Adopted People Share Their “Nature Vs Nurture” Story They Discovered After Meeting Their Biological Family

What's stronger, nature or nurture? It's hard to tell where people get some of their traits, but these people, adopted as kids, make their cases.

The Music Was In The Blood

“I wasn’t adopted, but my dad was. He was adopted by the sweetest little Jewish couple – a scientist and a nurse. My dad loved his parents but had no interest in the sciences as a career. He dropped out of college to tour the country with his band in the ’70s and had a gold record by the time I was born in the mid-80s.

When I was eight years old, he found his birth family. Turns out his father was a musician who had a couple singles on the Billboard charts and owned a record store. On his mother’s side, his grandmother traveled the world singing, and his cousin was a very famous journalist and entertainer in the ’50s. Music is in his blood.”

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Like Mother, Like Son

“Welp, I’m an artist, fly by the seat of my pants type person. My family is definitely type A — my sister (who is blood to my parents) loved to make lists as a child, and then check things off the list. I have ADHD and dysthymia (mild depression).

Turns out, my birth mom is a fly by the seat of her pants type gal, who has dysthymia. We have the exact same hands.

My birth father has ADHD, and I’ve spoken with a few of my half-siblings, and I’d say at least half of them have ADHD. It’s cool talking with them on the phone because we are on the same wavelength, so it’s comfortable.

Getting to know the families of my birth parents has been a great lesson in many ways. I am a blend of nature and nurture, and it’s fascinating to figure out all the pieces.”

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Artists And Chefs In His Biological Family

“So, as a reference point, I’m 36 years old.

I was born in New York and adopted at birth. About eight years ago, we moved to Florida.

It was a private adoption, and no one but the now-deceased lawyer knew anything about my birth mother. My (adoptive) mom found all my baby stuff (cards, pictures, etc) and decided to give them to me a couple years ago. I ended up picking up enough details to eventually find my birth mother.

Turns out, she lives in the next town over from us in Florida. I was able to meet her and all my siblings within days of finding her.

Despite being raised never knowing each other, especially myself with no ties to them at all, my siblings and I are all musicians, all pursued culinary careers at one time or another, all have the same sense of humor and share the same interests. I was well loved by my adoptive family, and I love them, but I definitely always felt like the black sheep/odd one out as we had nothing in common.”

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A Solid Mix

“I always felt separate from my adoptive family. They are very religious conservatives, and I’ve always been liberal and ran from religion as soon as I got a library card. I spent most of my life feeling convinced that my biological family would understand me better, and daydreamed about finally feeling like I belonged.

When I met my biological family, I was excited to find out that my biological mother has a Ph.D. I have a Ph.D. as well, and my parents never understood why I didn’t stop schooling after getting my bachelor’s degree. They didn’t necessarily discourage me, but they definitely felt that I should have started looking for a husband and children in my mid-20s instead of working on a Ph.D. My birth mother is also liberal and nonreligious. It’s was amazing for a month, and then I realized that my biological mother isn’t particularly affectionate, loving, or reliable. I remember my car breaking down while I was out to visit her, calling her for help to pick me up, and being told that she couldn’t because she had plans. There were also several other instances when she stood me up, hid me from her family, and let me down in other hurtful ways.

I was hit with this amazing euphoric appreciation and love for my adopted family. We’re very different in a lot of ways, but we love each other unconditionally. I called my mom in the middle of the night half-way across the country to admit that my then-husband had been abusing me, and she got on a plane that night to help me escape. There is nothing in this world as comforting as knowing that I will never be alone, and that my family will always, always be there to support me- even when they don’t agree with me. We are there for each other, always.

I still have a relationship with my biological mother, but she is more like an acquaintance than a family member. I’m glad that I know her, but she isn’t and never will be my mom. It sucks that it took meeting my biological family to feel like I truly belong with my adoptive family, but I’m happy I got there eventually.”

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A Case For Nature Being A Strong Driver

“I was adopted at birth. I have met both of my birth families.

On my maternal side, both of my siblings have been in and out of jail, substances, homelessness, and never held a job. My birth mom is similar. Never had a real job, still lives in a hippie type commune, grows vegetables to sell at a fruit stand, uses food stamps to buy ingredients to bake pastries to sell at the same stand and lives off that money.

