“My Kids Were Traumatized”
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“The wedding was at a soup kitchen the couple sometimes volunteered at, presumably to remind us how selfless they are. The thing is, the groom at least (I don’t know the bride well) is actually a very good person in the sense that he does a lot of good things and helps a lot of people and is going to leave the world a better place than when he got here. He’s objectively a better person than I am. He’s also a narcissist and possibly a psychic vampire that feeds off the discomfort of others.
Hundreds of homeless people were gathered outside. The wedding may or may not have changed the soup kitchen’s planned schedule for the day or the total amount of food given out. Making assumptions, it’s possible they served lunch earlier and weren’t going to serve dinner anyway that day.
If the couple had said ‘hey, dress casual because if you’re coming to our wedding you’ll be helping serve the homeless,’ I would have been all for it. Instead, we stood there in nice clothes eating food while all the homeless people watched through the fence. No homeless people were allowed in or received any food. They just stood there twenty feet away behind a fence watching us eat. The whole thing was extremely awkward and totally classless. The homeless were essentially used as props.
Also, I had not really understood where this wedding was or expected to run the homeless gauntlet to get in, so I didn’t prepare my kids who were traumatized and kept asking if we were going to lose our house. On the plus side, we got to attend a wedding in a dirty parking lot.”
An All Out Brawl
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“My buddy John’s little sister was getting married. The couple was about 20 years old. They had no money. They rented a volunteer firefighter hall for the reception. Somehow, they managed to wrangle plenty of money for drinks and I was asked to tend the open bar. I had never tended bar in my life.
The hall filled up. People asked for drinks. I knew how to make some simple mixed drinks and how to pour from the keg, so I was doing okay. One old guy asked for a drink I’d never heard of, so I splashed a couple shots in a cup and put some red juice in it. He loved it. He came back for many refills.
The party got loud. Then an argument broke out between the groom (who was a nasty lout) and some dude. It devolved into a fistfight. The fight spread quickly. Sides were chosen. Now it was an all-out brawl – fights everywhere, tables and chairs flying. Pandemonium!
I was about to abandon my post when the old man came back and ordered another stiff red drink. I poured him another stiff one and we watched the screaming and fighting and stuff flying everywhere. He remarked about ‘kids these days’ and we had a good laugh. After a while people left. The hall was a complete mess. I didn’t want to hang around when the firefighters returned, so I left.
John later told me the couple got fined by the firefighters, lost a big deposit, and had been fighting throughout the honeymoon. I was very surprised when they divorced shortly after. Where did the love go? I wondered.”
One Wedding And A Funeral
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“At my uncle’s wedding, the mass had to be rushed and cut massively short because the priest had messed up the timings and booked a funeral for 20 minutes into the wedding slot. He kept cutting people’s speeches short by clicking his fingers and saying that’s enough, skipped songs, kept telling anyone walking up to hurry up, etc. It was until 10 minutes into the mass that he told people the mass would be cut short. Up until that point, everyone thought he was just being a jerk.
We all came out to see a dead body (the funeral open casket) being pushed into the church and a hundred odd people crying, just a very bizarre moment.
So all the photos and videos outside of the church either have a dead body in the background or loads of people in black, crying their eyes out.”
Monster Of The Bride
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“The first issue was that this wedding occurred in the middle of a hurricane — literally, an enormous storm was scheduled to make landfall approximately 3 hours before the ceremony (located right outside of New Orleans). For reference, this was Hurricane Nate – occurring right in the wake of Irma and Harvey. I was flying in from out of town and decided that I would go if my flight went. It did. Most of the other guests who were driving in from a few hours away decided not to risk it and cancelled last minute. Less than a third of the expected guests showed.
It gets worse.
At the rehearsal dinner (1 day prior to the wedding), the mother of the bride (who truly is a piece of work) shows up with her hair dyed bright purple for no apparent reason. She has never dyed her hair before – her style/personality does not fit this in the slightest. This is very obviously an attempt to draw all attention to herself on daughter’s big day (groom’s mother is extremely traditional). Mother of the bride openly admits to her plan to stir drama up. The daughter takes her aside and calmly asks her to dye hair back for the wedding. Mother says absolutely not, and then proceeds to throw a tantrum that results in her refusing to attend the wedding entirely and threatening the bride’s siblings/entire extended family with ex-communication if they dare to attend.
The bride’s mother and father do not attend her wedding. The only parent in attendance is groom’s mother, as his father had passed earlier that year in a plane accident. The bride’s younger brother and cousins do attend, but are receiving threatening text messages the entire time from bride’s mother.
The officiant decides approximately 2 hours prior to the ceremony that he will not be able to come due to the storm (the storm, at this point, is making landfall in Mississippi). All guests receive word that the ceremony may not actually happen due to this super-convenient and well-timed decision. Luckily, the wedding planner somehow secured a local pastor to officiate, who managed to learn the bride and groom’s names, as well as how they met, in an hour’s time in order to conduct a surprisingly nice and very quick ceremony.
