The time when you have to pretend to be angry when your kid does something that secretly impresses you is the WORST!
“Such a proud mom, I was!…”
“My 16 year old son and his buddies decided to call their dodgeball team ‘Snipe’ so that they could ‘accidentally’ stand in front of the whole school with their lettered t-shirts spelling out ‘Penis’. Such a proud mom, I was!”
“I’m proud of his cleverness…”
“My nine year old son called me into his room because he had a monster in his closet. I tell him he’s too old for that kind of thing and to go back to sleep. He pleads with me to check. I open the door and turn on the light, staring back at me is some scruffy looking thing with angry eyes and I scream. It was a mirror. I’m trying to see if I’m having a heart attack and he’s laughing his troll a** off. I’m proud of his cleverness but considered if he were too old to be left on someone’s doorstep.”
“My daughter was so angry that she ran up to the bully and…”
“In sixth grade, my daughter was friends with a boy who had a lot of feminine characteristics. My daughter initially got to know him because the rule in their school was that they had to remain at the table they sat at on the first day. This boy had no friends and had been sitting at the end of their table. Gradually, the girls got to know him and he was taken into their group. While many were accepting of him wearing pink clothes and nail polish, some were not. One day, I got a call from the disciplinary superintendent at the school. He said ‘Mrs. Potatoisafruit, I want to preface what I’m going to say by telling you that I am obligated to call about any situation where physical violence is involved (my heart sank), but that I am by no means encouraging you to punish your daughter.’ He went on to tell me that one of the boys known for bullying this particular young man had pushed him down a small flight of stairs at the school. My daughter was so angry that she ran up to the bully and kicked him as hard as she could in the shin. She did have to apologize to the boy she kicked. We did talk about never lashing out physically, no matter how angry we were. But I was so proud of her for defending her friend.”
“My son stuffed the weekly ballot box…”
“My sons teacher incentivizes the kids for participation/helpful behavior in the class. She used blank slips of paper, and hands them to the kids to write their names on and put them in the ballot box. My son realized there were no special marking on the ballots and it was just standard lined paper so he started submitted his name many times a day. My son stuffed the weekly ballot box for classroom prizes from the teacher for two or three months. Once she caught on to it, the teacher was upset about his dishonesty. I was impressed that a 6 year old outsmarted a 45 year old for weeks on end.”
“Classy Dad…”
“Oh god, the stories I could tell about my niece…When she was 3 or 4, she was visiting my parents and dad took her for a drive. Some douche cuts him off in traffic so he yells ‘cocks**ker!!’ out the window. About a block ahead (still behind the guy), he’s all most through the intersection, when he hears the back window roll down. A few seconds later and my niece sticks her fist out the window, starts shaking it at the car ahead and screams ‘cocks**ker!!!!’ as loud as she can. Classy Dad.”
“He dealt with bypassing Password protection…”
“I blocked YouTube on the iPad. I was a little worried my kid might see some stuff on YouTube not intended for a 5 year old. My 5 year old found a work-around by starting up Angry Birds, clicking on the Angry Birds Cartoons, then browsing to his favorite YouTuber using the Voice Search function. I have to say, that’s brighter than most adults I’ve seen. He dealt with bypassing Password protection and his own inability to write using the speech function. That’s amazing!”
“She told me that she was actually impressed…”
“When I was about four, my mom was getting hardwood floors put in. Apparently, the carpenter was making too much noise because I walked out of my room, put my hands on my hips & asked, ‘What is going on with all this f**king noise?’ He stopped mid hammer swing. My mom turned & stared at me. ‘What did you say?’ she asked. I sighed as though this conversation was beneath me. Then I said, ‘I said, ‘What is going on with all this f**king noise?” She explained to me that there are things we don’t say & sent me back to my room. Years later, she told me that she was actually impressed that I had used the word correctly.”
“Suddenly the fifth graders are flanked on their left and…”
“Stick wars. Third grade stick wars. The school had a strict policy against pretending to use guns and pretending to play soldier. My son was passionate about the military. The school was undergoing landscape renovations and had lots of giant dirt piles just off the playground. My son decides to initiate war games anyway. They find sticks that vaguely resemble guns. Various kids are various ranks. This kid was a corporal. That kid was a major. So on. They’d go on patrols. The first graders wanted to play but they were deemed too little. The fifth grades start picking on them. Sneaking up behind and smacking them with sticks. Making fun of them. And so on. My son gets tired of it. So. Being the colonel he recruits first graders and puts them through boot camp. They all become privates. They stage an assault on the fifth graders. My son leads a patrol directly into fifth grader territory. The fifth graders step up. My son yells, ‘ATAAAAAAACCK!!!’ and suddenly the fifth graders are flanked on their left and right by tons of kids hiding behind the dirt piles. The fifth graders start getting pelted with dirt clods while little kids run up smacking them with sticks. I had to have a big meeting. He explained all the details to me in front of the principal. So hard not to laugh.”
“My daughter is pretty awesome…”
“My daughter, 15, just took up boxing (actual boxing, not boxercise) for fun. On Sunday, when we were playing around sparring in the backyard, she caught me with a right hook that was hard enough to make me see stars for a couple minutes. I’m a 110kg guy, ex heavyweight. Was so impressed and full of love I was speechless. I think my silence was interpreted as rage, because she got very apologetic. Also she does special effects makeup that is gross enough to make people feel queasy. My daughter is pretty awesome.”
“He figured he could use the same method to create a…”
“I did not give birth to them, but I have raised my two nephews as my own, full time, for the past ten years, I’m almost twenty five now, they are fifteen and twelve, and I swear, they are both little scientists. My oldest built a rocket out of fireworks and remote control car parts for the science fair which he successfully launched into our corn field when he was in junior high, home made fart bombs (principal called on that one), countless Rube Goldberg machines which destroyed my kitchen, my husband’s study and workshop, then there was my youngest. His multiple baking soda volcanos which he figured he could use the same method to create a puking monster, his remote helicopter ‘flying fox’ bat, and passing out Harry Potter jelly beans at school on test day. I really love my boys.”
