Not Getting The Hint
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“My ex-wife would invite a couple of her friends over once a week for dinner. For whatever else she was, she was an excellent cook. She was also sleeping with at least three other guys and carrying on an online affair, but I didn’t know at the time. I had a stressful and time demanding job that required occasional travel to job sites and conferences. I was also in a band that practiced once or twice a week. We would text constantly when we weren’t together, and I didn’t think anything of it.
Yet I suspect that her one friend knew about it and tried to tell me about it over dinner on more than one occasion. She explained that she had a friend who was getting married, but her fiancè did not know that she was cheating on him all the time, with a bunch of different guys.
‘Well, why don’t you tell him?’ I would ask her.
‘It’s… complicated,’ she would reply. ‘I know him well enough, but she’s been my friend for years and I don’t want to alienate that friendship.’
It was a recurring topic of conversation at the weekly dinner. We were divorced by the time I realized she was talking about me. What’s strange is why we ever got married in the first place. She was the one who pushed for the engagement…”
She Warned Them…
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“I was under a dude’s thumb for quite a few years. Despite advice from others, it took my own strength to finally leave. That being said, I will never understand why some of my (obviously former) female friends ended up with him.
You know what he did to me but you chose a charismatic jerk over a friendship. I didn’t know he was an abusive prick when I started dating him. They knew what he was and what he did to me and decided it was worth doing anyway. If I knew what he was before we dated I never would have looked at him.
Some girl that I do not really know ended up marrying him and still is after about ten years. I never ever interact with them, but I always wonder and hope she is okay. Right when she started dating him, I cornered her and told her all the hard truth. She wouldn’t listen. At least I could understand then, he is very attractive and despite being a manipulative prick, he was sly and polite in public, only using threats and coercion in private.”
He Did Not Need To Know What She Told Him
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“I once dated a girl who told me the guy she previously dated (who used to be a mutual acquaintance) sent her mom videos of them getting intimate to get back at her for not doing something for him. This was a drop in the bucket of all the things he did and she stay around for. Honestly, I knew she was a bit messed up, but she was hot and I had just gotten out of a pretty rough relationship. Also, there was the whole ‘I thought I could save her’ thing.
She then went on to cheat on me with him. She is still seeing him despite the fact that he has a girlfriend which she’s aware of. Though I suppose they deserve each other.
She came by to drop off a sweater a few weeks later. We talked for a bit. She mentioned some of the stuff he had done. They did not even live together and he did not have a car. She drove more than 30 minutes to get to his house.
It was impossible to feel bad for her.”
The Moment It All Clicked
“Five years ago I met a woman who I thought was fantastic. She was the bee’s knees. She was 8 years older than me, she could hold her own amongst my group of (admittedly) ruthless friends, we shared some common interests… I thought she was beautiful. Sure, she had some baggage, but she managed to convince me it was all behind her.
About two weeks in, I noticed she had ran out of her month-long Xanax prescription. By the end of week three, her Klonopin was gone. We moved in together a month after.
I made excuses for her for four years. Enabling her drinking problem, her benzo abuse, and whatever else was going on.
Two years into the relationship, an old (and rather untrustworthy ‘friend’) told me she was cheating on me. I sort of believed him, but her excuses were more than enough for me. Even after I caught her lying, and in multiple compromising situations.
She caused problems within my family, she caused problems in my professional life, my two best friends told me they hated her (with valid reasoning), several acquaintances said the same, and yet still, I didn’t leave.
One day I got a new job and had benefits for the first time. She offered to take me out for drinks in congratulations. Within 2 hours of receiving the offer letter (while sitting at the bar), she started talking about how soon we were going to get married. Not because she was proud of me, or felt like it was time, but because she needed to get on my medical insurance.
Granted she had a lot of health problems, which also contributed to my acceptance of her pill abuse, but that was when it dawned on me that I was just a meal ticket.
In that moment of clarity, I thought about all the times she had given me the short end of the stick, all the times she had been selfish, all the things my family and friends had said, and it just clicked.
