Deadbeat dads. The phrase refers to a parental figure (in this case, dads, specifically) who fail to fulfill their parental responsibilities when it comes to raising and being a part of their kids' lives. There should be no excuses for being a
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
International Issue
“I went overseas when I was 18, came back when I was 19, and then was sent to Korea at 20. I had a lot of issues that I wasn’t addressing.
I met a beautiful girl over there, and for some time, I was happy. We even got a little apartment together. However, my issues began to resurface, and I went back to the only way I knew of dealing with things, and that was with drinking. My daily routine consisted of getting messed up as soon as I got off of work, Saturdays were always a blur, and on Sundays, I’d just be passed out if I couldn’t drink anymore. Naturally, it caused a lot of problems between us, and she tried her best to help me so that we could work things out. I eventually got orders to come back to the States, and I told her about it three weeks before I could leave. We kept in touch for about two months after, and then she cut off all contact with me.
We ended up reconnecting almost two years later, and she told me that she had gotten pregnant with my child, and at the time, had felt like it was best not tell me. She asked if I wanted to meet my daughter, so I flew out there and met her. I asked for a DNA test, and she agreed. It turned out she was telling the truth. She also told me she had met another man whom she had fallen in love with, and he was willing to be a father to our child.
Due to this, she asked that if I loved our daughter, then I would stay out of her life so that she could live a stable and normal life with a dad who loved her. I knew my drinking prevented me from being any positive influence on her life. So, I agreed. Her mother and I talk about once a year, and they both seem to be doing well. However, that little girl still doesn’t know the truth about her biological father, and to be honest, it hurts.”
Circle Of Cheating
“My brother went nuts after his wife cheated on him. He immediately got remarried to another lady he barely knew, and she already had three kids of her own. He also had three kids from his original marriage. After one year, he divorced again and got remarried to another new lady, who had two kids out-of-state, and were involved together while he was still married to wife number two.
It was like he had a whole new life and his original three kids and the second ex-wife’s three kids, who he was a father to for a year, just didn’t exist anymore. He solely became focused on wife number three. Honestly, it’s mostly just sad for all of the kids involved.”
Legal Nonsense
“I could never do it myself, but I understand why some men might have left. My son’s mother ‘could never’ get pregnant until, of course, she did. When she did, she went through my income papers and immediately sued me for child support. It was her plan to never let me see our son. She took off and didn’t tell me where she lived. I went to an attorney and consulted him.
When our child was born, she wouldn’t let me see him. I spent about $30,000 in attorney fees to get ‘standard visitation.’ She pulled all kinds of nonsense to keep me from seeing him for 18 years. Not to mention, she also moved a little over 100 miles away. Sometimes, I’d show up to my court-appointed visitation time, and there would be a note on the door stating: ‘Baby is sick, come back another time.’ No phone calls, nothing.
The courts didn’t enforce visitation time. I kept on her and ended up doing all of the driving myself because when she shared the transportation, she’d often pick him up at noon or during my visitation time when I had him for the weekend. For 18 years, she continually gave me nothing but trouble when I tried to see him. She’d schedule him for activities on my visitation days claiming that it was for his benefit and whatnot.
In the end, she alienated my son and moved in with me once he graduated from high school. I went through nearly 18 years of horror having to deal with that woman every week. Many guys wouldn’t have put up with that situation, but I did, and it wasn’t easy.”
Hurtful Accusations
“My wife, trust issues, constant unfounded accusations of infidelity, constant arguments, and refusal to go to counseling were all just some of the reasons that caused me to leave. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Someone just making me feel terrible all of the time when she stayed at home, and I paid the bills plus took care of everything. We had a 22-year-old stepdaughter, 12-year-old daughter, and a 6-year-old daughter.
She called the police and said that I was violent even though I had never placed a hand on anyone. They told her it was unfounded with no history or no signs and that I had left when she had asked me. It all came to a head when she took the little ones out of the country for like two weeks and never called or tried to contact me.
She accused me of sleeping with the neighbor when I was actually (there are Facebook posts to prove it) in another state with my sister and nieces or in another state fishing with my nephews. The kids also told me that they got so sick on the trip that they had to travel far (two hours or so) to get to a large hospital for treatment, and she never called.
Also, her stepdaughter broke down and told me that her mother had been accusing her of trying to sleep with me for the last six years. She was an emotional wreck. I just snapped. The one time we did try marriage counseling, it came out that my wife was still in love with a former boyfriend from 18 years ago.
So, now given the threat of police action, I have been refused any contact with my kids for almost seven months. She won’t let me see them even if I’m escorted by my (very stable) mother or brother. The lawyers informed me that all I can do is wait. Child support and alimony don’t phase me. I just want to be able to see my kids, but she makes it seem like I’m dead to them.”
