There are many different reasons why mothers choose to put their child/children up for adoption. Regardless, it is one of the most heartbreaking experience a mother can go through. Mothers share the tragic moments they gave their child up for adoption:
It Was Hardest Thing He’d Ever Done, But It Had The Best Possible Outcome
“I gave my son up for adoption when I was 22. The father denied paternity and I was broke. I didn’t want to raise my child on welfare. I also didn’t want him dragged through custody battles, etc. I believe in raising a child, not dragging them up (though I do admire people who do a good job of making it through these struggles). I wanted my son to have the best possible life. So my pain was not important. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I still don’t like to revisit that day I finally walked out of the hospital.
The good news is it was an open adoption and I got pictures and letters and visited him. His parents became a part of my extended family and I love them dearly. He is now 25 and we have really got to know each other in the past 5 years. He is a wonderful guy and he thanked me for giving him up. He thanked me for choosing the right parents for him. We have a great relationship and he is adored by his half brother and sister. He visits often and visits the rest of my family as well. It is a truly happy story.”
They Couldn’t Make Ends Meet
“My grandmother’s parents were very poor and had a good number of children. They ended up giving up all the female children because they couldn’t make enough income to help support the family as the girls couldn’t work and help out like the boys could. And there may have been a gender preference. Not sure how old she was at the time, but my grandmother was not a baby.
She ended up living with a very nice Irish family and grew up to become a nurse and raise a family of three. She seems to be okay with it. She kept in touch with her biological parents and siblings and they came to family functions and such.
I don’t really agree with what my great grandparents did, but it allowed my grandmother to have a much better life, which in turn has allowed me the life I have now so I’m very thankful for that. The decision couldn’t have been easy. She’s well adjusted and does a lot of volunteer work. The only thing which I wish I knew about her side of the family is their medical history.”
“She Thought I Was ‘Self-Sufficient’ Enough”
“My mother abandoned me when I was nine. She left me a note and some money and when I got home from school I had a mattress on the floor and some clothes, a pack of Old Golds, a book of matches, and the cat so I wouldn’t feel lonely. She left with everything else, including my older brother. He had extraordinary needs but had developed into a functional adult at this point.
She did so because I could function, speak, read, bathe and care for myself, and she believed I was smart enough to effectively take care of myself as a member of society. She could not afford to care for both of us, nor could she split the time between working and caring for my brother in a way that could support the three of us.
I lived with my cat in this apartment until the end of the school year, and then I wound up in a group foster home with no cat. I was living alone for around a month. My mother left at the end of April, and school ended at the beginning of June. I got in trouble for something stupid, I don’t even remember what it was, but there were only two days left of school and I was in one of those moods that kids get in where they’re just little runts. She threatened to call my parents, and I said ‘Good luck,’ which she took as me daring her to. She tried calling several times, demanding my mother’s work number, and eventually, I convinced her that I didn’t know. She put the pieces together from there and showed up at my apartment with a police officer and a CPS agent. I told them what was up and then I was sent to a home.
My father tried charging her, but I didn’t meet him until I was 13. Then he passed away when I was 14 and the legal process was still in the early stages. I was asked for my input and I said that if it were up to me, everyone would leave her alone. She had enough going on.
I ended up in foster care in an individual home, meaning there were no other foster children and these people were my legal guardians until I graduated high school, and they threatened to go after my mother for child support, but nothing ever really came from the threat anyway.
My life is better now than it ever has been. I graduated high school early, went to college, fell in love, got married, and we’re due to have our own child in November. There were low points. But honestly, if I had stayed with my mother, I would not have graduated high school. I would not have gone to college. I’d be starving and likely addicted to a wonderful assortment of pills. She’s been diagnosed with M.S. within the last couple years, and had it not been for my husband, I’d be taking care of her. As it is, we plan to do so once I finish my degree in the spring.
I have been seeing various mental health professionals since 2007, and they help a great deal. I do not believe that I should have to suffer for the mistakes of my parents and have always worked toward a decent future.”
She Chose Her New Man’s Happiness Over Her Own
“My mother’s biological mother gave her up when she was 4-years-old. Her bio mom had had another child with a different man who was not happy to have another man’s child around. Her biological mom decided to give her to an adoption agency in L.A. in an effort to make things work with the new guy.
My mom was later adopted by my grandparents who in all adopted 12 children total. We have a large and very close family. My mother has never had any interest in meeting her bio parents.”
How Addiction Tore Their Family Apart
“There were lots of older adoptions in my family. Firstly, my mother, aunt, and uncle were all adopted. My mom was 7, my uncle was 4, and my aunt was 3. Their picture was placed in the newspaper: ‘Kids available!’ Luckily, a young wealthy couple, who had adopted one young girl, and had a son of their own already, read the newspaper that day. The three were lucky and adopted together, which is very unusual.
