘I hope you don’t expect me to pay for your food.’ At first I thought he was joking, but when he waved his solitary $10 at me, I realized he was serious. I’m all about equal opportunity when it comes to paying for dates, but I HAD given him a ride there, and moreover, he had invited me on the date! I gathered my composure and took a look at the bill. His $10 didn’t even cover the cost of his food let alone split the bill.
I drove him back to his place, and before I figured out my escape, he decided he wanted to watch a movie with me. He screamed (literally, screamed) at his mom to leave us alone and then dismissed himself to the restroom. I took this opportunity to position myself on the couch with the couch arm on one side of me and a pillow on the other so that he couldn’t get near me. J watched the movie as I strategized my exit. It had started snowing pretty heavily outside, and his mom asked if I would like to spend the night. J thought this would be a great idea, and tried to convince me to do it for a good ten minutes before it became apparent that there was no way on God’s green earth I would be staying a second more. He told me he would walk me to the car. I said it wasn’t necessary, but he said, ‘I’m a gentleman.’ Sure… His house was positioned at the top of a hill. I made it down fine, but he hit an icy patch and slipped all the way down. It must have been pretty tough for him to look like an idiot like that after spending the entire date telling me how smart and composed he was! By some miracle, I stifled my laughter. I said goodbye to him, gave him the hug he demanded, and then got into my car to leave.
Next thing I know, the guy is opening the passenger-side door and getting in my car! Confused, I asked, ‘Uh… are you coming with me?’ In response, he grabbed my face and mashed his face into it in a frightening attempt to make out with me. In my terror, I didn’t push him away and just let him make out with me until he decided it was time for him to leave. I’ve never felt so relieved as the moment he stepped out of my car and I drove off, snow and ice be damned. My friendship with J had an official end when he retaliated against my choice to not pursue him further by texting me hundreds of times a night until I eventually called the police and blocked his number. I still have to periodically look his name up on Facebook to ensure he hasn’t made yet another account with which to Facebook stalk me. I’ve already blocked four with his name.”
“Date with Tinder dude. He payed for our Orange Julius with a buy one get one free coupon. Brought a refill cup to the movie and alternated between staring at me and biting his nails. Afterwards told me he didn’t have a car so asked for a ride home. Left refill cup in my car and texted me everyday asking for it back. Threw cup away.”