The biggest decision in your life is choosing a life partner because you have to find someone who you can connect with for the rest of your whole life. Since this is a huge decision and we tend to make mistakes along the way. Take a read through this article so you don't make these mistakes and share your thoughts if you navigated through these and found your life partner.
"It almost all boils down to this: People lie to themselves. They tell themselves they're in love, that the person they're with is their everything, or that they don't have other options, but they're lying to themselves. The reason anyone should choose a life partner is because they truly love being around someone and that person adds value to their life consistently. They're supported by this person. That's it. Anything but a relationship built on that kind of deep love is on a shaky foundation."
"You've got to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. A lot of people get into relationships as a surrogate for self love. They don't love themselves so they need somebody, anybody, to love them, to show them they're worth loving. You've got to be comfortable with who you are. Own it. Be comfortable sleeping alone, eating alone, traveling alone. Then you'll have a solid foundation for a proper relationship. One without weird attachment or jealousy issues."
"Don't be swayed by 'puppy love'. This is why I think people should wait a little while before getting married. You think you're going to be with a person forever because they make your stomach flip and you can't stop thinking about them. But spending your life with someone isn't like that. Those feelings subside. A different kind of love arises. This is a mature love. It's a respect for each other. It's deep love like you would love a family member. You've got to actually like the person and who they are. You can't just be taken in by looks and feelings. Because both of those things fade in the end."
"No one can say who is perfect for you except for you. (Although mothers often have a sixth sense for these sorts of things. If your mum truly likes your partner, you've probably found a winner.) A partner needs to compliment your unique personality. As such, there is no one-size-fits-all. If you're introverted, a partner that is the partying type might not be the best fit. Likewise, if you like to suck tequila out of belly buttons at 2am, a partner that likes books and picnics might not be the best fit either."
"This is a difficult part in relationships because most people are not emotionally self-aware individuals. Therefore, they do not perceive the emotional chasm that often exist between a couple. Since people are on their best behavior when courting, we think what we see is what we are getting and that is rarely the situation. I'm not sure we ever really get to know someone, but as time passes we should become experts on the other person. However, if you don't see relationship as a path to becoming a better person through your partner triggering you, you'll miss all the opportunities for relational growth. Most people are victims due to emotional immaturity and since immaturity breeds incompatibility, a disaster is not too far down the road."
"My Dad gave me a ton of fantastic advice over the years, but a couple of simple and powerful analogies he shared with me came to mind when I saw this question. The first lesson came up when I was learning to drive: there was a tricky intersection near my house where cross traffic does not stop. As a newly licensed teen driver I'd get a little nervous when having to chose the right moment to turn. I tended to sit there too long, waiting for the perfect gap from traffic coming in both directions. And of course the longer I waited, the more anxious I'd feel, particularly when a line of cars started forming behind me introducing even more pressure, setting up the perfect scenario for an increasingly desperate driver to panic and rush out at the wrong time with disastrous consequences.... After the first time this happened, my Dad explained that unfortunately he has witnessed this same thing happen far too many times to women when choosing a life partner (he's a psychiatrist specializing in relationships). They tend to pass up good, promising potential partners while waiting for the 'ideal', 'perfect' partner. Then slowly pressures start piling up (biological clock, nagging parents, all of their friends are getting married), they panic and pick the next guy, any guy who comes along, often with disappointing consequences... It wasn't until later in life, when I started seeing this happen to lovely women I know that I realized how true and sad this was."
"The second lesson came up when I was struggling with my decision over turning down a proposal: I was very much in love with an absolutely wonderful guy who at the time seemed like a perfect match. Unfortunately, during our relationship we discovered that we had big differences in our life values and beliefs. (I'm not talking about different tastes in music, I'm talking about huge differences over life-changing decisions and core values). The fact that he was funny, smart, kind, handsome made it so hard to accept that he and I could never compromise our core values and it would be a mistake to choose him as my life partner. After I finally took the painful step to end our relationship, I had pangs of doubt daily and could not stop thinking 'what if...'. My Dad once again shared his wisdom: 'Look at it this way Lucy, let's say you're building a bridge and you need 100 bricks to reach the other side. Even if they were the loveliest bricks made of gold, if you had only 99 they would not be enough - the bridge would collapse. However, if you had 100 good strong bricks, you have a solid bridge. Over time, you can polish it and strengthen it and it becomes something beautiful too.' Again, it wasn't until I had met my husband and finally had a complete 'bridge' that I understood what my Dad was saying. Although at first it didn't look like the perfect materials for a bridge, over time we reinforced it together and ended up with something spectacular that will stand the test of time"
"If you meet someone in a bar and you go back to their place within 15 minutes of meeting... If you meet someone studying in a coffee shop... If you meet someone at the office and you need to convince them to leave their current partner because, hey, they've been cheating on them with you for a month now... If you meet someone on a Christian dating website... You can fill in the rest. The circumstances under which you meet someone aren't irrelevant. Sometimes they will be. But most of the time they're relevant as h-ll. You can often see the future of a relationship if you know the circumstances under which the two people met. So... if you want to meet someone that is right for you, look for them in the places you like to visit or while doing the activities you like to do. I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule (nothing on this list is). I know people who are happily married even though they were with other people when they met. And I know people who are happily married after meeting in a nightclub even though one of them hates clubs. But, generally speaking, this is true."
