Everyone has been on a bad date. With new apps, online dating has become the norm for finding love. However, meeting strangers from the internet for a date is always going to be gamble. Though most people are fairly normal, there's always those surprise weirdos who slip through the cracks and into our DM's. These Redditors share the weirdest first date they've ever been on. Content has been edited for clarity.
“This date was a pretty spectacularly bad…..I used it, I’m a fat ugly loser. I matched with a girl who wasn’t too shabby looking. We texted for a few days until we were both off from work. I picked her up, she was very cute. We went to dinner at a Japanese steak house, had a good time, and drank some sake. She suggested we go back to my place (woo!).
We stop by her apartment to get her car and she wants to get clothes. She follows me to my house and we make out in my driveway for a few and start to move towards the house. I’m excited that I was gunna get laid and all – it had been awhile.
So we are on my front porch and she goes ‘eew, what’s that’ and points to this baseball sized toad that hangs out on my porch. This is his second year being there. Anyway, I explain he’s cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for him to eat and stuff. She walks over to him, looks at me with intense eye contact, and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad.
Now at this point I was experiencing several emotions: shock, anger, rage. I shouted at her ‘What the heck?! Why’d you do that?’
She replied, ‘I wanted to make you mad so you’d bang me hard.’
I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get off of my property. She flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose, and she finally leaves only to show up 20 minutes later, topless on my deck in the backyard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the backyard.
The cops came. She cried her way out of trouble with them and left.”
“I Had No Idea People Could Be Like That”
“I matched with this guy. We talked for a little bit, and we didn’t really seem to have anything in common so I didn’t plan on going out with him. When I finally did decline, he threw a fit and pestered me, promising a lovely night out and to just ‘give him a chance.’ That should have been my first clue. Now, at this point in my life, I was admittedly very picky about guys I’d go out with, and this guy as well as my roommates encouraged me to just go because maybe I’m ‘missing out’ on nice people. Fine.
We go to sushi. No attraction. Nothing in common. Horrible conversation. Every time I tried to lead with a subject, he ended it.
‘What’s your favorite restaurant?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Do/did you play any sports?’
The conversation was a dead end at every turn. I had a terrible time, but the sushi was good though. I insisted I pay half the bill, and we walked out.
Then he GRABBED me by the arm, aggressively, insisting we go to Starbucks for coffee. I said no thank you, I just ate, I’m very full, I have a test tomorrow, whatever. But he literally overpowered me and pulled me in and sat us down at a table. Now I was freaked out.
We sat awkwardly, silently. I asked, ‘Are you getting coffee, or…?’
He smiled and said, ‘no, I don’t want any.’
I said, ‘Okay, so why are we he–‘ and he slipped his hand between my thighs, and swiped up my lady bits under the table! I was mortified and moved away.
I said, ‘I am going to go home now.’ I thank god I drove separately.
As I got to my car, he asked ‘so when can we go out again? I almost laughed at him, but I was polite because I’m a huge weenie. I said ‘Well, you’re very nice (which was a total lie), but we don’t have much in common and I didn’t really feel the chemistry, but thanks for showing me a new sushi restaur—‘
‘YOU STUPID WOMAN. YOU’RE JUST THE SAME AS ALL WOMEN. I THOUGH YOU WERE DIFFERENT. YOU DUMB BIMBO PIECE OF CRAP. FORGET YOU!’
I got in my car and left.
When I got home, I had many texts from him AND HIS ROOMMATE. From date guy, I got a lot of ‘Eff You’s’ and from the roommate I got a few angry/concerned ones like ‘My roommate came home really upset and angry. What did you do to him? You’re a hag.’
I literally had no idea people could be like that. It really soured my Tinder experience, but I had fun laughing at the texts with my own roommates.”
Don’t Bring Your Dog To The First Date
“I matched with a girl and we talked and flirted and eventually exchanged numbers. We texted for a few days, became Facebook friends, Skyped once, then made plans to hangout. She had a puppy that I told her to bring because puppies and she drove the hour to see me. She looked nothing like she did in any of her pictures or even when we Skyped. She was a different person and the puppy was just a piece of crap, untrained mutt. I tried to make the best of it, so we left to go buy some cookie dough and when we got back my roommate was outside, panting and super sweaty. I asked what he was doing and he said her dog ran out the door as soon as it was opened and he had been chasing it. I start freaking out at this point because I thought this girls dog had rain away and I didn’t know what to do but fortunately my roommate had caught her. He tells me I need to go inside and look in my room though and to not touch her dog cause it was covered in poop.
