Do you ever think back to the good times in your childhood, but then realize some of the things you used to do or be obsessed with, were extremely strange? These stories include those strange moments where the person came to the conclusion that how they used to act, was not normal behavior. But they are freakin' hilarious to read!
He Was Prepared For Any Intruder
“Between about 11 to 14 I had a crippling fear of being kidnapped while I was asleep so every night to bed I would wear the same pair of cargo shorts and in each pocket I had a cell phone, Brookstone brand multi-tool, a small LED flashlight, safety and survival flashcards and a small backup pocket knife in case my captors found my primary multi-tool.
I also wore a sweatshirt large enough to tuck my entire body into to prevent freezing to death in case I was locked in a freezer of some sort.”
Michael Jackson Was Waiting In His Closet?
“I watched Thriller when I was 5 or 6.
And for at least 10 years after that, I checked my bedroom closet every night to make sure zombie Michael Jackson wasn’t waiting inside for me. It started out of fear but at some point just became a weird habit.”
How His Urine Killed His Cat…
“I would stay up past my bedtime like the sly little guy I was. But living off fruit roll-ups and cherry coke had its downside. After an hour or two of staying up, I had to pee.
I feared if I used the toilet I would wake up my mother, who would punish me. So, I had to devise a plan. I looked around my room for something to piss in. Lightsaber? Robobot? Or my Steve Irwin survival kit, complete with a plastic knife and a canteen.
So for the next month or so I peed in the canteen and emptied it in the morning. Until one night after peeing in the canteen the cat snuck in my room and started clawing at my bed sheet. I knew trying to get it off would result in blood, so I opened the canteen and splashed at it. My cat got soaked in my urine and ran away. I cleaned the urine with a rag and dried off the cat. A couple days later the cat got sick and died. It was old so it may just have been it’s time, but still creepy.
Anyway, I stopped staying up after that.”
Barbie, Spice Girls, S Club 7…The NOSTALGIA Is REAL!
“I would make weird adult-like scenarios with my barbies.
For example, I would have Barbie and Ken get married but then Ken cheats on Barbie with another Barbie and gets her pregnant causing him to leave.
Also, my friends and I used to dress up like the Spice Girls and act out the Spice World movie. We did the same thing with S Club 7 and their various shows.”
How Tin Foil Would’ve Definitely Saved His Valuables In A Fire…
“I was constantly afraid of a fire starting in my house while I slept.
Every night before I went to bed I would take the things I valued most. I know there were some VHS tapes but apart from that I can’t remember, and I would wrap them in tin foil. I thought the tin foil would protect them from direct flames. I would then put them all in a backpack and set it in a certain spot so that when (not if) a fire started I could grab the bag and run.
Some things I didn’t use often just lived in the backpack wrapped in foil. Some of the things I would take out to use but I would always make sure to carefully wrap them up again and put them back in the backpack before I went to sleep.”
“Cinderella And Prince Charming Couldn’t Handle Barbie’s Shenanigans…”
“Ohhh yes. My ‘barbies’ (a general selection of Barbies and Barbie-sized dolls like an Ariel doll for ex) had drug problems and sex and all sorts of adult situations all the freaking time. It was downright dramatic.
I had three skippers so obviously, they were triplets. Well, one of the Skipper’s heads came off so of course my dad just slammed that dude right back down on the neck hole. She had a head again but was now shorter than her sisters so I dyed her hair red with watered down paint and she became the ‘rebel’ of the triplets.
She would sneak out, smoke, drink and had to live with her older sister for awhile. Then Cinderella and Prince Charming couldn’t handle her shenanigans any longer with a whole house of kids to look after.
Man I miss it.”
All The Stuffed Animals Got To Feel Special
“I used to have a number of stuffed animals, probably around fifty or so. I had names for all of them, and I wanted them all to feel special and sleep with me in my bed, as opposed to the closet but knew I couldn’t do it all at once. So, I rotated them in and out. One night, I’d have Tabitha, Woody, etc. Another night, I’d have Josephine, Alfredo, etc.
