We've all been on terrible dates, this is how bad they can really be! #4 is insane.
Once In A Lifetime
“I was at the cinemas with her and we were watching “The Notebook.” The movie started to get very intimate and i can see at the corner of my eye that she wanted to kiss me. I turned around to see her with her eyes closed moving towards me with her lips ‘ready’. I was very nervous because i have never been kissed before so I made an excuse up to ‘go to the bathroom’. I didn’t even go, I just ran home.”
“We went to dinner then he drove me thru an alley and said he could rape and kill me if he wanted and no one would know. Then he peeled out and told me he was joking and took me home.
No second date.”
“Met a guy. He was drunk. I was drunk. We flirt. Exchange numbers. Decide to go on a date the next evening. We meet up for a standard first date: dinner and a movie. While we’re at dinner, he gets a phone call. “Hey man… muffled voice… Nah man she’s cool… muffled voice … Yeah thanks man. Talk to you tomorrow. Catch ya!”. After hanging up the phone he then proceeded to tell me, in the kind of arrogant tone that would rival Charlie Sheen, about how he’d forgotten what I looked like, so had concocted a genius plan to have his friend call him and offer him an out if I “wasn’t in his league”. I was shocked. “Oh but it’s ok babe. I guess you’re kind of cute.” Um.. What? From what I’ve learnt so far, you’re unemployed and hate your life, but you love sitting on your ass everyday collecting CentreLink (Aussie welfare/dole) and doing drugs. A f’ing broomstick would be in your league, tosspot. Needless to say I didn’t see him again. (Apologies to any broomsticks who may be offended after reading this. You deserve better)
Oh and then there was the guy who refused to let me leave his house after we watched a movie together. Sure, I like a guy who takes charge, but pushing me up against a wall and blocking the exit on the second date is kind of a red flag.”
This Is One SCARY, Epic First Date!!
Two years and two states later, I’m still a little hesitant about posting this date. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I don’t understand why anyone posts decade old profile photos. I’m a curvy girl. If a guy isn’t into that, I’d much rather he politely ignore my first contact email than do a disgusted double take when he first sees me. Gentlemen, it doesn’t matter how good you looked ten years ago when you had more hair and less belly. If your photo is so out of date a woman can’t recognize you, I promise there is no hope she will look past your flabby exterior and see the shining human being within. Instead she’s going to take one look at you and assume everything you’ve told her is a lie.
Don’t be that guy. Officer Creepy was succinct, flattering, and interested in meeting over dinner, his treat. At the time, I thought any excuse to visit one of Bardstown Road’s tastier houses of meaty delights was a good one, so I agreed to meet him on a nice, unromantic Tuesday.
Based on his profile, I expected a slightly straight lacked, pleasantly plump, curly haired man 8-10 years my senior. When I showed up the restaurant was full of the usual Bardstown Road crowd of hipsters on dates, young professionals out for a night of adventure, and cheerful tables full of heavily tattooed and pierced people who work on the strip. I took a seat by the bar and let the waitress know if I was here for a first date. If he stood me up I’d order some empanadas to take home. “Internet date?” She leaned in conspiratorially. “Is there a special rescue signal I should know about?” This is one of the reasons I loved first dates on Bardstown. I grinned and gave her the Vulcan “Live Long and Prosper” Salute.
Suddenly, a hand clapped on my shoulder. “Let’s take this outside.” The bald, jowly stranger behind me was older than my father. “Excuse me?”
“Chris-Rachael and I will take a large carafe of sangria and a table outside,” he told the waitress. Okay, he knew my name. Either this was my date or I was finally about to be recruited into a secret government agency. C’mon, S.H.I.E.L.D.! Please be real. I’ve always wanted to live on a Helicarrier.
Sadly, it was my date. He carried the sangria out and poured for me. I drank nervously while looking over the menu. He silently topped me off, carefully watching me drink. “You look a little different than I expected,” I said. He looked at me like I’d just revealed a state secret. “They said to use my best photo.” “Um, when was that one taken?” In the photo, he leaned over the edge of a boat floating in front of some mountains. Now, I suspected he’d have a heart attack if he tried to hike a mountain and would sink straight to the bottom of a lake if he tried to swim.
