Dads are notorious for being extremely over-protective of their daughters, especially when it comes to dating. These hilarious stories of dad's messing with their girls' boyfriends are not only hilarious, but downright evil.
Fully Functional Civil War Cannon
“On the first date my eventual wife and I had, I dropped her off to find her former marine, retired FBI agent turned high school history teacher father in the front yard, cleaning the fully functional Civil War-era cannon, which he had turned to sort of aim at the driveway. I had actually gotten her home about 10 minutes early, spoiling his plan to set off a blank half charge as I pulled in, just to ‘make sure I was awake for the drive home.’ Awkward. That was 11 years ago, and my wife and I have been married for the last 6 of them. he likes me now, i think. I have since fired that cannon, so I know it’s functional” (source).
The Only Reason for Survival…
“I was dating a girl who’s father was a career army ranger. This is the guy who would be cleaning his high power sniper rifle in the back yard when I would come over. Always polite, but easily giving off the vibe of ‘I’ve killed men before. You would hardly be the first, but likely be the easiest.’ So they are all sitting down to dinner one night, and my girlfriend gets up, goes over, gives her dad a kiss on the cheek and says ‘Daddy, I am going to go upstairs and get washed up.’ Sitting across the table, I could very distinctly hear the voice of reason in my head.
Voice of reason: ‘Dude. don’t say it.’
Me: ‘Hey, that’s funny… I guess she calls you daddy too!’
Voice of Reason ‘NOOOOOOOOOO’
I maintain to this day that the only reason I survived that blunder is that I temporarily made her father so angry that he forgot how to kill” (source).
He did whaaat?
“When my dad met my boyfriend (whom she is now married to) for the first time, he answered the door butt naked like nothing was wrong” (source)
What a TREAT!
“My male friend had no dad living with them so he was the man of the house or whatever. His sister was bringing a boy round and he assumed it was her boyfriend. he is a fairly muscly guy and he planned for some reason to intimidate him by answering the door in just his boxers (I still don’t see the logic in this) and showing off his tattoos and generally asserting alpha status by not giving a f**k about even getting dressed. So the guy turns out to actually be her gay best friend. My friend wrenches the door open in his boxers and gruffly goes ‘You must be…’ only to be stopped mid-sentence as the the gay friend exclaims ‘Ooooh what a treat'” (source).
Cinnamon Body Wash
“My boyfriend had a mild cinnamon allergy which I told my parents about. My dad then proceeded to buy me a cinnamon body wash” (source).
Sure is hard to walk with a boner, huh?
“It was not the first time my boyfriend had met my father, by this point they had been fairly well acquainted. We had been dating for only a few months at the time. I was going to my parents’ house for a family gathering and took it upon myself to introduce my boyfriend to my extended family while they were all gathered at my house for graduation. Like the young fools we were, we had been making out heavily in his car shortly after arriving and were interrupted by a sharp tapping on the car window. It was my dad. Shamefully, we exited the vehicle and went inside. We were greeted by my extended family, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, basically the whole bunch. When all was said and done, we took a seat in the living room, and as everyone was getting settled, my dad says: ‘Sure is hard to walk with a boner, huh?’ My boyfriend’s face turns bright red, my mom gives my dad the death glare, my entire family is seated in this room, and I am speechless. I don’t even think he had been sporting an erection, or at least I hope not, and I certainly hope my dad wasn’t looking at my boyfriend’s dick. In any case, my poor boyfriend handled the situation quite well, and somehow managed to win the respect of my dad somewhere along the way” (source).
Public Restaurant Conversations
“My dad decided that it was a good idea to go into a public bathroom at the same time as my boyfriend and tell him he had a nice penis”(source).
Neutering Dogs and Cats
“My father-in-law is a veterinarian. When I started dating his daughter, he politely yet slyly asked me if I wanted to see how he neutered cats and dogs. Without skipping a beat out of fear, I told him I’d have her home by ten”(source).
“You gotta be tough, boy!”
“My father has a prosthetic leg. When my new boyfriend came over for the first time, my dad purposely wore long pants to cover the leg so my boyfriend had no idea that my dad had a prosthetic leg. While talking to my boyfriend, my dad eventually said to him ‘You gotta be tough!’ and stabbed his fake leg with a knife. He effectively scared the crap out of my boyfriend” (source).
It’s finally time.
ss
“So my uncle owns a dairy farm, and from the time my sister was 12, I remember my uncle asking my dad, ‘Is it time yet?’ This continued until my sister was about 17, which was when my dad finally answered yes to the question. About a week later, around the time of my little sister’s first date, this little package shows up in the morning. Being completely oblivious to my dads plan, I take this package to him and he gets this ear to ear grin on his face. A little later, he finds out that my little sister is going out on some date and that he is going to pick her up later. The mysterious grin returns. About 15 minutes before my sister is supposed to be picked up, my dad scurries out the front door with a hammer, a nail, and his package. After he hammers something to the front door he sprints back inside snickering manically. My dad pulls me aside and says take notes in case you ever have a daughter. We sit down where we have a clear view of who is coming to the front door, a few minutes later this boyfriend shows up. He walks right up to the door and pauses for about 5 seconds before turning around and sprinting away as fast as he could. My dad had nailed a mummified pair of bull’s balls (from my uncle’s dairy farm) to the front door with a note saying ‘LAST BOYFRIEND’ with an arrow pointing towards the mummified attributes” (source).
