What should be peoples’ happiest day of their lives is often their most stressful or dramatic. But its no surprise that trashy people have trashy weddings. These guests share the most tasteless weddings they’ve ever witnessed.
An “Explosive Wedding”
“Really old friend of my wife’s. She hadn’t seen her in years but was invited to her wedding.
The guy this chick was marrying was absolute ‘I Studied The Blade’ levels of cringe.
He was shirtless, wore black jeans, and his arms were covered in barbwire tattoos and quote that you’d find on those idiotic ‘tough guy’ skeleton memes where they point weapons at you and claim they’ll ‘mess you up if you hurt anyone I care about’ kind of nonsense.
It was quickly apparent my wife and I were the only ones in attendance that didn’t live in a trailer park and practiced normal human hygiene.
They were roasting what I thought was a suckling pig on a spit, but as it cooked, I noticed poo poo bubbling out of its butt and its stomach was swelling.
I asked his best man if this was a properly slaughtered pig, and the best man proceeds to regale me with the tale of how he and the groom got plastered the night before, climbed into a nearby farm, and stole this pig. They shot it in the head and impaled it with a long piece of rebar, which upon closer inspection was what it was turning on.
Just so happens while we were discussing the groom’s recent crime, the pig’s stomach exploded. Blood, feces, and guts poured out in enough quantities to put out the fire.
My wife and I had already given each other the ‘Yeah, time for us to GTFO of dodge’ look before this, but yeah, needless to say, we beelined for the car and left.
We later found out the cops showed up and arrested the groom and his best man once the farmer they stole from realized one of his prized pigs was missing. The groom tried to fight the cops and got tased. He made it easy for them by already being shirtless.
Wow, I Guess He Really Liked Pirates of The Caribbean…?
“I’m a wedding videographer, so I’ve seen some things, and while not necessarily trashy, one moment from a 2018 wedding stands out.
The bride’s dad gets up for his speech, where a 30 min long speech plays out recounting embarrassing memories of the bride being generally unathletic, taking soccer balls to the face, etc. Truly cringe-inducing, and the bride was very uncomfortable. He then tells the audience a story of how he used to travel for work, and at the time the bride was obsessed with Disney (Pirates of the Caribbean) and would often make up her own ‘Disney’ characters, one being a french speaking ‘bird.’ She would make personalized cards with poorly drawn Jack Sparrow & french bird characters and send them to various locations when he was away traveling for work. Cute story, but entirely inappropriate, and far too long for a wedding speech.
Finally, he raises his glass for the conclusion of his speech (thank God), and then suddenly, two D-list local actors from the local theater troupe come out from the back door of the venue. Dressed as, you guessed it, Jack Sparrow and a woman in a french hat with wings (our french bird character from earlier). They had ‘come to the wedding to deliver a card,’ but what plays out is a terribly acted story of how ‘Jack Sparrow’ had gotten tipsy on his journey to the venue, their ship had run-aground, and he ditched the french bird lady (who’s yelling in French – no one understands what she’s saying). The bride is mortified, and the groom is mouthing to the bride’s mom to get her dad off the stage.
This back and forth between Jack Sparrow and the French bird goes on for about 10 minutes, with dad as the jovial in-between mediator (thinking he’s crushing this ‘speech’ the whole time). Finally, Jack Sparrow unfurls the ‘card’ for the bride & groom, which is a giant poster with a picture of the B&G saying something along the lines of ‘best wishes.’ Everyone was stunned, and both the B&G were so upset. The father/daughter dance after was VERY uncomfortable afterward, and I got video of the entire thing.”
It’s A Wedding…Not A Roast
“I went to a fancy wedding at a beautiful venue, it was an incredible outdoor ceremony, with the reception inside a super fancy lakefront venue.
All went well until the bride’s dad stood up to give a toast. The bride’s dad, and her mother had been divorced since she was little, so for at least 25-26 years, they’ve been divorced. The bride’s side of the family is VERY well off, and with about 200 people in attendance, he essentially roasted the bride’s mother for 10-15 minutes. He was talking about how she used to shag the tennis instructor he paid for, then he went down the list naming the guys she dated after him, how she couldn’t hold a job and just used his money. The mom had her current husband there and then he turned his attention to that guy and was roasting on him for being the flavor of the week and how he won’t be around when his daughter is back from her honeymoon. He then moved on back to the mother and really laid into her again.
I mean he was off the rails, it was like a Comedy Central roast of the bride’s mom but fueled by his apparent hatred for her. I had been drinking a lot, so at first, I thought I was mishearing things, but the longer it went on I was sure I wasn’t. I have no idea how no one stopped this, but they literally let him go on until he was done uninterrupted.
He did not mention his daughter or the groom once. He just roasted his ex-wife the whole time.”
