The lies our parents tell us while growing up, are actually so funny to think about now. How did they even come up with some of their excuses, tricks, or false information?
A Pet That Got To See The World
“When I was a kid, I had a hamster named Digiorno. I came home from school one day to find my him gone and a letter addressed to me leaning against his cage.
It was a letter from my hamster telling me that he wanted to travel and that he was on his way to Paris. I continued to receive letters from him telling me all about the adventures he was on and the places he was seeing, including hand-drawn pictures.
It went on for a few weeks before I called my mom out. I give her an A for effort.”
The “Toy Library”
“My mom had me convinced that the toy store was where you played with toys, and then left them there, like a toy library. I had to leave the toys for other kids to play with. She took me after every shopping trip if I was good. Then if I was good after the toy store, I got a Rolo. I never threw a tantrum while shopping.”
Cheapskate Aunt Strikes Again
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“When I was young my Aunt took me to the dollar store for my birthday and told me she would buy me whatever 5 things I wanted. I was so excited and picked out the coolest things, and asked her if they were too expensive. She would reply saying that she loved me so much the price didn’t matter.
Now that I look back on it, it’s a good idea…but my aunt was also very cheap.”
How Mom Tided Him Through ‘The Lacoste Shirt Phase’
“When I was a little kid (4 years old or so) I was obsessed with Lacoste polos and that’s all I wanted to wear.
My mom had bought me one, but they were very expensive so she didn’t buy me more. I refused to wear anything else though, so she had the idea to take her brother’s old Lacoste shirts, unstitch the alligator and put them on generic (cheap) collared shirts.
I happily wore my collection of Lacoste shirts. It wasn’t until much later in life when looking through old photo albums that I saw a pic of me in a Lacoste shirt and realized that the alligator was about 3 times the size it should have been on a little kids shirt…”
‘How Mom Made Me Despise Squirrels For The Rest Of My Life’
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“When my brother was four or five, he was still using a pacifier or ‘binky’ as he called it. My parents, seeing how it was a little weird for their child to still be using a pacifier, cut up all the pacifiers in the house.
My brother was wrecked and in the midst of his binky withdrawal, he asked my mom what happened.
She told him the squirrels in our yard got into the house and chewed up his pacifier. For the next year, my brother could often be seen out in our front lawn yelling at the squirrels for taking his binky’s.
He has hated squirrels and all small animals since then and never understood why.”
‘Why We Would Go ‘Indoor Camping”
“My mom, a few times when my brothers and I were young, would ‘turn’ all the lights off in the house. She would tell us to go get our sleeping bags and bring them in the living room while she put a couple of tents together. She then would get candles and put them in a small pile and call it a fire. This little maneuver was called ‘camping inside.’ We weren’t allowed to watch tv or play any video games because we were camping. She read us goosebumps stories and we played flashlight tag. It was always fun.
Cut to when I was first starting out in the world. I was having financial trouble and was consoling in my mom for comfort. She told me that she’s been down that road and you will always pull through.
I asked her to explain. She said that when we were younger, sometimes she couldn’t afford to pay the power bill and that when it was apparent that it would be shut off, then she knew it was time to go ‘indoor camping.’ She did that so that none of us would ever worry or think that we wouldn’t be okay.
Made me smile. I love my mom.”
I Knew Something Was Different About Her
“I used to have a cat when I was about three, named Sia, and I loved her. She was a Siamese-looking cat and I had her for like two years. When I was five, she got really sick while I was at school and my parents took her to the vet. After about two weeks of asking my parents how Sia was, she finally came home.
‘Now, Sia’s going to be a bit pale because she’s sick and she may act a bit funny. Being in the hospital is scary!’ That’s what my parents told me.
So Sia came home, and she was a lot paler than I remember. Almost grayish white. She also climbed behind the sofa, refused to come out, and hissed at anyone who went near her. She eventually calmed down but didn’t sleep in my room per usual. She slept on the rafters in the basement instead.
Turns out (found this out about six months ago) my dad started up the lawn mower and Sia was somehow inside the lawn mower near the blade and…well…bad kitty times happened really quickly.
They replaced Sia with one they found at the shelter and the little dips— that was me, didn’t notice.”