Digging a Grace
“The first time I met my current girlfriend’s father, he asked me if I didn’t mind getting my hands dirty. I replied, ‘Sure’ and he led me to the backyard. He told me he needed help digging up his garden. We start digging, the whole time we are chatting back and forth. We dug for almost an hour. He asks me, ‘Do you think you could fit in that hole?’ I say ‘Easy!’ Without missing a beat he replies, ‘Fantastic, now I won’t have to do this later if you’re an idiot.’ Took me a moment, but I realized that I had just dug my own grave” (source).
Lie Detector on the First Date
“My girlfriend’s father gave me a lie detector test the first time we met. It was basically a glorified electrical resistance tester, which meant that it worked on the principal that lying meant sweating, therefore less resistance for the current to flow from one hand to the other. Unfortunately, I was already extremely nervous about meeting him and sweating buckets already because it was July in Arkansas. So I picked up the wires and the thing went off. Her father glares at me and exclaims ‘Boy, you’re lying and you haven’t even said anything yet!'” (source).
Initialed Bullets
“My boyfriend was coming to meet the family for the very first time. My father takes him into the den, shows him all his military awards and gun collection. He then stands the young man in front of the gun case and asks asks him to choose his favorite gun. Boy chooses a Browning 30.06 with a scope. My father then goes to gun cabinet, opens drawer, sifts through boxes finds 30.06 ammo, goes to the desk, grabs a black Sharpie and casually asks him ‘What are your initials again?’ He then writes those initials very clearly onto a bullet before putting it back into the pack without saying a word…. Even though we haveThey have been married 10 years and have two kids, but my fatherdoes not hesitate to remind everyone he still has that bullet” (source).
Best Mood-killer Out There
“I was on the a travel softball team and my boyfriend came to a tournament with us. Usually parents would bunk with their own kids. I figured my dad, myself, my boyfriend, and my brother would share a room (assuming my boyfriend would sleep on the floor). Nope. Not only did my Dad have me sleep in a completely separate room but he tied himself to my boyfriend. My boyfriend literally slept on the floor next to my Dad’s bed with a string connected from his leg to my Dad’s arm” (source).
Scaredy Cat Date…
“My sister came back to the house with her prom date at about 3:30am. My dad had a hunting trip planned in the morning and he kept his guns in his bedroom closet. Sister and date were sitting at the kitchen table when my dad walks into the kitchen in full camo, unaware that they were in the kitchen as he had just woken up. As he’s walking into the kitchen he cocks the shotgun to empty the chamber. Upon hearing that, the date runs out of the house and doesn’t come back” (source).
A Very Successful Senior System Administrator
“I am a 5’11”, 250 pound father with both my arms and shoulders covered in full sleeve tattoos. Not to mention, I also constantly wear a wife-beater around the house. Whenever my daughters’ have a date pick them up from my house, I greet them at he door with a really strong handshake and whisper to them, “I’m not afraid of going back to prison.’ This always has them sh**ting their pants. In reality, I’m a pacifist and a very successful senior system administrator” (source).
Filet-o-Fish
“My boyfriend came over right after my dad went fishing. While maintaining eye contact, my dad proceeds to pull out a twelve inch knife and slowly filets the fish, all while looking my boyfriend dead in the eye. When finished, my dad whispers, ‘Next time, this’ll be you.’ My boyfriend almost peed his pants” (source).
Sharpening a Butcher’s Knife
“I dated a girl a couple years back and her parents had invited me to dinner at their house where I would be meeting her father for the first time. I ring the doorway and when the door opens, it was filled with three huge guys all of which at least twice my size and at least 6’2″. Turns out they were her uncles. When I proceeded to walk in, the three men stepped either to the right or the left to give me just enough room to walk by. Her dad called me into the kitchen where he was sharpening a larger than average butcher’s knife slowly and asked me questions while maintaining full eye contact for the five or ten minutes. Once in a while, he would just pause at times and silently stare me down. At one point he made sure to also subtly mention his rifle” (source).
The Importance of Using Protection
“When my prom date came to pick me up, my dad pulled him aside and started asking him about ‘protection,’ lecturing him on all the possibilities for sizes and colors that are available. After making my date exceptionally uncomfortable, my dad leaves and comes back with a variety of umbrellas for my date to choose from. He then stares him dead in the eye and says ‘What did you think we were talking about?!'” (source).
The Spiciest Food
“I was dating an Indian girl and her family invited me over for dinner. Before dinner, her father made a comment that in India, it is considered rude not to eat what the host served you. Then, he proceeded to load up my plate with the spiciest food I have ever tasted. About halfway through dinner, I’m covered in sweat and he just starts cracking up and told me that he made it all up” (source).