That Doesn’t Sound Like Music To My Ears
“I worked in a tattoo shop for many years. I have to say, we all had a good sense of humor, but there is one that stands out to me as being extra hilarious. He was an older, gay gentleman, who got a HUGE violin on his back from his butt crack to the back of his neck. Of course, we asked why he chose that.
He said, ‘My partner plays the violin and he wanted to be able to “play” me from behind.’
Also, when he got to the lower part of the tattoo (near the butt), he stood up, and revealed that he was wearing breakaway pants and proceeded to sit butt naked for the rest of the tattoo. The artist doing it was so uncomfortable but the rest of us were dying from laughter. It was a great day.”
This Place Should Never Have A “Bring Your Kid To Work” Day
“A tattoo artist I knew said he had an exotic dancer come in and ask for a star tattooed on her booty hole with cursive script on it saying, ‘I’m a star.’
While he was tattooing her, his wife and 7-year-old son surprised him with lunch, as an exotic dancer kneeled face down, booty up, holding her cheeks apart, getting her booty hole tattooed. Apparently, both the wife and young lady were very chill with the situation, but the tattoo artist didn’t like having to explain to his son why daddy was ‘putting his art in her butt.'”
He Wanted The Bullseye To Be WHERE?!
“I worked in a tattoo shop that my friend owns after I graduated high school.
One day, a gay couple came in and one of them said he wants a dartboard on his butt. Ok, I thought. A little odd, but ok. I didn’t really care because I wasn’t the one doing the tattoo, my friend was. Anyways, after he said he wanted a dartboard, he clarified and says he wanted it regulation sized. The initial confusion took me for a moment and I thought, ‘No.’
This dude wanted a regulation-sized dartboard on his butt with the bullseye as his butt hole.
He got it, too.”
That Tattoo Was Way Worse Than It Seemed
“I recently had a man come in and ask about getting a name covered that was tattooed right above his genitals. He brought a drawing in of a tribal dragon that he did himself. After explaining that his drawing really wouldn’t work for the area or cover it up he said, ‘I guess that spot wasn’t a great place to put my daughter’s name, huh?’ After a really awkward few moments, he left.
I didn’t end up covering it and haven’t seen him since.”
The Couple’s Request Was Too Much For Him To Handle
“I had a couple come in who appeared to be addicts. She put on lipstick and kissed a piece of paper. Her man said he wanted that tattooed on his butt. HE then put on her lipstick himself, kissed the same paper, and SHE wanted that on HER butt. My boss told me to do it. I got everything prepped and then backed out, I just couldn’t do it. They were both so nasty and scabby and high, I was scared of catching something, even with the mask and gloves and antiseptic.”
I Wouldn’t Want Him Sticking Around Either
“I was being tattooed once and this guy walked in, super strange and we could tell something was off about him. He was wanting some kind of Japanese symbol on his forehead and the shop owner asked him if had any other tattoos. The guy says no and the owner tells him he won’t do face tattoos without having other tattoos first.
This guy proceeded to just stare at us all for a solid two minutes without saying a word. Wide-eyed, like we were from outer space and told him the Earth was flat.
Then the artist said, ‘Sorry man. I can tattoo the symbol on you anywhere else but I won’t tattoo it on your face without any other ink.’
The guy continued to stare at us, said okay, slowly turned around and walked out the door. We thought he was going to come back and kill us.”
She Had A Secret Side That No One Expected
“I worked as a receptionist for six years in a popular local studio. I’m quite talkative and friendly, so I liked to chat with the clients while they were waiting for the artist to set up. A late 40 something year old conservative looking woman came in wearing her work skirt and blazer. I signed her in and got her to complete the consent form and asked what she was having. She just replied that she wanted some text on her lower back. I replied that was cool and then showed her into the room where the artist was working. I could hear the artist and client deciding on placement and that she wanted the tattoo low enough on her back so that her daughter wouldn’t see it as it was private. So it’s pretty much just above her butt crack. Fair enough, I thought. Afterwards I asked the artist what she had. The woman had the words ‘booty floozy’ tattooed in thick black script. No wonder she didn’t want her daughter to see it!
