A Desperate Situation
“I often think about ending my life…and I partially blame her (my SO).
I had issues before my current relationship (my mother committed suicide when I was a young teen, which gave me abandonment issues and a lot more), but the things she has done have buried me deeper in this hole of self-loathing and depression. I basically caught her seeing her ex a couple of months after her and her 2 kids moved into my house. She denied a lot of things of course, but I kept catching her up in a lot of stuff.
I am so desperate to be with her that I made myself believe all of her lies. This all unfolded about 1.5 years ago. Recent things have come to light, and I’m 99% sure she was sleeping with him for a few months behind my back (she admitted to going to hotels with him, but only for ‘talking’). I also found out that one of her best friends was also her romantic partner—even though she denied that when I asked about him initially.
I’m still with her because I’m overly attached and can’t stand the thought of being alone again and how much I’m going to self-destruct without her—I fell deeply in love with her way before she moved in.
I can’t stand how messed up I am, how emotional I am (I have to duck out at work sometimes because of how painful things feel and because of how obsessive I am with these thoughts of her infidelity and the uncertainty of who she really may be). I’m going absolutely crazy because of the dynamics of my emotions, but I pretend I’m happy and cool, and I just keep going along with it all.
If she knew how insecure I am and how depressed and debilitated I am, she would probably leave.”
A Secret Understanding
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“Before dating my current girlfriend, I was with a girl for something like 8 years. I was certain we were going to marry and be together forever. But for some reason, I just felt like we weren’t going to be able to make it work out with our lives going separate ways (job, college, massive long distance). I wanted it to, but I ended it because I thought it’d be best for us both.
It worked out well for both of us in that we did succeed more in life. My ex just got married a few weeks ago to second-place. I call him second-place because that’s what he is, and she and I both know it.
Prior to her getting married, we professed to each other that we still loved each other after I had a fight with my girlfriend. My ex said (after getting married) that if I had asked for her back just then, she would have come running. I didn’t, because I wanted to have integrity and not break up her relationship nor mine. I just wanted to make things work for everyone. It was the easiest way for all involved. My and my girlfriend’s fight has really put a wedge in our relationship for me, emotionally. I’m not able to connect with her anywhere near where I was before. I feel like she’s only a friend these days.
I still feel that way was best, but every day I think about her and every day I know that if we found ourselves single again, we’d be back together. We were perfect for each other…the timing and distance just got in the way.
If my girlfriend knew this, she’d probably stab me in the face.”
A Dangerous Secret
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“My neighbor has been hiding the fact that he’s a serious opiate addict and has been for over 7 years from his girlfriend. They have been together for 4 of those 7. She is completely clueless about substances of any kind. Otherwise, she would have seen the signs by now. Though he does go to extraordinary lengths to conceal it.
Actually, this is a fairly common occurrence, well, more common than you would think. But, it’s rare that someone is able to keep a secret of that magnitude for so long. He is a pretty functional addict, though he is getting less and less so as time goes on. She will find out eventually, and I’d put money on it being over after that. They have two little kids as well. Very sad.
I’m scared to tell her as I’m an addict in recovery, so he would probably suspect me immediately. And, it would probably end in violence and destruction of MY property. He is one of those crazy/prone to violence type people, so meddling in his personal affairs could be dangerous. Still, I have contemplated/wrestled with it for some time.”
Don’t Count Your Eggs Before They’ve Hatched
“About three and a half years ago, I thought my then on-and-off boyfriend of five years and I were going to break up. In that time, I met up with my married ex-boyfriend who I thought was getting divorced (he’d just learned his wife cheated on him) and just so happened to hook up in his car. The ex later admitted that he’d planned it—I naively thought we were just going out for drinks and to chat—well, maybe fool around a bit—but I wasn’t planning to go that far with him. Happened anyway, but I didn’t feel as bad as I could because I thought my boyfriend and I would be breaking up soon anyway.