“When I was 42.”‘ “What year was that?” His profile said he was 44. The last two years must’ve been very hard on him.
He glared at me. “1996.” I sighed. He was older than my father.
He topped off my glass again. “What do you think I do for a living?”
“I really couldn’t guess. A desk job?” He obviously didn’t get much exercise.
He crossed his arms. “I’ll give you a hint. You wouldn’t be here if you knew.”
“Garbage collector?” I guessed.
“I’m serious,” he growled.
“So am I. I suck at this game. Just tell me what do you do for a living.”
“I’m a police officer.” He refilled my sangria. I noticed he hadn’t taken a sip of his own.
Great. He topped off my glass every time I took a sip. I tried to gauge whether or not I’d had a whole glass yet. Just to be safe, I knew I was trapped for at least 2 hours if I didn’t want to risk him accusing me of drinking and driving. I reached into my purse to try and summon a rescue. “Turn off your cellphone. I don’t want you texting all through dinner.” There went my primary lifeline. Moving very slowly, I did as I was told. The waitress emerged to take our orders. I tried holding up my Vulcan Salute slightly behind his head, but his eyes flickered to my reflection in the restaurant’s window. He pulled out his badge and showed it to the waitress. “Bring us a pitcher of water and come back for our order in 15 minutes.” She promptly disappeared, avoiding eye contact with us both.
Once she was gone, he got down to business. “I took down your plates after I saw you get out of your car. Let’s get something straight. I’ve seen your blog. You’re not writing about me. If you do, I’m sure a girl like you has done things you regret. You don’t want to regret them more.”
My eyes widened in shock. Nothing makes a date go better than liquoring a girl up and threatening her.
“I only write about the bad dates,” I reminded him. “Honestly, most of my dates are just plain conversation. We don’t really feel a spark. We go our separate ways. No harm done.” I gave him an optimistic smile.
He laughed bitterly. “How a date ends is always up to the woman.” I couldn’t quite tell if that was a threat, a suggestion or both. He topped off my sangria again then looked me in the eyes. “You’d regret writing about me. It’s a bad idea. Now take a drink. Relax.”
I dutifully put the glass to my lips.
Over the next two hours I learned that after his upcoming retirement he fantasized about building an isolated house on a cliff face in Chile where supplies would be delivered by donkey once a week and no one would bother him. I pointed out I’m a city girl who loves living in a walkable neighborhood with my own corner bookstore, restaurant and bar where the staff knows me. I learned he resented people with advanced education because, according to him, the only purpose of an academic degree was to indoctrinate people into the liberal agenda. I pointed out I listed my MA in History on my online profile. I learned he thought the space program was a stupid waste of money. I pointed out I follow the X-Prize religiously and covet stock in Bigelow Aerospace.
Under other circumstances I would’ve left over an hour earlier, but I wasn’t sure how to get away from Officer Creepy without being accused of a DUI. I hadn’t touched my Sangria since his revelation.
After awhile, I had to know “Listen,” I asked, as politely as I could. “I’m pretty honest on my profile. I’m a liberal, overeducated, geeky city girl. We don’t have anything in common. Why did you write to me?”
“Girls on OK Cupid put out.”
The horror in my face must have phased him. He grunted and looked away. “Never mind. You’re fatter than I expected.”
That was the first good news I’d heard all night. I’d rub mud in my hair and roll around in trash if it would get me out of this horrifying date. I like lanky tech nerds built like a sack of hangars. This conservative cop was not only older than my father and willing to lie about his age and interests to con a woman into meeting him, but he had the graceless figure of an over ripe pumpkin.
I scrambled to come up with an appropriate response that would save face for him without resulting in retribution for me. “It was really interesting meeting you, but I’m looking for a relationship, not a one night stand. I’m sorry you wasted your evening. Let me buy dinner.”
“Get the Sangria, too.” The carafe sat untouched since he revealed he was secretly a cop. I felt lucky he didn’t tell me to buy him a gift certificate and a box of donuts.