Every Christmas Eve, though, I invited them all to sleep with me. I didn’t want any one of them to feel excluded on such a magical night. I spent a few minutes each time putting my hand out to check and make sure I didn’t forget any behind the basket that I kept them in.
But yeah, seemed normal at the time. I guess it’s not extremely weird, but, you know, whatever. Good memory.”
The Boy Who Literally Narrated His Life
“When I was a kid, I would narrate my life in my head. Like it was a documentary or a retrospective show, just talking to myself in my head about my thoughts about the day, etc. I did this especially during long bus or car rides when I was bored (I was an only child and a bit of a loner).
I distinctly remember frequently starting off with either ‘It takes more muscles to frown than to smile but I didn’t care and was frowning today because…’ or ‘It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, and I was definitely smiling today because…’
I was such a nerd!”
Drugs For Santa And Going Blind?
“My sisters and I left ‘drugs’ (it was sugar) out for Santa one Christmas Eve. It was all cut up into lines and we rolled up a dollar bill and everything.
We also had a life-size cardboard cutout of Han Solo that we would sneak into each others’ rooms to scare the heck out each other when we entered. I also decided to be ‘blind’ one day and I tied a shirt around my eyes so I couldn’t see anything and tried to walk all the way around the outside of my house with a stick to guide me.
I got stuck by our water tank in the back yard and had no idea where I was and ended up giving up.”
That Was The Last Time That Girl Messed With Her Man…
“I was in day-care at the time (maybe 5 or 6) and had a crush on this guy named Max.
Well, so did this girl named Rebecca.
I obviously hated Rebecca.
So one day we were about to be released for recess or whatever and for some reason I had to wait before I went out to play with everyone else. There was this one bucket that I always played with at recess, I decorated it with my own stickers, everyone knew it was mine even though it was technically property of the day care.
When I finally got out to the playground, not only was Rebecca talking to MY Max, but she was also playing with MY bucket! I walked up behind her, grabbed the bucket, went into these little tee-pee things we had, peed in the bucket, then marched my little butt out and poured the pee on Rebecca’s head.
Then I burst into tears and my parents were called.”
Britney Spears Had A Big Influence On Her Life
“I had an inflatable pool and we had these fabric water balls that absorbed water and got bigger. This is early 2000’s Britney Spears era, and the windows are open.
My grandma is visiting, and she and my sister are in the living room by the window facing the backyard. I shove these balls in my swimsuit and begin sexy dancing, saying ‘I have breasts, I’m Britney Spears!! I’m a SLAAAVE for you! Uh uh, uh uh!’ I look at the window and my sister is laughing her butt off at me and my grandma has a ‘what, the HECK is this little Jezebel doing?!’ look on her face, and I freeze and sink into the pool…
I miss my grandma. Rest in peace. You were a wonderful woman for not saying anything about that. Jesus. I was freaking WEIRD. Still am, to be honest.”
Barbie Doll’s Ken And Tommy: A Brutal Ritual
“Like a lot of girls, I had Barbies. Not just Barbie herself, but Skipper and Kelly and Tommy….and a couple Kens. I had a specific checklist that had to be completed before I could actually do any playing.
Remove clothes from Ken dolls.
Tie each Ken’s arms behind his back. (I have no idea where I kept getting the string for this.)
Suspend Kens by their ankles from dresser drawer handles.
Tie Tommy’s arms behind his back.
Wrap Tommy’s face with string, until it was completely covered. Blindfolding wasn’t enough, his mouth and nose also had to be covered.
Balance Tommy across Kens’ arms.
After all this, I could start acting out little scenes with the Barbies and other female dolls. But the weirdest thing, to me, is that the tying-up part wasn’t part of the game. It wasn’t ‘playing,’ it was just something that had to be done before I could play. After I was done, I’d get the guys back down, untie them, and dress them. Then everyone went back into the storage box together.”
The Dalmatian Pawprints Apparently Correlate To Weasels?