I finished my drink, looked at her and said, ‘You know what? I’m done… I’m done with this relationship’ and walked out. A whole ordeal ensued. I’m 18ish months out of that relationship… I’m not perfect by any means, but even at the low point I’m at currently, it doesn’t even compare to how I felt during low points with her.”
Father-In-Law Knows Best
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“My father-in-law actually told me when I asked his permission to marry his daughter that he wanted to go have a few drinks and really talk about it. I never did that and asked her to marry me. Fast forward to when I caught her in her affair years after our marriage. I talked to her dad.
‘This is why I didn’t tell you yes when you asked me if you could marry her,’ he said, ‘because we all knew this would happen and you don’t deserve it. She cannot have a healthy, truthful relationship with anyone. You’re just her latest victim.’
We’re still good buddies. I love the guy.”
What Did He Do Wrong?
“My wife has a friend who is convinced that I am the terrible person.
I met my wife in 2012 and, shortly after, my father passed away. We got pretty close because that was a pretty heavy thing to commit to. But, she stuck it out and we got married. Her ‘best’ friend has been telling her that I am a piece of trash from day one. She tries to leverage everything against me, blaming me for all of my wife’s stress.
We had a baby in 2015, and my wife was stricken with postpartum depression. Her friend took full advantage of this to convince her that I was a control freak who did not let her have anything. I was working construction full-time to pay for my wife, our newborn child, apartment, two cars, groceries, etc. We moved to my parents’ place shortly after to be with my mother, as she was depressed from my father’s passing. We figured it was best for us to be with her to help her out. Her friend used this as an opportunity to say that I was worthless for living in my mom’s basement.
I went back to school for an IT program and got a great job. I started setting a budget for us to follow so we could save some money and move on. Her friend (and her friend’s mother) constantly spew crap about how I am in control of all the money and that I do not let her spend anything. I have it budgeted out so my wife gets $80 a week (not much, but enough to have some pleasantries) and I only allot $50 a week for myself. Not a huge difference, but all I’m trying to do is pay for our two cars, deposit money into our daughter’s registered education savings plan, put money into our savings account to buy a house, pay off student loans, and the like. My wife is currently in school and stressed to the breaking point because toddlers suck and her friend is constantly trying to turn her against me.
I wish I was as bad of a person her friend’s family see me as. It would be just as easy to tell them all to back off.”
The Best Thing He Gave Her Was Early Parenting Experience
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“I was with a guy for about four years. The first year was fantastic, as they generally are. But, then, he couldn’t keep a job. He would go from temp agency to temp agency and work for maybe a few weeks. He would then get fired due to failed urinalysis.
He was a recovering addict and was physically and mentally abusive toward me, especially at the end of our ‘relationship.’ There were a few times in which I would catch him talking, texting, and sending explicit photos to other women. Yet, I never did anything about it except ask why. When we finally split and I allowed him to stay in my apartment while he found his own way, he claimed to have slept with another woman on the couch that I BOUGHT with my tax refund while I was at work. He also attempted to throw me out of the second story window. In his attempt to throw stuff at me, he smashed my television.
I would give him money for bills and come to find out he never paid them. I cannot say how many shut-off notices and close calls I had thanks to him and his inability to pay bills, even when I am the one making the money towards them. I recall looking at my mother when the police finally removed him and stating verbatim: ‘As scary as it was to have to pay all the bills on my own [as I did previously but with no emotional support], at least I know they are getting paid and there is no better feeling than that.’
Oh, did I mention he was YEARS older than me and, yet, I was and continue to be more of an adult than he was?
Regardless, there is more to the story than just that. Everything just was not meant to be. Now, I am newly engaged and I have a child on the way (10 weeks). My fiancé and I live together and are probably that disgustingly cute couple most look at and cringe. We are looking to rent a house here in the next few months and have our wedding. I found the light at the end of the tunnel after years of darkness and I hope everyone can and will as well.”