I waited silently while the waitress boxed up both our dinners for him to take home.
“This better not show up on your blog.” While I waited to sign the debit card receipt, he huffed off to find some other women to intimidate.
Once he was gone the waitress topped off my carafe of sangria before sealing it with aluminum foil and a rubber band. “Take it home.” She gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. “You look like you could use it.”
Making Flippy Flop
“I’ll need to describe the lead up to fully paint the picture. I’d met a girl while I was completely written off outside a bar (so couldn’t really remember her) and had been messaging her through the week. I had wanted to take her out to dinner but she seemed set on a ‘town date’ because she was more comfortable after a few drinks with her friends, which I agreed to.
After the night had progressed I eventually went to go see her. While it didn’t bother me too much, she had gained maybe 20-25kgs since her latest facebook photos and was extremely intoxicated. Most of the ‘date’ she spent telling me how much she loved me, sucking my face off and trying to mount me in a busy bar. After some debating between the bro-counsel I had with me, it was decided I should go back to hers; because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to perform (lack of attraction) my mates gave me a viagra.
Fast forward a 20 minute/$35 cab fare we were at her place. Upon entry she requested I remove my shoes and we made our way to her bedroom. Half way there I stepped in her dog’s piss and then some other kind of animal poo with my other foot – she keeps gerbals in an open open next to her bed. The dirty work has begun but she wouldn’t strip and wanted the lights off. I proceeded to go down on her but after a minute or so I realised the texture was wrong. She felt my hesitation and confessed she started her period today. After the lights went on and many a gags at the blood and discharge consumed had been had, I decided to finish the job.
She had a ventriloquist doll (possibly from goosebumps) in a chair watching us because she liked it and wouldn’t let me move it. After a while I couldn’t continue any more and asked to shower (nearing 530am sunday) but she wouldn’t let me because her father (Former Bosnian soldier) would kill me if he saw me with his daughter. So while she has gone to get me toilet paper to clean up I’ve gotten changed and am ready to go. This seemed to upset her and she has asked me to sleep with her just a bit – she wrapped herself around me and passed out.
I waited maybe 15 minutes to confirm and jimmied myself free, using a pillow as a substitute. Upon trying to flee (again stepping in the piss) I’ve realised all the exits are deadlocked and the windows barred….all except this tiny screened window in the bathroom. After minimal consideration I pushed the screen out and started to crawl through when suddenly she has awoken and is calling for me. With no time to waste I’ve launched off the hand basin (knocking stuff off) and through the Window. ….until my viagra fueled bonner rammed straight into the side window. Internally Squealing in pain, I corrected myself and slithered to freedom – just as I heard her reach the bathroom corner. Drunk, dehydrated, disoriented and still at full mast, I ran for around 10 minutes until I hit a main road and got a cab home. She rang me 6 times that day and 4 the next, leaving several voice mails and messages.”
People Are Crazy
“About 5 – 6 years ago, i was talking to this girl on myspace, and we talked for about two months, we text, we called, etc. She gave me this pretty early in that she had some kind of heart problem, but it wasn’t that bad, i was born with asthma so I’m not one to judge whether i should date someone on something like that. So i finally convince her to meet me at the mall for lunch, nothing big. I get to the mall 15 minutes early and go to where we were suppose to meet, and i end up waiting for an hour and a half past our meet time, i sent a few texts asking if anything was wrong or running late, and even tried calling a couple times before i left to go home, not a single response. So i got stood up, not too big of a deal usually, hurt a little more seeing as i spent 2 months getting to know her already and didn’t expect to be stood up; but that’s not the worst part. Over the next couple of days i sent a couple of texts and tried calling a couple times, and left a couple of messages on her myspace, trying to figure out what happened, not mad or angry, just kind of confused and trying to clear things up. Well, 3 days later, its Saturday now, i had computer animation class that ran from 9 am to 2 pm, i get a txt from her saying that that its her “sister”, and that the girl i was supposed to meet died 2 days ago from her heart condition. Its like 10 am by now and I’m in class, so i had to step outside and i tried calling her number, and no one answered, so i text back and her “sister” texts me back telling me that she is not kidding and that she died and is being cremated and started spouting obscenities through texts telling me that i should have been there at the hospital and i wasn’t there; making me feel like s—, and still wont answer my calls, and eventually tells me to never call or txt the number again. I definitely was not finishing the rest of class than day, so i went home. AND it gets better/worse.
