Weddings can be beautiful affairs. But some, some are truly cringe-worthy affairs that people would like to forget. These writers told their most cringe worthy stories, and boy, they did not disappoint. These stories have been edited for clarity.
Third Person Is Never Smart
“After 15 years of marriage, my ‘friend’ left his wife for his high school sweetheart. He had recently rekindled with her when they both were on the committee planning their high school reunion. He could not get divorced fast enough. The wedding to marry his high school sweetheart was literally a few weeks after the divorce was finalized. Everyone at the wedding was heart broken for his two teenage daughters who watched in tears as he had his first dance with his ‘new’ wife. For his youngest daughter, it was too much to bear. She literally ran out of the reception bawling with family members in tow. If that is not bad enough, at some point during the wedding the groom decided to ask the DJ for the mic for a special speech. For whatever reason the ‘happy’ groom had decided to make his speech talking in third person. It went something like this:
‘Johnathan and Macy would like to thank everyone for coming to their wedding…’
There was an audible gasp from all the guest. Why? Well, his new bride’s name was Loraine. Macy was the name of his now ex-wife. He immediately tried to correct himself, but the damage was done. The guests open mouths and his new wife’s face said it all.”
Terri Ruins Everything
“When I was in college, I was part of a very tight group. There was a core of about eight of us that hung out almost every night. We were so close that neither before nor after have I ever had a group of friends that came close to the bonds we shared.
When two of the members of the group decided to get married, it was obvious it was going to be a huge event. They were the first of our tightly-knit group to get hitched, so it was a big deal. We all had roles in the wedding, and we took it very seriously. It was important to everyone that these two friends get the sendoff into matrimony that they deserved.
It wasn’t just about them, it was about all of us. It felt like we were all moving to ‘the next level.’
One of our friends had recently got a new girlfriend. I’ll call her ‘Terri.’
Terri was, in a word, obnoxious. If you’ve ever read Dilbert and saw ‘Topper,’ you’d know just the kind of person she was. Anything you could do, she could do better. Thing was, she couldn’t. However, she had a huge mouth and a boisterous personality, which meant most people didn’t want to argue just to keep the peace.
As an example, one day we were going to a local amusement park. I asked another friend to hold onto the tickets and Terri was incensed.
‘Why didn’t you give them to me?’ she asked, insulted. ‘After all, I have a photogenic memory.’
‘Well, we’ll take a picture of it, and Amy can still hold onto the tickets,’ I replied, not interested in dealing with her.
She, of course, meant ‘photographic,’ but that was the kind of person she was– trying to impress people by her prowess in vocabulary, physicality, mental ability…and always falling short.
Anyway, back to the wedding.
As I said, we all had a role to play, including our friend who was dating Terri. He was, in fact, the Best Man, so Terri was left to her own devices for almost the entire wedding and the reception.
Oh, the reception. She had to be the ‘best’ dancer, the ‘best’ speaker (even though she wasn’t supposed to speak at the reception), the ‘best’ at everything.
Then it came time for the bride to throw the bouquet.
All the single ladies lined up for the friendly flower-grab. The bride stood in front of the assembled guests, turned around, and chucked the bouquet high into the air.
Oh, Terri, Terri, Terri…
Poor Terri was on the wrong side of the room. As the bouquet hit its arc, it became apparent that Terri was at least thirty feet (and two tables) away…but that didn’t stop her. She launched herself over the tables and, in an extended outstretched dive worthy of Willie Mays, she careened into the assembled women on the floor. Chiffon and puffy dresses collapsed in a heap, along with the accompanying grunts and groans. As you can imagine, she missed.
Her timing was not just off, it was way off. The bouquet fell quietly five feet beyond the sprawling mass of bodies topped by Terri into the hands of the groom’s 13-year-old sister.
Oh, but Terri wasn’t done. She tried to scramble to her feet and was incensed that she had not gotten the bouquet. She tackled the groom’s sister. As she tried wrestling the bouquet from a girl eight years (and about 100 lbs) her junior, people finally got their wits about them, shook off their disbelief and shock, and intervened. They pulled Terri off of the groom’s sister, screaming and snarling (Terri, not the men or the groom’s sister), and shouting that the bouquet was hers.
The last I ever saw of Terri was when one of our friends was picking her up from behind, her legs kicking wildly as he carried her out of the reception hall, screaming like a maniac. Believe it or not, our friend who was dating Terri continued to date her for another 6 months until she broke up with him.
