They Got A Little Carried Away
“You know how the groom gets the garter off the bride? Now imagine being in a room with family, friends, and coworkers and watching the bride give the groom a lap dance while he removes the garter with his teeth while that romantic ballad, ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me,’ blasts from the speakers.
During the dance, the groom was sitting on the chair, the bride was facing him, straddling him while still standing. While wiggling around, he lifted her dress and put his head under there. He definitely used his teeth. Once he lifted the dress, he put his hands back down on either side of his legs. It was actually kind of impressive that he did it with his teeth, but everyone saw was his head bobbing around under her dress.
From what I later heard – they didn’t plan for the dance to be so suggestive. They were both a little wasted and hadn’t practiced how it would look with his head under her dress. He also wasn’t supposed to use his teeth which took much longer than they expected.
That was probably not a good way for her to tell her parents that she put herself through college working at an exotic club. Or for him to tell his parents he met the bride at the club.”
“They Looked Like They Were Part Of A White Trash Carnival”
“My ex-father-in-law married a woman who was much younger than him. It was a fancy wedding and they went all out on the location, the decorations, and his new bride’s wedding dress. He spent a ton of money and it was beautiful.
Several members from his side of the family showed up in jeans, and not nice jeans. They were wearing torn, dirty, frayed jeans and tee shirts. His own sister showed up in a tank top and jean cut off shorts. And she forgot to bring her teeth. Half of the wedding guests looked like they were part of a white trash carnival.
They pretty much all got wasted and terrorized this beautiful expensive venue.”
What Happens When You Double-Book
“I was there to film it. The wedding was taking place in the backyard of the father of the bride’s house. I show up and the father is in a wife beater and holding a drink and joking with everyone who arrives that he guess he should get ready. This was just the beginning.
Apparently, he also had an annual event at his house every year called Crapperfest. Since his daughter was getting married why not just combine the two and save some money? Crapperfest even had their own shirts with a big outhouse as their logo.
It had rained the night before and during the ceremony, the bride’s wedding party had trouble making it up the slight hill as their heels kept sinking into the dirt.
About five minutes into the ceremony, we heard motorcycles approaching. They were in the distance at first but then completely overpowering. You could no longer hear the ceremony. It sounded like there was a large group of motorcycles in the front yard…because there were. They had arrived for Crapperfest and were waiting for the wedding to end so they could party.
This was the first wedding I ever filmed…I don’t film weddings anymore.”
It Was Over Before It Even Started
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“My father went to a wedding of a distant relative, but I don’t recall whether he was related to the bride or groom. The ceremony went off fine, everybody drove over to the reception hall for dinner and drinks, and drinks and more drinks. The crowd was getting rowdy and the groom was already wasted by the end of dinner. The bride was visibly annoyed at her husband’s antics through the first dance, but things settled down as people danced to the first set.
During the band’s break, the bride and groom went up to cut the wedding cake. They held the knife together, but the groom ended up cutting a comically huge piece. As the bride went to feed her husband a bite of cake, he did the same… only as she opened her mouth, he slammed the cake into her face and erupted in laughter.
The bride immediately swung and landed a solid punch to his face. This sobered up the groom and he responded by picking up a layer of the cake and smashing it over the bride’s head. About that time, the father of the bride and the bride’s brother got to the groom, threw him down, and started beating the crap out of him. The best man got involved in the groom’s defense and then all mayhem broke out throughout the hall.
It was a full-on melee as various relatives and friends started brawling as others ran for the doors. My dad got out quickly but watched from across the street while waiting for a cab. The sheriff showed up, broke up the fight and got the bride’s and groom’s sides separated and calmed down. A couple ambulances came. Thankfully no one died but I think the concussed groom had to get a number of stitches and the father of the bride had to be taken to the hospital for observation for chest pains, alongside a few more assorted injuries.
The minister was happy to shred the marriage license instead of turning it in and I don’t believe they’ve talked since.”
Back To Where It All Started
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“I went with a former girlfriend to her half sister’s wedding. The couple getting married had a kid when they were still in high school, then they split up and both had kids with other people before getting back together. He proposed to her because she caught him cheating.