So 2 days later im checking my mail on myspace and im feeling like s—, and so i thought i would check out her profile, and i notice that im not friends with her anymore, so i thought that maybe her sister was so pissed that she got on her account and un-friended me, and even blocked me. So i made a throw away account and went to look at her profile just to at least see her pictures and i noticed that there are was a new picture posted within the last 6 hours of her with her friends, and her and them were commenting on the picture like it happened the day before; so the only thing i could think was “WTF!?” its now been like 6-7 days since the day we were supposed to meet and 5-6 days since she supposedly died and made me feel like s—.
So i messaged her with the throw away account telling her i thought she was cute and would love to talk and get to know her, and she gave me her number, the same number i was using this whole time. I didn’t do anything else, i got the hint, she played me, and for no reason made me feel like s—. So i decided she wasn’t worth my time.
3 months later i was on a 4th or 5th date with a girl at that same mall, and we were getting ice cream, and i went to turn around and saw her walking my way and she saw me and she looked like she was going to s— right then, not expecting to see me, so in front of her i kissed my new girlfriend and looked at her and smiled and continued on our way.”
“Valentines evening, 18 with first serious girlfriend. Parents out of town so I figure cooking, romantic meal and a film is a good shout. Know she likes asian food so spend hours making a spicy ramen soup, made the stock myself and everything. Dinner goes great, swap little gifts, everything going perfectly. End of meal and there’s no thought of putting a film on, clothes are flying off, push her onto the couch and and start fingering her, heavy breathing, moaning, and then “OHHWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”, she screams, jumps up and runs to the bathroom where I can hear her crying for an hour or so.
Had forgotten to wash my hands, and from that day on was known as chili fingers.”
“Via eHarmony (never use this service, ever) I met up with a girl who lived a block away and we agreed to meet nearby and grab a burger. Naturally “Curvy” turned out to be “Morbidly Obese,” which pissed me off, and the pictures obviously were doctored to f—, but I said f— it: Let’s talk it out and at the least enjoy a lunch.
Here’s how it went:
This placed served sliders and while delicious they weren’t cheap. I order one, she orders 4. My credit card twitches nervously.
I was willing to look past the weight and picture deception, but it was impossible to look past the way she ate. I’m not a perfect human being myself, but close your mouth and don’t suck your fingers, please.
She talked about how the only people that would ever f— her were Mexicans, and how her ex-boyfriend was in prison. She still loved him but also wanted to date his friends, her friends signed her up for eH, etc…It was like a slow motion car wreck unfolding before my very eyes.
After she’s done eating she starts to get teary-eyed and break down. “You should just stay away from me! I’m an awful person, GET AWAY FROM ME! HAHAHAHAHA oh my goddd ….”
I nervously laughed, quickly paid, and walked her back to her place. I then ran my f’ing ass off back to my apartment, locked the door, and took solace in how gloriously single I was.”
I’ll Hold This For you
“Ive been on a lot of bad dates, but here are the first two to pop into my head.
1) I went on a first date where the dude took my phone and wouldn’t give it back, and then bit me when I tried to take it. Left a bruise for a few weeks.
2) Went on a different first date where the guy’s dad died while we were at the movies. Wasn’t a bad date necessarily, but the fact that he got a call from his sister telling him there was an emergency sucked. And then not knowing how to console him in the following weeks was tough, I’m bad with loss. I never know what to say or do, especially since we were casual and It was hard to know how to go about everything.”
