What's worst than an actual date? A blind date. These people had no idea what they were getting themselves into and they definitely wished someone had given them a slight heads up on these weirdos.
“I Didn’t Want To Interrupt Such An Important Phone Call”
“I was set up with a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend. Let’s call the date ‘Lisa’ and let’s call the roomy’s girlfriend ‘Karen.’ I knew what she looked like so I knew there was an attraction but I had never spoken to her.
We met outside of the restaurant and Lisa was on her cell phone. I figured it must have been important but as we walked in and waited for the table she kept talking about stupid crap – clearly on the phone with a BFF about nonsense. She gets off the phone, doesn’t apologize and we get seated.
About 2 minutes later her phone rings again and it is the same ‘OMG, No Way!’ crap conversations. The waitress comes over and we order drinks while she is still on the phone and I twiddle my thumbs. The drinks come, Lisa is still on the phone. I’m 1/2 done my drink and have waved the waitress off once already because Lisa is still on the phone.
Finally about 20 minutes into it I quietly stand up, take $20 out of my wallet and walk out without saying a word. As I’m walking out I see Lisa’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her mouth open wide and her face turning red in embarrassment (all of the surrounding tables had seen what transpired and were whispering to themselves about it).
By the time I got home, my date Lisa was on the phone with Karen who was over at our house at the time. It didn’t occur to me until now that my date was probably on the phone with Karen the whole time!
Karen was mad. As soon as I walked through the door she started attacking me with ‘You are such a jerk, why would you just leave her there and not say anything!?!?’
I looked her dead in the eyes and calmly replied, ‘I didn’t want to interrupt such an important phone call’ and then walked into my room and went to bed. As I was leaving the living room I noticed the same expression on her face that Lisa had when I left the restaurant.”
He Could Barely Remember The Night, But He DID Remember He Never Wanted To See Her Again
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“We talked for a few times. The photos were small and blurry but I got the basic idea – at least enough to set up a date since she lived about 10 blocks away. She was about 24 at the time and I was 28.
We meet at a bar and while she isn’t fat, she is plumper than her profile leads on but all in all, not anywhere near as bad as some stories I’ve heard. I knew nothing was going to come of it but had nothing else to do that night so I figured I could have some drinks and hit the sack before midnight.
Almost as soon as we met, she suggests we start taking shots. This girl could drink! Over the course of a couple of hours, she probably had a half dozen shots and several mixed drinks. During the process, she liked to discuss how much she loved giving bjs and how promiscuous she was. I guess she had self-esteem issues, I dunno.
I was plastered – like blindly out of it – by the time we are ready to leave. I don’t remember going to my apartment but I remember we ended up on my couch with a movie on as I faded in and out of consciousness and she raided my drink cabinet.
What happens next would have landed me in jail if the roles were reversed:
First, I wake up to her on my lap. She is sitting facing away from me, grinding (still dressed) against my jeans and stumbling about during the process, then things go black again.
I wake up again and this time it is to a bj, then things go black again.
I wake up again and now she is fooling around with me with no protection. I remember being totally freaked out by that, but not as freaked out as when she removed her bra and a dusting of dead skin fell out of the cups and onto my black shirt. I literally threw her off of me as I stood up and ran to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles, puking my guts out into the toilet.
When I got back from the bathroom I was slightly sobered up and she was sitting on the couch touching herself. She asked if we could finish messing around and I said no. I honestly don’t remember much else as I passed out again.
When I woke up the next morning she was gone and I never replied to another one of her text or OKCupid messages again.”
Miss Perfect Was Anything But
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“Several years ago, I went through a period of pretty low self-esteem. I had just gotten out of the military and had a five-year-long relationship end on bad terms. I was adrift in life, and women could smell it on me. It was like I had a phantasmal neon sign above my head that read ‘Mid-twenties male. Brash, annoying, desperate, clingy.’ There was no love out there for your faithful scribe.
I did what every idiot does at that point, which was to convince myself that if I could just get the right girl, everything would look up. I turned to eHarmony to remedy this unfortunate situation.
