24 People Share The Funniest Excuses They’ve Used To Avoid Sex

When you're not in the mood, take a page out of these people's playbook and find your own creative way of avoiding sex!

That’s Just Wrong

When I was an RA in college, one of my residents had a crush on me that wasn’t reciprocated. Her roommate invited me over one night to watch a movie with the two of them, then the roommate left the room. There we were, sitting on the floor, watching some stupid chick flick, when she moved over to sit even closer to me. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over our laps, moving even closer. I knew things were going to be going the way of the smooching and horizontal mambo shortly if things went as she planned, but I was not attracted to her and wanted to the foil the plan as best I could. Thank goodness it was taco night in the cafeteria. Even my eyes watered with the stench and spice of that magnificent fart. And it saved me from doing the hibbidy dibbidy with one of my residents. (Source)

The Old Fried Chicken Excuse

“A couple once tried to take me home. They kept trying to touch me and massage me, and my awkward, idiotic attempt at diffusing the situation was to complain incessantly about how hungry I was and could we please go find some fried chicken. Finally I had to explicitly tell them I wasn’t interested. They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff. All my housemates were up when I got back and wanted to know where I had found a farmer’s market so late at night.” (Source)

So, Who’s The Crazy One In This Situation?

It was 2005 or 2006. With some friends at a girl’s place. She has a thing for me, but I strongly suspect that she isn’t completely mentally stable. We’re all on her bed watching Family Guy together. Girl decides she wants me. Rolls on top of me, pins are arms. Friends are like ‘uuuuuh, we’re gonna leave’ and start to head out. I give them the ‘DON’T LEAVE ME’ eyes. I think fast. Wrestling instincts take over. Flip her over, I’m on top of her with her arms pinned now. She has the ‘OH YES’ look in here eyes. I hop up, and ‘WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP’ Zoidberg crab walk away. She did turn out to be crazy as heck. Close call.” (Source)

Many Laughs, Indeed

Last year my birthday happened to be when I was on spring break from university. Fast forward through a long week at home to my birthday night. Cue college kid shenanigans. 3 hours later I’m laying in bed in my friends basement when a girl from the party comes in and lays in the bed. She starts trying to make moves, but because I have a girlfriend I decide that I didn’t want anything to do with her. I drop hints that I was too drunk, wasn’t feeling it, needed to sleep, and this girl wouldn’t let up. I pretended to give up, she started making out with me, and then, I had a stroke of genius. I stuck my finger in the back door, and she replied “I’m not really into that” then promptly left the room. Many laughs have been had over that story (Source)

Got Her!

My ex and I were at a mutual friends house party. Backstory: we were together for 3 years and the last 3 months we hadn’t been intimate at all. Eventually she asked if she could talk to me in private. We go in the den and she tells me how happy she is that I’m happy and that we can still be friends. Blah blah blah. Then she makes her classic move — she touches my arm and then moves her hand up to touch my neck and lightly scratch. She leans in for the kiss and I let it happen. Next thing I know she has managed to fall back on the couch with me on top. We move to where I am straddling her (to clarify, I’m a girl too). She is extremely into it and ready for action when I lean back and say “You want me?” “Yes” “Well you didn’t when we were together so no thanks!” I get off her and walk out. Now I know it isn’t very nice but it was a bad relationship and I needed to get some of my pride back. (Source)

She Must Have Been Thrilled

I was making out with this chick in really dark bar. She grabs my hand and pulls me towards the stairs to leave. When we get into the stairwell there’s actually some light and I can see her face is a little busted. So I say, “Hold on, I gotta close my tab,” (I actually did) and after I closed it I grabbed my friends and said, “We gotta go, I’ll explain later, meet me outside,” and I sprinted past the girl who was waiting for me out into the street and waited around the corner. My friends were super confused when they caught up but I explained and they understood it as another of my poor life choices. (Source)

Now That Was Quick Thinking

“A few years back, single, and on the mend from a 9 year relationship, I was on Facebook chatting with my mother’s best friend. We were talking about her kids who are my age, and how they’ve been, and how I wished I had hung out with them more in High School. The conversation becomes a bit more personal, and it migrates to text. She’s asking me how big I am, and how she’s always been curious. She’s a very attractive lady, but 30 years older than I am. Plus, she has a big rack. Which I got to see based off the pictures she started sending me. In a moment of weakness, I decided, I’m going to hit this. I give her my address, and she starts driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out. I called my Mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she’d be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower. Her friend then arrives, and immediately strips down before the door even shuts. She starts straddling me and my phone rings. I pick it up, put it on speaker, and it’s my Mother saying she’s about 5 minutes away. Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted. (Source)

That’s One Way To Do It

I was watching the lion king and this very unattractive girl kept edging closer to me on the couch. I eventually wound up curled up in the fetal position away from her tucked into the very corner of the sofa. (Source)

Dirtier Than Her You-Know-What?

