We all know kids can say some pretty weird stuff, but sometimes what comes out of their little mouths is far beyond just being strange. Whether it be creepy, hilarious or downright disturbing, these kids said some pretty shocking things that took their parents completely by surprise.
What Every Father Dreads.
“I’m a father to some pre-pubescent girls… You know where this is heading, right? My 10yo daughter is fascinated by puberty. The other day I went up to check on them brushing teeth and hair before bed, when she turned to me and asked: ‘So, with the whole penis inside the vagina thing, does it hurt, tickles or do you not feel anything?’ This was accompanied by hand and finger movements. For reference, I blinked only once before answering, ‘Sometimes it may hurt the first time, though not always. Usually it’s considered fun. You’re still not allowed to try anything before you’re 18.’ At which point I joined my wife in the next room, who was giggling in mixed emotions, from shock to schadenfreude at – for once – not being the one put on the spot by the girls” (Source).
The Best Part About Being Five?
“A couple of weeks ago my daughter whispered in my ear: ‘I love being five!’ ‘What do you love about being five?’ I asked, thinking the answer will be something adorably sweet, like having sleepovers with friends, or climbing the fig tree, or riding without training wheels. ‘I love that I can cut things with sharp knives'” (Source).
“This story is about 20 years old, but is still with me. A former co-worker and his wife were expecting their second child together, and she was experiencing a difficult pregnancy. Their 3- year old son started telling his parents during her multiple doctor’s appointments, that his little brother was sick and he couldn’t stay. She ended up losing the baby in her second trimester. A boy. Their son then went on to tell them his little brother is waiting and really wants to be ‘seen.’ She was pregnant again within the year and the now 4- year old was delighted his brother was finally coming to stay, but he was bringing someone else with him, a baby sister but she had the same sickness as baby brother did before. She ended up carrying twins to her 34th week before delivering a boy, shortly before delivering a stillborn baby girl. Their oldest son comforted them and said baby sister would eventually be his daughter. So they would just have to wait to meet her. Big brother would be in his mid- twenties now and I’m intensely curious and slightly terrified” (Source).
“Sometimes, as a parent, you forget stuff. In this case, we were certain that this was the first time we brought our youngest to Disney’s Grand Californian Hotel. We were heading to the pool at the hotel and I happened to be holding the hands of my two oldest kids, Christian (6) and Olivia (5). Our youngest, Violet, was walking behind us with Mom. We had just settled an ongoing debate over sugar intake, my son seems to be training to become a District Attorney, and I needed to change the subject quickly. ME: ‘Remember when we came here before? Wow, Christian, you must have only been 2, and Olivia you were only a few months old. Can you believe that?’ Then Violet pipes in. ‘I remember that.’ We all stop, because she has moments like this. ME: ‘Really’ (smirking). Violet: (matter of fact) ‘Yeah, I remember that because I was in Mommy’s tummy and I could see you from the window.’ My wife and I are doubled over faking injuries so she doesn’t catch us laughing. ME: (composing myself) ‘The window?’ Violet: (all business and convincing) ‘Yes Daddy, right here…’ and she points to my wife’s belly button. Violet: (annoyed) ‘The window! I saw everything'” (Source).
No, All Three Are Great, Thanks.
“My youngest boy (we have 3), who is 3yrs old, once asked my wife: ‘Mommy, It would be better if you had only 2 sons, wouldn’t it?’ It was disturbing to imagine why he had concluded that. He is really welcome, loved and we care a lot about him. We never, ever, said something like this, but certainly we did something that led to this feeling. Not good” (Source).
Time To Quit.
“I regularly babysit two girls, 3 and 5 years old. Both blonde with huge blue eyes and big smiles, they are the creepiest people I have ever met. Once, after I picked them up from daycare, we had just got home and I tried to get them excited for dinner, seeing as they don’t normally eat that much when I’m there. I ask them in an overly excited voice ‘Hey guys, what do you want for dinner?.’ A normal question, I was expecting a normal answer. Boy, was I wrong. The eldest looks at me, runs away and hides behind a corner; sticking her head out, she whispers ‘I want skinned babysitter.’ I have no idea where she learned that word, but she sure knows how to use it…” (Source).
Where Did That Come From?