My paternal family is quite ‘well-to-do’ and highly educated. Birth father is an engineer, both of his siblings have upper management corporate jobs. Aunts are a successful photographer and a clothes designer/real estate agent. All have been activists. The only time any of them went to jail was for protesting in the ’70s.

My adoptive parents are an average middle-class family. My father worked a factory job and started a construction company. Mom stayed home with until I was seven years old, then worked at a factory. We lived in the suburbs. Dad hunted, fished, and went bowling a lot. Mom liked animals, especially cats, and if she had any hobbies, she never let me see her do them. She didn’t sew or cook or even like taking photos. Neither actually graduated high school. Both are far right when it comes to politics, and I know for sure my father was racist.

I grew up with a strong passion for photography, taught myself how to sew when I was nine years old, excelled in mathematics in school, but not in English. My friends growing up would call me a hippie peace freak, even though I grew up around hunting and fishing, I have never liked either. I had a mild wild streak when I was younger, but never enough to go to jail. I have a fairly good career in real estate and have never been a job hopper or unintentionally out of work. I would probably be considered moderate when it comes to politics, but lean to the left. I volunteer at a few different charities for homeless people and the LGBT community.

I do not have regular contact with any members of my birth families. They are all nice enough and I could probably really get along well with my paternal family, but I prefer to not deal with the drama that is always surrounding the maternal side. I see their occasional posts on Facebook, but I do not have the kind of relationship with any of them that would even warrant a phone call during the holidays, and none of them, even/especially my birth-mother probably could even tell you my birthday.

I think nature and genetics have played a big role in who I am, but not entirely. I believe some people’s brains are better suited or pick up some things easier than others. I did love finding out that my aunts were into the same type of arts I was into and way before I ever met them and it was interesting to see how much I was like them and how much my brain thought like my father’s without ever meeting him until I was 26. My adoptive parents couldn’t have helped me with my homework past fifth grade, but when I met my birth-father, we just had this weird thing. Like we just thought the same way. Within five minutes of meeting, we were finishing each other’s sentences and getting the same jokes. It was all very surreal.

You can take from it whatever you like, but I don’t think we are just a product of our upbringing.”

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Like Father, Like Son

“My parent’s divorced when I was three years old, so my memories of my biological dad are fuzzy at best. I remember he was tall and olive-skinned, wore gold chains, and spoke Italian.

My mom remarried shortly thereafter, and my step-dad quickly just became ‘dad.’ He was a quiet, very stoic, pensive military man. He loved sports and proving you through physical challenges. As a teenager, we never got along because I was only interested in music, video games, anime, and computers. He instilled a great sense of discipline in me, and honestly, without him, I can only imagine I’d have accomplished nothing in my life because I have always been a scatterbrain. He taught me how to stop and think about a situation and how to defend myself and use/clean weapons. As an adult, I now love hunting and sports.

I found out my biological dad had passed away from a heart-attack, and they sent me a lot of his stuff. I happened to get his PS1, a collection of Japanese role-playing games, a harmonica, and a guitar. Some of the games I actually played, and his favorite was Legend of Dragoon, which happened to be my favorite at the time.

Upon watching some old videos of my father, I realized we had the same laugh and sense of humor. Our voice was near identical. I was told that we both have a fast-paced speaking mannerism where we often never shut up. Never really met him, but had a lot in common with him.”

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The Same Taste In Food

“I was adopted when I was three days old, met my birth mom at 20, and birth dad at 25. Growing up, my family always teased me about how ‘obsessive’ I was with my closet (hanging everything by sleeve length/shirt type and then subcategories for color). My family just throws things in anywhere they fit and can’t figure out how I know when someone has touched stuff in my closet. The first time I walked in my birth mom’s house, she and all my birth siblings had closets organized exactly the same way.

I also got teased by my family for not liking the texture of tomatoes, then I met my birth dad and we had a cookout with hamburgers. I noted there were no tomatoes and was told it’s because everyone in the family hates the texture.”

