Kids know how to do a good job at scaring the
Peed On The Priest
“We are a Catholic Family. When I was baptized, I started crying, which the priest assured my worried grandmother was normal. After the priest was finished pouring water over my baby head, I started to urinate on the priest’s robe. The priest was pissed the f— off apparently as he started yelling and saying s— like ‘Child of Satan’ and ‘Damned, you shall be!’
My grandmother passed out, my mother started crying, and my uncle was laughing his a– off.
Obviously, I don’t remember this, but there’s a family video.”
“I traumatised my mother twice, both times when I was about three years old.
The first time we were walking through the Botanic Gardens and there was a wedding taking place. Apparently, the bride was a larger lady, and I piped up in my piercing little voice, ‘Mummy, look at that FAT BRIDE!’ My mother grabbed me under one arm and ran away – she thinks the bride didn’t hear, but she’s certain some of the guests did.
The second time I traumatised her, she took me to her work one day and I met one of her colleagues. He was from Ghana and had very dark skin. Apparently, I said, ‘Mummy, look at that dirty man!’ Mum said she just wanted the floor to swallow her up, but the guy handled it with exceptional grace and just laughed and said, ‘Don’t worry, at least I can’t blush.’
Yeah, I’m surprised I wasn’t left at an orphanage after those two episodes. I now have kids of my own who are determined to give me my comeuppance.”
When You’re So Bad Mom Breaks Down
“I hated school in fourth grade. The terrible teacher and a few bratty students made going to school miserable. So I loved any excuse to get out of school for all or part of the day…even if it was a doctor’s appointment.
One day my doctor’s appointment was canceled. I was having none of this. I barricaded myself in my bedroom (no lock on the door, just my desk chair, and some stuffed animals as a ‘blockade’) and screamed that I would rather die than go to school. My mom was freaked out. Mom was crying hysterically and everything. My poor dad had to deal with two hysterical women/girls at once. The next day I had an emergency session with Mom’s therapist…”
Bringing The Boyfriend
“One time during my sophomore year in college, I had been feeling guilty for not seeing my family very often, even though the lived twenty minutes away, so I decided to take them out to dinner. Since I had some extra cash, I thought I would take them out somewhere nice, so we all went to Black Angus. I thought it would be cool to bring my boyfriend that I had been dating seriously for 6 months. No one in my family normally does this.
I find out later that my dad was scared as s— and that I was either going to tell the family I was either pregnant or getting married at that dinner.”
Running With Scissors
“You know how your parents told you to never run with Scissors. Well, I did not listen. I was running through the house with scissors, like an idiot. I tripped and the scissors went through my front teeth and jammed in the back of my throat… Blood sprayed out my mouth and nose.
It frightened my parent’s so much that my mom passed out and when she fell her face was smashed on the floor. I had to get three stitches and my mom had $30,000 worth of face surgery. I figuratively and literally traumatized my parents.”
Illness From His Science Experiment
“When I was 7 or 8 I did a science project on the antibacterial efficacy of various soaps. Basically involved keeping hands dirty for a day, pressing grubby thumbs into Petri dishes full of agar, then washing and doing the same again. I’d take tracings of the cultures: bigger colonies were bad, smaller ones good. This ended up winning the county science fair for my grade in a large metropolitan area, so that was nice.
But before that, after I’d finished the experiments but before I’d discarded the dishes, I got into a dispute with my parents (don’t remember what about). I thought, ‘I’ll show them.’ So I took the nastiest culture and swabbed it onto their bedroom doorknob. They both got sick as dogs and I had to take care of them for a couple of days. Served me right.”
Passed Out In The Tub
“This happened the summer after my senior year of high school. After a long night of drinking, I came home and apparently felt the desire to puke. My parents live on the third floor, I live on the second and have a bathroom on my floor. For some reason, I turned the fan on when I went into the bathroom, which is kinda loud and my parent’s room is pretty much right above the bathroom. So I puked hard, mostly in the toilet at first. I get hot and really sweaty when I’m puking, so naturally, I strip down to my boxers. I then somehow manage to puke all over myself. Well, that’s unacceptable to drunk me so I guess I decided to take a shower to clean up. Never managed to turn the water on. Next thing I know I’m getting woken up by my mother screaming bloody murder, crying profusely. Apparently, I passed out in the tub, the fan woke my mom up in the middle of the night so she came to investigate, and found me nearly naked covered in my own puke passed out in the bathtub with as she says my eyes rolling into the back of my head. She thought I was dead. I would say that was a bit traumatizing for her.”
