Sometimes, people get into bad situations where they don't feel the same as the other person... And sometimes, drastic times call for drastic measures, especially with these stories!
The Great Balcony Escape
“Freshmen year of college, my best friends lived in some high-rise, off-campus, apartments where all the fish went to party.
I was on the 5th floor which was the floor above my friends place making out with a guy in his room when I excused myself to go the bathroom. While I was gone I heard him bragging to his roommates about how he was about to ‘go to bone city’ and although I had had a lot to drink I knew it was time to escape.
So, upon leaving the restroom I made attempts to leave but this guy was incredibly handsy so I announced that I needed to go out on the balcony to get some fresh air.
As soon as I closed the door I climbed over the railing and amazingly managed to land semi-safely in the balcony below (I hit my head against the door and one of my feet kicked the railing below but otherwise unharmed). From there I ran straight through the next apartment and to my friend’s place for refuge. I never saw the 5th-floor guy again, nor have I ever again attempted a similar stunt because honestly, it’s a miracle I made it.”
Taking Their ‘Friendship’ To A Whole New Level
“This is a story of wingmanship more than turning down a night of ‘fun.’
Went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me–heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc.
My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a ‘c’est la vie’ shrug, but I felt bad.
I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improvised and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of wtf-ing after hearing me say that and introduced him as my partner. She gave us a sarcastic “oh, really?” look and asked us to prove it.
There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship.
We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said, ‘Wow, you guys don’t seem gay.’ Meanwhile, my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing jaw dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest.
Came outta there with a great story though.”
The T-Rex And Her Escape Success
“I was at a Halloween party dressed as a dinosaur bitten, bloody Dr. Ellie Sattler from Jurassic Park. I was a little too drunk and after awhile realized EVERYONE else had gone downtown and I was talking to this guy who, although nice and cute, I had NO intention of staying with. He was in all my classes and one of my friends was crushing on him hard.
But in my mind, the only option was to go along with him into his room.
He was nice, he had missed going out with all our friends, and was still pretty cute.
But as he stopped to use the bathroom, I yelled ‘OMG t-rex!’ and sprinted from his room, out the building, down the street until my friend picked me up.
He was super concerned that something terrible had happened, and all I could think was, thank god I got out of there alive!”
Her Best Friend Knows All The Excuses In The Book
“One of my best friends, who I’ve known since about the 7th grade is always my go-to guy when I need to get away from an unappealing guy/situation. He looks out for me as if I were his sister so, naturally…a quick ‘911’ text to his phone and I receive a phone call from my ‘father’ who is extremely pissed and wants me home right away.
Over time his excuses have gotten more and more creative: ‘I just ran over your cat! Why was it out of the god damn house?!?!’ ‘Your grandmother drank too much again and she’s running through the apartment building naked, go give her her robe,’ ‘Your brother is drowning in the pool, my beer is ice cold, get him out’ are a few of them.”
Progresso Soup To The Rescue!
“I pretended a dented can of Progresso chicken soup was more important.
This guy was trying to herd me back to his room and acting all A-type about it, as if he had the cat in the bag. He had his arm around me since I was drunk and it was a pretty tight grip, probably thinking he was helping me.
As we’re walking back he hollers to his buddies or basically anyone who passes and I’m looking for a way out; so when I see this dented can of Progresso soup laying around on the lawn I tap it with my foot and realize its full, then act like it’s the last piece of food on earth. I was thinking I could pretend I’m starving and insist on having this soup, so I took it and veered off yelling that I’m looking for a can opener.
He followed me into some random person’s dorm room that was open and eventually left when the new guy and I both split open the soup and shared it.
Saved by Progresso!
The Party Upstairs And The Preoccupied Girl
“I was in my first year at a large New England state school and that winter there was an epic snowball fight that spread from the party at my friend’s dorm to the next dorm over to the whole school to a mob of college students marching on a similarly named school a mile away and barraging them.
I was tipsy when I started, and nipping from a flask the whole time, so by the time we got bored and I found my way onto a bus back I was really drunk (tho still functional). Girl next to me on the bus starts chatting me up, and she’s got a nice face and lo and behold she gets off at the same stop and we walk together…and then wouldn’t you know it? She is going to the same dorm!
