Kids are adorable little humans that amaze us every day with how they grow and the incredible things they can do. They can also be the weirdest, creepiest creatures you'll ever meet. It's a weird balance. The parents in the following stories have experienced moments with their children that have left them confused and sometimes a little bit frightened.
Trying To Be An Adult… A Really Weird One
“About 5 years ago, I woke up later in the morning (I worked the night shift at the time) to find that my 2-year-old daughter had not only opened the door to her room but also climbed the baby gate that was supposed to keep her in there.
She then proceeded to stack every toy she could find into a pillar. The play table was on top of the high chair, the toy piano table was on top of the play table, etc. She climbed toy mountain to get to the top of the fridge. Then, she mixed the red velvet cake mix with water, took it back to her room, and attempted to eat it.
She decided she didn’t like the cake mix (who knew?) and figured it’d be a good idea to throw it all over her white carpet. Her room smelled delightful, but the red never came out. The real kicker to this was that about a week later I went to use the icing that was with that cake mix on top of our fridge and it had a pair of finger skids through the top of the icing. The little devil ate the icing, put it back, and decided to take the whole cake.
Also, during the potty training phase a year prior, she knew that we loved it when she peed in the potty. She then logically assumed that we would like it if she peed in other things that were not her pull-ups. She took the initiative on this task and pulled a drawer out of her dresser, neatly removed all the folded clothing, and peed into the drawer in the middle of her room. She was proud and made sure to show us.
On the topic of potty training, our daughter let us know she was ready to potty train by waking up one morning with a poop-filled diaper that she took off and proceeded to paint the room with. That’s right, poop-finger-paint time. It was everywhere including her face.
I have a video of her using mashed potatoes as a facial and hair moisturizer. Nothing sparked it or encouraged it. She just decided the best way to eat her potatoes was by rubbing them all over her head while avoiding her mouth.
She would regularly parrot everything I said at the absolute worst times. There was a particular instance that was rather riveting, however. She was speaking to my father and he said a ‘bad word’. At 3 years old, she looked him square in the eye and said, ‘If you say that again I’ll kick your little butt,’ and shook her fist at him like a freaking cartoon.”
The Worst Kid You’ll Ever Meet
“Not my kid, but my brother. One day we’re at our house and all of the sudden, my dad asked me where my 4-year-old brother is. We all started looking around and he was nowhere to be found. My dad starts panicking, and justly so.
Losing a kid is freaky no matter what. Losing a kid in Florida, you know you have a finite amount of time before someone snatches the kid up and it ends up headless in a ditch (this was something that was legit happening on the news at the time). So the whole family, all 7 of us, are scrambling around the block. My dad and my grandma are rolling around in two different cars. I go back into the house because it had been a long time and it was about 100 degrees outside, and I heard a noise from our room. So I walk up to the closet and open it up and my brother is sitting there, nothing on, eating a raw chicken. Like a whole raw chicken and it was about half gone.
A 4-year-old, despite his families cries, hid in a closet, nothing on, so he could eat half of a raw chicken. That’s my brother. He never grew out of weird stuff like that. I mean he did a lot of messed up stuff his whole life, and I know he wasn’t raised that way, he has been just extremely selfish/vindictive since birth.
When we were really young, he might have been under two, he wasn’t able to speak very well. So when our parents would make us eat, we ate at the kitchen table and they were usually pretty busy cleaning or figuring their next day out. So my dad would hear my brother screaming bloody murder and he would enter the kitchen and his face was all red. He automatically assumed I was hitting him or something. I kept telling him I wasn’t doing anything and I was a pretty good kid, so he really had no reason not to believe me. So what he wanted to do was catch me in the act.
The next night at dinner he peaks around the corner and sees my brother grab and twist his face and he started screaming. My brother, before he could speak, was trying to get me in trouble for no reason.
My brother was a bad kid. Always cussing. So my parents would wash his mouth out with soap… until he started liking it. It wasn’t even a punishment, he liked eating soap. So they switched to hot sauce, that didn’t last long until he liked that too.
That was all when he was under 5. He grew up into a really messed up self-centered dude who stole cars and harassed people out in public. I haven’t talked to him in years because I can’t have that in my life.”
The Most Terrifying 45 Minutes In A Parent’s Life
“My 2-year-old son took himself for a walk one morning this summer.
My husband takes the dog for a walk shortly after waking up and will usually take a kid or two with him if time and weather permit. I was trying to catch a bit more sleep when he left with the older two. He apparently didn’t shut the door all the way (the 2-year-old likes to help close it) and the 2-year-old pried it open with his fingertips, closed it behind him, and walked off. My husband came back and asked, ‘Where’s our 2-year-old?’ and set off a panic.