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Sisters, Always

“My biological sister was placed for adoption at birth, and we met when she was in college and I was in middle school. We share some personality traits and mannerisms, but some of that can be attributed to the last 10 years we’ve spent together. What I find interesting are the little tidbits from our childhoods that are the same – we both always used to steal the pickles and olives off the relish trays before any holiday meals, we have the same favorite pizza toppings (pepperoni and black olives), we both wanted to be interior decorators (neither of us ended up doing that). Stuff like that. Other random coincidences – we lived six hours apart our whole lives but went to the same waterpark growing up, we even realized that we had been in the same small town at the same time in the middle of nowhere about a year before she found our family.”

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Encouraging Kids To Take After Their Birth Parents

“Two of my kids were adopted from a family member that I was close to in my childhood. They spent almost no time with their biological mother and father before we adopted them.

It still, over a decade later, surprises me when I see my kids make a face that looks exactly like their biological parents. I love seeing my kids develop those similarities to their birth parents. One of my kids is a skilled artist, and we found out that their biological father is also very talented artistically. One of my kids is opposite of me and has a natural inclination towards math and sciences, a trait they share with their birth mother.

I try to praise and build up those characteristics in hopes that my kids know not only how remarkable I find them but how amazing it is that they have that remaining link to their biology. Hopefully, if they ever choose to have relationships with their birth parents it will be an overwhelmingly positive experience for them because they’ll have a lifetime of positive reinforcement that their birth parents were interesting, dynamic people that they take after.”

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A Case For Nurture

“I joined my foster family when I was six months old. Adoption was finalized when I was two years old. I grew up in a close relationship with my older biological brother who is 18 months older than me, and also my little sister who is 13 months younger than me. My family also tried to adopt them but our birth mother fought hard.

I am First Nations and my adopted family are white. My sister grew up with our First Nations family. She was pregnant with her first child at 15. She is now 28 and has seven children. All of her kids are part of the system, the four youngest were all apprehended at the hospital. They all have multiple fathers. She lives on welfare, is an addict, is probably still homeless, has never had a job that I’m aware of, and didn’t finish school. She is the epitome of Native. I don’t even know her. I stopped communication around eight years ago, and I still don’t like her.

This is going to sound ‘gloat-y,’ but I suppose this is the nurture part.

I’m 29. I have a high school diploma, a full-time job, a new car, a home, credit cards, lines of credit, everything a regular functioning adult has. I do not have children; the universe kind of screwed me in that department. I’m working on it though.

My sister and I are close in age. We should be at the same point in our lives as each other. We should be accomplishing the same goals. But we are so different. She grew up ‘Native’ and I grew up ‘white.’ She lives her life in a way as so many other First Nations people do.

The First Nations runs in my blood. I have darker skin and a rounder face. I do have a small accent, but it’s hard to catch. I beat the stereotype. I pay taxes. I don’t get money from the government. If only my sister could have been blessed with the same, or another loving family, she might be in a better place, but that’s the nature. She didn’t get that chance and grew up the same way our birth mother did. Scattered and broken. The same way our grandparents lived, and before them even.

I guess I was lucky. I was raised with self-value. I made mistakes and learned from them. I had to work for what I wanted and had/have goals. I take pride in my home and my appearance. My sister has none of this.”

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Looking For Something In Common

“I’m 39 and was adopted as an infant. My family is amazing, and I love them so much, but I’ve always felt different and labeled as ‘rebellious.’

In the late-90s during Internet infancy, I put my info on an adoptee registry. Two years ago, my birth mother found my name and tracked me down on Facebook. Unfortunately, my biological father passed away a few months before she found me.

I have a half-sister from my birth mother who has four children, and also an aunt and some cousins on her side. I met my birth mother, aunt, and cousin last year. I have not traveled to meet my sister yet, but I plan to. I speak with my birth mother about every month. We live in different states. I text with my sister occasionally. Our lives are very different.

There haven’t been any revelations that we do or like the same things. My upbringing was drastically different than it would have been both socially and religiously. But, they are all very kind, sweet, understanding, GOOD people.

I always said I’d never had any expectations if I got to meet them, but I guess deep down I wanted to find someone like me. They’re not like me, but they’re awesome the way they are. In my case, nurture seems to be the winner. Because now I see the ways I am like my family, and I feel less different. It’s been a good experience for me.”