“My first time using Tinder I met a guy who was new in town and wanted to meet different people so he asked to take me out to a restaurant of my choosing. The date comes up and we go out to a small Italian restaurant. He’s a little chubbier than his pictures show, but no big deal. Conversation was a little stale, but what do you expect from a blind date? Anyway, we decide to head to the beach that’s 10 minutes away and we sat there and talked for a little and finally started kissing and it was going alright. Decide to direct my hand below the equator and BAM there’s semen. Semen EVERYWHERE. About five awkward minutes later we go back to the car and low and behold, it won’t turn on. He left the f’ing lights on the whole time and we ended up having to call AAA to come jump his car. So this boy is covered in his sperm and we sit in silence the rest of the way home. Needless to say, there was never a second date”
Burning Down The House
“I went on a blind date where the restaurant caught on fire, and I slammed her foot in the car door breaking two bones. When your blind date ends at the ER you are going home alone.”
When Texting Goes Wrong
“I once meet with a guy at Starbucks, he sat half facing me and never made eye contact…but what he did do was talk extremely loud about how he used to deal drugs in college.
After I left he text me: your booty looked good in that dress.”
“Freshman year, this guy who’d been in a couple of classes said he wanted to take me out on my birthday. He ended up taking me to a “party” at his friends s—ty apartment. Then about five minutes in he tells me he has to go pick something up, but he’ll be back really soon.
Two cups of stale keg beer and three hours of awkward small talk later he shows up, high as s— and tripping balls on a combination of drugs. Completely forgot I was even there. I walked myself home that night.”
“I was in a new city and thought it would be fun to meet people online (just as friends). I made this clear on my page, but of course that’s not how it was interpreted. I get a message from someone who says he has two tickets to see a movie for free, wants to go tonight, and would I join him?
The night was awkward. As soon as he saw me he thought that this was perfect timing to ask me to be his ‘summer girlfriend’ and talk about how he never really dated someone attractive before.
I made another mistake by agreeing to sharing a large drink (he paid and that’s what he got…) Everytime I went to sip from my own straw, he would go for his. He would stare as I drank. Very creeped out. I ran when he dropped me off.
It’s one thing to be kind of awkward, it’s another to enforce it.”
Things That Make You Go “Hmmmm”
“The day after I first signed up for OkCupid. I was pretty gung-ho about actually meeting people and had not yet been disillusioned by the whole thing, so when a guy I’d only exchanged 2-3 messages with suggested that we hang out later that night, I was game. He warned me that sometimes people think he’s gay when they first meet him. “No problem”, I think. I know plenty of people that might be misconstrued as gay for one reason or another (voice, mannerisms, they were in theater in high school…whatever). But it was difficult to make a case for how this dude was anything BUT gay. We met for coffee in the gay neighborhood of an already pretty gay city. His fingernails were painted pink. He asked me if I wanted to go to a gay bar or a straight bar. His three best friends are gay dudes named Sprinkles, Pepper, and Muffin. And he was completely estranged from his family already, so I really didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just come out.
This was on September 11th, so…the anniversary of September 11th. We wandered around the canals of the rich part of the city and fireworks started to go off. Would have been sooo incredibly romantic if he were straight. And if I were into him.”
A Least One Has A Happy Ending
“I was seeing/dating this girl I worked with and had plans to go for dinner and drinks on a Monday night after work. Mondays at work consisted of me starting at 4am and doing a stock take, taking in the delivery and the finalizing stock. On a good day, finish by 11am. This day however, I finish at 6pm.
Anyway, so I finish and have a miserable beer in the bar down the street, then meet the girl. I. Am. EXHAUSTED. But I like her so I power on through. We sit at a table and start chatting. Our drinks arrive, as does some water.
And then I yawned.
And stretched my arms out. And knocked a potted plant over. That knocked a menu over. On to a candle. Setting everything on fire.
And I am OBLIVOUS to this happening. I only realised when a guy at the next table dumped a glass of water on to it.
She’s laughing. I’m mortified. The guy is looking at me like I’m a moron. I get up to get another drink and I get one for the dude at the next table. Set it down and go to shake his hand in thanks and KNOCKED THE F’ING DRINK ALL OVER HIS DATE!
I apologize. Offer to pay for dry cleaning and sit down. Mortified. We skip dessert and go home. I’ve never been more embarrassed.