The reception actually wound up being quite fun because there were so few people to eat so much food and consume so many nice drinks and dance around with the happiest newly married couple I’ve ever seen. Everyone met everyone because it would’ve been pretty weird not to! A bunch of the guests headed out after the reception to enjoy an insane night in New Orleans.
Sadly (but maybe for the best considering how the parents behaved), the bride’s parents have not spoken to bride since the wedding. They have not even attempted an apology. Happily, the bride and groom are clearly enjoying married life together.”
Holding Up The Bride
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“Stood up in a wedding recently where all the guys were standing at the altar and the bridesmaids came up the aisle to music…the whole thing was going smoothly. Then the doors shut and everyone turned to wait for them to open for the bride to walk in.
Except we waited, and waited. The usher, who was the brother of the bride, poked his head out, left, came back and motioned for his mother to come back immediately.
She left, we waited more, usher called for one of the groomsmen (the bride’s other brother) to come back there. He left, we waited.
Turns out the father of the bride had a massive kidney stone that must have started passing right when he was supposed to walk his daughter down the aisle.
The bride was a mess, the father was screaming in agony, the organ just kept playing music softly. Eventually, we found out what was happening so everyone kind of relaxed that it wasn’t the bride running away.”
Literally The Princess Bride
“The wedding party re-enacted most of the bride’s favourite film: The Princess Bride.
The Princess Bride is a masterpiece of writing, held together not just by the incredible script, but by absolutely astonishing casting. There is no role in that movie, no line, no segment that can be improved upon. It is, literally, perfect. Everyone knows this. William Goldman knew it when he wrote it. Rob Reiner knew it when he directed it. Everyone from Cary Elwes to Billy Crystal knew it when they acted out those scenes. It is not possible to improve this movie.
But it is possible to attempt dramatic replication in front of 200 unsuspecting guests at a wedding.
I suspect it will be unnecessary for me to describe exactly how excruciating it was. They did, to be absolutely fair, remove certain sections. It was not the entire 90-minute experience, but it wasn’t that far away from it either.
They had the ‘I am not left-handed either’ sword fight.
They had Inigo Montoya.
They had the ROUS bit.
They had the torture sequence.
They skipped the wedding bit, in one blessed moment of relief, at least they skipped the wedding bit. Because they were already having… you know… a wedding.
I will never forget that hour, and I am not alone in saying as much. If you were there – if you had seen it – you would know. Otherwise, words fail me. It was, in the truest sense of the word, an absolutely sobering experience. I have never witnessed anything like it.”
Only In Florida
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“I watched a dog get eaten by an alligator.
I was probably eleven or twelve. The wedding I was at was at Myakka State Park in Florida, which is basically a swamp. These were genuine Florida swamp redneck folk, so it was on-theme. Groom had a camouflage trucker hat with his tux, it was all very fancy.
Anyway, after the actual wedding proper, kids were playing down by the water, poking at a gator they thought was dead or asleep with a stick. Not the brightest bunch. I had the sense to watch from further away. They had a yappy little dog with them though. I guess after a few minutes the gator gets sick of being poked at and just snaps the dog up and disappears into the water.
I can honestly say I’ve never been to another wedding like it.”
Everything Adidas
“My close friend’s dad died of cancer a couple of years ago, so me and another friend went to the funeral to pay our respects and be there for the family.
We got there a little early, along with my friend and his girlfriend and his brother and his girlfriend. There was a wedding finishing up in there so we had to wait in the entrance of the church. The wedding finally lets out and we see the guests rolling out, followed by the wedding party. All of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were dressed in full Adidas tracksuits and sneakers.
Then the bride and groom make their appearance and she is wearing a pink wedding dress with a pair of Adidas and a track jacket over the dress. The groom is wearing a white Adidas tracksuit with a matching bucket hat. They both walk out hand in hand doing the c-walk dance and trying to hand us these party poppers, which we politely declined. I think they realized after that we were there for a funeral because they stopped dancing and hurried outside.
I looked at my friend and we couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. Those people were doing their thing and having fun and it certainly lightened the mood of a very sad day, which is what his dad would have wanted.”
White Trash Wedding
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“The first, my white-trash sister-in-law’s first marriage, to this abusive, trashy dude. She had it in this ugly little park, sandwiched between run-down houses. They tried to reserve it for the wedding, but the town kept denying her. She claimed it was because the black clerk (she didn’t call her black, let me assure you of that) was biased against her. They’d show her… they’d have it there anyways! In reality, it was because the park was scheduled to be torn up by big old construction machines.
So, the day comes, and it’s pouring rain. And the torn up ground gets super muddy and disgusting. And there is no backup site, just a tiny gazebo at the center of the park. And there is no groom? We all stand there for way too long before some of us abandoned the gazebo for the shelter of our cars.
The groom shows up, very late and very trashed. But more notable was the car parked off to the side. Whispers start floating around: the girl that the groom was having an affair with was watching him get married.
The couple never bothered to get a marriage license, as their Justice of Peace had instructed. On-site, she sighed and winged it, but told them they were not officially married until they filed the paperwork at town hall.
