We all know that kids say the darndest things, but somethings the words uttered out of their little mouths are just too perfect. Sassy, smart and definitely hilarious, parents share the times their kids had the ultimate "mic drop" moments.
“One night my wife and I were having a discussion with our 10 year old daughter about the importance of homework, education and her future. The subject came up because she was busted lying about her grades. I asked, ‘Don’t you want to grow up and be successful like me?’ Her response was, ‘Mom doesn’t do anything and she’s got it pretty good'” (Source).
“4 year old wanted to go to the zoo. I didn’t. I told him we would go to the park by the zoo, because that didn’t cost any money. Then I told him I wanted to get coffee first. His response? ‘Oh, so you have money for coffee?’ I was impressed with his very appropriate and timely response. To be clear, I had money for both zoo and coffee. The problem is that my kid wants to leave the zoo after approximately 8 minutes, but still wants to go every single day. I don’t like spending $40 to go to the zoo to leave after 8 minutes. Also, it’s common knowledge among parents to not give your kids what they want all the time. Then they turn into a–holes. Our main job as parents is to not have our kids turn into a–holes” (Source).
He Has A Point.
“My son who was in first grade at the time was able to convince the school that he was diabetic and needed a morning snack and afternoon snack.. I got a call from his teacher asking me to come in for a conference. When I arrived there was the nurse, teacher, principal and a social worker. They started off by saying they didn’t call the welfare department because I couldn’t afford the snacks but because I was putting his life in danger by not informing them and arranging with the nurse to have his sugar tested. When I told them he was not diabetic they were dumbfounded and at that point called the doctor. When the nurse got off the phone she told them to go get my son and she asked him why he lied and he said Anna told me she is diabetic and that’s why she gets snacks twice a day so I thought I would give it a try. Then he said its not my fault you trusted a first grader. I could not force myself to punish him because he was right, they shouldn’t have taken his word. They should have called me immediately. After I explained it all to my husband we just started busting out laughing and I thought, damn this kid is clever. I then called the school and demanded an apology which they promptly gave me and I asked what his punishment was going to be and they said they would let me know soon as they could stop laughing. He never did get that punishment” (Source).
Fat Bottomed Girls.
“My 5-year old daughter asked how our pregnant neighbor’s baby was going to get out and I gave her a brief, but factual, explanation. She was surprised that something so big could pop out of someplace so small, and I confirmed her suspicion that childbirth – including hers – was painful. She shook her head sympathetically and said, “Well it’s too bad babies don’t come out your butt, because yours is so big it wouldn’t hurt at all” (Source).
Where’d It Go?
“My two year old son pointed out that I have a small d–k. We are teaching him what his penis is and a calling it that. So that way if someone molests him down the road he doesn’t say something stupid like, ‘he touched my ding dong.’ We want to know if someone touches his penis. So we are getting out of the shower together, he is wrapped in a towel on the toilet while I dry off. It is very cold and my son says, ‘There’s daddy’s penis!’ I said yes I have one like you and he says, ‘where did it go? Where did it go?’ I had gone full scared turtle mode from the freezing air. I feel like less of a man now” (Source).
A Lil Baller.
“My daughter started wearing glasses at the age of 2. She has a very bad astigmatism which requires a very thick lens. Kids being kids tease her about it but a few of the girls in her class get pretty mean. Last year my daughter was using the bathroom at school when one of the girls that bully her popped her head under the toilet and my daughter kicked her in the face and busted the other girl’s nose. The school tried to actually suspend my daughter. Called me at work and I had to take the rest of the day off to get her home. She was bawling when I got there and of course the other parents were there and f–king livid. They wanted to actually suspend her for a week until she was asked why she did it and she said that it’s not polite to watch people pee. The principal knew then that she would never be able to contest it but still tried to give her disciplinary action and she was sent home early and was told to apologize to the other kid. They brought the other kid in with her parents and before the principal could even say anything my daughter looked at the other kid’s mother intensely and said, ‘you don’t know how to be a good mommy and you made a bad kid’ and stormed out. I gave the parents a ‘she’s right, ya know’ and proceeded to follow her out the door. I had to pretend to be mad, because you don’t hit people, but many ice creams were had that day. She is a baller” (Source).
Little Kids Can Be So Harsh.
“My mother was putting on makeup once when I was a tyke, I asked her what she was doing. She said she was making herself look beautiful. My response: ‘It’s not working'” (Source).
“My 3rd grade daughter describes herself as a “severe geek” and also a “hardcore gamer”. I asked a question about some monster hunter game she was playing, and when she explained I attempted to follow along and engage her by asking another question. As I walked away she snorted and said ‘pleb'” (Source).
“We were taking group photos, me, my husband and his two kids. We all posed for a few, then my 8-year-old stepson says, ‘Okay, now let’s take some with just the family.’ Ouch” (Source).
Let It Go.
“Not a parent, but a student was pissed at me and called me queen Elsa. When I asked him why he said because I was so cold hearted… Tried to be pissed; but that was pretty friggen clever! Haha” (Source).
His New Favorite Line.