To this day, there is nothing that I’ve ever seen that has topped that wedding.”
He’s Over The Rainbow
“A few years ago, I was at a friend’s wedding. We’ll call her ‘Broomhilda.’ I’ve known her all her life. I am friends with her two brothers, Gerald and Mason, who we call Mac.
Now, Mac is gay. Really gay. Like a stereotype gay. I’ve known him his entire life, like his older sister. I’ve known for years. His sister has known for years. My family all know. We don’t care. In the city he lives in, he’s out. He has a thriving dental practice comprised almost entirely of the LGBT community. Honestly, we all just assumed that everyone knew he was out and had some sort of running gag where he would announce at social events that his fake girlfriend couldn’t make it. To call it obvious is like calling the Grand canyon a hole.
Back to the reception. Gerald is there with his girlfriend. Broomhilda greets me, my wife, sister, mom and dad, and sister’s husband.
Now, apparently, Mac is not out to his brother, parents, etc. He’s also been living with a guy for two years. He tells the guy, in the parking lot of the reception, that despite the fact that they live together, and that he’s out to a lot of folks, this guy ‘Brad’ now has to act like they are just colleagues/buddies/etc.
A little on Brad– he’s out. He’s also an active competitor in Iron Man competitions. Oddly enough, my brother-in-law also competes and is acquainted with Brad through a few competitions. Brad is the stereotypical frat boy– outgoing, collected, just a genial guy. Unless he told you, you’d never guess he was gay. Call him a ‘sissy’ and he’ll knock your teeth out.
Brad is angry, but keeping up appearances. I’m sitting a few seats away, but after talking to him a bit, I take a liking to him, as does my dad and sister. We also ascertain that Brad is a little more than Mac’s buddy.
An hour later we’re seated for dinner. Broomhilda has her family at one section of this huge crescent table. I’m a few seats down. Gerald is ribbing Mac about his girlfriend not being there. Gerald does not know that Mac is gay, or is in denial. Hard to tell. Mac keeps dodging and it looks like Brad is getting angrier and angrier at this.
Finally, Mac tells his brother and his dad, ‘I’m just waiting for the right woman.’
Now, Brad says, quietly but still loud enough to hear, ‘Yeah, one with a nice sized Johnson.’
Things suddenly go all matrix-y. My mom leans over and demands my phone. I play coy, but I’m already getting ready to record. My wife reaches over and grabs my phone.
Mac’s mother, inebriated, asks ‘What do you mean by that?’
Brad launches into a series of euphemisms for being gay like nothing I’ve ever heard. The highlights: ‘Your son paints with a lavender brush’ and ‘Your son has traveled over the rainbow.’
Nothing works. In the meantime, Mac is getting more and more embarrassed. Finally, Brad just blurts out: ‘Listen carefully. Your son has relations with other men.’
His mom at first is in denial, then she turns and projectile vomits.Mac leaves. Broomhilda follows him. My wife and sister and I follow Broomhilda. Mac is outside.
‘Is it that obvious?’ he asks me.
I try to be as frank as I can, unless someone actually asks me to dress things up.
‘Mac, I’ll tell you a pretty lie or the ugly truth, but you have to tell me which one you want.’
He says he wants the truth so I tell him.
‘It’s practically visible from orbit.’
He starts crying. I hug him. Broomhilda hugs him. My sister hugs him. I tell him that he’s the same guy he was before this evening, and that we’ve all known for years and love him no matter what happens. He’s basically family to us, as is Broomhilda and Gerald.
Brad finally comes outside. The two of them scream at each other for ten minutes and then it dies down. They’re cool.
Mac’s mom storms outside.
‘He’s not in the wedding!’
Broomhilda, in a rare moment of defiance, yells back ‘it’s my wedding and I say who’s in it.’
So me, wife, Brad, Mac, etc. go to a bar. We’re all good.
Interestingly, Mac and Brad are still going strong. They’re getting married in October. His sister’s union only held up three years.”
He Made Out With What?
“A dude making out with a fridge and sounding like he was enjoying it definitely tops the list.
When I was around the age of twelve, I found myself stuck at a wedding. Honestly, the whole thing was boring and a few of my friends were there. So, the reasonable course of action? Find a hidden spot and have a wild time…duh. Luckily for us, there was a small, secluded room which was perfect.
It was this quiet, dark, spacious room with interesting shelves, things, books, and games everywhere. In the corner, there was a small kitchen-esque area with an island table type thing.