"People really have no idea what is going on with the brain when we become interested in someone. The primal brain takes over when the first levels of interest began. It basically releases a load of chemicals into the body that make the person of interest highly desirable. This cocktail of chemicals is designed for one purpose- procreation. The primal brain doesn't care about marriage, relationships, consequences, etc. All it wants is the gene pool to be mixed, protected and continue. Due to this function, people 'think' it is love, that this person is the one because they are all they think about, when in reality, it's a evolutionary design that is driving your desires. Because of this, people make really bad decisions as they are not really 'seeing' the person and miss many of the red flags that are noticeable to others. Once the honeymoon phase has ended, the brain stops the chemical sh-t storm and we suddenly start to see the other person more clear. What people call the end of the 'honeymoon phase' is actually where the brain begins to automate the relationship and all those gooey feelings stop and then reality sets in. The primal brain has completed its function and will lie dormant until interest is peaked again (different subject)."
"Similar to the last point, the nuanced but important difference here is that if you're taken with someone just based on their infatuation with you then the relationship ins't mutual. Being chosen means that you're giving up your 'role' in the relationship and 'just going with it'. This happened to me in college. For seven years I was with someone because they wanted to be with me and that was it. When I finally realized that I was an option for them the relationship ended. Here's the kicker: I almost proposed to this woman. It just felt like the thing to do; I was glad I didn't."
"Because we cannot perceive clearly during the courting season, it is in a persons best interest to have close friends and family vet the person you're interested in. Since your brain is clouded with chemicals, we need others to help us see the person clearly. Using objective friends & family will help save you a ton of hurt down the road. However, because we value independence so highly in the western world, we think we don't need others to help us or, we don't want to hear the truth because we think we're in love, we fail to execute this step and allow others to help us see what we cannot. The strange thing about this, is we seek counsel on many other things in life, but on this one HUGE decision, we think we know best because we 'feel' amazing about this person."
"Especially if they're from a traditional family this can be the case. I grew up in the midwest, in a Christian family. I felt a lot of pressure to get married. The biggest problem here happens if their family's religious beliefs pressures them into marriage before sexual contact. Human beings evolved to be sexual BEFORE the invention of religion. Perhaps at one time this was very important; getting married before having sexual contact, but now it's getting the cart before the horse. Committing to someone for life because of social pressures from family is a huge common mistake."
"These are a couple things I think of when I'm in a relationship: Don't be willing to overlook anything or rationalize it. If it is an annoyance now, it will become a serious problem later. Don't expect a person to change for you. People rarely change, because all too often, they fail to recognize and acknowledge that there is a problem and therefore, are unlikely to go about the hard work of fixing it. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Yes, these questions might be embarrassing or even unpleasant, but your future health, happiness and solvency may be put at risk by what you don't know. If someone doesn't accept your desire to learn all you can about them, they are either hiding something or not ready for the absolute transparency that a good relationship requires. Don't rush off to the alter, no matter how much in love you are. Especially if you're head over heels. Slow down and take your time. The hormones and pleasure centers in your body and brain will shut out critical thought. You won't be able to evaluate clearly until you calm down and begin to discover who this person really is."
"I'm not anti-marriage. But I definitely am anti-jumping-in-too-quick. What's with all the young kids marrying their partner after only 5 months of knowing them? Then we wonder why over half of all marriages end in divorce. There's a reason why the majority of marriages end in divorce. Most of the time it's because the couples aren't right for each other and they didn't give it enough time to find out. You're still in the honeymoon, 'puppy love' stage of a relationship when you're 6 months in. If you get married during that stage, do you really know the person? I waited ~5 months to even ask my girlfriend to officially be my girlfriend. After that we lived together (still do) and travelled the world for years. I knew her so well after a year, that I knew she was perfect for me. I plan to 'pop the question' in a couple of years (she knows this). I'm saving up for a nice ceremony and building up some financial security so we can build a home together. Why rush to get married and then deal with all the stress of not actually knowing a person after it's too late? Better to slow down in the beginning so you can be sure that you will not get divorced due to any personality shocks."
"Isn't__it astounding that people will put up with serial affairs? Most people would agree. 'Why are you taking him back? He keeps cheating on you!' 'I know. But he'll change. We're in love.' This is an extreme example born out of the fact that some people just have no standards when it comes to relationships. I'm not just talking about cheating. I'm talking about smaller standards. Having things you can't put up with. For example, a no-no list for a potential partner might include: Getting black out drunk every weekend and not knowing what happened. Cursing with language that would shock a sailor. Being sarcastic, bitter, and jealous. Smoking cigarettes. These are things I can't personally tolerate. I'm not saying people who do these things are bad. I just don't want to be hitched to one of them. And yet, I've seen countless examples of friends that marry smokers when they themselves don't smoke. Or they marry someone who loves to hit the clubs and drink until they puke even though they prefer to stay home and watch a movie on a Friday night. In addition to having a no-no list, a lot of people should have a list of qualities that they actively want in a partner. Stuff like: They smile a lot, sing tunes around the house, and are generally happy. They give you compliments and never put you down in front of others. They have ambitions but also know how to relax and enjoy life. They do little thoughtful things for you."