“You’re killin’ me, Smalls…”
“My five year old daughter has been getting grounded lately as a result of having bad bedtimes. One morning, she asked me what would happen if she kept getting grounded. She listened intently as I gave a long speech about how the longer you’re grounded, the worse the consequences are, and how eventually you won’t have any privileges left, and on and on and on. When I was done, she responded: ‘You’re killin’ me, Smalls.'”
“She had simply prerecorded herself…”
“I live with my dad and my 9 year old daughter. I sometimes go to the gym at night and tell my daughter to brush her teeth while I’m gone. When I get back she shows me a video on our tablet of her brushing her teeth as proof. A few days ago I realized that her hairstyle was slightly different in the video, and I figured out that she had simply prerecorded herself brushing her teeth in several different outfits. While I was fairly impressed at this, I kept a straight face and explained to her that when I was a kid, grandpa would beat me savagely with a set of jumper cables whenever I didn’t brush my teeth. Since then she’s been brushing several times a day on her own.”
“Don’t you want to grow up and be successful like me?…”
“One night my wife and I were having a discussion with our 10 yr old daughter about the importance of homework, education and her future. The subject came up because she was busted lying about her grades. I asked, ‘Don’t you want to grow up and be successful like me?’ Her response was, ‘Mom doesn’t do anything and she’s got it pretty good.'”
“I mean, you’re not wrong, but…”
“My 10 year old son swears periodically, but only in very appropriate ways. For example, we were reading the The Two Towers from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. We just finished the chapter on the fall of Isengard and closed the book for the night when he decided to comment. ‘Wow, Saruman is an a**hole’. I mean, you’re not wrong, but…”
“I was so happy that he could finally see…”
“My son was 2 years old when he got his first pair of eyeglasses. At first he resisted wearing them until he realized he could see properly for the first time in his life. A few days into wearing his glasses, I brought home a 5 pound bag of individually wrapped chocolates that I was planning on taking to the office in a few days. He had gone upstairs to his toyroom and he was being way too quiet for too long. I went up there and he was surrounded by wrappers, covered in chocolate. Half the bag was gone, and he was so proud of himself: ‘Mommy, I not need help to open them, so I not had to ask!”. It was the first time he had been able to see where to pull to open the wrappers. I was so happy that he could finally see that I couldn’t be angry. I had to tell him that he still needed to ask permission to take the candy, even if he didn’t need help opening it anymore. The punishment was his bellyache. Kid’s lactose intolerant.”
“So she grabs a Nerf hammer…”
“I have twins. The boy is a perfectly normal kid. The girl is developmentally delayed due to Autism. She doesn’t really know how to communicate. For example, if he wakes up first, he just yells at us to let him out of their room. If she wakes up first, she just sits quietly until someone comes in. Well, on their third birthday, they got a lot of sweet toys. The toys were in the living room so that it wasn’t a distraction at bedtime. The following morning, she woke up and wanted to play with her new dolls. But she didn’t know how to get our attention to open the door. But she knows her brother can get the door open. So she grabs a Nerf hammer (Thor’s from the Avengers). She then just starts beating her brother in the head with it until his cries sent me running into the room. As soon as I open the door, she drops the hammer and runs past me, laughing, straight to her new toys. Sociopathic maybe, but damn clever.”
“Stepson plants his feet and flips him the double…”
“I went to Walmart with my boys and some guy nearly backed over us in the parking lot. It was bad. Stepson was looking elsewhere and my hands were full with the baby, so I basically smashed him in the chest with the diaper bag to stop his forward movement. As he’s recovering his balance and realizing what happened, the guy is just staring at us like we materialized out of nowhere… And stepson plants his feet and flips him the double bird. Completely calm, confident, full eye contact, and he held it up there for a good three seconds. The kiddo is normally kind of shy with adults. It was like seeing a glimpse of the man he is going to become.”
“I bet you don’t have the nerve to kick me in the nuts…”
“When my daughter was 6, a boy in school was bullying her. He was confronting her one day, in front of his buddies, and said, ‘I bet you don’t have the nerve to kick me in the nuts.’ She did. We got a call from the school. My ex and I had to stifle laughter while making to the principal. We exploded once we were outside, then had to rein it in once we met up with our daughter. Heh. The kid who was bullying her left her alone after that.”
“Oh, so you have money for coffee?…”
“4 year old wanted to go to the zoo. I didn’t. I told him we would go to the park by the zoo, because that didn’t cost any money. Then I told him I wanted to get coffee first. His response? ‘Oh, so you have money for coffee?’ I was impressed with his very appropriate and timely response. By the way my kid tends to leave the zoo after 8 minutes. Just wanted to point that out.”
“She is now best friends with one of the boys…”
“My 8 year old girl was being bullied by two boys at her school. So she took them both down. Put one in a choke hold (briefly) and the other kid ran. Surprise b*tches, she’s being doing Brazilian jujitsu since she was five! Anyway she came home and told me she took both boys out. When I looked at her in astonishment she said ‘Don’t worry though! I did it on the grass and not the concrete!’ I was amused and h*lla impressed. A year later and she is now best friends with one of the boys. :D”
“It was both horrifying and hilarious…”
“Sh*t, I remembered the worst…My daughter loves to complement people. About a month ago we were in the mall with my other kids. I was in line getting food for everyone when my daughter ran up to me and yelled: ‘Daddy, I love your penis!’ It was both horrifying and hilarious, though I’m surprised I didn’t get arrested.”