Since I thought my on-and-off-again boyfriend and I were breaking up, I told a bunch of people I banged my ex. But then, married ex-boyfriend conveniently decided that secretly having relations with me in his car was enough revenge and he didn’t need that divorce after all and soon stopped talking to me again. After I realized the ex wasn’t leaving wifey poo after all, I became TERRIFIED that my boyfriend would find out I had relations with my ex. Suddenly, staying with him became all important.
A couple years later, formerly on-and-off boyfriend and I got married… Most of the wedding party (both his friends and mine) knew I’d cheated years before, but no one said anything to my husband.
I worry myself sick that he’ll find out. Some of my friends have said that it was years ago and that they think my husband wouldn’t be that upset if he found out now, but I think the fatal combo of 1- the ex in question (it’s a guy I’ve always been borderline obsessed with), 2- that I kept the secret for so long, and 3- the fact that so many people know, would throw my husband over the edge. I assume that if he ever finds out, the marriage is over… but I suspect that many people can’t keep a secret forever. Sooner or later, someone’s going to say something, it’s just a question of when.
In hopes it’ll entice my husband into sticking around, I cook him amazing meals and get intimate whenever he wants to (including catering to any kinky whim, no matter how not into it I am). He thinks I’m just a good wife… I’m actually just waiting for him to find out and get ready to dump me.”
A Tough Act To Follow
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“When I was 14, I was violated and at some point climaxed for the first time in my life. Since then, I’ve never been able to climax with another person in the room, but I can make myself climax with no problems over and over again. I used to not be able to be touched by anyone without freaking out, but I got help from a therapist and am left with this final wall.
My boyfriend doesn’t know that every climax he thinks I’ve had has been faked. I really want to tell him because it’s the only thing I’ve ever lied to him about, and I think it’s a big nasty lie; however, every guy I’ve ever told has either left me because I’m broken, or rubs me raw down there trying to be my white knight and save me from my problem without really trying to find out what I need in order to overcome it. Doesn’t matter how much I love the intimacy; apparently, I’m only worthwhile if a guy can make me finish.
I’m pretty sure after the initial shock and anger at me lying for this past year, he’ll still love me, but in the back of my head a tiny little voice tells me that when I tell him he’s going to leave me because I’m broken or that my inability to climax is going to ruin our pretty fantastic relationship. Or that I’ll hurt him. I think that’s my biggest worry.”
Opposites Attract
“I just started dating a sweet, intelligent, hilarious, super-dorky guy. He is Christian and quite conservative. His family is quite traditional too. He held on to his ‘purity’ for a while and is definitely not the kind of guy who sleeps around.
He is perfect for me in every way. I don’t want to mess this up.
So I have no idea how to tell him I worked as a streetwalker for a while, and it’s not something I can keep from him with a clear conscience if this goes anywhere. Pretty sure it could completely change his view on me.”
If It’s Not The Person, It’s The Place
“I hate, with a passion, where he lives. I have been miserable the last 6 years I’ve been here. I love him to no end, but I have no desire to live in this area for the rest of my life. It is economically depressed and full of redneck hicks who have no aspirations besides getting pregnant and drinking until they pass out. I have to move in a year for work purposes, and if he decides he doesn’t want to go with me or decides after we moved he wants to come back, I won’t hesitate to break up our relationship over it.”
Boy Crazy
“I basically have two boyfriends and they both know who the other person is because they have both been my ex before, but neither of them know I still talk to the other. See, one of them lives far away, but we made an agreement when I was broken up from my current legitimate boyfriend that we would get married at 31 or 32 years of age. I got back together with my current boyfriend and never told him about that. I never broke it off with the previous guy because 32 is still five years off and I was head-over-heels in love with him in college. Thing is, that’s not the worst part. I’m boy crazy. There is one (different) ex, in particular, I would drop everyone for, but he’s in no state to be in a relationship, but I still sleep with him every now and again. I tell some guys I’m in an open relationship (I’m not really). Some are fine with that and some aren’t, but I’ll take all the ones that don’t care. I don’t have intimate relations outside of my relationship often, but I have a serious lack of control when it comes to that one ex of mine. Sometimes I tell myself I can wean off of him. I don’t know that I can. Worse, I don’t know that I want to do so. I think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I never felt good enough to have any of the attractive guys when I was young, but now I know I can. I am horrible.”