The wedding was at a dog park because the first place they hooked up was that park before they fenced it in to make it a no-leash dog park. There were no chairs or decorations because the town wouldn’t give them a permit to use the park. It smelled of dog crap, the ground was muddy, and the officiant of the wedding was the lead singer of a local hair metal cover band. He tried to sing the ceremony like a ballad but it was obviously just ad-libbed. Most of the people were wasted.
The reception was a block away at a fire hall. The officiant’s band was playing. There were tubs filled with Milwaukee’s Best and some plastic tubs filled with jungle juice. Lots of parents were letting their very young children drink. The bride did a dollar dance and guys were actually slipping cash into her bra and copping a feel. One of the bridesmaids went with three guys into a back room and came back with her makeup smeared and a filthy dress. The groom was so hammered that he kept trying to pull the bride’s dress off in front of everyone. One of the guys who went into the back with a bridesmaid got into a slap fight with his wife. The cops showed up because two guys decided to have a drag race in front of the fire hall and one of them lost control and smacked into a parked car.
When the cops showed up, it somehow got trashier. A woman started arguing with the cops, used few racial slurs, then spat at one cop and ended up forcibly detained. While she was being held down, she started urinating on herself. Then a guy threw a drink at the cops. It was at this point it went from a hilarious train wreck to ‘this could get us killed’ and we left.
We heard later that more cops showed up and multiple people were arrested.”
The Groom Had Something He Wanted To Share…
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“I used to be a cake decorator. I did this for 14 years. I made all kinds of cakes, including wedding cakes.
Wedding cakes were considered a big deal with my employer and insisted that I stay for the wedding and or the reception, depending on where the cake was. In 14 years, I averaged out to 35 wedding cakes a year, so about 490 wedding events, of those I’d say about half were wedding/reception combinations.
Surprisingly, I have never heard anyone speak up during the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ bit. Well, until the time I made a cake for a spring wedding.
The original plans called for an outside wedding but weather brought us indoors. Other than the weather, the wedding was proceeding as expected and we were at the point where the religious figure was asking the groom the ‘do you take whatever to be your lawfully wedded blah blah blah.’
The groom said, ‘No.’
The crowd went into gasp, mumble and whisper mode. Nice, I thought, something different. The groom looked towards the back of the room and gave a hand signal to someone near the lights. The place went black and a flashlight came on which the groom was using it to fiddle with an AV cart with one of those older projection units that could project onto a wall or screen. The thing came to life and the groom, the bride, and the bride’s family were all lit up in the beam of the projector.
The groom announced that what we were about to see was filmed the night before the wedding. He walked over to the machine and pressed play. Immediately the room was filled with the moanings, groanings, slapping, and slurping sounds of two people going at it, and as the projector finally focused, we saw the bridge going at it with the best man superimposed over the bride and her family.
I watched as the bridal party was shocked into complete silence and motionless. The video played for a good 45 seconds to a minute before any of them showed any reaction. The bride crumpled to the ground crying, and the mom and dad pried her off the floor and walked her out. The place was still dark as night except for the front.
I always stand at the back for a quick exit (you learn after the first three or so where to hang out for a quick escape). When I decided it was time to go, I applauded and then left. I never did find out what happened after that, but I am happy I got to see that happen.”
Way To Class It Up, Mom
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“At my sister’s wedding, the groom’s mom performed the ceremony, decked out in a crazy black dress with a slit just about up to her lady bits, rocking some serious fishnet stockings. She gave a long ‘sermon’ about marriage and the whole thing was insane. The best part of it was when she was talking about cheating in a marriage, and how the bride should handle it. She essentially said her son would cheat, but don’t worry, because ‘I’ve got your back.’
She was talking about how she’d yell at her son, and that my sister could be mad, but should ultimately forgive him. Her husband had just been caught cheating on her, so everything she was saying was basically directed at him.
Once the ceremony was over, she stepped in front of the newly married couple, spread her arms wide for her adoring crowd, and walked in front of my sister and her husband as they left the ceremony. The photographer couldn’t even get a decent picture because the groom’s mom was blocking them.