“I had a 101 Dalmatians themed room and my mom had put pawprint stickers staggered up and down my dresser as if something had climbed up it.
I had a dream a weasel had climbed up my dresser and into the back of a drawer and lived there.
I had a difficult time differentiating dreams from reality at that age (once had a dream my mom was pregnant, but was too embarrassed to ask her and I expected her to have a baby until like a year went by and she never did) so I convinced myself the weasel really lived in my drawer and was absolutely terrified to open it to get clothes out.”
That’s One Way For A Real Estate Agent To Find Empty Houses To Sell
“When I was a kid I thought it would be cool to play real estate agent.
I went around all of the houses in my neighborhood on my bike and put scribbled letters that said ‘get out’ on them in each mailbox. I don’t even know how I thought this was real estate-y but this happened during the anthrax attacks scare and just after 9/11 so people in my town started to freak out and go on a manhunt for a supposed terrorist.
Ended up telling my grandma it was me and she took me to the police station so we could explain that I was just being a stupid 6 year old kid.”
She Went Through ALL Of The Phases!
“When I was a child (up to age four or five) I HATED being alone. This included going to the bathroom. I would not go to the bathroom without a chaperone. They would just hang out in the doorway with me, and I was less scared. At least I could wipe my own butt, though (my brother). ‘DAD! WIPE MY BUUTTTT!!!’ will never leave my head. That also meant I became afraid of pretty much everything:
-I was terrified of the dark. I couldn’t be in movie theaters. In a dimly lit room. Anything. I would just scream.
-It took me forever to get out of my perceptual stage. I was scared of the Muppets, anyone with an ugly face, I could go on. This went far better than when I entered my conceptual stage, however. When I watched an episode of Nova with my mother and learned that the sun would eventually explode and all life on earth would die, I cried NON-STOP for days.
-I told everyone in my first-grade class that Harry Potter was a real person and I knew him.
-I went through a ‘dark’ phase in grades 4/5/6. I called myself ‘goth’ but I really just wore black and drew on drugstore eyeliner poorly.
-I would pretend to meditate on the playground.
I’m a product of a poorly funded Midwestern education system and mentally ill/unfortunately lax parenting.”
Those Disc Rope Swings Caused Complete Embarrassment
“Oh lord. Um. So. My dad built a swing for me with a single rope and a round seat, rope going through the middle. Side detail, I (a female) liked to pretend to shave with popsicle sticks and shaving cream, and my mom regularly dressed me in stretchy pants.
So one day, for whatever reason, I put shaving cream all over my face in a beard shape, put on a raincoat, and I go to my backyard to swing. I’m twisting around, saying WHEE! And I go to get up, and my stretchy pants get stuck. So I shout for my mom, who comes outside and tries to stifle laughter as she takes in the scene, and my brother’s 12-year-old friend also comes to the backyard, looking for my brother.
So, she tries with all her might but can’t get me unstuck, and tells me, ‘Sweetie. You’re gonna have to take off your pants.’ DEAR GOD, NO. ‘Just cover up with the raincoat, it’s long enough!’
So I do so and for some reason continue to stand there while she attempts to free my pants, I think I was crying or something, and my brother’s friend is just watching silently, no emotion, just enthralled my child drama. (Side note, we lived in community housing with chainlink fence in our backyard, and there was a path that ran behind all the houses ) I hear noise and… a group of kids from my class walks by my backyard.
So my mom, brother’s friend, and kids from my elementary class witness me pantsless, crying, in a raincoat on a NOT rainy day with shaving cream on my face. I still have my brother’s friend on Facebook to this day; he got super hot and I’m hoping to god he doesn’t remember it.
Nobody in my class mentioned seeing me, so, maybe they didn’t recognize me.”
Thought She Was A Real Witch…And Was Pretty Convincing
“I have quite a few because I was a really weird kid.
Told my 2nd-grade class I was a witch… I could ‘cast spells’ on people in exchange for candy, so if little Susie wanted John to like her, I would cast a love spell for a snickers bar. If she didn’t like that brat, Kathy, I could cast a bad spell on Kathy.