Two Sociopaths
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“My girlfriend’s father works from home. One day, he asks for help on his computer. He walks away, and I open the internet. I see his email account open. I go through his first page of recent emails. I see about 5 from Eastern European women, obviously through some website, and I proceed to read one. The woman attached a picture, and he attached a picture of himself and his youngest daughter (10 years old) so I know that not only is it actually him—he’s even sending real pictures. I forwarded those 5 emails to my account. I then proceeded to delete the ‘sent’ messages from his inbox. He had no idea. That’s right…had.
My girlfriend’s father divorced her mother but is currently married and shows no signs of divorcing this one. He is an extremely sensitive person and gets upset very easily.
My girlfriend and her family don’t want me to convert to their religion, but they want their religion to dominate the house. I am not a fan of this. I would rather raise a family with no apparent religion. Just my version of good and bad.
The dad is probably the most influential person in my girlfriend’s life. And due to this religion issue, and my overall dissatisfaction with my relationship, I am planning on ending my current relationship. It’s hard, though. We’ve been together many years, live together, etc…
I approached the dad once and showed him the emails that I had been holding for years. He was floored when he saw them. He was 100% blindsided by it and didn’t even know what to say. He had no idea what I was up to. I am currently blackmailing him into slowly but surely influencing my GF to break up with me. I am too chicken to dump her, for fear of destroying her heart. Instead, I’ve chosen to get her to dump me. Come to think of it, I’ve never dumped anyone. But I’ve manipulated the girl into dumping 3 times so far, and number 4 will be the most deliciously evil rendition of this characteristic of mine.
It’s been 3 months since this plan was put into action. I specifically told the dad to do this very slowly. If he just tells her that I am no good, after loving me for many years, that will set off bells. I get weekly updates from him.
The weird part is, I feel like he is enjoying it, like he is getting a thrill out of the whole thing. Even weirder…so am I.”
I Can’t Take You Anywhere!
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“I’m often embarrassed to be around him in public. Sometimes he’s just too touchy-feely, he doesn’t know how to dress properly for anything more formal than Applebees, and he doesn’t know when to knock off the swearing. Just yesterday we were at an event where he started swearing in front of a bunch of children, at an event where swearing wasn’t 100% inappropriate but frowned on outside certain context (this was definitely where it was inappropriate, and he likes to swear LOUDLY).
I’ve tried gifting him new clothes – he doesn’t wear them. I’ve smacked him (lightly, not in a way that should be painful), facepalmed, got ‘deer in the headlights,’ walked away, and don’t talk to him for a while, then tell him that it was completely inappropriate. He’s mildly autistic (Asperger’s) so I’m never 100% sure if I’m completely getting through, but I attempt more than just facial cues. It doesn’t work.
It’s just downright embarrassing and I know if I flat-out told him about it, there would be issues. I feel like we can never do nice things because of how he dresses and behaves.”
Just One Of The Guys
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“I hate visiting his family, or when they come to visit. I hate it so, so much. I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but he loves his family, and they come up here a lot. When we go to visit for holidays, I just want to scream. I often will make up work excuses to not do things when they visit, but when we visit, I have no escape. His father is a complete jerk who has never accepted the fact that his son is marrying a man, and he treats me like a woman. My fiancé comes from a very traditional family. I get left behind with his sister and mother and his brother’s wives/girlfriends all the time. I’m supposed to do Black Friday shopping with them. I’m supposed to wrap gifts with them. I’m so bad at wrapping gifts. At holidays, I get relegated to the ‘womanly’ tasks. I’m left to cook, or expected to bring something already made. I’m expected to gossip with them. I can’t cook. I CAN’T COOK—like at all. His mom treats me the same. My fiancé doesn’t notice, and I could never tell him that I hate his parents.