“Not my kid, but me in my younger days. When I was younger, my family and I used to watch a show called ‘Chewin’ The Fat,’ a Scottish sketch show. This was when I was around 3 or 4 and it was the day after a new episode had just come out so I was eager to use one of my favourite lines on the show from the previous night. Well, It was coming up for nap time and the nursery teachers were telling everyone to put away their toys and tidy up. I didn’t want to tidy up. The teachers, however, did not like this and told me that if I didn’t help I would have my favourite toy, a transforming Greymon, taken away from me for the day. I was taken aback by such a brutal, unforgiving threat and saw my opportunity to use my favourite line… ‘F–k off, you Nazi Cow.’ Parents were called in. Mother was not pleased. My Dad, however, had to leave the room when she told him because he couldn’t hold in the laughter. He bought me a toy Metal Garurumon” (Source).
Maybe He Meant It As A Compliment…
“Apparently, when I was little I walked up to a friend of my mother’s and said, ‘my you’re looking fat today’ in a nonchalant voice” (Source).
Did I Stutter?
“When I was about four, my mom was getting hardwood floors put in. Apparently, the carpenter was making too much noise because I walked out of my room, put my hands on my hips & asked, ‘What is going on with all this f–king noise?’ He stopped mid hammer swing. My mom turned & stared at me. ‘What did you say?’ she asked. I sighed as though this conversation was beneath me. Then I said, ‘I said, What is going on with all this f–king noise?’ She explained to me that there are things we don’t say & sent me back to my room. Years later, she told me that she was actually impressed that I had used the word correctly” (Source).
You Need To Do Some Research.
“Just this past school year my son told his second grade teacher that, ‘She has no idea what she’s talking about if she thinks Christopher Columbus is a good person.’ And told her to, ‘Do a little research on him.’ I was honestly really really proud that he held his ground on it because he can be shy sometimes” (Source).
Can’t Argue With That Logic.
“When my oldest boy was about 4 years old he liked to visit the toy section whenever we were at the Walmart. This time he starting asking to have some of the toy cars. I told him no, that I had to buy those, and they cost money. Did he have any money? No, he didn’t. Fast forward to a week later and we’re at the store again, looking at the same cars. He again asks to have one. I tell him again that they cost money and unless he had some money, he couldn’t get one. ‘I have money!’ he says confidently. ‘Really?’ I asked. He then pulls out of his pocket about 5 dollars in coins (this is Canada, so that’s not so many coins). ‘Where did you get that?’ I asked. ‘Your pocket,’ he replies. I clue in that he stole my money and was about to get pretty angry when I realized that he didn’t even know that what he did was wrong. He needed money for the cars, so he simply acquired some money. I still didn’t let him get the car, but I was someone impressed by his reasoning. Good opportunity for a lecture on stealing, too” (Source).
“When I was maybe 4 or 5 my parents got a beta fish. I named it Shimmer and year or so later it died, so we got another one. I wanted to named him Shimmer too but my parents told me that’s bad because you don’t name things after things that died. I proceeded to inform them that they’d named me after my dead great grandmother. They let me name the fish Shimmer” (Source).
This Kid Means Business.
“I went to Walmart with my boys the and some guy nearly backed over us in the parking lot. It was bad. Stepson was looking elsewhere and my hands were full with the baby, so I basically smashed him in the chest with the diaper bag to stop his forward movement. As he’s recovering his balance and realizing what happened, the guy is just staring at us like we materialized out of nowhere… And stepson plants his feet and flips him the double bird. Completely calm, confident, full eye contact, and he held it up there for a good three seconds. The kiddo is normally kind of shy with adults. It was like seeing a glimpse of the man he is going to become” (Source).
We Declare This Officially Hilarious.
“Middle kid (8): ‘MUUUUUM! DAAAAD! TIPPED HIS WATER ON MY LUNCH!’ Youngest (5): ‘IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!’ Middle Kid: ‘WAS NOT!’ Youngest: ‘IT WAS SO! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T MEAN IT!’ Eldest (10, chipping in for the first time): ‘How could it possibly have been an accident? You tipped your drink over her lunch while saying ‘I now declare this sandwich officially… wet.” SO HARD to yell at him without laughing. I had to give up and let my wife do it” (Source).
Kids Are Like Sponges.
“Ok, so not my kid but my significantly younger sibling. When she was a young toddler, the family was out to dinner and she accidentally dropped her fork on the ground. As a reflex that she undoubtedly picked up from my mom, she shouted out ‘S–T!’ Clearly, the entire restaurant heard her. My mom was mortified and immediately tried to repair the situation. ‘No! No, baby! That’s not what we say. What do we say?’ she responded, I assume hoping for an ‘uh oh’ or an ‘oops’ or maybe even a ‘sorry.’ But my sister took a moment to think this one through. She dug down deep into her recollection of what mommy would say in that situation, and responded with a clear and resounding ‘F–K!'” (Source).
“Kindergarten teacher wanted a word with us because our son had called a wasp a ‘dirty f–ker.’ Turns out she wasn’t as impressed with his proper usage as I was” (Source).