It turns out he’d decided to take the route my husband takes the dog on. The school bus driver saw him strolling alone, pulled over, called the cops, and my husband had passed them on his way back (without seeing our kid) and just thought, ‘Huh, weird. I guess they’re broken down or something.’ We called 911, they said there was a unit with a small child in our neighborhood, and my husband dashed off to find him a quarter mile down the road with now 3 or 4 cop cars. Our son had a great time – a kid on the bus gave him a Capri Sun, he got a badge sticker from the cops, got to sit in the back of the cruiser and hang out with the police – but my God, I was a complete wreck for about 45 minutes.”
A Budding Hair Stylist
“My 15-year-old stepdaughter came home from school one day complaining about being made fun of. Mind you, she’s wearing a winter hat and her hoodie pulled up over her head.
She had ‘let a friend’ cut her hair. It was fine at that time. That time. Apparently, after that, she decided she didn’t like what her friend did, so she cut it more herself. Currently, she is missing a 4-inch gap of hair on the back of her head, her bangs were chopped, lopsided, into about a third to an eighth of an inch of hair. The rest of her hair that survived the onslaught is just as bad. Uneven, far too short in other places (not including her 4-inch bald spot).
We tried to explain, ‘Playing stupid games wins stupid prizes,’ but she’ll do it again. This is the third time she’s done this to her hair and come home crying over being made fun of. I’m not quite sure why she won’t just have us bring her to a salon.”
A Unique Investigative Technique
“When my brother was 7 he walked into the living room and announced there was a weird, mysterious goo on one of his toys. My mother asked him what it looked like. ‘Does it look like it’s food, dirt, old glue?’
His response, ‘I dunno, it tastes like…’
At this point, my mother nearly spews coffee and says, ‘You found some strange goo and the first thing you did was taste it?’
He says, very chill, ‘Yeah, it didn’t taste like food or glue.'”
I Don’t Think I Want Those Scrambled Eggs
“My mother told me that when I was a baby/toddler (could walk but not really talk yet) I was ‘missing’ for a few minutes. She couldn’t find me anywhere until she heard a BANG… BANG… BANG at the front door. She opened up the door to find some people pointing and laughing at me from the sidewalk. I had apparently gotten into the fridge, stolen some eggs, taken them out to the front step and had subsequently mixed that with my own turds and was throwing the concoction at our white front door.
I’m sure it was disgusting to clean up but she loved telling that story to embarrass me!”
Just When You Think Things Can’t Get Any Worse
“When he was almost 2 years old, my son found the canister of gas (that my adorable husband left on the ground) in the garage, picked it up, walked into the laundry room, and proceeded to gleefully pour it all over the floor, in just his diaper, with the biggest grin of excitement I’ve ever seen since, on his face. Five seconds of not watching him… this is what can happen.
I screamed, ‘No!’ picked him up, ran him to the bathtub, and put my nose in his mouth to see if he drank any (he was in a phase where everything was going in his mouth). He started crying, my husband goes back to the laundry room while I comfort my traumatized child and give him a bath. My husband decides in his infinite wisdom to take every clean towel we own and use them to sop up the gas in the floor and then put them in the laundry machine! We were at Lowe’s the next day buying a new machine. Sigh. It was a traumatic family event on several fronts.”
Busch Gardens Takes A Lot Out Of A Kid
“She was three years old and I was introducing her to this great guy I had started dating. We went to Busch Gardens with my tiny one and her grandparents. Afterwards, we went to eat at the Golden Corral and her grandmother took her to the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, I get a text message saying ‘HELP!’ Confused, my boyfriend and I head toward the restroom to assess the situation and are met by several ladies laughing as they exit the bathroom.
Apparently, my tiny human was so tired from Busch Gardens that as soon as she locked herself in the stall and climbed unto the toilet to poop, she fell asleep. Her grandmother was frantically banging on the door to wake her up which caused the other women in the restroom to burst out laughing.
Eventually, my toddler was awakened and was quite upset we woke her up. Luckily my boyfriend thought the entire episode was hilarious.”
Not The Best Run Away Plan
“My son is sick with a 101 fever. He has occasional night terrors (later found out fevers can trigger night terrors). He is in my bed wining about feeling sick. I offer him a shower to make him feel better. He says okay. He steps into the bathroom, takes off his clothes and the turns on the water. It is cold, so he walks off with nothing on. The water gets warm, and I go to look for him. The garage door is open and he is gone. I go outside screaming his name. He yells back, ‘I am running away!’ He is about 100 yards away around the corner, still nothing on, trying to get away from whatever is scaring him. I run to him, grab him up, give him a big hug, and briskly walk back to my house.
Passers-by asked if we were ok. Yeah. Peachy.
He comes to on the way home. He remembers being outside, nothing before that.”
Someone Get The Mouthwash!
“My daughter is 18 now, but when she was around a year old, her mom would sometimes put her in the bath with me to share some bathtime fun and bonding! Her favorite ‘game’ was for me to lay back and scoop up a mouthful of water and spit it like a fountain all over her chest. Time and again she’d laugh like a drain, absolutely loved it. I must admit it made me laugh like a loon too… until the very last time. I’m spitting streams of water at her and start to notice the water color had changed slightly and there were ‘bits’ in it. Yep, she’d taken a poo in the bath and there was me taking great mouthfuls of feces water and spitting it back at her! She takes great delight in reminding me of this at family get-togethers etc.”