I’m going to be real here, and forgive all the generalizations and assigning of gender roles, but his family depends on them, so for people who survive on maintaining gender roles: I’M NOT EVEN THAT GAY. I don’t have a lisp, I’ve never cared about dressing well, and I don’t mince. No, I don’t hunt, no, I don’t eat meat, yes, I have liberal-leaning opinions, but for Christ’s sake, I’m a professional carpenter. Yes, I build scenery for theatre, but god I get paid to weld on a daily basis. I have more carpentry experience than three generations of his family combined. I come home every day and I’m covered in sawdust and dirt.
Forgive my masculinity assertion, but seriously. I’m tired of his family lumping me in with the hens just ’cause I’m gay.”
He Kind Of Had It Coming
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“While he has been in prison for the last 4 years, I cheated on my husband. Yeah yeah, I know I’m a scumbag, whatever. We’d been together about 2 years. When our son was 2 months old, I found out he had been cheating with multiple women the whole time we’d been together, it destroyed me, like immobile in bed kind of destroyed me. About a week later, he got sentenced to 12 years in prison.
Now, most folks would say, ‘Hey, I should break this thing off.’ Well, I’m no quitter… so yeah, I just sort of stayed and supported him. Honestly, looking back, I don’t know how I reasoned it, I may have been in that post-baby haze of no sleep and hormones. I don’t know. While my heart was an idiot, my brain was just a jerk. I wanted to get over him so badly, I wanted to stop feeling so pathetic. So I cheated with an ex. I thought it would empower me or maybe help me to move on? Not surprisingly, I did not feel better.
We’re still together, I have reassured him/lied multiple times that I haven’t cheated, and he has told me many times that if I have, he never wants to know. He will be home in 4 weeks and I am filled with excitement and dread. I’m scared he will come back and be horrible to me again, but I am also scared he will come back and be amazing, and I will have messed it up.”
Bad Luck, Or Something More Sinister?
“As of a month ago she’s an ex-girlfriend for other reasons, but the big secret I kept was my real opinion of her mother’s reputation. Her mother has an okay reputation with 90% of the people who know her and a terrible reputation with the other 10%. The 10%-ers talk about some serious scamming crimes her mother committed and the 90%-ers say it’s not true, she was just part of a failed business. I told her that I didn’t believe a single word of what the 10%-er people say.
Except, the 10%-ers are right. When I started dating her, a friend of my family sat me down and laid out pretty close to irrefutable evidence that either her mother had a string of dumb luck like the plot line of ‘Forrest Gump’ or she knowingly scammed a bunch of people for over a hundred thousand dollars.
There’s no evidence, it was slick and she’ll never get charged for it, but her mother is a scammer.”
When You Meet “The One” Too Early
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“I’m dating a girl who’s three years younger than me (I’m 21, she’s 18). Before her, I had a few brief flings and one seven-month relationship. She, on the other hand, had never even kissed a guy and was against the idea of dating in general. This being a Muslim country and she being from a fairly conservative family, her deciding to go out with me was a big deal, because she is gorgeous and clever and there were plenty of guys before me who failed to get with her.
She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I love her more than anything else in the world, and it’s the kind of relationship where my parents and parents’ friends and my sisters adore her as much as I do. (Her parents don’t know I exist. I am a risk for her.) My point is: I’m happy.
But soon she’s going to have to go off to college, and me to grad school hopefully, and the odds of us ending up in the same place are…distant, to say the least. And she’s fine with that, because we love each other and we’ll manage. And I think we could too. But for the life me, I can’t imagine loving only her … for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine loving her more than I do, can’t imagine loving anyone else more than I love her, but the thought of loving only her forever terrifies me. And for all that she is tough and resilient, she takes things like this hard and her family is nightmarish and I can’t tell her how I feel because she couldn’t possibly relate to it.”