Two Sides To Every Story
“I met my real father for the first time ever in my late-20s. For basically my entire life, I was told that he had abandoned us, wanted nothing to do with us, neglected us, and was abusive towards my mother. He also never wanted to call or send any birthday cards. Well, was I in for a surprise. As I grew older and pondered a life and family of my own, I felt this emptiness inside of me that wanted to seek him out just to ask, ‘Why?’
I asked my mother where he was only to have her flip out, question me intensely, and become defensive. This brought out some red flags that I’ve never seen before, and these were red flags I didn’t want to ignore. It was like the child that never questioned her soon to be discovered lies might find something out. And boy, did I.
I ‘googled’ him, his address, and luckily, his phone number was listed. So, I called him and told him who I was. He immediately lost it on the phone. Years later, he told me he was on his knees crying to God that this day would someday come. We talked on the phone every day (sometimes multiple times a day) for two weeks straight. I was living a few thousand miles away, but anyway, I flew to see him.
We met in a Chik-fil-A in Birmingham, Ala., for the first time. We sat, talked, and he answered EVERYTHING that I wanted to know. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He also brought a box, and in that box were cards (Christmas, birthday, Halloween, along with an assortment of unopened gifts). Some of these had been sent back from my mother with notes that read: ‘Leave us alone. Go away. We don’t want anything to do with you.’ I felt enraged. That same visit, I drove with him to see his mother (my grandmother), and she verified everything.
My mother was the one who left, manipulated everyone, and played victim to whoever would hear her sad stories. My grandmother attempted to play the middleman many times to deliver gifts, arrange times for us to see our dad, and she swore up and down that losing his children destroyed him. She ALSO had notes and gifts that had been sent BACK from my mom with nasty messages attached to them.
Long story short, my mom and I haven’t spoken in many years. She has missed major life events of mine. I’m retired at 38. I was successful with my job and investments. I married an amazingly beautiful woman, and we have a beautiful 2-year-old son together. We moved to a new city, bought a beautiful home, and have traveled the all over the world. All of these things my mother has missed out on. When I spoke to people from my hometown, they told me that she was still the same, and how she was telling anyone who would listen about how her son had ‘abandoned’ her.”
Checked Out
“After ten years of having a pretty happy marriage, I became pregnant with our third. He always wanted at least three kids (maybe even four). So, this wasn’t an unwanted pregnancy. During that third pregnancy of mine, we had some rough financial times and some additional stresses in our lives. He was just checked out and decided that he wasn’t interested in being a dad or husband anymore.
A year or two later, I finally filed for divorce. I found a good job in another state and took the kids with me. He was fine with that and never wanted custody. We’re amicable enough, although, I have sole custody. He sees them once in a while for maybe a day or two. He is not a part of their daily lives, but he does know how to parent. He gets to play the role of ‘fun uncle’ sometimes, and he is fine with that (I can’t imagine why). Our children are all healthy, gorgeous, really smart, creative, fun, and energetic.
I could never imagine not feeling devastated by not being a part of their lives. It works for him, though. I guess the bottom line is that something just clicked for him, and he checked out of the whole family life thing. I guess it was all too stressful and demanded too much out of him. Some people are selfish and simply unable to do it.”
It Was All An Act
“My best friend in high school was the oldest of several children. He mom was a stay-at-home mom, and her dad was an involved father. I went on countless outings with them or with just him and the kids. He went to our school’s father-daughter dances. He coached his kids’ sports teams. Anyone would’ve thought he was an A+ dad. Their family had a comfortable middle-class existence, and my friend had just gotten into an Ivy league school.
The summer before she was supposed to start college, her dad cleaned out the family bank account and skipped the country with his mistress while leaving the family bankrupt with a mom who had no job experience or skills. His actions ruined all of their lives.
The only explanation I’ve ever been able to come up with is that he must’ve been a sociopath who knew how to put on a good act.”
No Contact
“My brother and I were abandoned by our dad. He was 8 and I was 3.
Our father went on to have a couple of more kids down the road and was in their lives until he passed. However, when he left us, he wanted ‘no contact.’ He didn’t provide any child support. There were no birthday cards or phone calls. There was zero contact. No one ever talked about him to us. Once in a while, my mom would refer to him as a bad name, but I always wondered, ‘What?’
I tracked him down when I was well into my 30s and tried to establish some kind of a relationship with him, but by then, it was already too late. He died before I could ever get to know him.
Here’s the thing. I learned there will never be any answers that will truly satisfy you. He may come up with some ‘reasons’ behind why he did what he did, but there will always be a comeback for all of them especially in this day and age with the internet. That means the only reason for total abandonment is because they wanted to leave. You are better served in the long run diving into therapy and learning to be okay with it.”
Opted For Adoption
“15 years ago, my girlfriend and I chose to give up our child for adoption.
