You would hope that you knew the person you were saying "'til death do us part" pretty well, but that isn't always the case. These married folks were in for a surprise when they learned the annoying, funny or even terrifying things about their partner in life.
Seven’s A Lucky Number, Right?
“That she had been married 6 other times. (yes, that’s a six). She said, ‘Only two counted because they lasted more than a year.’ I thought I was denied some critical need to know information.”
Dad Of The Decade Over Here.
“When I was about 20 and my parents had been married for 29 years my mom said she was going to make squash with supper. My dad’s response was to say ‘No thank you. I never want squash again.’ My mom was all WTF. My dad’s response was that he had eaten it because a) she liked it and b) if you want your kids not to be picky eaters you suck it up and eat whatever is served. We were all astounded.”
Someone’s In Hot Water.
“I didn’t realize until after we lived together that she can’t keep the bathroom floor dry. When she showers, I feel as though half of the time she points the shower head at the ground outside the shower. When she gets out, I imagine her shaking her body off in canine fashion. If she washes her face at the sink, I visualize her saying ‘one handful of water for me, one handful for you’ (to the floor).”
Apparently A S–T Stain Is Not A Deal Breaker.
“Not about my SO but about me. Apparently I have a birthmark on my ass that looks just like a s–t smear. I didn’t know that until 2 weeks into the marriage she tells me about my permanent skid mark and that ‘I saw it when we first started dating and I really did think it was poo. It took me seeing it three or four times before I realized it was a birthmark. See I’ll always love you!’ God I love that woman.”
As If The Funeral Wasn’t Bad Enough.
“I didn’t learn this until after 17 years of marriage. My wife passed away. At the funeral I met her ex-husband, her 22 year old son who she hadn’t seen for 19 years, and her other 20 year old son who she gave up for adoption (from a different father). I never knew any of them existed until the night before the funeral when her best friend asked if I minded if they came. Yes, it was awkward. She never had spoken of them. The closest she came to admitting it was when we were dating and she said, ‘don’t believe a word my sister says, she tells everyone that I’m divorced and had two kids.’ 17 years later I found out that was the truth.”
That’s True Love Right There.
“My husband has some kind of crazy allergic mutation that makes lemons like sulfuric acid on his tongue. For serious, his tongue gets burned. To be fair, he didn’t know that was unusual until after we got married. My fav dessert is lemon bars and he thought I just liked burning my own face off. Cute twist: he would still make and eat lemon bars with me every year for my birthday until we found out. Then he got lemon-banned.”
No Drip Dry Here.
“Literally 5 seconds ago I learned that my husband didn’t know women have to wipe after peeing.”
A Bold And Psychotic Move.
“My cousin changed her last name to her husbands 10 days after they met. She didn’t tell him this until they were married for 3 years and had a kid already. She said that, looking back on it, it looks psychotic. Yet, getting your name changed after filling out the paperwork for being a teacher is apparently a b—h to do. She figured she met ‘The One’ (not Jet Li), so she took his last name. Also, my cousin did not marry Keanu Reeves, although strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.”
It’s The Little Things.
“That she doesn’t close any doors! Getting a glass for a drink? Door stays open! Getting silverware? Drawer stays open! Taking a s–t? Door stays open! It’s 4am and you are getting ready for work. What’s that?? A G-DAMN F–KING DRESSER DRAWER!! HELLO S—TY HUMAN SHIN. WOMAN F–KING CLOSE SHIT.”
That She Was A Bank Robber.
“She told me she had saved up $700 from working summer jobs while in high school. We get married, and get on our way to Branson (Honeymoon Capitol of America, amIrite?). On the way, she confesses she has saved up over $7000 from her jobs! So, we go on an extravagant honeymoon. We do EVERYTHING! Helicopters, boat rentals, every show, see a souvenir- we buy it. We get home on Sunday. There are several messages on the answering machine (this was in 2000, before either of us had cell phones). One message is her boss from the BANK she works at telling her to contact him at once. I soon learn that she had been transferring money from a couple large accounts on a regular basis into HER OWN account. After several meetings, it was decided that if WE made full restitution, the bank would not press felony charges. So, we now have one unemployed wife who is likely UN-employable, one scared husband desperately trying to get his bank-thieving wife a job anywhere, and one debt, due immediately, for $7700. We gather ALL the money left over, borrow from her parents, from mine, and my next paycheck. We get the bank paid back by the end of the week. After several weeks, she is working at McDonald’s (I pulled strings with manager friends) and we have begun paying back the parents. She went in to court, plead guilty to a class C misdemeanor. The judge gave her 2 years probation and the restriction of never working at an FDIC establishment. And this is how my life as a married man began.”
Heart=Melted.
