Kids know how to say (and lie about) the darndest things.
Corn Dog Milkshakes
I’m a nanny and this kid told me his favorite food was corn dog milkshakes. I needed to make him lunch and that’s what he wanted. When I asked what that was he gave me the most patronizing look and said its where you take a frozen corn dog and mix it in the blender with milk. It sounded disgusting and I was skeptical if he’d eat it and asked and again he rolled his eyes and said “no you drink it.” I couldn’t think of any nutritional reasons not to so I said f*ck it, and made the corn dog milkshake. In the middle of it I even considered trying it. He said it was his favorite food and his mom made it all the time. The consistency was like a smoothie, the color like pepto bismol and I can’t describe the smell. I noped out and crossed my arms to watch if he’d actually do it. He chugged it like a champ and I’ve never been more proud or disgusted. When I asked his mother about it she was absolutely horrified and denied ever having made it. Source
Layers
My son is four. I told him to go get dressed one morning. He ran away, goes to his room, comes back like a half hour later and he’s wearing about 20 T-shirts all on top of each other, so his upper body looks huge, and then has a pair of shorts on. I tried not to laugh, then he says to me, “Daddy, I put on my clothes and I have underwear on.” And he had this sly grin. Obviously, he didn’t have any on, and I don’t know what the top part was about so I said, “And how many shirt do you have on buddy?” “Just one.” So we played for a while and finally he said he needed to go to the washroom, he walks out of the room. So I walk into the hallway and it turns out he didn’t close the door, he’s got his pants around his ankles and he’s peeing (standing up, which surprised me) but I noticed no underwear too – plus his upper body looked huge, he was pretty funny to see. So I said, “Dude, you gotta close the door, especially since I saw you were lying about wearing underwear.” He said, “no daddy, I’m wearing underwear you just can’t see them.” So I said, “Sure you are” and closed the door for him. He comes back into the living room and proceeds to take off layer after layer of shirt, piling them on the floor. I was pretty much not sure what the hell he was up to but he seemed to be having fun. Anyways, he puts like 20 or 25 shirts down and finally, pulls off the second last one and a f*cking pair of underwear fall out and on the floor, and he points at them and says, “See daddy I was wearing underwear” I was dumb founded. He still lied about having only one shirt on though! Source
The Tooth Fairy
When I was around 7 I lost a tooth and put it under my pillow that night, awaiting my money from the tooth fairy. The next morning I wake up and to my horror there was no money and the tooth was still there. I knew I had been a particularly bad kid lately and figured that had had something to do with it. I had to think fast because my parents would be pissed and want to know the reason why the tooth fairy didn’t visit me. So I rush to my piggy bank and pull out a wad of change and a dollar and proceed into the living room. I walk in drop it all on the table in front of them with a smug look on my face and say “whew that tooth fairy sure was good to me last night!” The room fell silent. My parents have a worried look on their faces. They ask where the money came from. I say tooth fairy. They ask again. I start sweating… How could they know?… What kind of crazy magic is at work here between all of these higher beings and my parents. I admit that it came from my piggy bank and I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me when they found out that I was too bad a kid for a visit from the fairy. My dad says “The tooth fairy isn’t real son. And while we are on the subject neither is Santa Claus.” My world was shattered.Source
The Pokemon Fad
My son was in the first grade when the Pokemon fad started up at school. It didn’t take long for rivalries in class to begin, or the underground card trading ring. My son began encountering more and more trouble from these dealings (fighting, stealing, etc.)… so we eventually had a meeting with his teacher and some school counselors. The meeting essentially revolved around us making sure the cards stayed at home and the teachers keeping a close eye on the Pokéconomy. Starting the next day, my wife began asking my son if he had cards and then checking his book bag and pockets. After checking his person for all contraband… she ships him off to school. Literally thirty minutes later a phone call comes home… he was caught trading cards at school. When confronted by the teacher on where he got the cards… he told her he hid them in his underwear before he left the house. From that day forward my wife had to administer prison warden type searches. Update: I’ll just copy and paste my wife’s reply when I sent the screenshot of this to her…”Haha you forgot to mention that he was bragging to other children about how the card stuck to his balls.” Source
Trouble At School
When my son was about 5 he got in trouble in school for “holding another student in the bathroom”. We asked him to explain why he did this, in the most serious 5 yr old voice and giving a performance worthy of a broadway play he explained it this way: “I was trying to go to the bathroom, I reeeeaaallly had to go. I didn’t realize she was in there and I went to grab the door knob I guess just as she grabbed it trying to get out. I thought the door was stuck, and kept pulling on it, and I guess she kept pulling on it to get out. So I wasn’t holding her in, we were both trying to open the door at the same time.” It was an amazing on the fly lie, was semi plausable and delivered like a solid sociopathic pro! I was impressed. Source
Summer Camp