Nobody’s Getting Married Today
“Oh, I’ve got one of these, but it was a fake wedding, unknown to the guests ahead of time. Many of the details are things we found out later.
So, the wedding…
Everything felt very tense, and the groom looked like he might cry standing at the altar. The bride entered in a dress that didn’t fit properly – it had a large long skirt with a hoop, but the dress was too short and the hoop was too big, so it stays up on an angle and bounced around awkwardly as she moved.
The ceremony itself seemed quite strained, and having recently been married ourselves, the wife and I noticed that the celebrant didn’t say the specific line legally required for a wedding in Australia, and no paperwork was signed (also required in Australia).
At the reception, almost all of table one (which had bride/grooms families – turned out it was the groom’s family that left) left immediately after the reception started. Groom’s dad was meant to pay for the bar tab but did not do so before leaving. The bride and groom avoided each other apart from an incredibly awkward first dance.
They separated weeks later.
So, flashing back a bit…
The bride and groom were quite young, but the bride was several years older than the groom. They’d been dating for a while, and a lot of people in our circle of friends had been getting married. The bride was very set on marriage, and the groom proposed willingly.
As time went on, the groom was getting cold feet – he didn’t want to break up with the bride (or even necessarily to call off the engagement) but wasn’t ready to be married. The bride was not pleased and pressured the groom to continue.
Grooms parents were in very poor health at the time, and when the groom tried to say he wasn’t ready again, the bride started to harass his parents about him trying to back out. Groom foolishly agreed to go ahead with the wedding in order to stop this harassment.
The bride was still not happy with the groom’s attitude and asked the celebrant to talk to them, hoping he would talk the groom around. Celebrant, being an absolute legend (and really, just doing his job properly), refused to marry them once he was told that one party was unwilling, offering the compromise that he could officiate a commitment ceremony which is not legally binding – bride took him up on this offer but insisted on not telling anyone and pretending it was a proper wedding. (In Australia, some paperwork needs to be filed 30 days in advance, so there was no time to get an alternative celebrant, and there were evidently a lot of deposits which were not refundable so close to the event.)”
An Absolute Nightmare Wedding
“My friend group and I talk about this wedding to this day, and probably will for the rest of our lives. The bride and groom decided to do things on a very, very small budget. That’s fine! Frugal weddings and budget weddings can be beautiful and nice! There is a difference between a frugal wedding and a cheap wedding, however, and this was cheap. For instance:
– The wedding was in July. They decided to hold it in a non-air-conditioned park shelter.
– The decorations were actual trash. The bride decided that I and the other bridesmaids needed tiny top hats, which she made from discarded styrofoam cups. Mine had ants in it.
– She asked me to be the MOH. I was flattered but confused. She’d had three MOHs before me, and they all quit for various reasons, mostly baby daddy drama-related.
– She wanted live music but wouldn’t pay a pianist. My friend Stephen’s sister said she’d play the wedding march on a keyboard for 50 bucks. Said sister couldn’t actually play the piano, but she did the prerecorded wedding march song. Nobody could tell the difference because the woman in charge of baking the cake got plastered the day before and was baking the cake in the non-air-conditioned park shelter’s little kitchen while listening to the radio. Very loudly.
– The bride and groom tried to write their own vows, got in a fight over it, and didn’t tell the officiant until the day that there were no vows. Fortunately, he was on it and had backup vows ready to go.
– The bride hadn’t tried on her dress, which she’d bought from Aliexpress, until the day of. It was way too small and we had to rip out the back and safety pin in some satiny white fabric… which would have been great if the dress hadn’t been off-white. The groom made comments and it turned out that the whole dress thing was based on his mom offering to pay for the dress, then rescinding it because she had to bail out his brother. My friend, instead of going to an actual store and buying a dress, picked one off of Aliexpress.
This would have been less weird if I hadn’t been dress shopping with her like, three times because her mom wouldn’t pick out a mother of the bride dress.
– The groom’s ENTIRE FAMILY including his best man and his two groomsmen left right after the meal (spaghetti, green beans, and Mcdonald’s orange drink) was served. The ‘DJ’ (my friend Stephen and his Bose speakers) didn’t know this and tried to announce the groom’s dance with his mom… his mom had left. Apparently, his family was furious that it was a dry venue. The only member of the family left was the ring bearer… who it turns out was forgotten. We had to take him home because his family wouldn’t come to get him.
– The groom slept through the rehearsal and showed up to the wedding completely wasted.
– We had to put another friend on bouncer duty because two of the bride’s aunts tried to walk away with the cash envelope. We gave him the envelope because he was the tallest and we figured he could outrun the aunts.
– The bride’s brother was originally on envelope duty but we caught him taking a 50 out of the envelope, so we had to take it from him.
– We had to politely inform the best man he couldn’t smoke in the portajohn.
– We had portajohns instead of actual working bathrooms.