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A Good Mix

“I met my biological father when I was 24. I found out that I had a half-sister. She was 21. It was like meeting a 50-year-old version of myself and a version of me if I was born a girl. A lot of things about me that did not fit in with my community suddenly made sense. ‘Biodad’ was raised in the deep woods of baptist Appalachia and was an atheist punk when there was no hope of that being a good plan. I had done the same thing in the same place, much different than any of my family.

We are also clever about some things and dumb about others in many of the same ways. Same bad habits and obsessions. My sister and I both loved Hunter S. Thompson specifically and independently. We also have a remarkably congruent taste in music and a fantastically dark sense of humor. I had a great step-dad, who I’ll always think of as my real father, and I also see a lot of myself in him. I can’t say for sure, but I think it’s probably 60 percent nature and 40 percent nurture in my experience. Genetics are a remarkable thing, but one cannot discount the power of outside influence.”

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She Just Clicked With Her Biological Mom

“I was adopted at birth by a loving family. I love them, and they are Mom and Dad to me. Though I always felt a little out of place and my teen years were quite difficult, I have a good relationship with them. I was lucky enough to find my biological family a couple years ago, when I was 22 years old (I’ve been searching most of my life), just based on my Biomom’s name, which my adoptive mother mistakenly saw while signing papers.

After meeting with everyone, it became clear there were certain traits I definitely shared with them. I had the stubbornness and creativity of my father; we both hated school and marched to the beat of our own drum so to speak. I loved creating in any capacity. My Biomom seems to mirror me emotionally. It was weird, but meeting her seemed the most natural thing in the world. I was nervous and anxious leading up to the moment, but we hugged, and it was like we were old friends. Everything kind of clicked.

I take more after my adoptive parents in a lot of other ways. Work ethic and sense of humor are two standouts. It’s definitely a mix of nature and nurture.”

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The Biology Can Be Very Strong

“My adoptive family is proper and old-fashioned. I was always into weird stuff like scary movies, creepy art, metal music, lizards and snakes as pets, tattoos and piercings, etc. It was usually discouraged by my adoptive mom. Then I met my bio mom when I was 20, and it became obvious many of my interests stemmed from something biological. It was weird and also cool. My adoptive mom and bio mom met when I was 21, and they talked about my childhood. What I was like, what I was into, etc. My adoptive mom broke down into tears because she felt awful that she had tried to discourage me from so many things and that she never understood why I was so different when she had raised me from 3 months old. Some things are just inherent to a person and nurture will not always overcome nature.”

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Very Much Like Her Biological Family

“I have some idiosyncrasies that were seen as annoying to my adopted family. When I met my birth family, they had the same little weird personality traits. It made me realize that I was just who I was. It wasn’t good or bad, just me.

I also have an eclectic dress style, and I like to dye my hair red. I have been dying my hair red since I was 18 and I am 41 now. When I met my mom, I found out that she also dyes her hair red. I think it has to do with the pale skin and blue eyes, the red just as more flattering. My half-sister, even though she is a good foot shorter than me, had a lot of the same clothing in her closet that I did. We had picked out the same tops, sweaters, etc. It made me think that maybe certain aesthetics are biological. Maybe the way the cones of my eyes are shaped make certain colors more appealing. Maybe the way my brain is wired makes me respond to certain aesthetics differently.”

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One Major Difference

“I’m tall like my bio dad. Fat like my bio mom. My bio dad has ADD, as do I. My bio mom supposedly did well in school. I’m smart in some ways. We both love to read. That’s pretty much the similarities. I was raised to be afraid of everyone. Everyone was out to get me. So I’m terrified of a lot. People, crowds, etc. My dad taught me a lot about nature and science. That has carried on into my adult life. The big difference is that I adore kids. I was abused and neglected as a baby. My bio parents couldn’t have cared less about taking proper care of me. Even before I learned I was adopted, I loved little kids. Since I learned I was adopted, I became fiercely protective and maternal towards kids. I vow to never be like my bio parents. I think that’s me rather than how I was raised or my genetics.”

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