To get to the room, you had to go up the staircase of doom. There were no windows, and with the lights off, it was pitch black. We knew where the light switch was, but we opted to keep the lights off because1) we didn’t want to risk being found by adults, 2) the way up would be adventurous, to say the least, and 3) it was hilarious to hear stories of who flew down the stairs, face first.
Up there, we would play intense games of truth or dare.
Since we our group ranged from 12 to 14, our maturity levels were clearly as high as they could possibly get, meaning that we would all burst into a heap of giggles whenever stuff like kissing or intimacy was mentioned.
You can guess where our truths and dares went.
Oh, did I mention that we were Christian kids from Christian families? At one point, I dared one kid to make out with the fridge. He did it. He like moaned, went full out, and like stroked the fridge, for a good minute. My poor, twelve-year-old eyes just twitched, while watching the horrendous sight burn into my retinas and memory for the rest of time. The silence and tension became so thick and obvious, that some kids were gagging.
I’m tellin’ you— the cringe was real. After the dare was completed, we just sat there staring at him with an expression of ‘what??’ And he was all like, ‘Haha what? I did the dare!’
Things were awkward for a good minute after that, but then everything got to normal and we continued the game.
Now, we just need to add on ‘fridge-lover’ to the ever-expanding list of attractions and genders.”
The Father Didn’t Even Try
“As an organist and pianist I have seen well over the usual number of weddings since I started playing for them over 25 years ago. I’ve heard lots of verbal mistakes that left the audience either laughing or wondering why public moments couldn’t come equipped with a rewind button. At one of my first weddings, I had to play for an extra half hour because the mother of the bride forgot her special shoes. Then, I wound up playing for her wedding a few years later (she was on time). I played for a wedding in Georgia without air conditioning that was so hot I watched the congregation slowly wilt into their seats while being delayed for 45 minutes due to a wedding limo malfunction.
The thing that made me cringe the most happened at a wedding in Plano, Texas (the north part of Dallas) about 20 years ago. The wedding started out normally enough in a fairly large church. The family was seated on time, the usual organ pieces were played and the bride with about five attendants made their way to the front.
There was a small child and his dad seated in the front row right next to the aisle. A few minutes into the ceremony, the child suddenly produced a huge pool of vomit right next to where the bride would be walking with her long dress along with all the other bridesmaids. His entitled looking dad responded like a hero by making the ‘someone else will deal with this’ face. He just continued to sit there like it didn’t happen. He didn’t move the child who was obviously not well and didn’t try to find a way for the wedding party to not walk around a pool of bright orange puke.
I’m still not sure how I managed to feel responsible, but I just couldn’t stand seeing an otherwise beautiful wedding turn into an obstacle course after the words ‘I now present to you…’ were uttered.
So, I made my way down the side aisle, found the custodian and got the paper towels, broom and custodial fairy dust. Rich dad in the front kept up his ‘this isn’t happening’ face while I returned the carpet back to its native blue color.
I was able to make one more trip back to return the cleaning supplies and duck into the bathroom to wash my hands from whatever I may have inadvertently encountered. When I got back, I just had a few minutes before I had to play the couple out.
I’m not sure I would ever do that again, but on that day I felt like the couple didn’t deserve their first act as a married couple to be stepping over a pool of vomit. As with most weddings, I have no idea what happened to the bride or groom, but I hope they are still happily married.”
That Poor Woman
“I was a groomsman in a wedding around a year or so ago. Luckily, the wedding went off without a hitch and shortly after, we were off to the reception. At the reception, everyone was dancing, drinking, and having an overall great time.
At the point in the evening when this ‘event’ occurred, I was standing out by the venue’s entrance drinking and chatting with some guests. Suddenly, from the dancefloor, a lady emerged– she came sprinting full tilt and was heading directly towards the bathroom. Unfortunately for her, the only bathroom in this place was a single stall that was currently in use by someone else. In an inebriated panic, she kind of did a little jump, squealed a bit, then ran out the door into the street. She was gone just as quickly as she came.
The cringey part is what she left behind. Upon inspection, we quickly came to the realization that she ended up accidentally ‘relieving herself’ on the floor. I wish the story ended there, but it doesn’t. Upon going outside to make sure she’s okay, we also realized that not only did she go on the floor inside, but she also left a trail clear down the street in the direction she ran.
She did not return to the reception.”
