23 Excuse Masters Share The Most Ingenious Ways They’ve Gotten Out Of Doing Something

By Dylan Connar

December 7, 2016

Flamingo Images

Doing stuff sucks. But these masters of coming up with the perfect excuse can get out of anything!

He Was a Knotty Soldier

“When my dad was doing his military service in Belgium back in the day he knew a guy who, on his first day, memorized the entire hierarchy/chain of command. He then proceeded to pick up a plank of wood, put it on his shoulder and then just walk around the camp all day long. If he was ever questioned why he wasn’t where he should be he just said that he was bringing the piece of wood to the person who was the interrogator’s superior. Legend has it he didn’t do a damn thing for three years.”

The Dog Did Not Eat His Homework

“I knew a kid in middle school who got out of his science fair project playing a long con on a kind, elderly teacher who had a tendency to forget things. In the months before it was due, he would openly talk to her about the progress he was making on his project and how he was excited to be learning new things. Of course, he was just making everything up, but she had no way of knowing. Fast forward to the science fair, all of our posters were set up except this kid who immediately started crying about how they had lost all of his hard work. Our teacher, being the kind woman she was, immediately started consoling him and apologizing for misplacing his wonderful project. According to her, it had been one of the best in the class. He ended up getting an A.”

What Is Next to Which?

“I’m sure others have had similar experiences but I worked a retail job where we had to set up aisle displays. One of my co-workers never had to do them and we all hated them. I asked him why he is never forced to do them. He said when they give you one, just do it completely wrong. When they try to help you, you can’t understand, the directions are just like Greek to you. After going through that, they will never ask you to do one again.”

The Classic Clean-Up

“I was babysitting one night for a few families, and the girl (age 6 or so) who lived at the house I was at clearly needed to clean her room. So she proceeded to organize a game of ‘Cinderella’ with several of the other kids. She made herself the stepmother and someone else Cinderella, whose main job in the game was to clean up the room. Of course everyone wanted to be Cinderella, so she had the perfect system. Her room got cleaned and she didn’t have to lift a finger.”

Think Outside the Box

“When I was young, I remember asking restaurant servers if they could box my food up for me. It was always 50/50; sometimes they’d box it up, no problem, and other times they’d say ‘No, I can bring you a box, but I’m not allowed to box it up for you for health code reasons.’ Fair enough. I never questioned it, and just assumed those who did box it up for me didn’t know about the rule. Flash forward a few years, I was a server at a restaurant while in college. I was super busy one day, and had a customer ask me if I could box up their food for them. Without even realizing it, I heard the words slip out of my mouth ‘No, I can bring you a box, but I’m not allowed to box it up for you for health code reasons.’ They smiled and said no problem. That’s immediately when I realized that hundreds of servers get away with this every single day, just because they don’t want to box up someone’s food.”

Nobody Said He Had to Do Stuff

“Quit his job. First day this guy was hired to work in a warehouse. 8:00am start. Watched him walk out at 8:02. Asked the boss ‘What did he leave in the car.’ Boss looks a bit stunned at me saying ‘I asked him to sweep up something’ ‘Fuck this, I quit.'”

There Is a Reason Why Mom Won’t Let Her Go

“I remember riding in a friend’s car (full of high school students) headed to some guy’s house. A girl in the back seat with me texted her mom to call her. The mom calls and the girl has a conversation that I noticed was getting weird when the girl asked ‘Why can’t I go mom?’ and then ‘Mom, why can’t I go?’ and then ‘Why won’t you let me go Mom?’ She got dropped off at home a few minutes later. I’m positive her mom would’ve let her, but she used that question over and over to communicate that she didn’t want to go and her mom was her way out.”

Chief Clerk Leaves Superior Speechless

“While serving in the Army I had irked my Battery Sergeant major. He invited me into the office and showed me the large empty parking area behind his office covered in leaves. ‘Be sure those leaves are all cleared by lunchtime.’ “Yes sir” I obediently replied. Now the reason I’d irked him is because as the ‘Chief Clerk’ in the Battery Headquarters, I had to keep everything ship shape. I’d been out on the beer the night before and skipped PT that morning under the excuse of “Important things to do in the office”. The BSM decided that while I was bloody good at what I did, I could not go unpunished and a bit of leaf sweeping would no doubt sweat the beer out of me. One of my good civilian friends, the guy I had been out on the beer with the night before, worked on the barracks as part of the estate management. They did everything from clearing drains, cutting grass, trimming trees etc so………. I picked up the phone and explained my situation to my friend. He obviously laughed at my misfortune and then I asked a small favor of him from one of his guys, with a crate of beer as the reward. The deal was done and I sat back with a coffee in my office. As lunchtime approached, the BSM returned from his daily rounds, went into his office and then came an apoplectic screech… ‘GET YOUR ARSE IN MY OFFICE….NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!’ Well, I was in there sharp, slamming my feet in, bolt upright at attention in front of his desk. “SIR!!” I said loudly announcing my arrival. ‘I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO CLEAR THOSE FING LEAVES OFF THE CAR PARK – WHAT THE ACTUAL FK IS THAT OUT THERE???’ I peered out of the window and there was my friends work colleague just finishing the final run over the car park in his little road sweeper, little orange lights flashing. The car park was not just leaf free, it was spotless! I then puffed out my chest and hesitantly replied ‘Sir, you said that you wanted the car park clear of leaves, which it looks like it is. You didn’t actually say that I had to do it myself.’ The look on the BSMs face was one of rage and incredulity. I’d done exactly what was required, just not what was implied. I worked my backside off for a few weeks after that, starting early, finishing late and making sure that I new what the BSM wanted even before he thought of it. In a way, I punished myself and he accepted that because at the end of the day, he knew if he needed something doing, he could always rely on me to get it done.”

