For something so permanent, you would think people would think twice before they put something on their body, right? Wrong. These people thought these tattoo ideas were good at the time and it made these professional artists question their intelligence (and sanity).
He Wanted To Remember How They First Met, But This Might Be Too Far…
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“I was at a shop once while a buddy of mine was getting his tattoo done. The artist was telling us this story of a guy that came in with his girl and literally wanted a portrait of her getting assaulted by a deer. The customer said he had met his wife on a camping trip, they hadn’t really been introduced yet but she went off to pee and he heard a scream. He went to help and supposedly this deer came up behind her and had mounted her. He killed the deer and met his new wife. Unique story, but not sure that’s exactly what I would want on my leg though…
The same artist also told us about a guy who came in and wanted a portrait of himself in a mirror standing over his dead wife and child with a gun. That guy was kicked out. It was definitely an interesting town.”
“His Name Was Demontray”
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“Actual tattoo artist for 6 years, piercer for 13, so I’ve been in shops for a while. My personal sigh story is a lady who came in wanting her boyfriend’s name on her butt. I always try to talk them out of names, but at the end of the day I like paying my bills on time so if I can’t talk them out of it I will generally do it over having them walk.
So I can’t talk her out of it, or into a reasonably small size so it’ll be easier to cover if things go south – his name was Demontray (she pronounced it Dee-MON-tray). We do the tattoo and over the course of it, she explains that he’s in prison and she is waiting for him to get out. I do a good job and keep my mouth shut, people make lots of choices that I wouldn’t.
Three months later the same lady comes back and I’m thinking, ‘Oh crap, now we have to cover it.’ Nope. Demontray is mad because he can’t see the tattoo when she visits and he wants her to get another one that he can see. So this time she actually listens to me and we did a second Demontray tattoo on her chest, but this one was small with flowers and she will be able to smack a rose over it later if she needs to.”
Bullseye?
“I worked at a tattoo shop a few years ago and my friend is the owner. One day two guys come in and they’re partners. One is quite flamboyant and he requests a regulation-sized dartboard on his butt with the bullseye as his butthole. My friend tried to talk him out of it and let him know it will more than likely get infected. Of course, he still wants it and gets it. The bottom of the dartboard couldn’t be finished completely without the dude’s nuts getting buzzed on and he couldn’t go on after 2 hours of line work. We set him up an appointment for 2 weeks out but he never showed, so now there is a guy walking around out there with 3/4 of dartboard linework around his butthole.
The second is just as interesting. This guy, who I assume is a new college student in town, comes in with his buddies and tries to act all cool saying that he wants the most unique peacock (I think that was his nickname) that my friend could draw. Keep in mind that when you tell someone that works in a tattoo shop that you want something unique, you could end up with something you really don’t expect. Our sense of humor is screwed up, so my friend draws the letter ‘P’ in the shape of a veiny manhood with peacock feathers behind it. I’m hoping the kid lost a bet because he has a peacock wang on his left butt cheek now and I don’t see anyone doing that on purpose.”
“Our Jaws Dropped.”
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“A couple comes into the shop I worked at a few years back and they tell us they want to get each other’s name on their shoulder blades. Not really a big deal in this line of work, but it’s by far one of the most requested types of tattoos. We spent a good 15 or 20 minutes trying to talk them out of it, they were very adamant that that’s what they wanted. Apparently, they were getting married the following week, as well as each being deployed to different places the week after that, she to Korea, he to Afghanistan. So while they mosey around the shop, looking at some of the flash on the wall and waiting for an artist to become available; we notice that they’re whispering to each other, specifically him repeatedly saying ‘Are you sure? I mean like are you really sure about this?’ and it seemed they were having a change of heart, possibly choosing actual matching designs as opposed to each other’s names. Oh, my friends, how wrong of an assumption that was.
After the artist that was to work on them cleaned up his station and came out to talk to them, that’s when she dropped the bomb…
‘I want to get his name FIRST AND LAST in old English, ACROSS MY BACK.’
Our jaws dropped.
We all were utterly taken back by these words that had just resonated in the air, shook our heads and asked her to repeat what she just said as surely nobody could be that stupid.
Again, that was a very wrong assumption to make.
So, without much more hesitation, mainly because ‘Ok, you asked for it,’ the artist got the design ready (13″ across in two lines, this was a freaking MONSTER of a name) and got down to business, all the while the fiancé watched with a face which I can only describe as a calm but pleased disbelief. Around 4 hours later, the tattoo was done but the shop was closing. The fiancé had to schedule his for two days later, so that’s what he did.