"The amount of physical and emotional abuse people put up with because they can't see there are many more fish in the sea is staggering. Why do people stay with partners who hit them? Why do people stay with partners who put them down? Why do people stay with partners who abuse drugs and alcohol? I'm sure a lot of complicated factors are at play in those situations. But often it's an inability to see that there are other people out there. Nice people. People that have their lives together."
"When we think we are in love or moved by infatuation, we miss many of the cautionary flags that we would see clearly in any other relationship. We fail to pay attention to that 'gut' feeling that is warning us about this persons character. That gut feeling is coming from the higher brain picking up on patterns of behavior that you've deemed as a 'warning' in the past and is preparing you for fight or flight (anxiety). However, because we are in 'love' and this person is so special and unique, we fail to recognize it until it slaps us in the face later down the road. Once the relationship moves forward and the brain automates the relationship, you'll often hear people complain about their partners quirks, habits or general behavior that they hate. Problem is, the behavior was always there, you just didn't perceive it due to the cloudiness of what your think is love and the failure to listen to other people who tried to warn you about them."
"When you regard and love some individual, you don't control them. You treat them with respect, love, and care. Being with somebody who controls you is not honestly good. Most controllers will point the finger at you for being controlled and deceive you into feeling regretful. Try not to let them! A few people control others so shrewdly that you won't pay heed at first. Your life partner needs to help you develop and not pull you around mishandling you."
"If you want kids and your partner doesn't, why would you make them your life partner? In the hopes of convincing them? You may love them but your true desires are completely incompatible here. This will lead to niggling worries that develop into full-scale misery down the line. For me, I see the following topics as deal breakers: Religion, Children, Drugs and alcohol, and staying in physical shape. If you and your partner are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to those subjects, I can guarantee you'll have some problems."
"Because they don't see your value and treat you severely don't mean you're decreased to what they accept about you. You know yourself more than anyone does and you recognize what is your worth. You like certain parts of yourself and there are a few things you would love to eliminate from your personality. You need to understand that you're the main consistent in your life. How you think, how you feel, and how you adapt when things get unpleasant are the things which matter and which will prop you up in a long term. Begin giving yourself the time and significance that you merit."
"When you get married or get into a long term relationship, you are basically going into business with someone. You're agreeing to set up shop in your partners lap, their family, their space, their darkness and the most awful annoying parts of them. They are signing up to see your hatred, your judgmentalism, your cynic, your demons and all your ugliness. Relationship is the best place to see a person's true colors. It's also the ultimate growth tool which helps a person to love and embrace all of these parts, in you and them. If you're not willing or ready to experience this, then perhaps long term relationship is not for you. Many never bother to learn the 'how' of relationship. It's always easier to play victim and blame the other person for their bad habits, behavior or how badly they treated you. Instead of using relationship to evolve into something glorious, most collapse into their own field of misery and emotional chaos."
"Big mistake. Both because looks fade and also they are only one component of attraction. Looks ARE important, but sacrificing all other facets of compatibility just for it is a common mistake. Think about other important parts of choosing a life partner: common values, beliefs, what you each think the point or purpose of your lives are."
"The most common mistake is choosing a taker instead of a giver. A taker is someone who absorbs energy, favors, love, compliments, and attention from other people, but doesn't return these gifts. Givers take pleasure in giving of themselves to make others happy. In high school, I dated a girl who was a taker. She was hilarious and fun a lot of the time, but she constantly wanted things and was always asking me to drive her here and there, or help her fix her car, or burn her a CD, help her move, help her study, and so on. As a giver, I was happy to give and give and give. But eventually I noticed that, despite giving constantly to try to make her happy, she rarely returned such gestures. Eventually we broke up. Shortly thereafter, I started dating another girl. Immediately I noticed that she was so much easier to be around. She also gave me the love, affection, words of affirmation, and quality time that I so desired. But it wasn't until a year and a half into our relationship that I realized exactly why my new girlfriend was so incredible. She called me one day to ask me to pick her up from the mechanic's. Her car had broken down and she wasn't able to fix it on her own, so she'd hobbled it into the auto shop and, after being told there would be a four hour wait, decided to call me and ask for a ride. What I realized was that, after a year and a half of dating, this was the FIRST TIME she'd asked me to do ANYTHING for her (she might be a little extreme in her independence. Don't hold everyone to this standard). We've now been together for eight years and married for five. Every day we have a great time because we spend our time giving to each other, working to solve each others' needs. So determine to be a giver and find a giver. By giving to each other, you'll both be fulfilled."