I’m drunk enough that by now I’m essentially operating on autopilot; TBH I don’t remember much about how we ended up in her room, but I sobered up real quick when she took off her jacket…there was way too much girl there for me!
She sat down on the bed, the conversation got quieter, and I frantically began to calculate how to get out of this situation…then it dawns on me: I came from a party!
Out of nowhere, I pipe up: ‘Hey, did you know there’s an awesome party upstairs? Come on, you’ll love it! I’ll introduce you to everybody.’ I lead her upstairs to the party, introduce her to the first three people I see, and the moment she’s preoccupied enough introductions to take her eyes off me I’m gone. Never saw her again.”
The Clingy Dude At The Club
“I’ve done my fair amount of simply bolting, but the best was probably when I was in a club and this guy wouldn’t leave me be.
The dude stood outside the bathrooms when I pretended I had to go to the toilet.
Eventually, I had a plan… I told him I had to find my friend to let her know I was leaving with him. He got really excited and started walking through the crowds ahead of me holding my hand trying to find her.
I ‘accidentally’ lost grip of his hand, but made sure to let him know I was still there when he turned around to check on me… Then he turned around to start heading through the crowd again. I ducked through the dancing people. Made my way downstairs as quick as my stilettos would carry me and broke free into the cold night air. I was fairly drunk so I decided to run home.
Then I had some toast. I love toast.”
“I Was Born A Boy”
“I’m actually kind of ashamed of this story but it’s too funny not to share.
I was out drinking and smoking with a few friends. I have very little tolerance for that type of thing because I don’t do it often. Well, one of the guys there took a liking to me, and I did to him. I was actually really looking forward to hooking up with him when we got back.
That changed however when we actually went back and I realized how screwed up I was.
We did start to make out though but when the time came to actually do the deed I looked at him, said ‘I was born a boy’ (first lie I could come up with) and left the room while he looked at me with confusion written all across his face. I saw him the next day and he couldn’t quite make eye contact with me. I still think it’s quite funny but I never did tell him that that was a bold-faced lie.”
Hide-And-Go-Seek Prepared Him For This Moment
“Last year I got pretty slammed at the bar with a group of friends. Well, drunk me decided to bring this girl back to my apartment. Now not to be mean but this chick was a little bit bigger and I’m not into big girls. When sober.
Well, I sober up after making out with her and she says she has to go to the bathroom. I take this as my opportunity and hide inside my walk-in closet by piling clothes on myself. ET style. I hear her come out of the bathroom and into my room.
She starts calling my phone repeatedly for 10-15 minutes and then OPENS THE DAMN CLOSET.
Years of hide-and-go-seek had prepared me for this, however, and I went undetected. I feel pretty bad now looking back because I know it hurt her feelings but I felt I had no other choice.”
The Best Ending To “Got Out Of It”: You Don’t Wanna Catch His Cold
“Back in college, I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober self is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she really wanted to be with me.
Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made my eyes water and my nose run and I said, ‘I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch.
Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.’
I gave her my phone number and she thought that was so sweet she passed out with her head on my lap. Three days later before class, she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a jerk. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.”
‘My Boyfriend Is Jesus’
“It didn’t exactly make it to the point where I was avoiding him, more just turning down his advances, but it seems relevant enough.
I was only 16 at the time and was with my friend at a one-day music festival. We were hanging out in this teepee seating area briefly waiting for the next show we wanted to go to when this 25ish-year-old guy with a weird vibe starts chatting us up. We took this as our cue to go get spots for the concert and he decides he’s going to accompany us. We reluctantly let him follow, thinking we could lose him in the crowd on our way.
Naturally, he stays glued to us and once the show starts he repeatedly tries to grind up on me. I tell him several times that I have a boyfriend (which was true) and wasn’t interested but it wasn’t enough to get him away.
Eventually he said something along the lines of, ‘Well I don’t see him here, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,’ to which I responded, ‘My boyfriend is Jesus,’ and looked lovingly up to the sky, ‘he is omnipresent and he is ALWAYS watching,’ all with a weirdly serene smile on my face.
I don’t know whether he finally took the hint or was just that creeped out, but he finally left after that. I got high fives from several people around us who witnessed the interaction.”