But lo, when he came in two days later, her name is not what he requested.
No, he said he would rather have a grim reaper as he knew, the whole time, that his soon-to-be wife had been cheating on him with his brother and he decided to confront her with this knowledge only after they gotten home from her getting his full name tattooed across her back in huge, bold, uncoverable, black letters.”
“He Was Surprised Why He Couldn’t Serve In The Military”
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“A friend of mine got a Tupac Style ‘THUG LIFE’ tatted across his belly, along with neck tattoos and stuff.
He was surprised why he couldn’t he serve in the military.”
How Old Are You Again?
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“I met a guy once that had a date of birth tattooed on the back of his neck in plain view. He told me it was his brother’s date of birth. At that point I expected the story to spin into a very heartfelt sob about a deceased family member. No, this chap couldn’t decide what ink to get. He took so long that the artist suggested his date of birth, and he agreed. However, he remembered just as he was asked what his date of birth was that he was not the legal age to get a tattoo at the time. So in a panic, he gave his brother’s date of birth – I nearly hit the floor laughing when he told me.”
He Just Couldn’t Get Over Her
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“I had an ex-boyfriend get my name tattooed on his bicep after we broke up AND he was married at the time. He thought it would make me want to mess around with him, but I just lol’d and his wife kicked him out.
Not the brightest crayon in the box to get your cheating attempt permanently displayed on your body.
Anyway, a couple months later his brother tells me he got it covered up and was back with his wife. Cool.
A couple months after that he rings me up that he’s separated and we should get together. Thanks, no thanks. A few days later he texts me a picture. Yup. He got my name tattooed on him again. Nooope. This is when I got smart and changed my number. I hear again through friends he got that covered up as well.
Maybe a year or so down the road I’m dating a guy who, unbeknownst to me, was friends with this ex. Ex gets my new number and multiple days/multiple texts saga of ‘woe is me’ ensues, culminating in a picture of, once again, my name tattooed on him. I tell him to go away, change my number and dump my boyfriend (who did not even see anything wrong with this whole thing).
Another year later – Valentine’s day. Somehow this loser got my number again (small town blues y’all) and proceeds to send another multipage text of how he loves and misses me; he’s sorry he cheated, he’s a changed man, he didn’t know what he was giving up, blah blah blah…
Ends with a pic of his junk (with a ruler) and telling me he got my name tattooed again. I don’t respond, change my number and move on.
Maybe two years go by (this was a high school boyfriend). I haven’t seen him face to face in years. He Facebook messages me – it’s a new picture of my freaking name now tattooed over this idiot’s heart. Son of a gun. I blocked him. He makes a new profile, block him again – seems to be over finally.
Learned from mutual friends he finally got that covered up as well. He stopped bothering me after I got married and moved to a new state. If I never hear from him again it will be too soon.”
This Artist Was Not Proud Of This Bizarre Request
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“My artist told me that years ago some exotic dancer came in looking to have vines and roses tattooed that would come out of her butthole and curl up her back. He asks why not just get the roses on her back and butt, but she insists it must come out of her number-two spot. He reluctantly does the tattoo for a high price and said it looked pretty good too. But curiosity got the better of him after a while and he asks why she insists on having it come out of her butthole.
Her response was both the strangest and smartest reasoning I could have heard for such a tattoo. She would dance and she figured the guys would ask ‘Hey, how far does that tat go’ to which she could say ‘For ten bucks I’ll show you.’ So the dudes pay up a ten spot, she shows her butthole real fast and done deal – she’s richer and they looked at a butthole. My tattoo artist is not proud of that job.”
She Didn’t Realize Tattoos Weren’t Made For Walking
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“I was keeping a friend company. She wanted to get a wolf’s pawprint on her foot. Not the top of the foot, the bottom of it, right on the ball.
The artist and I both questioned her decision. ‘Are you sure? You won’t be able to walk on it, and even then, the ink will probably sweat out so it won’t be deep.’
She was too insistent, willing to pay, her choice, etc. About a week later, all that was left was the faintest outline.”
The Fishing Troll Had A Surprising Meaning To This Guy
“I’d been inking for about five years when this guy swaggered into the shop. I say swaggered because I could tell he’d had a bit to drink that night, enough to make him feel cocky but not enough to be completely out of it, which automatically would have gotten him kicked out of my chair. I’m not going to deal with people so out of it they aren’t in control and no one needs 10 am buyers remorse, not for something like a tattoo.