Mom And Dad Thought He Was Kidnapped
“When I was in kindergarten, I made a friend while at school. We really hit it off, and we she said she had a big bag of Halloween candy at home and offered to share it with me. It was a fairly short walk to her place from school, and from her place a short little walk home. So I head over to her place, and completely forget to tell my parents where I went after school. I completely lose track of time, we ate candy and played video games. Her family must have thought my parents knew where I was. We played board games and ate dinner, and I didn’t go home until after nine. I remember getting home, walking through the front door and being greeted by the sight of my parents, both completely in tears, on the phone with the police. I immediately realized what I did wrong, and I thought for sure I was going to be grounded forever. They weren’t mad, though, they were just overjoyed that I was okay. A bunch of bear hugs and tear filled expressions of parental affection later, I felt terrible. They must have thought I was dead, I was missing for over six hours. Every single one of their friends was out looking for me. I am such an a–hole.”
“The first movie I saw with my ex-wife was Knocked Up. At the time there was awkwardness because we’d accidentally had unprotected sex the week before. It turned into a big joke between us, and I bought the movie for her for Christmas. Mom asked me, ‘What did you get Jen for Christmas’? And without hesitating or thinking, I said, ‘Knocked Up.’
She was driving, and almost wrecked the car.”
“My mom got my sister and I our first set of makeup when we were 11 and 15. We ran to the bathroom to try it out and immediately decided that the best course of action was to paint bruises and wounds all over our faces, fake fight sounds and screaming, then run to our mother’s office area appearing like we needed to go to the hospital.
It worked. She turned about as white as a sheet and screamed before we collapsed into laughter. We weren’t allowed to have makeup again until we were adults and bought it for ourselves.”
EpiPen Is Not A Normal Pen
“When I was about 8 years old, I was going through our medicine cabinet (like the little rascal I was) and found one of my brother’s old EpiPens (the Epinephrine injector for use during a severe allergic reaction). I was curious about how it worked and figured it was like any other pen in that you clicked the top with your thumb and the needle came out the other end. Turns out the needle comes out of the end that you click, and it ended up going right into my thumb! When my parents came upon me screaming my lungs out in the bathroom, the walls were painted with blood that I’d sprayed around getting the pen out of my thumb. Apparently, it was pretty grisly…”
She Looked Familiar
“So when I was 16 I found out that who I thought was my Dad, was actually just my step-dad and not my real Dad. Well, a sister I never knew about contacted me and it turns out my real Dad lived in a small town just 8 miles away from mine. So I met my sister and had her come over one day while my mom was at work. My mom came home early and when I introduced my sister I introduced her as my girlfriend…the look on my mom’s face was priceless.”
When Mom Mistakes Ketchup As Blood
“When we were about 5 or 7 years old me and my brother discovered the similarities between ketchup and blood. Mom wasn’t home yet, so we got some knives from the kitchen, all the ketchup we could find, cut some holes in our shirts for the knives and staged a huge crime scene in the living room. We loved secretly watching the thrillers our parents used to see in the evenings from the living room door when we were believed to be in our beds, so we had some experience with a plausible scenario and put a lot of thought into it, creating a huge battle scene with blood on the walls, the couches and of course lots of ketchup on our motionless bodies in the center of the room. Mom had kind of a breakdown…”
“When I was about 6 I made up a long list of symptoms to fake sick in order to get out of school. Turns out my symptoms very consistent with malaria. My dad had a job with the U.S. embassy and we were living in Lagos, Nigeria at the time. I had no idea why they were so worried.”
“When I was a teenager, I got in a fight with my dad that ended with us coming to blows. I got the crap kicked out of me and I left home for several years. When I was in my early twenties, I returned home and told my dad we had unfinished business. This time, I beat the s— out of my father. So I literally traumatized him.
We had a beer afterward, though, and we ended up mending fences. We have a pretty good relationship now.”
Paranoid And Assumptive Parents
“My brother is 17 and working at Taco Bell on the weekends while he attends High School during the weekdays. He just messaged my mother that he’d ‘like to hang out with Brian from Taco’ (forgot to type Bell I guess), my mother responded asking ‘Who Brian is, and where they’d hang out.’ My brother just responded, ‘Please let me hang out with him, I only get to see him once a week…’ So now my parents are sobbing downstairs believing that my brother is gay and seeking sex with Brian.