Then, this crazy woman changed into a white dress for the reception and kept yelling, ‘That’s my baby boy,’ over and over as we all watched a picture video of the couple. So glad we had a few drinks before the wedding.”
And They Thought The Location Was Going To Be The Trashy Part
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“The reception was held at a gentlemen’s club.
But wait, that’s not the trashy part.
The place was owned by the groom’s brother and closed for a complete remodel anyway. Aside from the sign out front that said ‘Shakers,’ I honestly would have believed I was in a higher-end restaurant. No poles in sight. Great table linens and pricey fixtures. The servers, who wore rented tuxedos, were all male. The groom’s brother had borrowed most of the staff from his other club, an establishment for ladies.
The first bit of trashiness was the bride’s cousin. She’d been told that she could bring a date to the wedding and reception, but not her four children. She didn’t listen and brought the kids to the wedding, where they snuck in noisily through a side door once the service had started.
The joke was on her when they hit the reception. Three burly bouncers stopped and removed her. She spent the next two hours sitting shoe-less on the sidewalk with her kids, drinking out of her purse, and loudly yelling about the bride to anyone that passed while she ruined her mascara and waited for her ride.
The worst bit? After the first hour, she went back to the bouncers and asked them to watch her kids while she went down the street for more drinks.
The second instance of trashiness involved one of the groom’s male employees and one of the servers.
As the reception was winding down, the two were found having getting it on nude in the walk-in. They were apparently making enough noise that a bartender and two guests went to check. Surprisingly, neither of them got fired on the spot.
The server got it the next day when he returned his tux. The jacket had been thrown in a sink full of sanitizer and was ruined, so the rental place wanted big bucks.
The employee got his a couple weeks later. He posted some Polaroids at work of his new boyfriend, one of which had suspiciously bare subjects and a frosty Sysco label visible in it.
The worst bit? He tried to argue that he’d only been fired because he was gay.”
Way To Steal Someone’s Thunder
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“Someone proposed during the wedding of someone I knew. It was a friend of a friend, but when I was told that one, I was just amazed. I mean, that’s not your day. I get you want to join in with the wedding stuff and excitement, but that day is about the bride and groom!
The person proposing did not have permission from the bride or groom, and they were angry since the wedding turned into an engagement party practically because the new fiances made it all about themselves.”
When You Can’t Keep Up With The Priest
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“I went the wedding of a good friend’s sister and it happened to be a Polish ceremony. The (Polish) priest turned up and looked like something constructed in a shipyard. He was absolutely gargantuan: about 6-foot-6-inches, massive across the shoulders, barrel-chested, huge beard, voice like a foghorn. Just a huge, huge man.
The groom (also Polish) decided he wanted a drink with the priest before the ceremony. Obviously, the priest was happy to go along with this because he looked like the sort of person who’d just eat the bottle rather than drink the contents anyway. I cannot emphasize enough the difference in stature between this guy and the groom: they might as well have been a different species. Groom was a vaguely foppish-looking, little skinny dude. The priest was a man-mountain.
You can guess the outcome. Priest Guy laughed his way through shot after shot of this lethal Polish Krupnik while the groom gamely matched him drink-for-drink.
Up to a point.
After a while, Father Humongous just got up and confidently strode off to do whatever priests do before a wedding, but the groom at this point was… not well. We were following him up the stairs to the actual chapel, and he made it to the door, caught sight of the huge number of people including his bride, turned as white as a sheet, spun around, and threw up absolutely everywhere. I mean projectile vomiting back down the hallway and onto the stairs. All over himself, all over everything. He then collapsed. We had to basically carry him back downstairs and put him in a chair, at which point he continued noisily vomiting while – I assume – the guests slowly realized what had taken place.
The ceremony finally took place about two hours later. He says he doesn’t remember it at all. His wife was… not pleased. They are still married though. So that’s, uh, something?
The priest was stone-cold sober throughout. Didn’t even touch the sides of the man. I’ve never seen anything like it.
The two of them nailed a whole liter. There were endless boxes of the stuff. I vaguely remember sitting in the sort of dressing room area at about midnight wearing a crappy £20 hoodie over the top of my nice dress and drinking straight from a bottle of white. It didn’t have to go down that way, but it did, and I wasn’t even the one getting married.