“Stupid And Stuck In Love”
“I know high school love can be silly, but I had really deep feelings for this girl when I was 16. We were together two years. She was smart, attractive, and ambitious, which were qualities I admire in someone. She also had a tendency to be controlling and despiteful.
We both have Hispanic backgrounds, but her family is more cultured in it whereas my family is more Americanized. That was a big issue with her family. They judged my family for it and took pity on me. I would constantly be with her and her family. Very rarely was she ever allowed to be around mine. My family tried to tell me how unfair that was and that they missed me being around. But I was just being stupid and stuck in love with her.
There were a few times I caught her under some suspicious circumstances. One time, I saw some guy commenting on her MySpace page wanting to hang out with her, but then also telling her to ‘leave the bf at home.’ She never defended me to him. She even considered hanging out with him. She told me she didn’t, and I believed her. Another time I saw her flip phone was open and her messaging app was open. She had been texting a guy and I happened to read the texts. He was really flirty with her and suggesting she ditch me. She wasn’t necessarily flirty with him back, but she didn’t exactly stop him either.
What started to open my eyes up to her being crappy to me was when I caught her messaging her ex. He had just recently gotten out of a relationship and started messaging her. He was reminiscing when they were together, particularly when they got intimate. Again, she didn’t engage in it, but she didn’t stop it. When I called her out on it, she argued that she did not do anything wrong. She did not understand that I was hurt when she did not defend me or our relationship.
I finally ended up breaking up with her. She took it hard and would go around to our mutual friends and tell them personal, intimate things about me including my history with depression. She even contacted a favorite high school teacher of ours and confided in her, telling her I had suicidal thoughts, which was untrue.
I am glad I learned my lesson and realized that I deserve respect and should not waste my time on someone who does not give that. No matter how difficult it is.”
When He Needed Her The Most, She Was Gone
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“We were in college and she was a few years younger, but still 20. Her parents were wildly overprotective. I lived on campus, so she made a point to not push on it, and just visit me any time she was on campus. I never really came to her house (only once or twice), which seemed fine, at the time, if not a little inconvenient.
Then, I got sick, really sick, and we didn’t know why. I was constantly throwing up, and it was not clear why. I was hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition at one point. That was less than a month in. I was violently ill for three months. I couldn’t walk from my bed to the kitchen without my limbs going numb and going into a cold sweat. I dry heaved for more than an hour or more every morning, and had to choke back vomiting for hours after every time I ate. During the worst part of it, I couldn’t drive, because my limbs would start to go numb while driving.
It was three months. She never visited me once. She never once came by to make sure I was OK, never once tried to help me cook, never once did anything. I somehow didn’t realize how insanely horrible that was. It was summer and she didn’t have classes, so it’s not like she didn’t have the time.
We ended up breaking up because I was graduating. I asked her, several times, how we were even going to date once I did not live on campus anymore. She never had an answer, so, I moved off campus, and we broke up. Only in the coming months did the fog clear from my mind, and everything my new friends were saying finally rang true.
‘She’d cut your heart out if it meant she could keep it’ was a phrase that stuck with me hardest.
I dunno how I could have been in something so toxic and not had any idea.”
She Wanted To Change
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“This is really hard to say, but I was definitely a terrible person to my boyfriend. I used to be very emotionally abusive, would be upset at almost everything, and tried to turn everything so it would be his fault instead. It was truly disgusting. His family kept telling him to break up with me. He would always defend me even when I did not deserve it.
But, I am really proud and happy to say that I have mostly cleared up everything with the help of therapy, really wanting to just change who I was and how much I really loved him. We are as strong as ever and rarely ever fight now. His family and I are very close as well. It took me a long time but I’m so happy we are in a much better place now.”
Back And Forth
“In freshman year of college, I made a lot of friends in my dorm room. My side of the building was two girls-only floors sandwiching a guys-only floor. The girls loved to hang out on the guy’s floor. They would stop by my room or my neighbor’s first since we were next to the staircase. Almost every weekend, my girlfriend, whom I dated through high school, would visit me. The girls who lived in the room directly below us were the first to tell me ‘she’s too controlling.’ At first, I was shocked and just shrugged it off. But then, more and more people told me that they didn’t like how she yelled at me or what she would tell me to do.