Before they were adopted, they lived on a reservation. They were the children of those with addiction and were abused physically. Growing up in their adopted family, trouble became apparent. Eventually, the parents split up. Their dad left them and their mom for a new woman. More trouble came. The three started partying, dropping out of school, and getting in trouble with the law. My mom got pregnant at age 20. She had my older sister. She got pregnant at 22 with me but continued to party and became an addict. We were in and out of foster homes.
One night, the police came and took us away forever. I remember that night. I was 4-years-old and crying in the police car, waiting around at the police station. After a few hours, my mom’s adoptive mother, my grandma, showed up with her biological son. They took us to their home where we had warm baths and fresh pajamas. We ended up living with her for four years. During this time, my mom had two more kids! They were both taken away. My little sister and my little brother were placed into a foster family. That foster family loved them both so much they adopted them. The two families wanted us siblings to remain in touch, so we would drive the whole hour (felt like an eternity) to go see them.
While all this was going on, my grandma had brought in social workers for my older sister and I. She believed that children need a mother and a father, so she looked to find us a family. I’m 8 when they do. The adoption process happens. I remember crying in the car as we left my grandma’s.
We’re suddenly in a new home. Everything’s different. My grandma was religious, but this family is not. There’s also a little brother. I went to a new school and had this whole new extended family. My sister did not transition well, she was miserable. The new parents did not deal with her well and exposed their flaring tempers. They would scream and scream in our faces, shaking us, and grabbing our faces so hard. I remember my sister once snuck chocolates from their room and I remember watching them shove the rest of the chocolates into her mouth and mashing them all over her face as she bawled, it was awful. They choked her once. They’d make us stay up all night doing chores, and if it wasn’t done ‘right’ they’d pull it apart and make us redo it, over and over. Finally, they couldn’t take it anymore and ‘unadopted’ my sister.
So now I was alone. I was really lonely and would cry a lot saying I missed my sister. They explained to me using my teddy bears that my sister was hogging their attention and now they would have more time for me. As time went on, I remained a miserable kid. That upset them and I’d be punished for not having enough fun. Finally, it came my turn – I was to be returned. I remember they had me sort through my things and leave everything they had ever bought me. Then came the social worker. Again, I remember leaving their house in someone’s car. I didn’t cry that time though.
When I left, I went straight back to my grandma’s. She later adopted my older sister and myself, so I’ve been adopted twice.
My mom has finally straightened her life out. She is about 14 years sober now I believe. She graduated college around age 40. The couple that gave us up had a baby girl after I left. I don’t know much about them since I obviously haven’t maintained contact. She once messaged me over Facebook but I didn’t respond.
My mom’s biological parents had other kids that they kept and maintained their bad lifestyles until dying of different cancers.”
“I Wanted Him To Have A Loving, Supportive Environment”
“My aunt and uncle adopted my son when he was born. I have it a lot better than most people. I can see and talk to him as much and whenever I want. He will know who I am and my reasons for the adoption, which are many. The most important reason for my choice is because I suffer from several mental illnesses due to childhood abuse. These illnesses are genetic.
I wanted him to have a loving, supportive environment, as well as the stability of both parents being present. I chose the two best people that I knew. They gave me time and room to change my mind, but it was not an option for me. This was 3 years ago, and he is smart, happy, and healthy. I sometimes grieve what I’ve given up. It will always hurt, but I do not regret it. I gave him the best life possible even though I wasn’t the one to provide it.”
She Would Have Never Been Able To Do It On Her Own
“My grandma had a kid from a previous marriage and then five more kids during her second marriage. Her husband, my grandpa, treated her first son so cruelly that she had to make the decision to put him up for adoption.
Had she chosen to leave my grandpa, she would have never been able to raise six kids on her own. In my opinion, that is one of the most courageous and sacrificial acts I could imagine. My grandma was a strong lady. If my grandma was being selfish, she would have allowed her child to grow up in that awful environment just so she wouldn’t have to go through the difficulty of letting another family raise him. She was courageous because no woman can easily give up their child to give them a better life.
I actually found out about how their first son when my mom invited me to his funeral a few years back. He was about 50 something when he passed. My mom says he was adopted by a religious family and that he had done pretty well in life. He ended up visiting my grandma often when he was older with kids. My mom said that she had a few conversations with him herself and thought he reminded her very much of my grandma.”
“A Very Abusive And Toxic Environment”
“My best friend had cancer when she was an infant. Her biological parents were teenagers and they just couldn’t afford her medical bills. Her parents got divorced and put her up for adoption when she was around 3 or 4 so someone who could afford to foot her medical bills could raise her.
My friend was adopted by a wealthy couple and was cancer-free a few years later. However, her adopted mom turned out to have a borderline personality disorder and she was raised in a very abusive and toxic environment.