She came back a few months later to have ‘woo tramp’ tattooed on the front.”
He Stormed Out When His Baby Was Born? All Over A Tattoo??
“There was a girl who had ‘John’s Treasure Box’ tattooed right below her bikini line. Then she had a kid with her husband and after birth, the doctor turned to her husband and said, ‘Congratulations John, it’s a boy!’
The man was furious and left the room. She told the doctor that John is her ex and her tattoo is still a problem for her husband.”
At Least They Had A Good Sense Of Humor
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“My regular tattoo artist and friend messaged me one day that she tattooed a man’s genitals. I instantly had so many questions! She explained how in this long story about him getting semi hard when she put the stencil on then going totally limp the second the needle hit his wiener and how she had to stretch it out with her free hand while tattooing. Finally, I asked what he got, it was Thor’s hammer. I laughed so hard, so at least it was funny.
My coworker’s brother in law also has a tattoo down there. When he gets erect, it says Ta Da!
Moral of the story, if you’re gonna get a tattoo on your junk, at least make it funny.”
Will All Of Her Future Boyfriends Have To Have This In Common?
“My wife’s friend is a tattoo artist. She said her most memorable experience was a young woman who came in and wanted ‘Johnny’ tattooed on her chest because she loved her boyfriend so much. The boyfriend showed up at the tattoo parlor after she finished so she could show off the new tattoo, they ended up getting in a huge fight and he broke up with her.
A couple months later, the girl comes back in with a different dude for another tattoo.
She told the artist, ‘This is my boyfriend, Johnny!'”
She Tattoo’d Her Kids?
“I dated a girl once with numbers tattoo’d on her wrist. As it was highly unlikely that she had been in a concentration camp, I asked her for the story. It was her social security number. Apparently, her mother had this done to both her and her brother in case ‘they find your body but the head’s been cut off and they need to identify you.’
That family was a little messed up.
Oh and it was pretty sloppy, like prison level sloppy, so considering that and the fact that it would have been done on children, it wasn’t likely done at a professional shop.”
That Had To Hurt
“I’m not proud of this but I used to work next door to a night club and a nighttime dancer wanted zebra stripes in her private bits. Notice I didn’t say ‘on’ or ‘above’. She wanted the tattoo IN it.
I kept telling her the same things over and over. The skin there is NOT meant for that. Not only will it not look good AT ALL, it will fade VERY quickly. And it will hurt worse than anything you’ve ever experienced. But she kept upping the price more and more, and every time I said no.
So eventually I just said to heck with it and basically just annihilated this woman’s lady parts with some zebra stripes. I would’ve felt weirder about it but I’m a guy who’s tattooed about fifty male genitals in his life so it wasn’t too different.”
He Should Leave This Piece Out Of His Portfolio
“I was flipping through my tattoo artist’s portfolio as I was waiting for him to get set up to do the massive tribal piece on my arm. I got a bad tribal tattoo done a while back, and since it was pretty much unfixable, the only solution was to go over it with a bigger tribal piece.
Anyway, I’m flipping through, and turn the page to an ultra-realistic black and grey portrait of Hitler on this guys ribs. I almost drop the book.
Me: ‘Hey (artist’s name)! What the heck is up with this? You actually did this?’
Artist: ‘Well, that’s from my shop out in (rural area about two hours away). It’s a little different out there.’
Me: ‘Yeah, but… I mean you tattoo Nazis?’
Artist: ‘That’s a long-time client, and yeah he’s a Nazi, but he tips well. Anyway, the joke’s on him, because that’s not Hitler.’
Me: ‘What do you mean? It’s clearly Hitler.’
Artist: ‘Look closer.’
Me: ‘I’m not seeing it.’
Artist: ‘It’s Charlie Chaplin. Did you really think I’d tattoo Hitler on someone?’
And, yeah. It was Charlie Chaplin.”
That’s A Peculiar Sight To See
“My family’s tattoo artist once had a really normal average looking guy come into his shop. The guy looked like a bible salesman or something. He asked what and where he wanted the tattoo.
The dude drops his pants and underwear to show him. His entire bathing suit area was almost entirely covered in ink. He’s done some weird things over the years but something about that one was really awkward for him.”