I walk inside and my entire apartment smelled like poop. The dog had jumped all over my couch and had gotten crap all over it. I go into my bedroom and the dog had crapped and rolled in it ALL OVER MY BED. At this point, I figured I was going to murder this dog and eat this catfish-er girl, but I realized it was easier to eat the dog and kill her. So I grab the 9 from the closet and… just kidding. But after seeing how destroyed my apartment was from this tiny animal, the girl started crying and got real upset and felt awful and I felt bad that she wasn’t having a good time. I mean, I did invite her to come over and do something with me, so we cleaned everything up and made the cookies and sat down and watched a movie. After things had calmed down long enough, she motions toward my bedroom and I follow. Her dog follows us, jumps back onto my bed and pees in the middle of it. I had literally no reaction at this point and just cleaned it the best I could. What happened next was the greatest head I had ever received. I’m not sure if she was trying to make up for everything, but dang this girl gave me 199%, I didn’t know what was going on. We passed out and she left around 9:00 the next morning. I haven’t spoken to her since. She had a real big butt too.”
Michigan Can’t Be That Great If This Guy’s From There
“I went on a date with this guy who I thought was pretty level-headed. We had dinner, coffee, and said our goodbyes. On the date, they consistently spoke about Michigan. Michigan is better than Chicago this way, the people in Michigan are so much nicer than the ones from your home state, we are the smartest in the nation, etc. The only times they broke away from the subject of Michigan was to talk about how inadequate I was with my career, health and love life. They even said, ‘I can tell you are trying to be funny, but it’s not working.’
Later that night, once they dropped me off they went on to text me saying, ‘Hey, I enjoyed our time together, but you’re a bit wider than I was expecting.’ I understood his comment and decided not to reply back. Twenty minutes later, I receive other texts from him saying, ‘It’s OK, though! I would love for you to get bigger. I want to help you gain as much weight as possible. I love dating fat people.’
To top it off, his last text was, ‘You’ll need all that fat when you move to Michigan.’
Forget you, Michigan.”
Well That Escalated Quickly
“My first date with this guy would have been his cat’s funeral, luckily I had the common sense not to take it that far. I had matched with a guy online and we began to be hitting it off, so I gave him my cell number. Of course, he became increasingly strange. He was telling me about his cat and how he was worried about her because she was very ill. Okay, I understand having a sick pet is sad. Then he began to tell me about their relationship and how she was always there for him. Yup, I’m close to my animals too that’s fine. But then he began discussing how he doesn’t know what to do if his cat dies, how he might kill himself unless I would be willing to take his cat’s place…Um no?
After that, I stopped talking to him. He then started messaging me furiously, he told me how his cat died and he needs me to talk him through this. I expressed my condolences and tried to shake him off. He proceeded to explain how we should meet at his cat’s funeral. I don’t respond, I didn’t intend on becoming a skin suit any time soon. His last text to me was an angry ramble describing in graphic detail how it was to EAT HIS CAT’S ASHES!! HE CONSUMED HIS CAT!”
She’s Absolutely Crazy
“First date was going well. She was way out of my league and seemed very much into me. Later, we back at my place, after dinner and making out on the couch a little.
We head into the bedroom and the clothes are coming off. Just as I’m about to slip it in, she says, ‘wait.’
‘You should know, I have cold sores…down there.’
‘No, I really do. And I’m in the middle of an outbreak.’
‘I’m not. Do you need a minute?’
Being fairly naïve, I reply, ‘Uh, yup.’
I go out to my porch and sit down on a chair. After a minute, I can hear her crying in my bedroom. She dresses and comes out. She asks me if I need time to think. I tell her that I do. We talk a little about other things, I drive her home and then spend the weekend completely torn up, weighing my options (‘Is she worth getting herpes over? You’ve only known her for six hours’).
Ultimately, I go out with her a few more times and it turns out, not only does she have the herp, but she’s absolutely crazy.
She talked about how she channeled spirits and went into fugue-type states where she’d seem normal but not remember any of what happened the whole evening prior. She had been burned before and was a very jealous, suspicious-type. I’d find her going through my trash, my email, my Facebook, my phone, everything, trying to find evidence that I was two-timing her. Of course, I wasn’t.
After giving her the ultimatum that she either stop going through my stuff or I call things off, she breaks it the next day and has a melt-down because she thinks I’m sleeping around with some casual friend I run into while we’re grocery shopping. Burned out, I call things off and tell her to get in the car because things are over and I’m driving her home.