She moved in with me when she turned 18 and instantly became a very well loved member of my family. She just got married and seems very happy now.”
A Family “Bush”
“I don’t have a family tree. It’s more of a family bush.
I was adopted at the age of 2 by my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather.
They had both been married previously, had kids in their first marriages, divorced and then married each other. They never had kids together.
My father’s father adopted my mother so legally, my parents were siblings, but never grew up with each other as such because my father lived with his biological mother his whole life. They met in late teen years, got married, got pregnant, divorced a few months later and then she was remarried by the time I was born. Five husbands by age 26, but she’s been with #5 for over 30 years now – just needed a husband twice her age.
I spent most of my first two years being raised by my grandparents, probably because of a few factors. I think she was too young and honestly not great at being able to handle a baby. Also, since the grandparents didn’t have any kids together and I was the only grandchild that is related to both sides of the family, I’m essentially a second generation son so they wanted to raise me and I believe forced her into the adoption. I’m sure there are some other reasons I’ve never found out and honestly, never really cared to know. My wife thinks it’s such an odd situation, but for me, it’s the only way I’ve even known it to be as I’ve always known I was adopted.
This means I’m the oldest (of my generation) and the youngest (of the kids my grandparents/adopted-parents raised). I was raised an only child but have several half-siblings. However, I was never raised with any of them and only saw them on rare occasions.
I grew up being around my mother, still see her a few times a year as I do my bio-dad. Not quite sure how different I’d have been if I’d have stayed with her or him, but I have a feeling it all turned out for the best.”
Uninhabitable Living Conditions
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“My wife was given up when she was 5 along with her 3-year-old brother and 2-year old sister. They were split up in the early ’80s and then finally reunited all in one room with their mother last year.
They were living in a beat-up van with all three kids sick and hungry and DFCS apparently forced the issue. The mother is living in a rural area of the Midwest and seems to have put her life back together albeit she is a bit kooky.
My wife bounced around foster care for a few years before being adopted. The brother was adopted immediately and the adoptive family didn’t want him to know, which he later figured out on his own. The sister has some problems due to being sick/hungry. However, the reunion went well. My wife found her sister first having only an unusually spelled first name. The brother was found with the help of distant relatives and old friends.”
“I Just Hope She Found A Loving Home…”
“A sister-in-law of mine had a crazy step-sister who had 3 kids with multiple fathers. She took okay care of two of them but absolutely hated the third and younger child. No reason, she just didn’t like her kid. The poor child was around 12 when I heard the story and was old enough to realize she wasn’t loved. The poor kid visited my sister-in-law regularly and one day she asked to live with her because no one in her house loved her. Whatever kindness my sister-in-law had shown her during her visits were far better than what she received at home with her mom.
The crazy mom approached my sister-in-law about keeping the child and my sister-in-law agreed but under one condition. Since the crazy mom had a history of changing her mind, my sister-in-law told her that if crazy mom changed her mind and asked for her kid back, the deal was off and my sister-in-law would not do this again as it wasn’t fair to my sister-in-law’s family or the poor child to bounce her back and forth between homes.
Well six months later, my crazy mom changes her mind and wanted her kid back and my sister-in-law told her okay, but that the deal was off. The crazy mom had her child for a few more months and then decided she wanted to get rid of her again. Last I heard, the poor child was living with her grandma, but at least this arrangement seemed permanent. I only met the girl once at a Christmas get together as I live accords the country. I just hope she found a loving home as she seemed like a sweet kid.”
A Sad Adoption Cycle
“When my mother was 14 or 15, she went out partying and came home to her dad, who was supposed to be away on work for 2 weeks at a time. He had got back early, her mother was at work at the slaughterhouse, and her siblings were inside. He beat her with his leather shoes and it wasn’t until she was at work that her cousin/neighbor saw the marks through her sheer blouse and called the cops. She was put with a family she knew (I believe it was a pastor, his wife, and a daughter who ended up tragically committing suicide later) and then into a group home. She became so uninvolved with her family that she still isn’t truly a part of it to this day. I had a really screwed up childhood/teenaged years because of how crazy her family was.
I was passed around through a bunch of different houses unofficially as a kid when times got tough. I’d be sent to live with friends, ‘relatives’ or actual relatives. Sometimes on ‘vacations’ to different places while stuff got sorted out. This was to prevent my sibling and I from starving.”
“She Seems Happy Now”
“I had a friend in college who was given up for adoption when she was 7. Her mom was very poor with a massive addiction and didn’t know who the father was. She doesn’t look at her mom negatively and is happy with her parents, who she loves and only explains that’s she’s adopted when people notice parents and her are different races.
The only thing that’s weird for her is that she has a biological older brother who was 18 when she was adopted that she keeps in contact with, and also has to explain when she’s asked how many siblings she has and why that number different from her siblings. She seems happy now and not messed up from being adopted when she was older.”