The worst, though, was the photographer. As MOH, I was informed day of that I had to keep the photographer 100 feet away from the ring bearer and flower girls at all times. He was a registered pedo offender, but also the bride’s uncle, and he volunteered to do the pictures for free, so… he ended up using a telephoto lens. Because he couldn’t get close enough to the wedding party to take the pictures.
They divorced a couple of months later after the house they were staying in burned to the ground. I have no idea to this day why they even got married.”
This Guy Knew The Cure For AIDS
“I’m so glad I can share this story again.
In my early 20s, a childhood friend’s sister was getting married. I was friendly with the family and all the siblings so I agreed to go. When I got the invitation it said on the invitation ‘no gifts please just money’. This didn’t seem like the bride. She would be fine with either. I then get contacted by the bride’s mother who tells me to get them a physical gift because the groom’s mother is planning on taking any money they get as compensation for planning the wedding.
I get to the venue which is a church but the wedding is not actually in the main part of the church. It is in the church basement. So bizarre. It looks like the setup of a high school dance. My friend whose sister is getting married tells me that her sister never got her dress altered so they had to use safety pins. They walk down the ‘aisle’ to a Metallica song playing on a boom box.
The ceremony was quick thankfully. No spirits at the wedding. Ok, it is what it is. There was sparkling 99-cent grape juice at each table. I know it was 99 cents because the stickers were left on the bottles. Bride’s mother comes over to me and said I wouldn’t eat the food. It was actually food that was supposed to be for meals on wheels and some of it was frozen leftovers of food that wasn’t used. This was the groom’s mother’s idea since she was ‘paying’ for the wedding.
I gave the bride and groom my gift. They said thank you and seemed perfectly happy with getting a physical gift. Groom’s mother comes over to me and asks me why I didn’t get the cash or a check for a gift. That it said that right on the invitation. I played dumb and said I must have missed that. She was ticked off.
Lastly, there was a guy there who took a liking to me. He was dressed in a white tank top, backward hat, and sweatpants. You know, some proper wedding attire… He told me he just got out of jail for dealing and that the bloods and the crips wanted him in their gangs. I told him that’s interesting because he’s white and I thought they didn’t usually recruit white guys.
He said they just really wanted him and that he hung out with black people all the time. He then told me that you could cure AIDS by injecting dish soap. It cleans out the blood. He asked for my phone number. I declined. Shockingly the marriage only lasted a few years. Groom has full custody of their two kids because the bride is not capable of taking care of their children. She had social services called on her multiple times.”
A Wedding…With No Chairs?!
“OMG – went to a wedding like that. I have a cousin ‘Peg’ who fancies herself to be much more high class than she actually is. So, when she got married, she ended up renting out a large house from a non-profit org in this very tony area outside of NYC (where neither she nor her fiance lived). She wanted to have a ‘classy’ event, so her wedding was just Moscato, mixed drinks at an open bar with tuxedoed bartenders passed hors d’oeuvres and a jazz band for ‘atmosphere’.
First off, my aunt is Italian so my cousin not having a full, sit-down meal was blasphemy, but my cousin and her fiance were paying for the wedding, so my aunt didn’t intervene. However, the kicker of this was there were only tall tables (like those small, high tables to be used when you’re standing) AND NO CHAIRS. The ONLY chairs in the whole venue were a couple of wingchairs in the foyer of the house.
Given that about a third of the guests were over age 65, this was a BIG problem. None of them had a place to sit and none of them was comfortable standing for a four-hour reception. Why my cousin didn’t consider this, I do not know. There were folding chairs at the house, but they were in a locked closet. So my aunt called the property manager to see if it can be unlocked to get some chairs out. Given that it’s a Sunday afternoon, about an hour into the event and it’s a non-profit that owns the house not an event management company, the property manager wasn’t answering his phone and they couldn’t get out any chairs. So, people just started leaving. Plus, the jazz band was just that, a jazz band. It was background/atmosphere type music, not get people on the dance floor music.
Quite honestly, people were BORED. So, about two hours into the reception, people started leaving in droves. My cousin was SO upset, but she just didn’t really think her plan through. Most people in both families were used to weddings with a sit-down dinner/buffet, TABLES AND CHAIRS, and a DJ to get people out on the floor for a good party. This wedding had none of it. The silver lining is they’re still married and this wedding took place in the late 80s!”
Enter The Matrix
“I went to a wedding that had a Matrix theme. The groomsmen all wore floor-length leather jackets and tiny sunglasses. The MC made a slideshow of images from the movie with the groomsmen’s faces badly photoshopped on. They insisted on calling each other ‘Neo’ and ‘Morpheus’ while high-fiving each other. It was painful.