“We Have Eyes In The Back Of Our Heads”
“I was a very small child. I weighed a lot less than most children at my age and still had to be in a car seat at the age of 8. I would always get out of the car seat as quietly as I could and be caught right away by either my mom or dad (depending on who was driving).
I would ask them how they knew and they would always tell me that they had eyes in the back of their heads. I thought that was the scariest thing ever.
One day, I had the guts to try to get out of my car seat again. They didn’t seem to notice and I assumed their eyes were closed. I brought a plastic butter knife without them noticing. I hid it in my pants. I take the butter knife and try to poke all around on the back of my mom’s head to try to find the eyes. She slammed on the brakes, pulled over and spanked me.”
Mom’s Fake Pills For An Attention Problem
“When I was fourteen I was taken to the doctor because I didn’t pay attention in school. Of course, like most kids, they put me on some drug like Adderall. My mom had to work early in the morning so she would put the pill on my night stand when she left for work.
I would wake up, take it, and go on with my day at school. After a few weeks, she asked me, ‘Are you having an easier time paying attention?’ I said yes, and that I was having an easier time doing homework too.
She then told me that EVERY day she would dump the contents of the pill in the toilet, and give me an empty pill.”
Pokemon Legal Issues
“When I was about 6 my entire family went on holiday to Greece. Now being a child of the 90’s, all I wanted to/did talk about was Pokemon. My Mum tired of my Pokemon rants told me that Pokemon was illegal in Greece and that airport scanners check to see if you are carrying Pokemon cards.
She also said you weren’t allowed to talk about it otherwise you would get arrested. And that is how you get a kid not to talk about Pokemon for an entire week.”
The Pumpkin Scandal
“When we were younger, every time we carved pumpkins there would be money inside… EVERY TIME. It would be a crisp, new, dry, folded up, bill in the $5-$20 range (I’m guessing, based off of the current pumpkin economy of the time).
They were grown by my Grandpa so I assumed, and was told, they were magical. When I was about 12 or so the news broke and it was all a sham.
Apparently, for YEARS, they would briefly distract me as I removed the lid of the pumpkin, and the money was placed inside by my parents/grandparents. It worked on my cousins, it worked on my brother and sister, it worked on everyone. When I found out, I didn’t want to believe it. How could they do it so well? Now I know how to set my kids up for the ‘long con.'”
She Poured Something Different In My Glass
“When I was young around 2 or 3, I always saw my parents drink wine when we had guests over. I kept wanting to try it because it looked just like fruit juice (which is delicious), but of course, my parents never let me.
Then one day we had guests over and I kept bugging my mom about it until she finally said, ‘Okay fine. You really want to try it? I will bring you a glass.’
She came back with a full glass for me and I took a huge gulp.
It was vinegar…”
The Threat That Worked As An Excuse
“On my 21st birthday, my parents took myself and my housemates out for an early dinner (so as not to interfere with the festivities planned later on) and my dad flipped my world upside down.
When I was younger, my family and I took a family trip to the Liberty Science Center, which, for those of you not in the NJ area, is essentially a neat multi-story playhouse full of science-related activities designed for kids. They have an IMAX theater attached that plays interesting documentaries, for a while they had a ‘touch tunnel’ where you would crawl through an extended area in complete darkness, and several demonstrations on different floors with everything from insects to aquatic life to the classic shattering-a-banana-frozen-with-liquid-nitrogen routine.
To my parents’ credit, they had me interested in science from a very young age, so this was a real treat for my brother and I. However, since we were 10 and 7, we couldn’t stand to be stuck in a car for more than an hour without bickering with each other. After fighting almost the entire way there, my dad laid down the law, ‘If I hear one more word out of either of you, I’m turning the car around.’ A deafening silence reigned over the rest of the car ride until we were literally pulling into the parking lot, when one of us (I cannot remember who) said something snarky, and my dad, true to his word, turned that car around, and we drove all the way home.
Fast forward to my 21st birthday, that story happened to get brought up, as I tend to use it as an example of how, while my dad was really cool, he was not one to f— with. My dad then revealed a life-changing secret that only he and my mother had known. They never intended to actually drive all the way home after the long ride. They just wanted us to get the message.