So he comes in and I can tell he’s new, so I direct him to my book of options but he doesn’t even look at it, h just sits in my chair and says, ‘I want you to draw a troll. He should be fishing using one of those plumbs to balance the line.’ ‘So you want a net?’ ‘What?’ ‘A net. A trolling net for fishing?’ ‘Ha! Is that where it comes from? Heck no, man. I want a troll, big green under the bridge troll! And make sure he’s got a plumb. That’s really important. I want it on my arm.’
I roll my eyes but start sketching a few things out. I’m halfway through outlining something and I say, ‘So, what type of fish is this troll catching?’ ‘Fish? No, man, he’s catching an alpaca!” ‘An alpaca?’ ‘Heck yeah.’ ‘In the water?’ ‘Now you’ve got it!’ ‘With his fishing pole?’ ‘Don’t forget the plumb!’ ‘How could I?’
So I sketch it out and the guy’s like going bonkers over it – he loves it. I start it up and go for an hour and get a third of the way through before we stop.
‘What are you doing?’ He asks. ‘Stopping man. Large tattoos have to go in pieces, it’ll be better for you.’ The guy slaps down $2,000 in cash and says ‘keep going.’ I stare at it, I stare at him and I keep going. ‘And don’t forget the plumb,’ he says.
So three hours later and this guy hasn’t so much as whimpered on the chair but I’m finally done. The weirdest tattoo I’d ever done but my god was it a masterpiece. The troll was an ugly pale green, the alpaca a fluffy off-white, fur glistening in the water. And the plumb, well, who could forget a thing like that.
He thanks me and walks out the door and I stop him on the street because I can’t let it go, I can’t. ‘Hey, dude, what’s up with the tattoo?’ He looks at me with these instantly sober eyes and says ‘So I never forget.’ ‘Forget what?’ I ask. ‘That alpaca plumb troll is an anagram of ‘Paul Blart Mall Cop.'”
Why Won’t This Scan?!
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“Guy wanted a barcode. Artist told him it wouldn’t actually work and that it’d be decorative only. Guy says okay. After it’s done guy pulls out his cell phone and tries to scan it. It doesn’t work. Guy is angry.”
He Told Him “Make It Good, And Surprise Me” And…
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“My father is a tattoo artist. He regularly tells a story about when he was much younger and still new in the business. Once, a man trotted in the parlor with more hair on his arms than his shiny head. The man wanted to have his bald head tattooed, with a cricket…
My father asked him how he wanted it done, and the man answered in a bawling Australian accent, ‘However you want to, mate. Make it good, and surprise me.’
So my father hesitantly began the process of tattooing a cricket on his gleaming head.
Well, when it was completed, my father pulled out a mirror and showed the man his new permanent feature. The Australian gawked, mouth drooping with horror. It turns out he had wanted something involving cricket – the sport- put onto his head. He played on a team in Australia and was in America for vacation with a few other buddies when he went to the parlor to get a tattoo.
The Australian just kind of stared at himself for a few minutes then burst out in laughter. He loved it! He paid and left with a huge smile on his face. Later that afternoon, he brought one of his buddies who wanted the exact same tattoo but on his bicep.
Turns out that the bald man had lost a bet involving a cricket game and had to get a tattoo of the game. When he came back with an actual cricket tattoo, his buddies thought it was hilarious.
My father wishes to say that those were the only crickets he ever tattooed, but people do have odd requests.”
Both These Tattoos Had “TMI” Written All Over Them
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“I knew a dude in military training who got the Mario ‘?’ block tattooed above his junk. His thought process was exactly what you think. Nice guy, but when he added Mario and Yoshi jumping towards it on his hip we all started calling it his chastity belt. And every time we introduced our class to the next instructor, I’d have the Sgt ask him about his tattoo. Got a lot of, ‘What in the world, Airman?’
Also knew a dude in basic with a pair of lips on his hip. Apparently, that’s where his girlfriend would start foreplay. You get way too comfortable with your flight/platoon/whatever-the-navy-calls-it after the first few weeks with no external social interaction.”
This Artist Decided To Remind This Couple Of The Truth
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“Had a couple come in. The guy wanted ‘Numba One’ on his left outside forearm and ‘Stunna’ on the other. The lady wanted ‘Stunna’s’ on her left arm and ‘Numba One’ on the other.