After the month-long vetting process, I finally arranged a date. The girl was a Mary Kay salesperson (makeup ladies are hot, right?) and seemed to be about where I was in life. I drove over to her apartment to take her to dinner, visions of meeting my future wife playing in my head. I just knew that this would be The One – we were going to become a team and pull each other out of our collective funks, building each other’s self-esteem. Together, we were going to conquer the world.
I pulled up outside her building in the rain and called her. After she said she was coming out, I began watching for her. I am a gentleman and always open the door for a lady, but I wanted to stay in my warm dry truck as long as possible. After several false alarms, I heard a knock on my passenger side door. My finely tuned jungle sense had somehow missed the future love of my life walking across the parking lot.
I sprung into action, much chagrined. Had I messed up her first impression already? I hopped out and went around to the passenger side door. The creature I beheld was nothing like the one that had danced in my mind on the trip over. There were no long, lean thighs. There was no feminine jawline, no perfect (but tastefully concealed) chest pushing through a sheer (but tasteful, you see) blouse. Absent were soulful (but glinting with subtle mischief) eyes.
I was looking at a human tub of crap. This poor girl had let herself go to the point of repulsiveness. She had two and a half chins, a pannus that hung to her knock-knees, and tiny, beady eyes that were permanently squinting due to the oppressive weight of facial fat. Dear Reader, I believe I actually took several steps back.
‘Hi! I’m so excited to meet you. Where are we going to eat?’
My mind raced. I had reservations at a five-star restaurant. I was prepared to invest three or four hundred dollars on dinner with the vision in my head. There is no sense skimping on the woman who was to be my salvation, I had reasoned. But this? Heck no.
‘I figured we could head over to The Macaroni Grill. They have pretty good food, I guess.’
Quick thinking, right? Smooth, too. Not smooth or quick enough to back out of this date, though. I was bullied into opening the truck door by social convention, and my inability to be a total jerk to an obese girl.
Have you ever seen films of the paratroopers getting on planes prior to jumping into Normandy? Burdened by a hundred pounds of gear and parachute, those brave men struggled up the ladders into DC-3s, teetering on the threshold until they got a helpful shove from the man behind them. Watching this woman get into my truck was quite similar. She huffed and puffed, quivered and jiggled, and finally slopped herself into the passenger’s seat. My huge Dodge truck with a 3/4 ton suspension groaned. When I got back on my side, I swear my truck had a ten-degree list to starboard.
Walking into the restaurant with her, I was as embarrassed as I had been ever since a very unfortunate incident in fourth grade. The men cast pitying looks at me, and the women were not much better. The servers looked at her greedily, knowing there was an economic opportunity in a woman who obviously ate so much.
Dinner conversation was uncomfortable until I struck upon an idea. I asked about her past relationships. If I wasn’t going to get to know the future Mrs. Savage Henry, I could at least do anthropological research into the kind of man who sought a woman such as this. She was emboldened by my seeming interest in her.
‘Oh, I don’t date a lot. I was seeing this guy for awhile, but he cheated on me and gave me an STD.’
‘Oh..An STD? So…uh…what did you get?’ Like she had won a raffle or grab bag or something.
‘I have warts. Don’t worry, though – I get them frozen off and you won’t catch anything. We can still fool around.’
‘….’
‘I hope we do fool around later. I’m having a really good time with you. I promise it will be great.’ The last part was said with what I assume was a conspiratorial wink, but it looked like some adipose triggered facial tic.
‘Okay.’ I said.
That was the final blow for me. At that point in my life, I might have sunk so low as to use this poor creature for an intimate moment, but the thought of warts on my unit put the kibosh on that. We sped through dinner, her surely thinking I was excited by the promise of wading through folds of Limburger scented chub in search of her diseased lady parts, and me wishing for an ejection seat instead of a booth.
When we pulled up in front of her apartment building after dinner, I made the usual excuses about being tired and having to work early in the morning.
‘You’ll call me, right?’
I envisioned her very own phantasmal neon sign spinning over her head. It read ‘Female, mid-twenties. Fat, boring, desperate, and a PERMANENT FREAKING STD.’
I went home, deleted her number, and drank half a bottle.”