She was still in high school and it was my first year in college. I listened to these new friends hoping one was right. I would break up with the girl for a few days. Then, either her or I would call each other crying and begging to try again. The first two or three times I was genuinely adhering to the promises I made to her, but she wouldn’t and we would end up breaking up for another week or so. Our relationship had seemed perfect for two years before this point. It was getting very obvious to everyone but me that without me being labeled her boyfriend, she was not happy. After a fight that led to a break up sometime in October of my freshman year, I started publicly dating a girl I had met in my classes. My ex drove up to the university and started screaming, ‘You need to break up with her. I can’t believe you could do this.’ I broke up with the girl and took my ex back.
By the fourth or fifth yelling match, everyone in the dorm knew of my situation and persuaded me to try to think about myself. I didn’t. I only thought of pleasing her. I thought of proving people wrong that she wouldn’t change because I was so blinded by love back then.
December was great because I was back home for the school year and she loved every minute of it. There were no fights and everything went well. Back to school in January and everything was OK, until two weeks in.
She broke up with me because she did not think she loved me anymore. Eighteen-year-old me, at the time, wept for a week straight. It was the first time she had ever said that amidst all our fights. I tried my best to keep our promise to stay friends even after breaking up and she continued to visit me every weekend. My roommate and dorm floor buddies had gotten so fed up with me running back to her. They tried an intervention with our dorm advisor and I told them that I had feelings for her, but that we weren’t dating anymore. They were not stupid though. They knew that whenever she visited, we would hook up and then talk about getting back together, but with both of us sobbing afterward. They encouraged me to move on and took me out partying, among other things. It helped, but it wasn’t the nail in the coffin.
The last time she visited was in April. She told me she could not visit anymore. Our friend group from high school was very close, so I reached out to a few of them to ask what was going on and catch up since we had not talked since December. They told me they did not know why I was reaching out about my ex since she had been dating a guy since January. I told them that could not be true because she was not the cheating type. They told me that she had not mentioned visiting me at all since January.
June rolled around and I finally had the courage built up to go to her house and ask her about what was happening. She confessed to all of it. She first confessed to cheating on me during our relationship.
‘But, it only happened once and I was really sad and lonely that you weren’t home with me.’ she confessed. She added that she had lied about falling out of love for me. She confessed that she really wanted to be with this guy, but her love for me was too powerful.
I gave up on loving anyone but myself for a while.”
If Only His Friends Had The “Stones”
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“My ex-girlfriend always belittled me. She was rude to my friends and family. She was uptight, unintelligent, lacked any common sense, offered no intimacy, crushed my dreams, and had an awful family who was always fighting, which she deflected onto me. There was not even a superficial benefit because she was very unattractive. I was a loner who never had a girlfriend and she approached me. I went with it and convinced myself I was in love. She also made sure that I knew she was the best I could get.
Luckily one morning, out of nowhere, it was as if I woke up and realized what was up. I ended it that day. Afterward, all my friends told me they had wanted to pull me out of it because they saw what was happening, but they said they didn’t have the stones to interfere.”
They Warned Him…
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“I was dating a girl in college. Our mutual friends, who knew her much better than I did, kept dropping hints and warnings which I never picked up on. They would say things like ‘You know, you should be really careful. With her, you never know’ on multiple occasions.
I never picked up on anything because love turned me blind. I had all the trust in the world, and we were (seemingly, I guess) very happy together. Then, one fateful night, I found out about everything almost by accident.
This is why our mutual friends tried to warn me. Turns out my ex-girlfriend was a compulsive liar and had been for a long time. All of her friends knew because she had lied to all of them about significant matters at some point in the past, but I had no idea. They did not know the details. They had no clear proof but, in their own words, they sort of knew this was bound to happen because she had done it to her previous boyfriends.”