Instant Soup Looks Awful the First Time Around, Too

“As a kid I couldn’t get out of school unless I could prove I was sick. One day I was desperate to get off school so I asked my mom if I could stay home. She agreed, but only if I had a fever or had been sick. Now I knew I was perfectly healthy, so there was no chance I would have a temperature, so as she was digging in the bathroom, I rushed to the kitchen, grabbed a cup-a-soup (an English brand for a powdered just add water soup… this one was some cream of garlic flavored concoction with dried veggies, I distinctly remember small carrot cubes) and I threw it into the toilet. I then weakly called out ‘Mom…I’ve been sick…’ and she came over, looked at it, clearly holding her breath to not gag, flushed the toilet and told me to get into bed. I later admitted to my dad what I had done. About 20 years later, but still.”

A Library Worker Breaks a Leg in a Momentous Performance

“A few years ago, I worked at a library that was literally a five minute walk from my home. Nice job, but on this day in particular it wasn’t so great. We were swapping some of our stuff with another library, and I started my shift just as the truck full of books pulled up. I did my best to look really happy and busy at my station that I usually worked, comfortably in the back next to the air conditioner repairing and replacing the covers on books. It wasn’t enough. I simply looked too young and spry to my boss, who immediately sought me out to help unload crates filled with books. I sighed with disappointment but got to work. About ten minutes in, I hear a loud click followed by a sharp SNAP that surprises all of us. Everyone took a quick step back instinctively… except for me, as I was carrying a huge box that was too heavy for me to move in time. Apparently part of the tailgate was under too much strain and it simply snapped off, dropping a large amount of metal and crates of books onto my legs. Somehow, I was uninjured, and I knew as much immediately. Looking down at everything now fallen on the lower half of my body, it certainly didn’t look that way. So of course I immediately shouted, ‘OH GOD, MY LEGS!’ and began frantically pulling myself out of the book pile. Through my ‘tears of suffering’ I managed to convince everyone that I was fine but in intense pain, but I didn’t want to waste more time so I’d just go back to repairing book covers so I can sit down and recover while still contributing. They bought it completely. After we made sure I was truly uninjured, I filled out a workplace accident report and happily moved back to my favorite spot by the air conditioner. I still feel a little guilty for convincing my co-workers that I was in crippling agony.”

Here’s Your Sign

“Not me, but my girlfriend told me a story about something like this. There was a kid back in her high school that would always run stop signs and one day he got pulled over by the cops. He got ticketed, but did not pay the ticket and waited for the court date. Well, according to her, each night before the court date he would sneak out in the middle of the night and steal the stop sign. When it came time to be in court he would simply state that there was no stop sign there so how could he have ran it. He had three stop signs in his possession…”

The Man Fixes Tickets

“I attended a religiously affiliated university and was a commuter student in my last year. The parking situation on campus was atrocious, the campus parking police had quotas to fill, the campus was very spread out, and parking was sparse – causing tardiness issues for a lot of commuter students. After my 3rd parking ticket, despite leaving early, timing my commute perfectly, etc, I appealed via email, citing that the university should impart the forgiveness of Jesus Christ on students just trying to get the most out of the $60k education. The next day my parking tickets were magically gone. Praise up.”

Zombies Must Have Braaiiinnns

“I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he’s still half asleep, bleary eyed… basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He’s squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It’s painful to watch. But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I’m-still-totally-asleep voice, he says ‘Heeeey. It’s OPS. Could you… shift our barpat… yeah, one six five. Thanks.’ And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting. And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie’s face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I’ve just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship’s back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he’s changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He’s literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe. He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I’m terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he’s not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.”

The Employee Who Called in Dead

“I used to work for a very difficult lady. She put everybody on 2 year contracts, but everybody left as soon as they could. 6 months after I had left, she emailed me asking if I’d return because the girl who replaced me had died. I was shocked and upset, as this girl was only my age (mid 20s) and really lovely- I felt awful. So I did some Facebook stalking and found out that she was very much alive. She literally pretended she was terminally ill to get out of her 2 year work contract.”