There was a lot of tension at the wedding and it turned out that the groom had cheated on the bride a few weeks earlier but she had still decided to marry him. His family was really trashy and took the view that their son had cheated because the bride wasn’t good enough for him. The bride’s family was not trashy but ticked off that she took him back and obviously hated the groom and his lousy family. The sister was the maid of honor and her speech was very sarcastic ‘Just so glad to welcome you to the family… Greg’ but it went over the heads of the groom’s relatives. Everyone who knew the story was cringing.
The groom’s Dad was loaded. He stood up and told a long and convoluted story about a wife giving teaspoons of sugar to God which made no sense and seemed to have very rude undertones. They cut quickly to the music and the groom’s father hit the dance floor and started grinding with some woman who wasn’t his wife. His wife sees and has a fit and starts screaming at him. They won’t stop fighting so they cut the music and have the four-piece, high school band play classical music badly. It includes a squeaky clarinet.
Like a terrible foreshadowing from above, it starts pouring rain and people start trying to politely leave. The last thing I see, is the groomsmen running to their cars with their trench coats folded up over their heads to protect their tiny sunglasses, while the band plays the squeaky Matrix theme song. It was amazing.”
“Aw, Come On You Can Do Better Than That!”
“A two friends from college wedding was just awkward.
The bride sewed her own dress which was a size too big. She’s really slim and tiny so she looked like she had a very conservative satin nightgown that was a rush job.
Their first kiss was at the altar. When they finished the pastor said ‘Aww come on you can do better than that.’
During part of the ceremony, there was the parents’ blessing. Groom’s family was quick and private, really sweet. The bride’s parents were loud and they bawled while talking for 15 minutes… each.
The reception was a potluck and not enough food for those attending. The wedding colors were baby blue and lavender. A mutual friend was DJ and the mother of the bride passed him a note to read aloud to the guests. Poor guy then had to go ‘Groom, your MIL says you can pet the kitties now.’ The previous spring break mil had gotten the bride a baggy, standard-size t-shirt with kittens on it. Kittens just so happened to be about bust height.
I offered to do flowers (boutonnieres, corsages, centerpieces) but the wedding party didn’t store them as I had suggested so the next day there were wilted and really sad.
Did I mention this was a dry wedding?”
The Smelliest Wedding Ever
“I was staying at a really massive hotel about a decade ago and a group of what I can only describe as ‘rough-looking hippies’ were having a wedding reception in the ballroom. I was sitting at the bar ready to order when one of the groomsmen invited me to eat and drink. They apparently had too much food and drinks. Of course, I obliged. Free drinks and food? Why not.
When I walked in the ballroom all I could smell was body odor mixed with a hint of food. It was so hot in that room. Some of them weren’t wearing shirts (male and female alike) and almost none of them had on shoes. Only a handful of people were dressed somewhat casually…It was just humid, sweaty, and warm in there.
When I say ‘rough-looking hippies’ just picture that stereotype in your head and I kid you not that’s how most of them looked. Instead of a DJ, they had a dude on the stage with drums, bongos, a guitar, a rain stick and I’m pretty sure a digeridoo.
I didn’t want to be rude so all I grabbed was grilled asparagus and then I left as soon as the guy walked out of sight. It was so disgusting in there. The next morning I noticed they had cordoned off the ballroom area and they had a good portion of their housekeeping staff stacking trash bags into those rolling garbage bins. I felt so bad for them.”
A Very West Virginia Wedding
“This took place in my home state of West Virginia.
Firstly it involves my brother and his on-again, off-again girlfriend Crystal. They dated for about six years and she cheated on him with a large portion of our friend group. One of the guys she cheated on him with was named Mikey. Another was Philip.
My brother found out and they broke up.
Fast forward a few months later and Crystal and Mikey are getting married. We’re all friends and so we all go to the wedding and reception except for my brother for obvious reasons.
As we’re all getting plastered Crystal comes by the table and I remark that I always thought she’d be my sister-in-law someday. She said she thought so too, but my brother didn’t intervene at the wedding (which he wasn’t at) when the preacher asked if anyone had cause to object. So yeah, she only married Mikey to try and get my brother to do some grand gesture.
A bit later Philip – wasted – accidentally bumps into a young child knocking him down. The child’s father punches Philip in the face. Philip, confused and inebriated, gets into his car and drives off. Crystal starts freaking out and crying.
Mikey gets way too sloshed and starts throwing up in the bathroom. Mikey’s mom starts screaming at a very distraught Crystal to go and take care of him because ‘that’s her job now.’
Some other stuff happened but I blacked out.
I ran into Crystal a few years later outside of a Wal-Mart. She was very pregnant. She told me she and Mikey got divorced and that she got remarried but was most likely going to divorce the new guy too.
Before I deleted Facebook I remember him spamming her wall with cheesy memes about true love and commitment.
Sometimes I miss West Virginia.
In all fairness to my home state, I’ve attended some very classy weddings as well. This one just happened to be from the more stereotypical Appalachian crowd.”