Did This Cougar Come For In The Tattoo Or The Boy?
“My girlfriend’s mom came into the tattoo parlor I work at.
She wanted a giraffe… Ok. That’s cool.
She wanted it on her bikini line. I thought, ‘Ehh, ok. I’m a professional, I can do this.’
Then she said it’s because giraffes have 10 inch tongues. Now I’m thinking this is crazy.
I got the stencil ready and started prepping for the tattoo, she saw the razor and said, ‘You won’t need that, I shaved for you.’
Immediately I thought, ‘Nope. Not ok. My boss can handle this one.’
They got intimate in the office when it was over.”
Every Tattoo Parlor Needs Spell Check
WilmaVdZ/Shutterstock
“A girl I know wanted to get a tattoo of some clunky, inspirational quote that said, ‘Accept your destiny and the unknown.’
The tattoo artist drew it out for her before he tattooed it. It said, ‘Except your destiny and the unknown.’
The girl said, ‘No, no. Not “except,” the other one, it’s with an “a.”‘
The guy said, ‘Oh, right…’ and changed it. He showed her and got the okay to proceed.
He finished it and showed her the final product.
It said, ‘Axcept your destiny and the unknown.’
All of her tattoos are terrible.
He Could’ve Used A Warning Sign Instead
“I went to my shop for an appointment and when I walked into the extremely crowded shop, my tattoo artist grabbed me and told me to come outside. As soon as we got out the door, he burst into laughter. He told me to come back to his booth to grab paperwork and check out the piece he’s finishing up, but I’m absolutely not allowed to laugh.
Sitting spread eagle in a chair with one foot propped up in a chair, this extremely large woman was grinning at me pointing to her crotch (at least she had underwear on). My buddy was coloring in a ‘Caution Wet’ sign.
She also informed me that the tattooed ‘puddles’ dripping down her legs were in fact ‘female juices.’
I let out a quick, ‘Oh wow.’ Then, I had to get the heck out of the store and let out a good laugh. After she left, my buddy said it was a rough one but she paid insanely well. We still laugh about it when I see him.”
He Definitely Got His, But What About Hers?
“A couple came in to get their names tattooed on each other, I hate doing those but I informed them about the risks.
She was getting hers across her lower back and he was getting his on the stomach. I started with the guy, he’s a big dude too.
It was a large tattoo and once I was done, she said, ‘Now deal with this jerk!’ She slapped him and said, ‘This’ll teach you to cheat on me with my best friend!’ And hastily made her way out of the shop.”
Thank God He Kept His Tattoo In The Dark
“An older gentleman who was in his 70’s came in. At first glance, he didn’t look like he had tattoos. When he came in to get what he had touched up by my boss, I was confused, that is until he showed me his Grindr profile.
This man had a red and black American tribal tattoo crawling out of his butthole down his cheeks and up his back. He also proceeded to tell me he worked as a pool concierge and repeatedly got warned by employers to not pull his pants down to show off his tattoo.
I always thought my boss was joking when he said, ‘Shoot, I’m going to have to tattoo this old guy’s butthole.’ I guess I was wrong.
The guy tipped really well at least, I got $20 out of it and some good laughs.”
He Was Quite The Mystery Man
“I tattooed a customer on July 4th, 1993 and it was the first time he came in. I remember so distinctly because I was dumb to open that day at all, and then he showed up. He just wanted lines, maybe 20 in all, like on his shins, and forearms, to appear either taller or wider, depending on the spot. I told him $80, which was outrageous at the time. He agreed, peeled off 4 twenties and we went to work.
I remember when I did the last one, he just booked it. He grabbed his shoes and split before I could even spray him down or apply whatever bandages I was using in those days.
Exactly six months later, he showed up again, wearing a straw hat with no top on it, just the brim. He wanted me to add arrow points to the lines, some going in and some out. He clearly had a plan in mind. Same deal, 80 bucks, even less work. This time though, I got more info about why he was doing it, which is when I understood the whole appearing bigger thing.
He came in one more time after that, no tattoos, just to proposition me with a disciple thing. However, there was someone else in the shop who was asking questions the guy didn’t like so he took off, never to be seen again.”
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