Honestly, I still break down and cry over it, and I worry about him a lot. To be honest, I wanted a family even then much more than anything else. At about six months into our relationship, I found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me several times, and so I naturally worried that the child wasn’t mine. At the time, I wasn’t emotionally able to handle it all. Just the thought of her sleeping with all of these guys (some of which I knew), and even worse knowing that she didn’t love me.
For months, I tried to get over it, but I was just rude to my girlfriend after that. I tried to forgive her, but every moment of every day, I just thought about what she had done and how things just weren’t getting any better. So, we decided to give him up for adoption. I couldn’t even go to the hospital with her.
All of this has pretty much ruined my life, and I feel like a hollow shell of a person. I’ve tried to find him several times but with no luck. Anyway, it might not even be that good of an idea.”
Abadnonment Issues
“My dad was married and already had two daughters before he got together with my mom, and they had me. I grew up knowing I had two older sisters, but I never saw them, and my dad never had any contact with them.
When I got older, my dad told me that he had met with his daughters, and they told him that they had a new daddy and that they didn’t need him. He knew his ex-wife was manipulating them, but he also felt like it was fairer to give them a clean break rather than dropping in and out of their life.
As I’ve gotten older, I now have a different view on the situation. My dad is adopted and, unbeknownst to him, has massive abandonment issues. He hasn’t seen his twin brother since 1985 or his mother since 1985. I’ve had limited contact with him ever since my parents got divorced. Throughout his life, he has had a pattern of abandoning people before they can abandon him. Not that he sees this in himself, though.”
Unanswered Questions
“My dad abandoned my mom, sister and me in 1989 when I was just 7 years old, and my sister was 3. I always wondered why he had left and barely saw us after. Here are a few things that I could come up with as an adult now who has two kids of his own.
1) Was it me? My son has ADHD and a defiant disorder. It’s overwhelming and frustrating. Was I like my son and a heavy burden? I could never imagine abandoning my family. I mean no matter how frustrating things sometimes get.
2) Was it my mom? Did she push him away? Well, if that was the case, then why would he abandon his kids, too?
3) Was it his own parents’ lack of emotional support? His mother died when he was young, and his father wasn’t the kind of man to show any kind of emotion. His stepmother was verbally abusive and use to make him sleep in the hallways. He eventually went off and lived on his own when he was 16.
I haven’t seen or talked to my father in 20 years. I often think about him. I wonder if he thinks of me? Is he sorry? Is he remorseful? Would I ever want to find him, and if I ever did, would I then allow him to meet my children?”
Overcoming A Mental Illness
“The truth is, I didn’t mean to be a deadbeat. I suffered from a mental illness, and I couldn’t take care of myself much less a child at the time.
I spent years in and out of hospitals, shelters, and halfway houses. I’m on proper medication now and able to support myself, but it’s too late for me to take care of my child. He’s 19 and in college somewhere across the country.
I did my best to stay in touch, and we text often. However, I will always regret losing all those years.”
Knocked Up
[Iakov Filimonov][1]/Shutterstock
[1]: https://www.shutterstock.com/g/Iakov Filimonov
“A contraceptive broke when I was younger, and the woman I was sleeping with got knocked up.
From the very beginning, I was clear with her and told her that I had no interest in having a child. She kept it, but I wanted my own life. I wasn’t ready to be a father, and honestly, I saw no enjoyment in kids at all. Some of my friends have kids, and I can’t stand them.
I apologize to everyone who grew up without a father, but sometimes, you just don’t want to have to stop your own life because of an accident, or a decision that was made by someone else.”
Living Up To The Mark
“My friend’s dad left him at a young age. He found out later that the reason behind why he had left was because he didn’t think that he deserved to be around his child nor would he be able to take care of him. He was a bit of a bum with a terrible job.
Years later, he showed up again, and by this time, had a decent job and gave his son quite a bit of money. It wasn’t even in an attempt to win him over, but more so because it was what he wanted to do from the very start but originally couldn’t.”
Not A Priority
“My father didn’t want to be with my mom and went with this other woman before I was born. I have three half-siblings somewhere out there. I contacted him, and he didn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know maybe he was surprised by my call. He had the opportunity to continue to send me Christmas and birthday cards after I turned 21 which he chose not to. I think he has another family, and that is that.”
Low-Life
“He was barely there for the first year and a half. He couldn’t even hold down a job, and it was my parents who kept us from being homeless.
Once I got a job, he didn’t want to watch the kid, so I had to kick him out. I let him have visitation rights, but one time when I went to pick up our child from his house, he had left his front door unlocked (and this was in a bad part of town). He was asleep and didn’t hear me calling out or knocking. Our kid was just left to chill on the carpet with no playpen or anything.
He eventually ended up in jail and has never tried to reach out to us since. My kid has since forgotten about him. He always had all of these big ideas but without any followthrough and would always blame others for his problems. To be honest, our child is probably better off without him to serve as an example.”