Trying Too Hard
“This is one from a long time ago, but it is something that I will never be able to unsee. It certainly left a lifetime impression on me. This had to be back in the mid-Sixties or thereabouts.
My family was invited to the wedding of a relative. The father of the bride was a cousin of my father’s. We weren’t ‘family’ close with them, matter of fact I had never even met these people before. Still, we were invited. I was in my young teens is all I remember.
We lived in Brooklyn, New York and this wedding was at one of those special wedding halls out on Long Island, New York. The wedding was one of those over the top opulent affairs. When we got there, it had the usual pre-ceremony room set up with tables with snack food. Me? I was happy. I was always a fan of those little hot dogs wrapped in dough.
After the wedding itself was handled in the ‘chapel’ room, all the guests moved over to the banquet room. Tables were set up across the floor with place cards to find your assigned seating. Up at the front of the room was the usual dais set up for the bride and groom and their friends. On either side of the center (bride and groom) seats was the bottom of a wrought iron two-sided staircase that let up either side to a platform near the top of the room. The design of the staircase was actually heart shaped. That was the first clue! From the platform at the top there were these two steel cables running across the room just under the ceiling. They ran into an alcove at the far end of the room. Hanging from the ceiling, on either side of this cable run, were all these pink chiffon clouds. Uhhh?
Once the guests were seated, and we were awaiting the entrance of the happy couple, the lights were dimmed. A spotlight hit this opening at the top of the room, at the end of the cable run. Now, I wish I was making this up, but sadly I am not. With the strains of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ playing, a larger pink chiffon cloud comes gliding out from the wall. It was a pink chiffon cloud car CARRYING the bride and groom. This thing floated across the ceiling to the applause of the assembled guests. It sailed gracefully across the room ending at the top of the heart shaped wrought iron staircase where the newly married couple got out to wave to their guests. They then each went down either side of the heart staircase to meet at their seats below. On the ride across the bride (my relative?) was beaming like a Disney Princess. The groom, well honestly, he looked like he would have preferred to be anywhere but there. I felt for him. This had to be NOT his idea!
It was enthralling. Me? I almost lost all those little mini franks wrapped in dough that I had recently scarfed down. I was laughing that hard! My father doing his best not to also laugh was kicking my legs trying to get me to stop.
I kid you not. This was real. It was amazing. It was like a bad movie scene. In retrospect, I am sort of glad that I got to be part of that experience. Painful as it was, I got to see it. It was really something, er, special.”
He Thought It Was Funny
“My friend is 30 and marrying a 26-year-old guy. Neither have been married or engaged before. They are polar opposites with regard to humor. I never heard my friend belly laugh; her spouse laughed long and loud about a lot of things. All of us that knew them both were sure it was a good match because she needed to lighten up a bit and he needed to tone it down a bit sometimes.
Wedding day, beautiful on the water gazebo for the ceremony. The bride arrives in a horse drawn carriage. Ceremony begins and now, ‘may I please have the ring’ part comes. The Best man reaches to an inside pocket and pulls out a huge box of Cracker Jack and starts searching for the ring amid the carmel corn and nuts. Her spouse takes the box and tips a bunch into his hand, saying ‘Bro, let’s just eat it till we see the ring.’ As he makes the first crunch, the Best man gets a big smile and pulls out the ring.
My friend did not find this amusing in any way. Most of us thought it was PERFECT.
I see her later at the reception. She is smiling and taking picture with her new husband. She walks toward me with a perfect smile on and whispers through her teeth ‘Can you even believe he did that’? I have to really work to keep a straight face, and I reply ‘you will have a lifetime of laughter.’
They divorced three years later.”
A Toast For The Garbage Bin
“A few years ago, I went to the wedding of an old school friend. We’d not really been in touch for a few years, but back in the day, we were pretty close, so I knew his family well, including his elder brother who was best man.
The wedding itself was pretty standard– big house in the country in a huge function room with maybe 150 guests, all seated at large round tables.
Now back to the elder brother. He always struck me as quite outgoing. Not loud, but a bit of a joker and certainly not a shrinking violet, so when it came time for his speech, we were all expecting a bit of a giggle about old times.
Brother stood up to expectant applause and surveyed his audience, smiling. Applause died down, brother is still looking around the room. This pause is pregnant with triplets.
Still waiting. A few coughs and a nervous giggle.
After what seemed like an age, Brother broke the silence.
‘Errrrr….’