In the car she asks if I’m serious, I tell her I am, and she blurts out, ‘then I don’t want to live any more.’
Before I can react, she opens my car door at 45mph and throws herself out.
I screech to a halt and run back to the spot she’s now laying, not moving and bloodied-up pretty well. A foot away from a guard rail that would’ve undoubtedly killed her, had she hit it. I lose my mind and keep calling her name. I’m having my first full-blown panic attack.
She stirs pretty quickly, stands up, and it’s clear she’s scuffed and bruised up pretty badly. Nothing hospital-worthy, but enough that she’s going to need some gauze and giant bandages and a few days rest.
I put her in the car and start calming down. I explain how she almost killed herself, she says she doesn’t care. I tell her I’m taking her home and I’m telling her mother what she did. With eyes as black as coal, she says to me, ‘I wouldn’t tell her that because I don’t want her to think you’re a liar’ like she’s going to deny everything I tell her mother about what happened. And who knows what else.
I get to her house, her mom is gone, so I end up staying with her, cleaning her wounds and sleeping on the couch while she recovers. We talk a lot and she gets back to reality and I leave later the following day, assured she’s back on planet Earth and that she’s going to get help.
I break up with her and I test negative for the herp. She comes back a bunch of times trying to get me back in her nutty life, but I stood strong, and now she’s engaged to some poor schmuck who’s probably got it.”
Yep, That’s Enough Tinder For Me
I met a guy from Tinder a few months ago. He seemed really normal. He was a responsible adult with a job who didn’t still live at home and was pretty good looking. He lived one town over in a fairly rural area, so we actually had some mutual acquaintances. So far, so good. He asked if I wanted to meet up at one of the two bars in town to get to know each other.
So, the night we’re supposed to meet, I get stuck picking up some slack at work for a clerk who claims she’s sick, but is really hungover. I texted him to let him know I was going to be about twenty minutes late. I found out pretty late in the day and knew he was probably either getting ready or on his way there, so I was extremely apologetic and offered to pick up the tab when I got there. He said no problem, he’d hang out and have a drink until I got there.
Fast forward to my rushing to get out of work, slapping on some makeup, and walking into the bar. I missed him at first. I had to do that awkward walk and search thing, but eventually I saw the guy. He looked just like his picture…only ten years older and 80 pounds heavier. He was sloppy, not dirty sloppy, but like…lolling his head around and really sweaty.
I figured whatever, I already came this far. Plus, I’m pretty sure he saw me. I pulled up a chair and got as far as ‘Hey, I’m S-‘ before he started yell talking.
‘GLAD YOU’RE HERE, GEEZ I’VE BEEN WAITING AWHILE. HAD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE DRINK HAHAHA.’
Okay, whatever. He was probably nervous and a little tipsy. Not the best first date in the world, but I could get through it. So I start to apologize again for being late and I swear to God, he cuts me off with:
‘LOOK IF WE’RE GONNA DO THIS THING, I NEED YOU TO BE ON TIME OKAY? I HATE WAITING.’
‘Okay, sure. Sorry, you know how work is.’
‘YEAH WHATEVER THAT’S WHY I QUIT MY BULLCRAP JOB. HEY YOU WANNA DRINK OR WHAT? I’M HAVING A JACK N COKE OR FIVE HAHAHAHAHA.’
I order a soda and he gets all defensive.
‘WHAT, YOU’RE TRYING TO GET OUTTA HERE SOON? THAT’S CRAP. I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS HEADED.’
It’s our first. freaking. date.
‘DON’T LEAD ME ON HERE, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS. EITHER WE’RE DOING THIS OR WE’RE NOT…HEY CAN I GET ANOTHER JACK N COKE?’
People were staring at us and he was waving the hand he was holding his drink with and spilling it EVERYWHERE. I’ve never done this before, but I literally pulled an ‘I gotta go to the bathroom’ and bailed.
And I’ve never been on another Tinder date. I can’t handle another first date where the guy gets so hammered before I even show and starts screaming about where the relationship is headed.”
They Had A Lot More In Common Than They Realized!
“I was having a wonderful Tinder experience shortly after I downloaded the app.
She was funny. She was cute. She laughed at my jokes.
I am a relatively shy guy, so it took me a few days before I finally asked for her number. I couldn’t have been more excited when she responded by giving me her number and telling me to ask her to dinner.
We go out to dinner and it was magical. We went out to sushi and laughed through the entire meal. We ended up sitting at the table for two hours. We talked about everything and anything.