“My dad loved grilled cheese sandwiches growing up. It was the one thing that his mom could cook when she was sick (cancer), and he always associates it with happy memories. My parents get married, my mom continues the whole ‘making grilled cheese because it makes him happy’ deal, complete with a slice of tomato, because his father grew tomatoes and she thought it was an extra bit of love. My parents have been married almost forty years, and my dad finally told her last year that he hates tomatoes. He had been eating the sandwiches with tomatoes the entire time because he thought it was a part of her childhood, and wanted to make her happy. They laughed for ten minutes, the tears streaming. My parents are polar opposites (can’t even talk to each other during election time), but stuff like this reminds me how nice love can be.”
Yikes.
“That she already had a boyfriend. This was discovered 2 years after we got married. She has been his lover for almost 9 years. Divorce in progress.”
Is The Earth Flat Too?
“That my husband did not know the Northern and Southern Hemispheres experienced opposite seasons. I love him. I do not want to our children to be in the same school district he was.”
This Went From Sour To Sweet Real Quick.
“That she loads the dishwasher like an asshole. It’s my biggest complaint about her. I’m a lucky man.”
A Secret Guilty Pleasure.
“A few years ago, after about 15 years as a couple, 7 years of marriage and one child together, I accidentally found out that my husband is a huge Star Trek fan. I walked into our bedroom one day and he quickly changed the tv station, so naturally I asked what he was watching. He reluctantly confessed, and was obviously very embarrassed to have to tell me that he watches Star Trek all the time when he is alone. I find it hilarious that he was so embarrass about that after all those years. To this day he won’t watch the tv show or older movies with me; he says I ask too many questions.”
A Little White Lie Never Hurt Anyone.
“My mom told my dad that she’s a few months younger than him. Six months into the marriage, my dad finds out that she’s three years older. 25 years later he still brings up how he was lied to.”
It’s All About Communication.
“I’ll give you one from my wife. She didn’t realize just how much I love talking to her. We have been married almost 9 years, and it was just six months ago that she was home sick and I had a day off from school & work (very rare) and she hears my phone alarm go off. She was like, WTF is that going off for? Me, looking sheepish…it means you’re off work and I can call you in about 5 minutes. She thought it was adorable and told everyone in her office the next day.”
“In Soviet Russia, Drinks Drive YOU.”
“My wife is from Siberia. (Back story: she was my exchange student girlfriend in high school. We got back in touch 17 years later and we were married a year-and-a-half ago.) She is straight-up amazing, but I have always been at least a tiny bit nervous being the passenger when my wife drives. It’s not that she drives poorly, she just has a very different respect for the rules that I take for granted, like signaling before changing lanes, speed limits, merging and keeping distance between other cars. You know, small stuff. Her foreign license won’t work here for long, and she studied the driver’s manual HARD to pass the written portion for her Oregon driver’s license. On her third attempt she passed, missing only one question. Last night we were celebrating her victory and she confessed something that really surprised me: she acquired her Russian license with the aid of two bottles of Cognac, given to her instructor prior to the ride-along to ensure a passing grade.”
Aunt Flo Was Quite A Surprise.
“He knew women had periods. He had no idea periods involved blood. He thought it was just abdominal cramping or something. We even lived together for a year before we got married and he never figured this out until after we were married when we got a new dresser. I threw all the underwear, both his and mine in the same drawer since it was a smaller dresser. He saw my bloodstained period panties and started crying because he thought I was dying and had been hiding it from him. I then had to explain to my 28 year old husband what exactly a period is.”
Granddad Obviously Doesn’t Understand How Science Works.
“After engagement, his father brings us to a meeting to explain to me that my now-husband is the 23rd generation first born son since the beginning of the family, thus insinuating that I would be f–ked if I didn’t give birth to a boy. We have a daughter.”
She Wasn’t Dino-Mite.
“I used to be married. That’s no longer the case. I was getting dinosaur stuff for our boy, and his mother said something along the lines of ‘I don’t like dinosaurs and am happy they are not real.’ I chuckled, thinking she meant she is relieved her life is not like Jurassic Park. Nope. Turned out she believes dinosaurs never walked this earth. I had known her for 6 solid years, and this completely blew me away, side swiping me with horror. She thinks people are guessing when the put partial bones together, and just fabricate these creatures. I’m still affected by this- even years later. When I go on dates, there is a litmus test now. I ask what her stance stance is on dinosaurs every first date. Not making that mistake again.”
Her Lips Are Sealed.
“While we were dating, my husband always told me this story about how he used to race dirt bikes and wrecked one time so badly that he had to have surgery to reconstruct his nose. I had wondered why he looked so different in his younger pictures. Anyway, it wasn’t until we had been married several years that his mother heard me mentioning that story and how scary that must have been for her, worrying about her son…and she didn’t know what I was talking about. The truth was that he never wrecked a dirt bike and his nose looked different because he had been ashamed of his larger-than-average Italian nose, so she saved up her money to buy him a nose job. He still doesn’t know that she told me. I don’t want to embarrass him.”