If you’re keeping tally, that’s ‘Numba One Stunna’ and ‘Stunna’s Numba One’ in this horrible self-drawn graffiti letter style.
And they were white college kids.
The other artist in the shop that night, deadpan, goes, ‘What if one of you drops to Numba Two?’
They did not end up getting tattooed that night.”
This Is What Happens When You Listen To Your Heart Instead Of Your Brain
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“I’m a tattooer, and I have two that come to mind. The first one was ‘SCREW LOVE’ across a guy’s knuckles. I guess he had just broken up with his girl and was really heated. Tried to talk him out of it, said his mind was made up, figured he might as well spend his money with me, and get it done nice. Gave him what he wanted and sent him home. The other one was on a biker girl that got ‘Property of (guy’s name)’ on her lower back. Talking huge though, literally half her back. Same deal as the last one. Might as well get it done right and might as well be the one that makes the money. Apparently, her and the guy had only been dating for two months, and she had just had a baby with another guy. Even asked her when the guy went outside to smoke if she was sure, and that she could back out if she wanted to and made sure she wasn’t getting pressured into it. She was just genuinely down for the guy, absolutely stoked to get that tattoo. Hope they’re still together cause there’s no way that giant tattoo is getting covered.”
This Artist Said, “Who Am I To Judge People?”
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“I had only been an apprentice for about a year or so. This really old lady came in, looked through loads of flash. She sees this one image of a little red devil making love to a little penguin from behind. It was in the books cause my boss found it hilarious but no one ever wanted it, which is understandable.
So she wanted that. I said no way. This went on for a while. I knew I wasn’t getting rid of her so I just told her I was busy for the next 6 weeks. Well, sure enough, one day each week she would come in, find the design and ask if I was still too busy.
This one day she came in, she started telling me how it’s on her bucket list to get a tattoo that makes people smile, and how she was lucky to have 6-months left to live. Well dang it, that’s one way to kill a buzz.
Who am I to judge people and cherry pick? I did the little tattoo for her one night. Felt weird as I didn’t wanna be taking anything outta anyone or take advantage, but she wanted it. She gave me a £20 tip.
Another story for the heck of it. I tattooed in Ibiza, Spain in 2008. A guy wanted his wife’s initials tattooed on his chest. After I done the 3 initials he kept laughing. I asked what was up. He said ‘You’d never have done that if I told you it stood for Do Not Resuscitate.’
My heart stopped – no pun intended.”
This William Shatner Fan Had The Most Bizarre Tattoo Idea
“A buddy of mine who ran his own studio once asked me to do an illustration for a strange request that a customer had. I had done a number of custom pieces, and some of them were pretty weird.
This one, though…
The guy essentially wanted a portrait of an ’60s era William Shatner ‘deep in thought.’ He also wanted a dream bubble coming out of Shatner’s head, and inside that dream bubble, he wanted the exact same portrait of William Shatner with a mustache.
Essentially William Shatner dreaming about William Shatner with a mustache. The dude wanted this engraved on his flesh. I was in awe of how beautifully stupid it was.
Being that portraiture wasn’t my strong point, I gave it to someone else. Last I had heard, the guy actually went through with it.”
That’s All He Got?
“I asked my tattoo artist about his dumbest tattoo and he said a guy once came into his shop asking for just one dot tattooed – just the tattoo gun touched to his skin.
Yes, it was a bet, and yes, he charged the guy his hourly rate of $150 for it.”
He Looked At The Tattoo Prints And Immediately Bolted Out The Door
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“A former friend of mine was a starting tattoo artist and didn’t have his own studio nor was he making enough money to rent some workspace, so he would swing by peoples houses, sterilize the working space and get to it. He had many weird stories as you not only get personal with the client, you are also in their home. This makes them feel more comfortable and you get into really weird situations.
Anyway, my favourite story: he had an appointment to go to some guy’s house and tattoo him and some of his friends. So when he gets there, the ‘house’ seems to be some crappy, eroding shed, and the guys appear to be from a foreign country as they don’t speak his language nor do they speak English. They did bring some pics to show what they wanted tattooed. So my friend takes a look at the prints and sees that they want portraits of Hitler, swastikas and other Nazi stuff. He tells them he forgot something in his car and bolts the heck out of there.”
“It’s Still The Weirdest Tattoo I’ve Done”
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“Back when I was an apprentice in Alabama, a guy came in wanting Wrangler pockets on both butt cheeks. The guys at the shop didn’t want to do it so they thought it’d be funny to pass it off to me. He ended up getting the tattoo with the Wrangler patch on one side and a ring from a pack of chew on the other. It actually turned out to be one of my better early pieces and it’s still the weirdest tattoo I’ve done.”