My father is going all detective and putting together his own facts like this just now pacing back and forth in front of my sobbing mother while screaming ‘I knew it I KNEW IT! He’s been watching a lot of men’s volleyball lately and what was that UFC obsession all about!? He’s f—ing other men!’ Sigh… My brother has told ME about Brian before and I actually know the guy, my brother doesn’t have many games for his XBOX 360, and Brian has Borderlands 2.
My brother simply wants to play Borderlands 2 with a friend from work, although my brother is completely oblivious that it’s 11:00 PM on a Saturday night and my parents are already paranoid people on a regular basis. All in all, I believe my brother has traumatized our parents.”
Unresponsive On The Floor
“I suffer from pretty bad insomnia, and nothing seems to help. One night, after not having slept for more than 2 hours in the past week, I took 4mg of Xanax (quite a lot for me as an 110lb female). I still couldn’t fall asleep, so becoming desperate, I decided to have a cocktail in addition to the Xanax. I have no memory of anything after that, but apparently, my mother heard a loud crash and got up to investigate. She found me lying on the bathroom floor, unresponsive but breathing. She and my dad drove me to the ER and I was fine the next day. She says it was a terrifying moment of her life and she will never be rid of the image of me lying on that floor.”
Shipped To A Mental Hospital
“I took 6 hits of acid, ran into their room at 3 AM, screamed at them that they were Satan and that it was the Judgement Day. I then proceed to run down the street, take off all my clothes and repeatedly slam my body into the side of someone’s house. Then, I was hog tied by 6 cops, and hauled off to the state mental hospital where I was kept for ‘observation’ for 10 days.”
Taken By The ‘Gas People’
“So, I lived in Venezuela for quite a few years before moving to the US. I don’t remember this, as it happened when I was nearly three years old, but my parents love telling this story at family reunions (it just makes me laugh).
One day I apparently decided to hide in the refrigerator (classic) as my mother was outside the house. She was babysitting me alone at home and left me by myself for a minute to deal with the gas people, the ones that bring natural gas for use in the stove at home. When she came back, it took her a minute to realize she couldn’t find me and apparently spent 30 minutes combing through our huge house and its yard, progressively approaching insanity as she failed to find me. She even climbed the mango tree in our backyard, in case I had somehow done so.
She eventually cracked and called my dad, sobbing and saying that somehow I had been taken by the gas people. As my dad took over and called the police from work, my mom tried to calm herself down and went to get herself a glass of water. As soon as she opened the refrigerator door (we kept our water in it), I burst out and screamed ‘you found me!!!’ with what she says was the biggest smile ever. She then proceeded to collapse on the floor, woke up a minute later, and then called my dad to tell him everything, as he rushed out of work to come back home.
It seems I’ve been a troll from the very beginning!”
Falling From The Window
“When I was about 9 years old we lived in a crappy high rise apartment building. I opened the window of my bedroom, removed the screen, stuck my head out the window and screamed as loud as I could like I was falling. I then quickly proceeded to hide under my bed as my parents frantically came running into my room with me nowhere to be seen and thought I fell out the window. Eventually, I started giggling and was busted. They were not impressed, to say the least.”
Toddler Holding The Baby
“I was three years old when my brother was born. When he was just a few days old my mom put him in his baby swing, turned it on, and left the room to answer the phone. Well, while she was gone the swing stopped and my brother started crying. Being the concerned older sister that I was, I pulled him out of the swing and carried/drug him to my mom saying, ‘Mommy, the baby is crying!’ She freaked the heck out because here was her clumsy toddler holding her newborn. After that happened, she never left him in his swing again.”
Parents Heard Everything
“My sister and I were eating these ‘Millions of Sweets’ the bubblegum flavor in my room. For some weird reason, they’ve made me really hyper.
I then proceed to rip off this life-size plastic dolls leg off and hang it outside my window to my neighbors who were in their back garden. He had black hair and circle glasses, which led me to hold this leg out wriggling it about going ‘You’re a wizard, Harry’! After that got boring I then decided to start yelling ‘Don’t mind me I’m just shagging me wife’ along with other things.
My Dad kicks down my bedroom door and demands to know what the f— I was saying and doing hanging this doll’s leg out of my window. Didn’t realize the whole time I was yelling stuff to my neighbor they were downstairs and heard everything, I was about 9 years old.”