He Tried ‘The Naked Man’ Technique And She Wasn’t Having It
“I met a couple through a mutual friend and we hang out for a bit one night, have a decent time. I spend a couple days afterward texting back and forth with the wife of the couple, thinking hey, new friend. She eventually starts talking up this friend of hers, Gary, and it is clear she wants to set us up on a date. Okay, I think, I’m newly single again after 5 years of a bad relationship, we’ll see how this goes. She describes him as ‘football player build’ – not being a sports person, it does not occur to me I should have asked her to clarify (would he be a quarterback or lineman, for instance).
Anyhow, I meet Gary for coffee downtown. Suffice it to say he is a substantial man. But I think hey, I’m not perfect either, I’ll give him a shot. We have an okay time over coffee, talking about regular random small talk topics. He walks me back to my place, but the night is still young and he suggests hanging out and watching some Futurama. So I invite him up. As soon as we are sitting down, he starts talking about his ex and all the drama she brought into his life, and it slowly comes to light that they may not be actually broken up, he is just ‘seeing what else is out there.’ Hrm. At this point I’m more than over the date and am ready for him to get out of my apartment – so I go to the restroom and plan on feigning illness upon my return.
Turns out he gave me an even better excuse to give him the heave-ho: I return from the bathroom only to find him on my couch, tugging at his junk furiously. I freak out, ask him what he is doing, and he says, ‘What does it look like?’ and makes a motion for me to come join him. I was kind of at a loss at this point and I think all I did was say something about how he needs to leave – he removes his hand from inside his pants (did I mention he was wearing sweatpants? ick), shrugs, and exits. I never heard from him OR the woman who introduced me to him again.”
He Almost Got Tackled After Being Caught In The Act
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“So I was going to school in New Jersey. The school that I was attending had about a 15:1 guy to girl ratio, so you can imagine how much fun THOSE parties were. So getting pretty desperate for female attention, I turned my sights to a couple of online dating sites. After a few weeks, I set my sites on one girl that I had talked to a few times through the site. We decide to get together after quite a bit of flirting.
I should mention at this point that I was aware from the beginning that she had 3 kids. I took caution to this but figured to just take this as a sign that she was intimately active. I should also mention that the town I was living in New Jersey was a crap hole that didn’t house a single attractive or even moderately attractive woman within a 30-mile radius.
So I drive about 30 minutes to this bar in her hometown the next Friday to meet her. I run into her almost immediately. I assess the situation. We have quite a few drinks while chillin’, playing shuffleboard, talking to her ex-lesbian lover (another story). We decide to leave the bar a few hours later. She suggests going back to the apartment, which I assume is hers (more to come on that). Before we do though, she grabs a 12-pack from the bar’s cooler and tells me to walk, like this a normal thing in this crap hole that is Bloomington, New Jersey.
We get to THE apartment and start drinking. Conversation dies down pretty quick, so I just throw it out there, being that I am wasted, ‘Wanna fool around?’ Not the classiest moment of my life, but it worked so I’m not embarrassed about it. She takes me by the hand and goes to the bedroom. She takes off her pants, I take off mine, and we start going at it. A few minutes in, we hear the front door open. Immediately, she tells me to stop and pretend I’m sleeping. I’m all ‘What the heck?’ The door to the room opens, and the light turns on. All I can hear is ‘OH WHAT THE…’ I peak over my shoulder and see a girl and a very large guy standing in the doorway looking shocked. The guy is freaking out, and the girl is trying to calm him down, telling him it’s ok. I’m dead. I know it. This is how my life is going to end. The only thing that saves me is when he takes the girl and throws her to the ground. This ticks her off more than I have ever seen another person mad, and he immediately starts apologizing to her as they leave the room. I jump out of bed, throw my pants back on and sprint out the door.
I later find out that it was her sister’s place and her room, and she was living with her boyfriend – a boyfriend who very well could play linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. Scariest moment of my life, and worst blind date experience.”
She Was Using Their Date As Her Chance At A Getaway
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“So this goes back nearly 10 years ago, I’m at this house party getting really wasted and a friend of a friend gets on the topic of video games and gamer chicks. I tell them that a gamer chick is only a myth, and most women play puzzle games like Tetris or super puzzle fighter but I’ve never seen a hardcore gamer chick that plays serious titles, like Quake (Yeah that’s not making this discussion feel old!)