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

“When I was in boy scouts I basically had to babysit little kids all the time. At one point an extremely spoiled eight year old learned about the word vagina. He did not know what it meant, but he knew he was not supposed to say it, so he would not shut up about it. Whenever he learned a new curse word he would yell it at people at the most inappropriate times, and claim we (older kids) taught him it to get us in trouble. By that point the adults realized he was lying, but we would be tasked with making him shut up. So I convinced him he was pronouncing it wrong and the word was actually Virginia, not vagina. He stopped yelling it all the time because nobody reacted to it. So I guess I really just did the work really efficiently.”

He Couldn’t Be Late for His Own Funeral

“My friend’s dad was always anti-social but my wife and I have known him since we were high school sweethearts so when it was time to get married we invited him. The trickster went and died in his sleep the day before the wedding just so he wouldn’t have to go. Little scamp.”

Children Can Be Religiously Quiet

“When I was a kid, my siblings and I did not realize that my parents hated church as much as we did, and really only made us go occasionally so they wouldn’t feel like bad parents. Every Sunday morning, my brother and I would get up early and take care of my little sister, who was really loud and an early riser, and make her be really quiet (which meant playing nicely with no fighting) so we wouldn’t wake up my parents, because then we would have to go to church.
It turns out my parents were well aware of our plot, but played along so they could sleep in on Sundays. And because they really didn’t like church either.”

Dad Had a Stroke of Genius

“My older brother likes to move, like a lot. He is one of those people who was about 35, didn’t support himself, and lived in complete filth but has done tons of grad school. We get to his apartment to help him move, and there are just huge piles of dirty laundry and nothing is packed. Obviously my dad did not want to help, so he came out with a case or vertigo (we thought he had a stroke) and ended up in the hospital. Spent the next three days in my condo drinking beer and watching basketball.”

Can the Small Talk

“If my parents were talking to my relatives and then they want me to talk to them I make sure I’m either taking or at least pretending to take a long dump on the toilet. Not exactly the best or creative way but it works to get me out of dull repetitive conversation about my studies and who I’m gonna marry.’

He Hid in Plain Sight

“My friend (R)’s bachelor party. End of a long night bar hopping, we stop at a pizza joint. He’s pretty wasted, so I’m encouraging him to eat a slice of pizza, soak up some alcohol. He gets tired of me pestering him, yells ‘I don’t WANNA eat the pizza,’ picks up the slice of pizza, and hurls it – over the heads of 2 cops seated at the counter – SMACK into the wall. Chaos ensues, everyone yelling, my friend (R) runs for the door, another friend (J) close behind. The 2 cops are right behind, and 1 of them grabs (J)’s shoulder. I’m right behind the cop, and stupid me grabs the cop’s shoulder and yell ‘It wasn’t him!’ He knocks my hand off his shoulder, apparently takes me at my word, and continues out the door to catch (R). We all end up outside, the cops find no trace of (R), and finally give up and go back inside. We’re all scratching our heads wondering where the fuck (R) went, when we hear ‘hey guys.’ The slick fucker was leaning nonchalantly against a sign post 10 feet away where he’d been the whole time. The cops (and everyone else) were so busy looking for someone sprinting away that we completely didn’t see him right in front of us.”

The Penalty for Arson May Be Worse Than an F

“One day we had this test in my junior year history class that was only two short essay questions. However, I had this friend that sat next to me that showed up super stoned and he clearly was not in a mood to take tests. He whispered to me, ‘I don’t want to f*ckin do thissss…’ Then he whipped out a lighter and lit a piece of paper and set fire to the carpet so we had to evacuate the classroom. Super effective. I’m never going to forget that dumb smug smile on his face.”

Uh-Oh, Gotta Go, Gotta Go

“I’ve used this excuse many times, and it has a 99% success rate. My favorite time I used it though was during my high school football practice. We had this mean old Dline coach whose name was Sandy. Sandy didn’t really like any of us in particular but he had a few people he liked to pick on. I was one of them, and had recently been skipping practice during the week (I was small and second string so no one really cared, I was essentially a practice dummy for the starting squad) but he would always be on my ass asking me where I had been etc. After one particularly long bout of skipping (2-3 days I think) He called me out in front of all my friends and the whole team in the huddle after practice. I stood up in front of all my coaches and this mean old fucker and began to nervously wrench my hands and look at my feet and said ‘Well coach, I recently discovered I have IBS, Irritable Bowl Syndrome, and I’ve had few episodes this week.’ He was already apologizing and saying its fine before I even finished my sentence. I’ve continued to use this excuse and haven’t found a single person that has doubted my ‘IBS’ even though its complete bullshit. I’ve found that if you embarrass yourself in an excuse it usually seems more genuine.”

He Couldn’t Dig Cleaning Dishes

“While camping as a Boy Scout, we all had to clean the dishes, and one of the small scummy scouts was not there, cue us cleaning dishes for over an hour while the adults look for the kid, well apparently the kid managed to shit you not, dig a small trench under his tent and covered the hole with his tarp, we didn’t know he was there until after it started raining and his trench was flooding. Good times.”