Fast forward to the reception in my in-laws’ driveway (country weddings, lol). Super groom flips out, angered by the DJ’s selection of music. It’s important to note that the couple had not paid a dime for anything… not the DJ, the food… nothing. The groom storms out of the yard, yelling ‘f- this, f- that, f- her.’ As he left, bride tried to change his mind. He took the opportunity to rub the affair in her face, and threaten to kill everyone present. Nice guy.
When my sister in law went to try to make amends with him in the morning, she found him in bed with the mistress. Good times.”
All In All, It Was Still A Great Time
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“It was my wedding. The night before, the bachelor and bachelorette parties merged at some point. The best man kept trying to get my husband to go to the club, but they were WAY too smashed to be allowed inside. Best man attempted, and I was right. I couldn’t find my dad for awhile, and then located him alone and wasted in the corner holding an entire pizza. I’ve never seen such a blissful look on another human’s face.
The next day, the makeup artist glued a false eyelash to my contact lens. The glue coated my contact and stuck to the inside of my upper eyelid. I had to use my fingernails to extract the lens AFTER my makeup was already done, and then attempt to put a new one in. My eyes wouldn’t stop watering for three days. It messed the makeup up, so I just told everyone I was happy-crying.
We had a breathalyzer that was purchased for the night before, and most people blew a .08 at breakfast. One of the groomsmen decided to inform us an hour before the ceremony that he wouldn’t be attending. This wouldn’t have been as bad, except it was a destination wedding and he SWORE he had plane tickets and was coming the night before. We had to fill his spot, so there’s one guy in our pictures wearing a powder blue suit. It did not match, but it made for a good story.
Later on in the evening, the best man disappeared for a while. He comes back eventually; apparently, he had found some sketchy weirdo and bought $400 worth of what he thought was coke, but was actually baking soda. He still hasn’t lived that down. All in all, it was a great time!”
The Force Is Strong With This One
“The wedding was really weird with Star Wars references all interspersed within it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against Star Wars, but it feels weird if you shoehorn it into a wedding. There was some inside jedi jokes in the vows and then after they kissed and he was like I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Nerdface and then Star Wars music started playing.
But that wasn’t the crazy part.
There were two pastors and after the service, one of them forgot to turn their mic off. We can hear them over the loudspeakers because we have to wait for Mr. and Mrs. Nerdface to come to our row and tell us thanks for coming and give us a hug or whatever takes so long after a wedding. First thing the pastor says to the other pastor is, and I quote, ‘That’s the worst wedding I’ve ever done.’ The other pastor you can’t hear as well, but he’s like, ‘oh really, mumble mumble, think, why did you mumble mumble.’ Then you hear the first idiot pastor louder than ever, ‘OH ALL THAT STAR WARS STUFF IT WAS TERRIBLE.’ Just broadcasting loud as day over the speakers in the church sanctuary. I mean everybody clearly heard that this was the worst wedding this guy had ever done. Then you could hear someone telling him his mic was on he was like ‘Oh, oh my.’
Then it was like he realized that everything he just said had broadcasted to the whole place because he must have put the mic up to his fat face and he goes ‘SOR-RY.’ Dammit, I laughed so hard at that, even when they were dismissing us I was still laughing at that idiot bumbling pastor. The bride was so angry and for some reason that made me laugh even harder. I just couldn’t hold it in.”
Surprise Proposal
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“My husband and I started dating, got pregnant, had a child, moved in together, bought a house, and got a dog in that order. Our friends and family have asked us for years why we weren’t married yet. We always pushed it off to build better lives. We had been doing really well for ourselves and finally reached a point where we could afford a huge blowout wedding to celebrate our lives with everyone we know and love. My husband’s best friend ‘John’ was the best man/officiant. The setting was beautiful, everyone seemed happy, our families were overjoyed. My mom may have used the phrase hallelujah a few dozen times.
The entire atmosphere felt moving. So moving in fact that John stopped mid-ceremony to propose to his longtime girlfriend ‘Jane’ and reveal her pregnancy. I couldn’t even hear the vows my husband wrote or the rest of the ceremony over the noise of Jane’s happy sobs, her very surprised family who were also guests, and people seated nearby congratulating her. Even the videographer cut to her frequently during the ceremony, and you can’t hear anything over the chatter. When John gave his toast, he apologized for being caught up in the moment and then proceeded to talk about he and Jane’s future with nary a mention of us.
During the reception, John and Jane became the primary focus of our guests. John even went out of his way to ask the band for a special dance for just him and Jane on the dance floor. I’ve never been an attention hog, and I wouldn’t even have minded if he’d proposed after the ceremony, but weeks later I am still seething. I am so shocked and angry that I keep asking myself if this is real life. My husband hasn’t spoken to John since the wedding, and our mutual friends think what he did was rude but that my husband should just get over it. My husband has joked that he’ll resume his friendship when John and Jane give him a $40,000 check for their half of the wedding.”