“When I was in my fresher year of university I made an error. After being down at the nearest student bar, my beer goggles turned on. Enter overweight Irish girl. In my mind I was sure she was beautiful and witty… turned out not. Cue memory loss and I black back in when I’ve managed to bring this troll back to my flat in our halls of residence, kissing in the corridor and whatnot. This was just around the time of Christmas holidays, so one of my flatmates had already headed home for the holidays. Like the rookie he was, he had left his room unlocked. So, drunken me decides ‘forget it, he’s a loser’ and lead the girl into his room. After the normal initiations begin and I gradually begin to sober up and feel worse for the beer I have had. So then I decide to be a gentleman and go down on her. Around then I realize my real mistake. There’s this rank fishy smell. I am talking about yeast infection bad smell. My nose picked up on it too late… I licked. And then I vomited. I vomited on her. Drunken save yourself abandon ship mode engages. I jump up, grab my clothes and leave before she realizes what’s happened. As I leave I hear ‘OH MY GOD!’ Went into my room, locked the door, slept, stayed in the room for roughly 24 hours just in case she hadn’t left. Man I was hungry and thirsty. Worst hangover ever. Flatmate to this day doesn’t know. Win. Saw her again on campus a couple of months later. Got the dirtiest look I have ever, and will ever receive.” (Source)

The Ol’ Sandy D_ck Trick

I was 15 at the beach for a week and a girl (16) I met earlier that week told me she wanted to hang out on the beach that night. When I went to meet her, she had a blanket laid out and started kissing me and said she wanted her first time to be on the beach. She was like a 5 or 6 as far as attractiveness goes and I didn’t want my first time to be with her. I told her I didn’t have a condom and it was all sandy and it would hurt her. I do not regret turning her down. (Source)

Straight Badass

“I once picked up a girl in a bar and brought her home. Soon after she arrived, I realized she was psycho-crazy. She walked in and looked at my ashtray and freaked out and took it into the kitchen and started scrubbing and cleaning it like her life depended on it. Then she came back into the living room and started neatly removing and folding her clothes, all the while talking about how pissed off she was at her boyfriend. This was obviously some kind of ‘revenge’ thing. I’m getting more and more weirded out by this girl and don’t want to have anything to do with her, but what can I do? I then realize, I had two phone lines in the house (this was before cell phones were popular) and one phone was alongside the couch on the floor so I sat down, leaned my arm over the side and dialed the other phone where she couldn’t see, then when the phone rang I picked it up… ‘Hello? Yes. What? Are you sure? Right now? Ok, yes, I’m on my way.’ And without even looking at her I went into my bedroom, grabbed a handgun, slid a mag into it and chambered a round and placed the gun inside my waistband and said, ‘You’re going to have to leave, I’ve got something to take care of.’ (Source)

Nothing Like Creeping Your Way Out Of A Bad Situation

“My girlfriend was in Spain for a while and I was hanging at my local bar for a few drinks after work one night. Somehow while I was having a beer or two and playing darts time passed and all of a sudden it’s near closing time. I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up. I’m courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, chick offers to give me a ride home. I say, forget it; it’s free. I’ll take it. Once we’re in the car she won’t stop seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asks why I don’t just stay with her and I reply, as I have quite a bit at this point, that I have a gf and I love her. She asks what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick. Now I’m past being uncomfortable an into getting pissed. I keep my cool, and explain that if I were to come over then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box. She asks what that means, and I tell her it’s just the standard stuff. Ropes, gags, whips, just the basics. She seems a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want. So I say, if you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with. I keep going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we’re a couple miles down the road at my house, this chick can’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar, either.” (Source)

A Classic Tale Of Wingmanship

“Went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me– heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc. My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a ‘c’est la vie’ shrug, but I felt bad. I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improv-ed and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of WTF-ing after hearing me say that, and introduced him as my partner. She did a hip cock and asked us to prove it. There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said ‘Wow, you guys don’t seem gay.’ Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest. Came outta there with a great story though.” (Source)