We head back to her apartment to ‘watch a movie.’ Thank god I am a shy guy because we only ended up only making out for a bit.
At about 1:00 AM we head back out to the bars. The date was going so well that she invited me to go out and introduce our friends. I invited my friends. She invited hers.
We start doing shots and telling each other stories about our past and our families. I live in a large city, but my father is from a tiny little town. She lives in a large city, but her mother is from a tiny little town. The same town.
Long story short. Over shots, I discovered that I kissed my cousin. I have become a kissing cousin.”
“So last year after getting out of a horrible sort of relationship, I decided to try something casual and use Tinder. I got lots of responses, everything was going well. The dates were mostly lack luster and I figured I was just being too picky. So I decided ‘the next 5 people to ask me on a date get a yes!’
So the first guy I’m able to go on a date with wants me to drive into the city (45 minutes away), so we would has more stuff to do. Annoying, but sorta understandable as I’m in a suburb without much exciting things to do.
We meet, he looks like his pictures, we say hello, and he tells me that we’re gonna go play soccer in the park. Cool! I love sports. On the way, we start talking and asking questions about each other, and I’m getting the vibe we aren’t such a great match. I love to travel, he has 0 desire. He only likes obscure sports, I love them all. But hey, I’m here. Stick with it.
The entire time he talks about how he makes soooo much money and how embarrassing it is for his friend to only make $60,000 a year at his dream job. I make half of that. I would have left considering the love connection, or lack there of, but I figured I’d be polite until after lunch.
We head out and we arrive. Dollar taco. Which don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to splurge. But he looked me up and down and said ‘you gotta earn your meals first’ and gave me a creepy smile. Nope. I feign a fake phone call and have to leave, but he insists on walking me to my car.
We get there, and I try to shrug him off and get out but then…it happens.
He leans in for a kiss, but not just any kiss. Open mouth, tongue out. And as he leans in, his crotch brushes against my leg. Unfortunately for him, the soccer shorts didn’t conceal his raging hard on.
So I did what any caught off guard girl would do: I accidentally laughed in his mouth. Oops. I was too awkward to say anything and just got in the car and drove away.”
What Not To Say On A First Date
“I’ve had some pretty bad dates, but this one takes the cake. If you think this sounds unbelievable, I agree. I could not believe it as it was happening. He walked in out of the rain and with a dramatic flourish swept his fingers through his wet hair and inquired whether it looked good. Next, he asked me if I ever straighten my hair. When I replied that it takes over an hour to get my curls satisfactorily straight, he exclaimed that an hour everyday was nothing compared to the amount of time men have to spend at the gym to look good for women. He followed this up with a charming little story about how his mother and all women are unreasonable that culminated with, ‘But like my dad always says, ‘You can’t apply logic to women.”
Cue moment of awkward silence. ‘That’s…kind of misogynistic,’ I said, looking at him with increasing incredulity.
‘Yeah, but it’s funny!’ he exclaimed, laughing loudly at his own ‘joke.’
He continued this winning streak with, ‘Are you into fitness?’ Before I had a chance to answer, he looked me up and down and said, ‘Clearly not. I can help you get started if you want.’ At this point, I was more amused by the nearly unbelievable things coming out of his mouth than offended.
I think he could tell he was losing his audience because he stuck his hand in his pocket, whipped out a miniature Avengers-themed frisbee, one of those trinkets you get from a cereal packet, and slid it across the table. ‘Here, a gift for you. I didn’t want it.’
For some reason I hadn’t left yet, mostly because I wanted to hear what other amazing things he had to say. I knew it was going to make a good story later. He did not disappoint. He demanded to know how many guys I was talking to on Tinder, and said that he had deactivated his account so now I was the only girl he was talking to. When I said I was still talking to other guys because I’d only matched with him the day before, he insisted on seeing my phone. At this point I thought ‘eff it’ and showed him my matches. He started exclaiming that all my other matches were ugly compared to him and that he was beginning to doubt my taste in men. He told me that he used to be a model and that The New York Times had called him one of the hottest new models in the country. I expressed amazement that I had never heard of him before.
I explained that I grew up in a very conservative (bordering on cultish) religion and was homeschooled by fundamentalist parents. He raised his hand to his face dramatically. ‘Oh no! That means if we get married I’m gonna have to meet your weird parents!’ I took that as my cue and suddenly remembered my friends were having a study group I really wanted to attend. On our way out, he left me with this final gem. ‘If we keep seeing each other you’re not allowed to dye your hair again. I like blondes.’
‘Text me!’ He called as he walked off.
I still have the frisbee.”