The Spongebob Song That Saved The Day
“Well, it’s an odd situation. Backstory, I dated this girl who was maybe a 4 or 5 out of 10 (10 being hot, 1 being gross) and we broke up in 2007.
I hadn’t seen her after we broke up, as we went to different high schools.
Two years later, we’re seniors in high school and things have changed. I’m not as heavy as I was, and I wasn’t trying to be a gangster/thug anymore and she had (unbeknownst to me) gained a lot of weight.
Okay, so she comes over to my house and we’re in my room alone but I can’t get over the fact that she went from being 115 lbs to 360 lbs (according to her, in her desperate attention-seeking texts later that night) in two years. She’s really TRYING To get with me, with subtle hints here and there until ultimately I’m thinking that I just have to ruin this scenario somehow.
So I put on the Spongebob Squarepants Movie. This still isn’t phasing her completely, and she goes for the belt. In a panic, I recognize the scene that’s about to happen and I start singing as obnoxiously as I can. ‘I’M A GOOFY GOOBER!’ I sang in an incredibly shrill, shrieking voice (think Axl Rose circa 2002), as I’m flailing around like a fish.
She just sat there pouting and said that she had to go before the movie ended.”
Disney May No Longer Be The Happiest Place On Earth
“I broke up with her at Disneyland.
We had a jazz festival in Anaheim and I had just lost a ton of weight so a few days before the festival I asked out the first girl who told me she liked me (shameful, I know). Baaaaaad idea. I decided to break up with her the day before we left for Disneyland, but I didn’t want to ruin her trip so I decided to avoid her the entire time.
She found me though, at the end of the trip during the award ceremony. Anyways, she starts groping my thigh and grabbing me during the ceremony, I wasn’t too into her but I was a typical teenager. So after the ceremony, she finds this bush in Downtown Disney and we start making out and she lays down, starts unzipping her pants and says, ‘just go with it.’ At which point I am like woah nooo I want to go to college I don’t want to get expelled for getting it on at Disneyland and get banned from seeing world of color and all those other terrible things that come along with getting with someone at Disneyland, so I pulled her up and said, ‘you’ll thank me later.’
Then I broke up with her, at the happiest place on earth. LOL!”
A Win-Win Situation For The Kitten And Myself
“Agreed to adopt/foster a sick kitten from a friend who works at the SPCA so as to get a super clingy one-night-stand to leave my apartment.
The guy knew I wasn’t working that afternoon and had been going on about how we were going to spend the day together (which was in bed, apparently). This was between taking long inhales of my hair and whispering in my ear that it had been ‘so long since [he’d] held a woman’ (and other such choice phrases).
I was so frantic to get him out that when my friend called with her kitty-plight, I accepted immediately, despite having no desire to own a cat. Sorry guy – I’m saving a kitten’s life! There’s so much to do around here! I’m going to need to cat-proof the apartment, talk to my roommate… um… buy cat necessities…? It worked! He left (and flew back home the next day)! / I got a kitten!”
Wing-Manning At Its Finest
“I made out with a gay guy at the party to avoid having to jump on a large, powerful grenade for a buddy so he could get the much hotter chick who brought the grenade to the party. This ‘grenade’ I’m talking about wasn’t just physically unattractive but also was completely devoid of any form of intelligent thought whatsoever. I mean come on, if you’re ugly on the outside you have to be beautiful on the inside to make up for it, you can’t be a complete idiot like the stereotypical ‘hot chicks.’
Ended up sleeping with the hotter chick after the grenade left and explaining that I’m ‘bisexual.’ Hah. HAH. HAHAHAHA. My friend was butthurt for all of ten seconds about it, he ended up sleeping with the hot girl’s two slightly less attractive but still 7-8/10 friends. At the same time.
I wingman for $25 an hour or 2 drinks per hour, if anyone is interested. Discounts up to 50% when the combat zone is grenade-free. Free if I fail.”
The Fake ‘Call Me’ App Does Wonders
“I used a phone app called ‘fake call me.’
Ended up going home with this girl after having a few too many beers. The walk to her place was…sobering (30 min walk in ice cold conditions). Once we got to her place and she turned her lights on I regretted it instantly (had a face that looked like a bucket full of smashed crabs…). She said she had to quickly clean up her room, in the few minutes it took her to do that I set the fake call app to call me in 5 minutes.
