There are many amazing and beautiful ways to start a family (especially for those who are struggling with fertility issues). From adoption to choosing a donor, the most important part is that children are given the opportunity to be raised in healthy environments by people who truly love them. The Following AskReddit threads asked both donors and their children what it was like to finally meet/know about one another and if that changed anything for them.
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
Dysfunctional Families
“Seemingly, out of the blue, my mother told me I was the product of a sperm donor when I was about 12 or 13. She then told me I could never tell another soul, including my dad (he wasn’t the greatest) because while he knew the truth, he had never wanted me, he’d threatened to beat her into miscarriage, and reminding him about the truth would just rattle him and get us both into trouble. Ah, dysfunctional families. You can’t live with them, but wouldn’t physically exist without them.
Twenty-two is rough. I know so many people who found out as adults, and it seemed to be a lot harder when the person was already full-grown. As hard as it was for me at twelve, it gave me a lot of time to just sort of digest it in silence. What was the context of her spilling the beans? Was there a death in the family, or an argument or anything, or was it just out of nowhere?”
Making Some Extra Cash In College
“My cousin donated sperm while he was in college for some extra cash. He had his Bachelor’s of Arts at the time (which was a requirement) and was pulling the whole ‘broke grad student’ ordeal. The family who received the sperm got pregnant, called the donation center, and asked for my cousin’s info. They sent him a ‘Thank You’ basket with mini bottles of liquid courage, nice cheese, etc. They also invited him to the birth.
It has since been six years, and they are still in touch. The people who got the donation had been trying to get pregnant for 10 years, so they were ecstatic to finally get pregnant. They explained to their kid that my cousin was a ‘family friend,’ and they all go out to eat and such a few times a year. The kid is a carbon copy of my cousin, too.”
Result Of A Special Night
“I was the result of a ‘special night’ and grew up thinking that my mom’s then-husband was my father. When I was 12, I finally found out that he wasn’t (it was the best news of my life), and after years of curiosity, I finally met my biological dad when I was 17. It was kind of awkward for both of us but still fun. We hung out with my sister on that side and exchanged stories. We were all alike. We had similar music and food tastes, and we also had the same forgetfulness, and at one point, he gave me some advice.
When I was younger, I used to fantasize about having a secret ‘other family,’ and I had a bit of a suspicion (My mom and her ex had two daughters. While we were all kind of looked like my mom, they were all tan, blonde, and had faces that were a little plump, while I was brunette, skinny, had a bony face, and looked masculine for a girl.)
My mom never wanted to tell me, but on Thanksgiving, my stepdad was yelling at my mum, and I told him not to be a prick and he said, ‘Well, I guess it’s okay that you hate me because I’m not even your real dad.’ I told him I was glad (I had actually found out a year before all this because another family member had already let me know).”
The 2.0 Version Of Me
“I donated eggs to my gay male friends in my early 20s, and the resulting child is 16 now. I’ve met her a few times over the course of her life, have faithfully given her books and such things on birthdays and Christmas, and will be hosting her for a few days the spring without her parents. That will be something new for me and interesting since she’ll have nearly-adult opinions and perspectives for the first time.
The first time I met her, she was still a baby, and I was still in my early/ mid-20s. I had no maternal instincts, but she still pulled at my heartstrings a little because she had my eyes. I think I met her next when she was 6 and then 10. She had grown up knowing that I was her biological mother with a picture of me in her room since she was a kid, and she also knows which of her fathers was her biological one. Every time we’re together, lots of pictures are taken. For the most part, I’ve signed gifts and letters with ‘aunt’ since that’s the closest and easiest counterpart in this society to ‘bio-mom.’
Most of this time has been spent with me patiently waiting for her to grow up so that we can start to have real conversations (It’s like a lab project that you hope will eventually start being a friendship). We hung out for a while at her dad’s wedding when she was about 14 and that was pretty good. She now has my legs, as well as, my eyes, is awkward in party situations like I was at that age, and has a wholesome attitude toward school, parents, and her teenage years.
I could be jealous because her life’s been better than my early life. She grew up with more money, more love, and she inherited a lot of flexibility from her dad’s side that made her better at gymnastics than I ever will be at the circus. I joke about her being the 2.0 version of me, and it’s probably true. However, I have the years and the life experiences, which she doesn’t quite have yet, and that’s something I’d never want to have to earn from scratch all over again.”
Given The Opportunity
“When I signed on to be a sperm donor, I signed an agreement allowing my future progeny to contact me when they turned 18. In essence, I was prepared for a future where I would, at some point, meet my biological offspring. I never viewed them as my children (as I didn’t raise them).
However, that being said, I do think about them occasionally. I have no idea what they look like or what their names are. I know that one of them is at least 7 years old, and I think the oldest one is around 4 years old. When I was younger, I would joke around with my friends that I had enough for an ultimate frisbee team and nearly enough for a baseball team.
My girlfriend recently signed up to be an egg donor, and apparently, it’s now common for the egg donor and the parents to get acquainted with one another. The lady interviewing my girlfriend even said that one of the egg donors babysits the children she had donated (Granted it was the eggs she donated and not the children).
I’m a little jealous that female egg donors get to meet the parents and potentially the children, whereas I was never given that opportunity. I’m still confident that anyone who’s willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars to have a baby is willing to put in the effort to take good care of that child and that all I did was provide that superhuman sperm.”
Happy For Them
“I’ve done two altruistic egg donation cycles for strangers (one in Australia, and one in New Zealand) with three kids resulting. I wasn’t sure what it would feel like meeting the oldest child when he was a few weeks old and was kind of bracing myself for some irrational emotions. Instead, I remember feeling so happy to be sitting in this beautiful home, with this beautiful couple, who was going to do such a better job at raising this child than I ever could.