Also told my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd-grade classmates that aliens are real and they visit earth to abduct us and perform experiments. I watched a ton of those old alien documentaries and shows.
We had to keep a weekly journal in 2nd grade detailing what we had done the previous weekend, and we bound it and gave it as a father’s day present at the end of the year. One entry was literally something like ‘We went to Costco [which is a wholesale retailer with tons of free food samples]. There was so much food. It was like a picnic. I ate so much and had so much fun.’
Another entry was how proud I was of myself for eating 5 slices of pizza in one day.
Also thought I could control the wind until I was like 9 or 10.
In spite of how weird I was, I’m a well-adjusted, productive, healthy adult now. I still love free samples from Costco/Sam’s tho!”
Her DOZENS Of Imaginary Friends…And Then Killed Them Off
“Most children have an imaginary friend or two. I had DOZENS. They were small enough that I could fit them all in my pockets, and they had a wide and weird variety of names. Flower, Climbatree, Don’t Put That in Your Mouth and JuJus Lessons, just to name a few. They were my world, and they never left my side. I would regularly put on plays with them, subjecting my parents, grandparents, and babysitters to lengthy sessions watching me react to lines they couldn’t hear. That was hardly the weirdest part though.
As I said, they could all fit in my pockets, but the space in my pockets did not grow alongside my arsenal of imaginary friends. Over time, my pockets became so crowded that a friend would occasionally fall out of my pocket, forcing my poor father to travel through parking lots and playgrounds, with the sobbing kid in tow, looking for minuscule, imaginary people. But that wasn’t the weirdest part.
It didn’t take many search and rescue missions for my father to develop a habit of running down the list of names making sure we had everybody.
‘Do you have Flower?’
And then, I guess one day, I just decided that I was getting too old for this imaginary friend business, and so I started phasing them out. Or rather, I started killing them off.
‘Do you have Flower?’ My father asked wearily as we crossed the Krogers parking lot.
‘What about Teapot?’
‘Oh no, Daddy. Didn’t you hear? The cat ate him yesterday.’ Said calmly, almost happily.
And then it just kind of went on like that for a few weeks. Some were lost to cars in Krogers parking lot, 3 got lost in the sandbox, the vacuum cleaner claimed a few, and our cat Jennyanydots took care of the rest. JuJus Lessons, with whom I had always bumped heads (he was a bit of a diva), was the last to go. That brat Lilly from preschool stepped on him.”
Wolverine Likes To Ride Shotgun?
“Like every child, I used to love riding shotgun with the window rolled down while sticking my arm out of the window. I used to do this thing where I would imagine I had very long Wolverine-like claws that I could control by opening and closing my hands.
As we drive by buildings, gas stations, shopping centers, schools, etc I would close my fist and ‘destroy’ them with my powerful claws. However, whenever we drove by a tree I would unclench my fist, causing my clause to instantaneously retract, because trees in my mind trees made air and, by product, we’re my friends.
Alternatively, I would also imagine I could shoot fireballs from my hands and do a fireball style drive by on the aforementioned establishments. Sometimes I would shoot them at the moon. I catch myself doing this from time to time when I’m outside and bored as heck.”
The Little Girl’s Mashed Potato Masterpiece
“One night at dinner I sculpted a woman out of mashed potatoes. She had red Spanish rice hair and a chicken skin bikini. She was reclined as though relaxing on a beach.
When it was time to clean up, I claimed that it would be wrong on several counts to throw away Mashed Potato Lady, and made several arguments about why she should be preserved. My mom, sensing a futile battle, allowed me to bag up Mashed Potato Lady on a paper plate and stow her in the freezer…
…where she ‘chilled’ for several years until we had to move. I tried to insist she was family and deserved to come to the new house with us, but somehow we came to the agreement that I could bury Mashed Potato Lady in the backyard, and this was, I guess, agreeable to me.
I got to dig a nice big hole and she was honored with a funeral attended by the whole family. Words were spoken at her gravesite. I was really proud of that sculpture…”