Right as she walked out of her room in nothing but her underwear, my phone goes off, I pick up, act like I’m talking to a friend whose gotten into some trouble and I need to get moving, immediately…
Never saw or spoke to her again (thankfully).”
The Girl Who Was A Cheek Biter
“I’m at a bar with two friends who are dating. We’re drinking a lot, all evening. We are there to see a band that one of my friends, likes, which was pretty good but irrelevant.
At about 12:30 or about an hour and a half before closing an obese and obnoxious blonde woman wonders in and walks right up to me and my friends at the bar. We welcome her, we are all drunk and happy. But my friend and his girlfriend stick to each other. I walk over to the wall for a moment to read some posters (they post the bands that will be playing there in the coming weeks and months). and I turn around and she’s right on me. She says, ‘I want you so bad.’
Now I’m not attracted to her and about 100 pounds lighter than her, which would be reason enough to not react as well as is possible, but also socially awkward. She goes to kiss me and I turn my head away, to show I’m not interested.
She bites my cheek.
I completely panic. I want to be as charitable to this person as possible because not only was she obviously wasted, but so was I. Maybe I sent signals. I don’t know. All I know is that I found my cheek in someone’s mouth and just freaking panicked. I ran to the bathroom, and according to my friends, she followed me.
I got on the urinal and called my friends at the bar. I was literally screaming that we had to get the heck out of here right now. I got in the car and our DD got to listen to me scream like a girl all the way home about ‘she bit my freaking cheek!’ It’s an amusing story, but it’s easily the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me while drunk.”
Ironic Headache Turned Lyme Disease
“Faked a headache for two weeks. She was my boss and I lost interest after the second time we stayed together.
I called out from work for a week to back up my story, and she took me to my doctor’s office to try to call my bluff. A week later I got a call from them stating that I had Lyme’s Disease. Effects of Lyme’s include disinterest in pretty much anything. I quit the job, broke up with the girl, and got better.
Why He Spent The Night In The Library
“A girl in my roommate’s dorm forced him to walk her home and then alleged not to have a key to her room. She then pulled him into his bed and tried to get things going in a hurry.
He got up, claiming he had to go to the bathroom, grabbed a hoodie, and walked 20 minutes to the library, where he slept for the rest of the night on the ground because the room with the lounge chairs was closed.
He got dozens of calls and texts from her, but never heard from her again after that night.”
The Girl That Invited Herself Over
“In college, my friends and I went to a party and I was the DD. We get there and everyone’s having a good time, and this drunken girl comes up to me and starts talking. She’s not ugly, but she’s not hot.
Anyways, she keeps talking and talking to me, and eventually asks if she can come home with me. I said ‘no.’ The story should be over there, right? Well, she immediately turns to one of the girls that I came with (who was standing right next to me) and asks HER if she can come home with us. Her being a girl, she said ‘sure, why not?!’ Ugh.
When it was time to go, my one friend and I tried to dip out of the party and get to the car before the girl would notice, but when we got to my car, the girl and the girls we came with were already there. Ugh. So, we stop at Taco Bell, go back home, pass around some trees, and try to have a good time.
The girl kept sitting on my lap and whatnot, all while I’m pretty much ignoring her.
Eventually, she whispers into my ear that she’s going to bed and that I should join her. I nod, she walks off, and I continue to party with my friends. A little while later, after some people left, my roommates and I crept up to my room and see her passed out in my bed half-naked.
Normally, this would be a perfect situation, but I am really turned off by girls who throw themselves at me like that, so I wanted nothing to do with her. Instead, my roommates and I took turns throwing things at her to see if she’d wake up. Nope.
Finally, I shake her up and say that she has to go sleep on the couch. I give her a sweatshirt, some water, make her a comfy place to sleep, and then go to sleep myself.
When I woke up she was gone.
Girls are crazy!”
He ‘Grilled’ Her Invitation To Come Over
“Ditched her for a grilled cheese sandwich.
Met this girl the week before and she was good looking. The next week she was out with no makeup and just really dressed down. Kept flirting with me at the bars, invites me back to her place. I decline claiming, ‘Nah gotta get me a grilled cheese. See ya.’
In my defense, it was a good grilled cheese from a place that serves after bar close.”