So this guy brings up this girl he knows through work (EB games) named Andrea. He claims that this girl can whoop my butt on any title. He makes a few calls on his landline and gets hold of her and we set up a LAN party the next day with a few people. I swing by her place dragging my apple desktop machine with starcraft, MOH, quake, and a few other titles.
I have a nasty habit of arriving too early to events. I was about to knock on the door when this girl opens the door quickly as if she was in a rush to get out of the house. Our eyes connect, I introduce myself, ‘Oh hey I’m so and so, you must be Andrea.’ We start to talk for a bit as we walk back to my car to get my computer. She sounds a bit excitable and walks quickly to the car. As I walk to the back of the car to get my gear she gets into the passenger seat. I’m a bit confused why she is getting into the car, and I say simply ‘What’s up?’ She buckles her seatbelt as she looks at me and says ‘I’m freaking starving, let’s get outta this place.’ I said, ‘What about everyone else, they should be here soon.’ She explained it was nothing to worry about, the door was unlocked and her sister was there.
I nod and ask what she wanted to eat, she points me to a Chinese place a few blocks away. It was a nice sit-down restaurant and I was a bit confused if this was supposed to be a blind date or just a chance to hang out. But she is pretty cute and I like Chinese so I’m not going to say anything. I toss my jacket on the back of the chair and we put our order in. Something does not seem right about her, she seems really jumpy, perhaps she is nervous cause this thing turned into a date, or so I think. Right after we put our order for appetizers in my phone rings. I look at the number and it’s the guy I was talking to yesterday at the party.
I excuse myself from the table and say I have to hit the bathroom to wash my hands. I return his call, he asked me where I was. I explained that I was out to dinner with Andrea at the Chinese place a few blocks away, and we should be back in a bit. He says, ‘Take your time, we are coming over now.’ I’m a bit disappointed, I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and I tell him, ‘Do you mind if we have dinner together, she seems pretty nice, it’s kinda turned into a date thing and…’ my friend cuts me off and says ‘Don’t’ freaking leave the restaurant, we’ll be over in two minutes,’ and hung up on me. I’m going back and forth between ticked off and confused, and as I walk back to the table I see the fried springs rolls have arrived. But Andrea is gone, and so is her purse, and my jacket which held my wallet. I’m asking the waiters where she is and I walk outside where it’s about 10°F to see my car has been stolen. I’m frantically calling 911 and on the 2nd ring 3 squad cars pull up into the parking lot with lights and sirens. They pull in and see me shivering. They ask if I’m so and so_. _I’m still lost how they would know my name, they ask where Andrea is, I tell them I don’t know I think she just stole my parents’ minivan loaded with my computer gear. As I’m telling them the make and model, my friend pulls up with this chick. He introduces me, this is Andrea. Andrea informs me that I have already met her twin sister Adriana.
Both she and the cops fill me in. Andrea played a prank on Adriana by swapping their mother’s recently used (positive) pregnancy test with Adriana’s (negative) test to get even for the previous week where she gave her ex-boyfriend a good time.
So Adriana torched her sister’s car (where the said fooling around took place) and decided to run away. Good timing on my behalf to get there early and help her get away.
So I head back to Adriana’s while the cops go looking for the car, and we hang out and play Super Puzzle Fighter and I get my butt handed to me. After about two hours the cops call us to say the car has been found and Adriana is currently under arrest and want to know if I want to press charges. There is no damage to the car and she barely used any fuel also I did not want my folks to know about it. Adriana’s father was a judge and they were quite lenient with her. I kept my distance from that family after that.”
Once He Started Talking About His Beliefs, Things Went Downhill From There
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“I went on a blind date two years ago with a guy one of my good friends set me up with. He just started university at USC and was majoring in Political Science. I thought he sounded pretty smart from what my friend told me and agreed. We met at Laguna Beach and had dinner at The Greeter’s Restaurant, which is this cute little place that doesn’t have the best decor, but has good food with large portions.