However, my dad misinterpreted some of the traffic signs and ended up back on the Garden State Parkway, which has few and far between opportunities to turn around, so he just took us home. The entire thing was an accident, but they played it off as intentional for the sake of their parental authority.
They did take us back the following weekend because you bet your a— we were the most behaved children on the planet for the next few days.”
A Genius Sleepover Delusion
“My mom used to turn the clocks forward when I had sleepovers at her house… She’d run in to change the clock from 7:00 pm to 9:30 pm while we were distracted (this was before we all had cell phones) and we’d be amazed at how fast time had gone.
We would stay up ‘really late’ and then fall asleep, confident in our ‘coolness.’ She actually got to go to sleep at a decent hour without making us all shut up six times in the middle of the night.
Now that I am older and value my sleep, I think she is a f—ing genius.”
Mom Over-Used That Reward
“Back when I was being Potty trained, my mom would give me a dollar for every time I successfully used the toilet.
She would place the dollar in a little green basket just out of my reach…turns out she was using the same dollar over and over and over.”
“I Guess I Liked The ‘Secret Sauce’ After All”
“One time when I was a kid, I somehow got the idea in my head that I hated gravy. I had previously liked gravy, so my mom knew I was just being stubborn. She began serving what she called ‘Mom’s Secret Sauce’ which I loved. Some years later I finally decided to ask what was in the secret sauce. It was just gravy mixed with a touch of sour cream.”
He Can Never Eat Mac N’ Cheese Ever Again
“When my Dad was a kid, he hated taking pills. So his mother would hide them inside the noodles of his macaroni and cheese. One fateful day, his fork hit a noodle in just the right way, that a pill popped out.
Ever since that day, he has never eaten macaroni and cheese again.”
The Timing Game
“My Mum used to time my sister and I for fun, and to make doing things she wanted us to do a game. Regularly, this was to go to the corner shop and back to get things. I would sprint as fast as I can to the shop down the road and return out of breath.
My Mum would be like ‘Great 2 minute and 6 seconds!’ I would do a little out of breath air victory punch and prepare myself for beating my next record. My Mum recently told me she never ever timed us and just made it up every time. I was also asthmatic as a child! Cheers Mum!”
The Secrets Of Mom’s Loft Office
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“Kids think they are slick. My sister and I were no different.
For years we could never figure out how mom could see us going for stuff in the kitchen, we knew we couldn’t have. She was a court reporter, so most of her time was spent at home, editing jobs in her loft office. We would make absolutely no noise in going for the cookie jar. We would lift the lid in absolute silence, dispense baked deliciousness and drop the heavy porcelain lid without making a sound. We’d army crawl across the floor and open the pantry just a crack, while going for pop tarts. We were both Sam Fisher incarnate.
We were caught 100% of the time she was home. We could never figure it out. It was driving us insane. She explained it years later and I felt like a moron.
Her elevated loft office had a see-through railing that overlooked the family room. Directly across from the loft office, was one of the largest mirrors I have ever seen. Pretty sure you can see where this is going. This mirror looked directly into the kitchen. Her line of sight on us could not be any better. Our line of sight on her was non-existent.
She would let us almost get away with it every time. ‘PUT THAT BACK!’ in her voice is forever engraved into my soul.”
“The Good Ferry”
“When we took a ferry from New York to Vermont, my mother would sometimes tell me it was the ‘type of ferry where you have to stay inside your car.’ Disappointed that I wasn’t on the ‘good ferry,’ I’d sit in the car and wait to hit shore, so we could drive off of the boat.
A couple of years ago I was talking to my ex-boyfriend about the ferry to Fire Island and asked him if it was the ‘good ferry’ where you can get out and walk around. He stared at me blankly… So I told him about the ferries to Vermont. And then I realized that all ferries are good ferries and my mother just didn’t want to get out of the car and watch me.”
His Way Of Not Wasting Precious Movie Time
“My dad told me VHS tapes started playing again if you left it paused for a while, so I would make bathroom breaks quick and he wouldn’t have to sit and wait too long.”
Vegetables…Are Treats To You?!
“From an early age, my Mum would tell me fruit and veg were, what I knew to be, ‘sweets.’
So up until I was about 7/8, I would be eating things like raisins and cucumber as a treat, thinking I was getting sweets.
I’m not even mad.”