This Meme Turned Tattoo Would Make Anybody Laugh
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“One day I sent a meme to my best friend of Tweetie Bird dressed as a ‘hoodlum’ saying, ‘Okay dummy call the cops, I’ll mess them up too,’ just as a joke. But then a couple days later she texts me and says she is doing something in my honor. She’s already a very no regrets gal so I was kind of worried and a couple minutes later she sends me a picture of the wise words of ghetto Tweetie Bird tattooed across her butt. Not exactly what I wanted done in my name.”
This Father And Son Cop Duo Got The Most Ironic Tattoo Possible
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“Father and adult son come in for matching tattoos of Ned Kelly. This is reasonably common here in Australia as Ned is a famous outlaw and many ‘patriot’ Australians have been known to get his distinctive armour tattooed on them as he was known for sticking it to the establishment in the 1800s. During the tattoo of the son I ask what’s the occasion and the father says, ‘My son just graduated as a cop and I’m a retired cop and we wanted to celebrate.’ Amongst many is the thought that Ned Kelly is Australia’s most famous cop killer…”
He Wanted To Put Words…Where??
“Been a tattoo artist for the last 9 years, and the one that will always stand out is tattooing ‘WORDS’ on a guy’s junk. He said it was so he could put words in your mouth.”
He Did Everything He Could Do To Stop This “Fangirl” But…
“Several years ago I tattooed the words ‘Jeffrey Dahmer’ in crappy scratchy writing on a girl’s neck for her 18th birthday. She had been coming into the shop a lot with her friends as they got tattooed and talking about it; she had the letter drawn up and everything. The answer when she asked to get it was always the same: ‘No freaking way.’ When she finally turned 18 she came in with a few friends and asked again. I told her politely to go off with her shenanigans. A few minutes later her friend told her he could just tattoo it with the ‘gun’ he got off eBay at home. I made the hard choice to do the tattoo to ensure that it wouldn’t get infected or be all scarred up if she ever decided to have it removed.
It’s been circulating around the internet for several years. I still feel really bad about it, and hope she got it removed.”
This Man Wanted To Show The World How Much He Hated Them
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“I was sitting in a shop waiting for an appointment when a guy wandered in and asked if he could go first since the tattoo he wanted was small and wouldn’t take long. He was a ‘nerdy’ Asian guy wearing glasses, Dockers, and a Polo shirt – he just wanted the words ‘SCREW YOU’ written on his middle finger so people would see it when he flipped them off. No other tattoos visible that I could see. That tattoo artist argued with him saying the small size would cause the lettering to look weird and possibly smudge, but he didn’t care, he wanted to show the world he was ticked off or something. Ended up getting the tattoo and I looked at it right after it was done, artist did a good job given the small area he was working in. Right before he left he asked what it would cost to have another hand on his inside forearm also flipping the bird, tattoo artist told him to go away and he left.”
“It Was Funny At The Time.”
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“I’m a police officer in the UK. One of my colleagues was booking a young office worker into custody for some low-level shenanigans, nothing too serious.
Custody sergeant asks, ‘Do you have any tattoos?’ and the lad sheepishly admits that yes, he has a small star on his bum and the word ‘adult film star.’
Everyone goes quiet to listen in and the sergeant lifts his eyebrow for an explanation.
‘Yeah, I was in Ibiza with my mates and we all got it done’ explains the blushing reprobate, ‘It was funny at the time.’
‘To be honest mate,’ replies the officer presenting him ‘It’s funny right now.'”
This Guy Is Way Too Dedicated To His Work
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“I was getting some work done and a guy came in and got the Pepsi-cola logo tattooed on the side of his head, the size of a fist. The man is bald and a truck driver for Pepsi-cola. He was wearing a Pepsi-cola hat and a Pepsi-cola shirt. If they made Pepsi-cola sunglasses, I’m positive he would have been wearing them.”
Every Time He Told Him No, But Every Time He Did It Anyway
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“The artist who did my first tattoo told me a guy would come in for these crazy tattoos that he could never talk him out of but always did the best he could. The worst was when the guy had a literal piece of brown poop tattooed on his forearm. The best was some cartoon animal being pulled in a Roman chariot by two pieces of crispy bacon. My artist said that was his favorite tattoo he’d ever been asked to do.”