Some Things Aren’t As Funny As You Think
“When I was a kid, my sister and parents and I used to go around smacking each other in the butt. Like, I’m walking past the couch, my sister might take a swing at my butt or vice versa. My dad used to flick towels and sheets at our butts if he was folding laundry.
One day when I was 6, I, a genius, thought that if its funny when you smack the rear butt, it must be funny to smack the front butt. Just then my dad walked by so I hauled off and punched him in the groin. Sorry, dad. I just remembered that he doubled over in pain, but I thought he was laughing so hard because it was, obviously, hilarious. I remember being encouraged by this and screaming with laughter myself. I got in a fair amount of trouble.”
The Lord Can’t Save You Now
“A couple of nights ago while tucking in my daughter, she asked me if I can take care of the spiders underneath her bed. She’s afraid of spiders, so that takes up a lot of her attention. Anyway, I tell her, ‘Yes, daddy can take care of everything.’ She then asks me if I can take care of her and I once again reply with a, ‘Yes, of course.’
Then it gets weird. She proceeds to ask, ‘And remove my skin?’
I say, ‘Eh?’
She responds with, ‘Yeah. Just like Jeeeeesus (that’s how she says Jesus) does?’
I was very confused afterward.”
He Wants It Now!
“When my son was two years old, he jumped out my bedroom window (first floor) to go get his Cozy Coup car. He knew that the car stayed outside only, and I was busy doing the dishes/random chores so I told him we had to wait till I was done to go outside.
This little boy pushed the screen out of my window, jumped (fell?) out, and ran wearing only a t-shirt across the backyard to go get it. I only saw him when I happened to look out the window as his bare butt was running Forrest Gump style to the car.
Patience was not his thing.”
The Logic Is There
“I was really tired one day and fell into a deep sleep. While I was asleep, my 4-year-old son thought it would be a great idea to wash the dishes for me. He washed the dirty dishes, the clean dishes, flooded the kitchen, and used all the soap (including body wash). The kitchen was way worse than it was before.
I wanted to be angry but he honestly thought he was helping. I just thanked him and told him that he can help me when he’s older and for now, leave the cleaning to me.”
This House Is A Zoo!
“I walk into the kitchen and notice a huge mess on the table. I ask my 6 and 4-year-old who are nearby, who made the mess. Without missing a heartbeat the 4-year-old looks me straight in the eyes and reports that a giraffe ran into the house, made the mess and left running. She also states that she tried to stop it. The kid was dead serious in her statement. Note, we live in Canada and my kids have never seen a giraffe before.”
Follows Orders A Bit Too Well
“My father told me this story a few years ago. When I was 4 years old, I was eating some chips and accidentally dropped one onto the carpet. My dad saw and said, ‘Hey pick that potato chip up before you step on it.’ I stared at him with a puzzled look on my face, picked up the potato chip, put it back down, and stepped on it.
Just doing what you told me to do, dad!”
The Escape Artist
“My son was just learning how to walk and was in the living room, playing inside a kiddie corral. I started fixing dinner and suddenly he screeched right behind me and scared me to death. I walk into the room and both of our large dogs are inside the pen. I found out later when he did it again, he got both dogs to jump into the pen then climbed on them to escape.”
Such Nice Hair
“My daughter tells me she wants to cut off my hair and stick it to her head, in the most eerily calm voice. She sometimes sits there and strokes my head saying pretty over and over. Once while I wasn’t paying attention I turned around and caught her licking my hair. When she saw I’d caught her she jumped up and ran away giggling like a maniac.”
An Alternate Universe Sonic
“Yesterday he was running around while making ‘shooh, shooh, shooh,’ noises. His little sister asks him what he was doing and he shouts, ‘I’m flesh-colored Sonic!’
I turn from what I was doing and go, ‘Flesh-colored?’
He replies, ‘Because I can’t be blue.’
Don’t Let This Little Girl Near The Knives
“My daughter pulled the head off of one of her little-loved dolls. It was one of those fabric ones, stuffed with cotton wool. She pulled out all the stuffing, retrieved a frying pan from the kitchen, and proceeded to pretend cooking it. Once the dolls internals were cooked, she fed it to her other dolls.”
The Door Frame Had It Coming
“My 4-year-old nephew lives with me and my fiancee. He sometimes yells at the doorframe for being too… wooden. He also tried to marry his pet goldfish to the dog. I honestly think he takes after my brother despite all the education I’ve given him.”
He Knows What He Did
“My son yells into my knee. He’ll be sitting on my leg, put his mouth over my knee and just… yell. Toddlers are weird people.”
(Points edited for clarity)