Judging The Situation, He Dodged A Bullet

“I ran away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to push me to go all the way, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a death-lock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me ‘no’ and again with her death-lock on me started to steer me into her. In my head I was thinking ‘AIDS is a thing, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.’ Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, instead I went, ‘Ohhhh!!!!’ and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell ‘Are you kidding me!!!’ (Source)

This Much Is True

I just say that I have diarrhea. Nobody wants to get with someone who has diarrhea. (Source)

A Frightening Sight

“I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her fat hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.” (Source)

Awkward…

“My friend was very drunk in college, and went home with a very unattractive girl. We had tried to stop him, but he didn’t listen. Shortly after arriving at her home, he said he regained clarity, and realized he needed to escape. She left the room for a moment to brush her teeth or something, and he jumped out her second story window. He forgot his hat, though, and had to climb back in said window. Then he jumped back out. It was a small school. We saw her on campus often.”

Like A True Mystic Demon

“Last year I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped out a tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me out of there, resulting in me saying the following words: ‘Bluehhggh I need to bury my bottle.’ I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a mystic demon.” (Source)

Cue The Vince McMahon Power Walk

“Late to the party but here we go. Not something I did, but my brother. For a few weeks in high school, I lived with my mom, and I was babysitting my younger brothers. A girl with who I went to school with decided to stop by, and was clumsily trying to seduce me. She had a bit of a reputation, and I was watching kids, so I really wasn’t into it. Anyway, she got really forceful, and my younger brother picked up on the fact that I was uncomfortable. As an aside, I was supposed to be very careful about letting the boys play wrestling video games, as they tended to get a little rowdy. I had completely ignored this rule all day. Anyway, my brother saw how uncomfortable I was, so he decided that he was going to climb on the back of the couch and dropkick the crap right out of her. I pretended to be upset with him until she got back up and left, then high-five’d him and took my brothers out for ice cream.” (Source)

A Happy Ending After All

“Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and I was bored. Then a very very intoxicated woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d boink my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made my eyes water and my nose run and I said ‘I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.’ I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a jerk. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.” (Source)

Smooth Move

I was in college when for some reason I can’t quite remember this girl followed me back to my room. She was nice but not my type and we shared a lot of the same friends so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So what did I do? I said “Oh, awesome, I just remembered I have leftovers!” And then I sat on my bed and ate it as I talked to her until she left. (Source)

No Girls Allowed!

“While wing-manning a friend (who was hooking up in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as his girl’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a ‘fort’ on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, ‘NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!’…she eventually got the message.” (Source)

You Know The Sex Is Bad When…

“My ex-girlfriend was so terrible in bed (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely drink too much to get it up.” (Source)

Smooth Snore

I’m a guy. I had just graduated college and moved to a new town. A girl I knew offered to show me around for the night. We go to a house party with her friends and drink until 2 AM. At that point, she asks me if I want to crash on her couch. The thing is, I’m actually really far from home. I have no car. I’m drunk. Public transportation will take hours. So, I agree — sure, I’ll crash on your couch. Now, she was not at all unattractive — far from it. The thing is, I had spent quite a bit of time with her in college, and there had never been any spark. We had been in a touring performance group together. We had rehearsed for hundreds of hours, gone on road trips, shared hotel rooms, etc. She fought constantly with other members of the group. She hooked up with a couple of the guys — all older than me. I didn’t judge her for that, but I knew enough to know that I didn’t want to get involved. Anyway, we get into her apartment. She says, “I don’t feel like making up the couch, you can just sleep on my bed.” It’s no big deal, she says, it will be just like we’re on tour. Hey, we piled four people into a bed on tour, didn’t we? That’s true, I think. We did do that. Sure. So we get into bed. I’m lying on my back, she on hers. We stay that way silently for several minutes. I can tell she’s wide awake. And then, suddenly, I feel her hand on my leg. It starts stroking my thigh. Her nails dig in. She goes farther and further up my leg, rubbing back and forth. Oh no, no, no. I really don’t want to do this. But I certainly don’t want to explain that, either. So, I think fast. And let out a loud, rasping, rattling SNORE. Her hand pauses. SNOOOOOORE. Her hand moves away. I rev up the chainsaw for about five minutes. Eventually, she rolls over on her side and goes to sleep. Bullet dodged. She kept her pride, while I kept my dainty manhood intact. (Source)