Worked out in the end, engaged to the same girl!””
“A guy insisted we go to the drive in movies. Told him he could pick the movie. Cheap bastard picked Paul Blart Mall Cop and told me get in the trunk because he “only brought enough money for one ticket.”
I ended up buying both tickets, and he ended up telling everyone I blew him.”
Too Rich, Too Handsome, Too Funny, Too Smart
“The one where I got stood up. She later called and apologized, she said “You were so friggin’ handsome and smart and I was just too intimidated.”
About as good a reason to get stood up as one could ask for, I guess. Still, wasted 30$ on a theater ticket. The play was hilarious.”
She’s Seeing Other Guys…
“Went on a date with this girl I was seeing for a while, or it started out as a date at least.. Anyway we were kissing, being touchy-feely the whole night, then she just kind of mentions she went on a date with this other dude a few days prior.. I was actually pretty crushed since I thought it was going somewhere. Anyway, of course I asked her what the deal was and she said “well we aren’t REALLY serious”. After I already took her out, bought her dinner, she drops that on me.. Just a horrible night, I cringe every time.”
Nerves, Every Time!
“In high school I took this chick out for ice cream just after I had gotten my first car. I was a nervous and twitchy kid and she was a sweetheart but kind of goofy. She confessed that she was raped when she was 14, I didn’t really know how to respond, got nervous, and threw up.”
“I was about 16, and one night I get a phone call from some girl I’d never met who asks me out to dinner. I have no idea who this girl is, but she seems to know me, so I ask her some questions to try to figure out when we met. She says she saw me at my parent’s store, but won’t elaborate. After a while, I become fairly confident I’ve never met this girl in my life. I decline her dinner invitation and tell her I already have plans. She takes this positively, so she texts and calls me nonstop for the next 2 weeks. I finally decide to meet this girl in a safe, public location to get her off my back. We decide to meet at the mall.
At the mall, I run into one of my coworkers. I’m thrilled to see a familiar face, and tell her all about this crazy girl I’m supposed to meet. Turns out the crazy girl is her, and she gave a fake name over the phone. Whoooops. Oh, she still wants to have this date? Well I’m already here, so ok.
The date lasted about 15 minutes. To be fair, I gave her a shot. It just didn’t go very well:
“What do you like to do in your free time?” “I don’t ever have free time.” Uhhh
“What about for fun?” “I like to shop…And go bowling. Do you like bowling?” She can’t seriously be hinting at a second date already.
“Do you go bowling a lot?” “Not really, but I want to…” Goddammit.
“If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?” “I’d go see my grandparents.” That’s pretty normal! Wanting to see relatives she hasn’t seen in a while. Let me just make sure…
“Oh, you haven’t seen them in a while?” “No, I go every 6 months.” Motherf’er.
“I meant you can go anywhere you want.” “I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t like traveling.” Of course you don’t.
It continued like that for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, I said, “Alright well, that was a great Cinnabon, but I’m gonna go now. Enjoy your shopping,” and I hightailed it out of there. Work was kinda weird whenever we’d run into each other after that.”
Never Too Early To Start Drinking
“Meet one of the hottest guys I’ve laid eyes on. Shamelessly flirt in line at the store. Exchange numbers. I’m on cloud nine. Agree to a date after I get off work one night. Picks me up and takes me to his house, in a decommissioned cop car, with an open container, pours wine when we arrive, demands to buy me new shoes, and throws his pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend at me. As I get up to leave, he throws his wineglass on the floor and tells me that I can’t leave, and I can’t call a cab since there is no reception where we are. Tries to block the door, I wriggle through his arms and the door jam, and run 2 miles down a dark road until I get cell reception. Called a friend and hid on the side of the road in the bushes until I get picked up. Oh, he calls me the next day, leaving a rambling 2 minute message, in tears, weaving between apologizing and demanding I call him back.”
Getting Busy In A Burger King Bathroom
“Took me to Burger King, made me pay (I was 16, unemployed) then asked me to come to the loo with him so we could ‘fingerbang and stuff’.”