When my son was about 4, I spent a few weeks with him and his sister at a summer camp. We lived on the first floor of a dorm while we were there. In his little mind, everyone else who lived there had better food than I was serving – to be fair, it’s hard to cook a good dinner for 3 in a dorm room. Anyway, I fed the kids and was preparing to leave for the evening, and lo and behold, my son was gone. I went up and down all the halls, asking everyone where he was. I finally found him on the fourth floor, happily eating dinner with another family. They said he told them I had already left, and did not give him dinner before I “left.” He had evidently gone from room to room, checking out what everyone was having, and then lying his way into the best of the lot. Source
Balloon Maker
Not a parent, but a babysitter. I used to look after 4 siblings, once the little girl, age 6 (we’ll call her Debbie) came up to me one day with a balloon and asked me if I could blow it up so she could play with it. I said “sure, but you need to get me three more so your brothers can have one each too!” as I knew they’d want one as soon as they saw hers. However, Debbie didn’t want her brothers to have balloons, she wanted the fun all to herself. The rest of the conversation went like this: Debbie: I can’t get 3 more, there only is one balloon. Me: (knows the packet of balloons is in the drawer) are you sure? I thought we had a packet of balloons? Debbie: no, this isn’t from a packet… I made it. Me: you made it? Debbie: yes, I made this balloon. Me: that’s amazing! Why don’t you make some more for the boys? Debbie: I can’t. Me: why not? Debbie: I don’t have the ingredients Me: Sure, we can go out to the shop and get the ingredients. What are they? Debbie: …. mmmm it’s a secret. This conversation went on in this fashion for a good five minutes until she conceded defeat by shouting “ha!! You believed me!” Source
Not Hiding Anything
When my son was 6 he came home from school with a tear in his new pants. I asked him what happened and he said he fell in the playground and ripped them. I said, oh no how is your knee? He said, it was sore but the bruise went away. He was actually limping a little too. So I responded, gee it looks to me like your pants were cut with a pair scissors. He looked at me completely confused and said, how did YOU know? Wild guess, not to mention it was a nice clean slice. Tried really hard not to laugh. Source
Wetting The Bed
We were toilet training and my 3 year old boy had accidentally wet the bed. He was clearly upset about it so I decided to give him an out. Me: Oh no! Did I do wee in the bed?! He jumped at the chance to blame me. Kid: Yeah, it was you. You did wee in my pants.. :/ Source
Not Jesus’ Fault
When my daughter was about 5. I left a cake on the counter in a box. She woke up early and ate like half of it with her hands. When I confronted her about it. She blamed it on Jesus. I had to explain to her that it was against his character. She’s 12 now. I still tease her about it. Source
Nothing’s Wrong
Just walking past my four year old son, who was quietly playing by himself. He looks up at me and smiles, “Nothing’s wrong.”Source
“Straight face, calm voice”
I was making dinner and my 3 year old let out a blood curdling scream, so I ran to the den where him and my 5 year old daughter were playing. He’s holding his leg so I pry his little fingers off and there’s a fresh set of teeth marks. I look at my daughter and ask what happened. Straight face, calm voice “I was just laying here and bubba’s leg FELL into my open mouth, then he started crying”. I act shocked and tell her she must have “rock teeth” and we better get her to the dentist right after dinner. Her eyes got huge, then I got the boy an ice pack and went on making dinner. We finish eating I tell her to grab her shoes and I get my keys. It was about 2 seconds after I started the car when I got the truth, he wouldn’t give her the remote and started to run away she tripped him and bit his leg. She got grounded from tv for a weekend. Source
The Bite
I had a habit of biting my sister when we got into fights as kids. When I was about 8, the dentist gave me a full mold of my teeth since it was somehow defective and they needed to make a new one, so why not? I got into a small argument (not physical this time) with my sister a bit later. She took the mold and proceeded to “bite” her arm with it. She ran to our mom, crying and saying I bit her. Mom got mad at me, since she’d told me time and time again not to bite my sister. I started sobbing because I actually didn’t bite her this time, but mom wouldn’t believe me. After about 15 minutes of my denying it, my sister took out the teeth mold and said “See? It’s a perfect match!” and started cracking up. My mom just sighed. Source
Urinating
3 year old was sat on front of the tv watching cartoons. I went up to put some laundry away and when I came back down he had no pants or trousers on. There was a little puddle of urine on the floor behind him and his underwear and trousers were on the floor on front of the washing machine. I asked him who had urinated on the floor. He replied ‘it was daddy’. When I said that daddy was at work, he told me that daddy had ‘came home, wee’d on the floor and then left again’. ‘In the few minutes that I’ve been upstairs?’ *shaking his head and rolling his eyes in disapproval. ‘yes.’ Source
Cheetah In My DNA
My 4 year old told me “Daddy let me explain it to you. I have Cheetah in my DNA” when I asked why she was purring. She ran with the lie for weeks until we told her Cheetahs can’t eat ice cream or chocolate, she confessed to lying and how she would never lie again because it’s too stressful. TIL: there are people who identify as Cheetah. Source
No Deer
My 6 year old once told me only Australia has deer. We passed a deer on the way home and I asked her..”what about that one?”
Daughter: “Oh…no….that one is just a cow, pretending..They do that sometimes…” Source
Sassy
My son was about seven. After finally getting his attention I asked “Didn’t you hear me calling you?” He said “Not the first two times.” Source