It was fine at first because he was cute and we had some things in common, like music and traveling. It wasn’t until he started mentioning that he was a die-hard Republican and did not support gay marriage and abortions and IVF babies. I’m an IVF baby, and it’s a sore subject because my mom tried so hard to have a baby with my dad and it wasn’t until she tried IVF that she had me. Stupidly, I asked him what did he have against IVF babies. He immediately spews on and on that IVF babies are nothing more than objects of status to their parents, that it violates the rights of the child, depriving them of their true relationship with their parents and can hinder the maturing of the personality, etc.
By this point, I was done with the date and just nodded along to whatever he said. After he paid the check, he drove me home and walked me to the front door. I unlocked it and then turned around to say goodnight when he leaned in with his tongue already out. I didn’t know what to do so I tilted my head so he would hit my cheek. Worst feeling ever of tongue licking your face. When I went inside, he looked at me shocked and asked if I was going to invite him in. When I told him no, he got pissed and said that ‘I paid for your freaking dinner!’ By then, I just wanted to drink a bottle by myself, so I took $10 out of my wallet, threw it in his face and closed the door.
Worst blind date ever.”
“Good, She’s His Problem Now”
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“I met someone online we began chatting every few days, just kind of getting to know each other, or so I thought. She said she had just moved to the area, was staying with an old family friend but didn’t really know many people, so I suggested we go out to this little hookah bar that was about halfway between our respective places.
8 pm rolls around and I pull up in front of her place, a townhouse in a nice neighborhood. She was already waiting outside, which struck me as odd, but I figured maybe she felt like a smoke before leaving. She looked exactly like she did in her pictures – about 5′ 8″, maybe 120 lbs, long (dyed) blond hair, a few facial piercings – not exactly my type, but not bad to look at either.
I get out, introduce myself and open the door for her and we’re off. Turns out we have similar taste in music, so the ride over to the bar was pleasant enough. I hadn’t been there in years and was unaware they had hired a DJ to spin on Friday nights. You could barely hear a thing inside, so we chose to sit out on the tiny patio. We order drinks, she chose a shisha flavor and we continue chatting.
This, my friends, is where things begin to go downhill. She asked about my profession (reporter), so naturally, I asked about hers, to which she replied ‘I’ve had the same job for about 3 years. Taking care of my kids.’
Children. This was an interesting development in that she had never mentioned being a mother in our previous conversations. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kids, but at the same time, I’m not looking to get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children, just a little young for that.
Having broached that particular subject, she begins to tell me, at length, about the father. Abusive, never around, with substance abuse problems she apparently shared. I’ve tried my fair share of wicked stuff, but these were hard illegal substances she was talking about. Things continue to spiral south, and I quickly realize that this particular individual is likely suffering from some serious mental, or relationship issues. We finish our drinks and head back to my car, when she drops the line that sends me running for the hills.
‘I’m not gonna sleep with you tonight, but I’ll probably get wasted and screw you sometime soon.’
I’m now officially ready to put an end to this travesty of a date, but having never had any experience with blind dates, I was not entirely sure how to go about wrapping things up. It’s still fairly early, maybe 10 pm or so, and she is making it clear she would like to continue the evening. I’m racking my brain trying to figure something out when it hits me: The Twins.
The Twins were an interesting pair, either the cheeriest individuals you could ever hope to meet or at each others’ throats, depending on when you happened to run into them. They liked to party and had a small house across town that I tended to frequent. I hadn’t been to their place in a bit, so I gave them a ring and asked if I could bring someone over. Thankfully they were in an amicable mood and invited us both over.
Now I’d mentioned I hadn’t been to The Twins place in some time, so the fact that they had acquired a new roommate who was sleeping in the unfinished basement wasn’t known to me. We arrive, and one of The Twins suggests giving her the grand tour. Eventually, we make our way to the basement, when lo and behold, another one of her apparently numerous ex’s is stretched out across a bare mattress on the floor.
This is the moment I knew I was saved: Before the guy even has a chance to get up, she dashes across the room, throws herself on the bed and starts hugging him, saying how much she missed him. My friend gives me a look of concern, being currently unaware that the chick is freaking crazy. I grin and whispered under my breath, ‘Good, she’s his problem now.'”