The Nightlight Motion Detector
“My mom said she could see through walls. She knew when I was up playing and not trying to go to bed, so I believed her for years.
Turns out, my nightlight cast a very bright shadow on the wall, and she would use that to see if I was in bed or not.”
She Didn’t Know That’s What It’s Called
“A relative of mine tells her kid that if she behaves well at school for 5 days in a row, she can have two days off school. The kid has no idea that’s the weekend.”
The Truth Came Out On Christmas Day
“As a 12-year-old child, I desperately wanted a pet mouse. I begged and begged and then finally my father took me shopping for the perfect mouse. I named him Basil and he was a cute little f—er. But poor little basil needed lots and lots of play time, which I couldn’t give.
So I bought him a female friend. He became an attacker overnight. And would like to chew on her ears. So I thought to myself. Maybe another mouse will help. So in goes another female the following weekend. I let two female mice get repeatedly attacked by Alpha Mouse. I was confused and angry at him. He didn’t listen to me, nor did he stop.
So I managed to get my father to buy me a big a– fish tank. The tank was maybe two meters in length, one meter high, and I separated the tank with two-inch thick cardboard. Too late, they were pregnant.
Anyway, a couple weeks later I had too many baby mice (f— they jump high!) and Mr. Basil chewed his way through the cardboard and was a s— father to the baby mice. I didn’t want them to get pregnant as well…
I got home from school one Friday afternoon and I noticed my catholic family of mice were all gone…except for basil…he even had the whole fish tank to himself. My mother gave me around $30 and said that she sold them all to the pet shop for $1 each. I was stoked. First of all, I had $30 and second, they were all going to go to lovely homes.
Fast forward twelve years: It was Christmas and we were laughing at the time I hand delivered 28 odd baby mice, and my lovely mother dropped the bomb that she had put them all in the freezer to die…WTF!”
Sneaky Clock Trick
“My parents would set the clock 2 hours ahead, on New Year’s Eve. Then they would take my siblings and I out for dinner so we would not notice. We would end up going to bed at 10 PM instead of midnight…”
And My Parents Though I Had No Social Skills
“I was selected for two separate programs for ‘children with below average social skills’ by my teachers, and both times the selection was made to look random and the programs were not explained in front of the other kids–I was just hauled out of class for a couple hours a week.
Parents, I believe, were supposed to tell you that they had actually signed you up and explain what these programs were. Mine told me when I was 22.”
It Should Be Illegal To Cancel Holidays
“My parents would always threaten to cancel major holidays if we misbehaved. We would, obviously, because we were kids, but neither my mom or dad ever did.
One day we were home alone with our cousins for an hour. I don’t know how/why, but we took all the toilet paper/paper towel in the house, brought it into the short hall leading to my parents’ room and threw it all around. It was up to our waists when we were done. When the ‘rents got home, they sent my cousins home and told me, ‘We’re not doing Easter this year.’
And god help me, they meant it. As a little kid, being the only one who didn’t have a single piece of chocolate on Easter has stuck with me forever. It was the only time my parents really stuck with a punishment, a big one.”
She Shouldn’t Have Picked Out My Clothes
“My mom would never let me wear clothes that were form-fitting at all (I’m not talking skin-tight prostitot clothes) and it really f—ed with my confidence as a fragile pre-teen girl. All my clothes were baggy and plain and boyish and it really upset me and I got made fun of.
My mom told me that when she would take my clothes out of the wash she’d stretch all my clothes even more so they were even more baggy.
It’s a stupid thing to worry about, especially because the majority of my clothes are baggy now. But it made me feel fat when I was younger.”
A Mother’s Betrayal Of “The Sims”
“I was REALLY into the all of ‘Sims’ games, when I was younger. In my opinion, my sister was far too young to understand how to ‘properly operate’ the game, so I adamantly forbid her from playing it. Mom tried to reason with me but I was firm- I told her I was afraid she would lose my oldest saved game if she played.
One day I come home from school & my mom asks me to sit down. She was way too much in tender-softhearted-mom-voice, for my comfort. She proceeded to tell me that she was very sorry, but she let my sister play the game before I got home & she accidentally saved over my game.
I will never forget the mix of emotions then…satisfaction to my mom for being right as s—, & burning hatred for my little sister.”