I also felt gratitude as I handed him back to the mother. I wasn’t the one who was going to have to face sleepless nights, diapers, and the responsibility of raising this brand new human while trying not to mess it up. I didn’t expect to feel so at peace with the decision to donate when actually meeting the kid, but I did.
I met him again, a couple of years later, when the mother was pregnant for the second time (they had frozen embryos for later). And once again, I was just so stoked to see what an awesome life and family this kid had. I was also in awe of the mother for being pregnant in her mid-40s with a 2-year-old in tow while being grateful that I wasn’t in her shoes.”
Feels More Like A Relative Than My Father
“I’m the child of a sperm donor. Through the ‘Donor Sibling Registry,’ I’ve connected with my half-siblings, some of whom I’m close with and some of which I’m not so much. I’ve met my donor briefly twice. He’s a lot like me, but he feels more like an uncle or an older cousin. We text a few times a year.”
Donar Siblings
“I’m currently connected with several of my children’s donor siblings. Originally, it was done through the ‘Sibling Registry.’
My son is the oldest sibling that I am aware of (at almost 5 years old), and my daughter is the youngest. Right now, we have a private Facebook group so that the parents can stay in touch, but we eventually plan on the children having the opportunity to meet their donor siblings.
My kids are going to meet one of their siblings soon but given their ages, we’re not going to get into detail on how they’re related.”
Doesn’t Change Anything
“After my real father died when I was 14, my mother told me about the whole sperm donor thing. My first thought was, ‘I could be a half-wizard.’ I know his medical history. So, why would I ruin the possibility of being a wizard for the opportunity to meet a middle-aged muggle? Also, I love my dad. He didn’t want me to know that he wasn’t my biological father because he was afraid that I wouldn’t think of him in the same way. Hence, why my mother waited until he was dead to tell me. She knew that I wouldn’t care.
In the unlikely event that he is, in any way, aware of what I am currently doing, I want him to know that it doesn’t matter to me. I wish I could have told him that.”
Feeling Content
“I found out I was a product of artificial insemination via a sperm donor when I was 18. I was raised by a man, who I will always consider to be my dad, but who is actually not related.
For curiosity sake, I have always wanted to meet my donor. Not necessarily for a relationship, but I just wanted to know where I came from biologically. I was able to request contact with my donor, and if he accepted, then we were allowed to meet. Unfortunately, he denied my offer, and honestly, it did make me feel much more upset than I thought it would.
I still have the best dad that I could’ve ever asked for, and I was able to connect with my biological half-brother instead (who came from the same donor and was actually born seven days after me). So, I am content.”
‘Mama Tribe’ Members
“I live in Australia where legally all sperm/egg donations are altruistic, and the children conceived this way have rights to their donor information once they turn 18.
I donated my eggs a little over 12 months ago, and I met my intended mother (IM) on an Australian Facebook page for couples who required egg donors where they could chat. Anyway, she lived near me, and we met up and hit it off. She’s now one of my best friends. I speak with her on a daily basis, and my friends are now her friends as well. Her son is 8-months-old, and I comment on pictures that she and her husband post pretty much daily. She’s in my ‘Mama Tribe,’ and I can’t imagine my life without her.
As far as her son goes, he looks a little bit like me. But for the most part, he is the spitting image of his dad. All of their family members know who I am, and how their son was conceived. It’s not weird or awkward in any way. My son calls her ‘aunty.’ I have another son on the way, and one day when all the kids are old enough, they will be told who they are to each other. However, as for now, they are all just friends.
I have zero maternal attachment to her son. In fact, the notion of him being my son physically repulses me. He’s just another good friend’s baby. They have one more embryo ‘on ice,’ and if needed, I would happily donate to them again.”
‘Parent Trap’ Moment
“A friend of mine from college had a younger brother who had gone to a day camp and ended up sitting next to a girl that looked exactly like him. It was like some weird ‘Parent Trap’ moment. He came back home and told his dad, ‘Hey, there’s this girl at my camp who looks like she could be my sister!’
His dad was like, ‘She probably is. I donated sperm some 12 years ago.’
If I recall correctly, this was news to their mom. They brought the girl to the house and were like: ‘Hey, this is your dad!’
They started calling her their half-sister. They couldn’t understand why their mom was so weirded out by the idea of having this girl in their house, who looked exactly like her husband, and was the same age as their son but wasn’t her actual child.”
Awkward Last Minute Father Figure
“My mom told me that my father was an anonymous donor when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I didn’t have a father figure until I was 10. I’m 24 now, and I recently had her get me the info that was available. It only had some brief family medical history and his career choice.
Though I am curious about mental health and think that it would be neat for me to meet him and my other siblings one day, I can’t say that I would ever go out of my way to meet him.
I wish things were different and that I didn’t know. I’m the only Filipino in our Caucasian family. I grew up being told that I was special when I’m not. I was constantly being asked if I was adopted, and I now have to have an awkward last minute father figure who already had three other kids.”
The DNA That Flows Through You
“Prior to using a sperm donor, we had to talk to a psychologist (who specializes in fertility issues), and this topic came up. Children are going to be naturally curious about where they came from, what all went into making them ‘them,’ and a part of that puzzle about ‘you’ does stem from the DNA that flows through you.
For my son, the sperm donor was just a biological donor, I will always be his dad, but I will understand if he wants to contact the donor in the future to learn just a little bit more about what makes him, well, him.”
No Medical History
“I’m 22. Two years ago, I found out that I am a sperm donor baby and that my mom was adopted, therefore, she is the only blood family that I have. Of course, blood doesn’t matter, and everyone is still family. However, the only thing that I don’t like about my situation is that I don’t have a family medical history.”