It was a great wedding, but the hangover lasted about three days. I was crying at TV commercials that featured cute animals by the next day. Poland came to London and broke me. To this day, it is the barometer of exactly how wasted it’s possible to get and still make it home alive. I gather the marriage was not, well, ‘consummated’ in the traditional manner. How could it have been? Frankly, I’m just glad nobody actually died.”
You Wouldn’t Want To Catch This Bouquet
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“I assisted with an overdose at a wedding once. The 911 call came in for an unconscious/unresponsive person in the ladies locker room at a golf club that did wedding banquets and ceremonies in the garden area.
We entered the ladies room and found most of the wedding party in various stages of overdosing. All said and done, we transported eight patients to the hospital; one was dead on arrival.
The uncle (the D.O.A.) had made up the substances used and made these ‘speedballs.’ He didn’t know that both of the substances in the combination were cut with fentynal. I actually ran out of Narcan and needed a second bus to truck more out to me and take survivors.
The trashy part you ask? I heard from one of the detectives that the wedding party had taken pictures the prior day and insisted on one photo showing off their track marks. I never saw the photo but can only imagine.
My EMT helped clean up the mess said they even found a needle in the bouquet.”
This Best Man Took His Duties A Little Too Far
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“My mom went to the wedding of one of her guy friends, I think in the late 80s. I’ll call them Charles and Linda. Well, somehow, during the reception, Linda and one of the groomsmen – I’ll call him Tom – snuck away and had a quickie. At the wedding. I have no idea how messed up people needed to be in order to not notice that the bride was missing for a longer than average bathroom break – especially Charles!
From what I understand, they were married for three years. I don’t know if the story gained notoriety before or after the divorce – or how people found out about it. I just know last year, my mom was on speaker phone with one of her oldest friends – I was in another area of the house, but could still hear everything – and the friend was talking about reconnecting with Tom online and saying she might hang out and catch up with him the next time she visited her parents. Then she asked my mom if she’d join them.
My mom was basically like, ‘No offense, but no! Tom’s a jerk! He’s always been a jerk! Remember when he pushed me in the pool and I had that dress on? He never apologized! And remember when he hooked up with Linda at her and Charles’ wedding?’
There were a couple of seconds of silence on the other end before my mom’s friend said, ‘Wow. I remember the pool, but I totally forgot about Charles’ wedding! Yeah, you’re right, he’s a total dillweed.’
Listening to this, I couldn’t help but laugh at the way my mom and her friend were talking about it, but upon further reflection, I felt bad for Charles. At some point, this had to become widely known, and it had to be humiliating.”
They Could Have Just Stayed Home
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“The groom’s family did not like the bride. This was because after the couple met, the groom started to finally have a life and make his own decisions. Before that, the groom’s parents were his entire life as he worked with his dad and still lived at home. The groom’s mom also did all of his banking, so the guy didn’t even know how much money he had in his account.
Even though the groom’s family did not want this wedding to happen, they came to the wedding. The groom’s mom, dad, and sister then proceeded to ignore the bride the entire time. When they were doing family pictures, the groom’s family refused to stand next to the bride. When the bride walked into the church, they refused to stand and looked straight ahead for her entire walk down the aisle. They proceeded to have a ‘whispered’ conversation as the bride was saying her vows. At the reception, the groom’s sister tried (my fellow bridesmaids and I stopped her) to walk onto the dance floor with her dad during the bride’s dance with her father.
They were relentless in their attempts to make sure every one of the 150 guests knew they did not like the bride. The poor bride was an emotional wreck about to have a breakdown by the time dinner was served. The groom was so angry that you could practically see the smoke coming out his ears. It all came to an end when the groom punched his dad in the face at the end of dinner when the dad insinuated that the bride looked like she belonged at the exotic club in her dress.
His family is utter trash and the groom hasn’t spoken a word to his parents in three years. I felt bad for the groom because up to that point, his family had been his entire life. But they deserve not having any relationship with him, his wife, and their brand new baby because they were complete jerks and trash to them on their wedding day.”