He coughs. Starts scanning the room again. Smile has dropped into a look of abject terror.
‘Ummmm……right…..’
People start to realize this isn’t a joke.
‘Errrr…..’
This is excruciating now. The brother is clearly doing this for real.
‘Umm….’
Oh God, everyone in the room was so on his side, but it was painful and the longer it went on, the more awkward it got.
Eventually, he composed himself a little.
‘Cheers mate. All the best.’
He waves his glass and sits back down.
Poor, poor guy.”
What A Flex
“It was a cousin’s wedding reception a few years ago. The groom’s parents have a close relationship with my dad, which is the only reason I went. The bride and groom had a destination wedding abroad which only close family went to. The wedding reception was in our hometown a few weeks later. The whole evening was one giant cringe. The reception was in one of the biggest event spaces in town because there were about 1500 guests. The groom’s family wanted to show off how popular they are, but I don’t know how many guests were actually friends and family. Instead of seating us with family, we were seated with the owner of the jewelry shop where the bride purchased her jewelry from. The owner said he didn’t know the groom or bride or anyone else there personally, but only came because he thought it would be a good place to network and solicit clients for his jewelry business. My dad lives out of town and was hoping to see other family members at this reception, but it was so big he couldn’t find any family before we left. The groom’s family is known for showing off, tacky behavior, bragging and just doing odd things like the wedding reception.
The dinner part started around 8:00 PM. They shut down the appetizer stations and bar service in the lobby about this time. They did this probably to hold people captive for two hours of introductions, speeches, and video presentations. Yes, two hours. First everyone they knew since childhood through post graduate and family members danced into the ballroom in specific groups. The first group was the elementary school friends, next the elite private school the groom attended, then college, etc. Each group was introduced and did a dance to their table. There were about 10–15 groups between the groom’s and bride’s side and this alone took about 30 minutes. Next there were 90 minutes of speeches, slideshows, and video presentations of the destination wedding. Most people I saw were on their phones, hardly anyone paying attention.
The worst part was the content of the speeches. The groom has two brothers. The groom, one brother and both parents are physicians. The third brother has some psychiatric issues, was in and out of mental health facilities and didn’t finish college. The parents bought a small business for him to manage and he seemed to be doing okay. The bride has a PhD in a non-science area. The groom’s physician brother was the MC the whole night and did the most talking. The physician brother said several times how everyone in his family was a doctor, but the third brother was not a doctor and the bride was not a real doctor. He tried to sound joking, but it came off mean. The non-doctor brother didn’t smile or laugh every time it was brought up, he looked uncomfortable. The same prick managed to do the pettiest name-dropping ever. He name-dropped that a retired NFL player lived in his building, how many rich people they went to private school with, and he even managed to work in that one of the groom’s friends was the son of the ambassador to a Caribbean island nation.
The speeches by other family members were almost as bad. The groom’s mother said in plain terms the groom was her favorite son, the most handsome and accomplished of her sons. The groom’s dad speech was all about how popular his family was and how many people showed up for the reception. The bride, the groom, every sibling and both sets of parents made speeches that were cringe-worthy, bragging and droned on and on.
Around 10:00 pm, they finally finished speeches and announced dinner. Our rich fancy cousins decided to have a buffet instead of sit down service for 1500 guests. There were only two buffet stations and the MC asked everyone to go only when the table number was called, but after sitting for two hours and being bored and hungry, hardly anybody listened. Because my dad is elderly and can’t stand too long, we waited for buffet lines to get shorter. Roughly 750 people per buffet line took about 45 minutes to get through the line. We didn’t eat dinner until 11:00 pm. Lucky for me, my dad was tired, and we had an excuse to leave before midnight.
The MC also announced/bragged through the night that there would be ‘special gifts’ for the guests to pick up before they left. We passed by where they were handing them out without picking one up. Someone ran after us to hand us two pretty wrapped boxes and said we forgot our ‘special gifts.’ Really, they all said that -‘special gift.’ We unwrapped them at home, the special gifts were plastic picture frames. Mine had a cracked front and a clip that couldn’t hold the picture in the back. My dad didn’t take his home and I threw both away. They probably spent $5 on each ‘special gift.’ The bride wore about $250,000 in jewelry and clothes to the reception (we know this because it was mentioned in one of the speeches), so I guess they had to budget somewhere. That ‘special gift’ really summed up the groom’s family- the box was wrapped really nicely and the gift inside was cheap and tacky.”