“I have a creepy story of a child that I used to babysit. I babysat her for about 2 years, from when she was 2 and a half until she was about 4 and a half. She was a blue eyed redhead, who was very cheery and happy-go-lucky, humming at all times, even when she ate. She loved Shrek and other silly things, was a great friend to her playmates and everything, but every once in a while she’d randomly turn to me with a very urgent look on her face and would say (sometimes scream), ‘We’re gonna make it, Melissa! Just don’t give up, because we -ARE – going to make it!’ I’d normally chuckle a bit and say, ‘Ok, I won’t give up.’ And hope she’d assume her normal behavior, but after a few times of this she’d catch on that I wasn’t taking her seriously so she’d grab my shoulders, look into my eyes and ask me earnestly if I understood what she was saying. Once she was convinced, she’d repeat, ‘NEVER give up. Promise? Never give up.’ And then suddenly snap back into her cheery behavior and continued whatever she was doing. It was definitely disturbing. She’d do this in the most random places and did not care who was around. I’d ask her mom if she knew what she meant, but her mom said that she could never get it out of her, so she’d play along just like me” (Source).
No You Will Not!
“When my son was born, my daughter was three years old. From the very beginning, she would say repeatedly, ‘I kill the baby. Mommy it’s ok, I kill the baby.’ This went on for several days and I didn’t know how to respond. It was creeping me out until my mother figured it out. It was her toddler accent / speech issues that made it sound like kill the baby. She was really trying to say she would [take] care [of] the baby, or sometimes that she wanted to carry the baby. She is 6 now and still in speech classes at school but at least she is more clear on the issue of what she wants to do with her baby brother. Now, at almost 3 himself, it’s his turn. His way of asking to do things (‘Can I?’) sounds like ‘Die? Die? Die?'” (Source).
“My Daddy Died.”
“A friend of mine from college, Linda, has a 3 year old daughter (whom I’ll call Jessica). Jessica is an intelligent and very sweet little girl who loves to chat and be the center of attention. She’s a good kid. However, there’s one problem. She’ll tell anyone and everyone who will listen to her about the death of her father. She gets a very serious look on her face, places her little hand over her little heart and proclaim solemnly ‘My daddy died.’ The first time I heard this story, I was sitting with her in the campus garden while we waited for Linda to finish an exam. Jessica was chatting animatedly about this and that, happily playing with her Pikachu plushies and then, suddenly, started to frown. ‘You know what? My daddy died,’ she said, without looking at me. I was stunned. Linda hadn’t mentioned anything to me about Eric, her fiancé, being dead! I questioned Jessica, thinking I’d misheard her. ‘What? What happened to your daddy?’ ‘He died.’ ‘Really? When did he die?’ ‘January,’ she replied, nodding gravely. It was April and, though I hadn’t seen Eric in the flesh since before Christmas, I was sure Linda would have told me if he had died. ‘What happened? How did he die?’ I asked. She told me. ‘He was bad. And momma was sad. It was bad. Then he went away in his car. And you know what else? They flipped him. Yep, flipped daddy. Momma was sad.’ From this toddler’s strangely told tale, I gathered that Eric and Linda had gotten into an argument, leading him to leave and get into a car accident. I didn’t really know what to say to the poor kiddo. She knew about death from time her grandmother passed away last November, so she understood. She seemed to understand that his death was serious but didn’t seem distraught over it. I didn’t want my own reaction to make her sad, so I just kind of hugged her as she continued to twist her Pikachu’s ear. Thankfully, Linda came out of the building 10 minutes later and Jessica perked up immediately as we left. Once we returned to Linda’s apartment after lunch, Jessica was put down for a nap. When I was sure she was sleeping, I carefully asked about Eric. ‘Jessica told me he passed away in January. What happened?’ To my surprise, Linda smacked her forehead, with an irritated ‘Oh my gosh! I told that girl to stop going around telling people that!’ she said, exasperated. Because, you see, Eric is still very much alive. Jessica sees her father every day when he gets home from work. She sees him every morning before she leaves for daycare. They spend the weekends together. Yet she still adamantly tells people that he’s dead. She tells the story exactly the same every time. Apparently, he went to Texas in January for work and Jessica didn’t see him for about 2 weeks. We think this is what triggered the ‘idea’ that he was gone forever, like her grandma and therefore, dead. No one knows what ‘they flipped him’ means or why she keeps telling the story even after his return. Linda is at her wits end and finds it very upsetting, since she’s a little superstitious and believes that with negative words you can speak a tragedy into existence. Eric just thinks it’s hilarious. When he enters a room sometimes, with those of us who have been informed of his ‘passing’ he’ll announce ‘Hey y’all. Don’t mind me, I’m dead,’ or ‘Make way, dead guy coming through'” (Source).
Not Too Fond Of The Human Race.
“I was tutoring a 9 year old boy but his brother (7) was watching TV in the same room. Everyone was cranky that day, and so I was trying hard to choose my battles and not get too nasty or suffocating, wondering if I should tell him to turn the TV off, or be grateful because they were paying attention to educational programming. Then a commercial for a soap opera went on, and he got annoyed with it and turned back to his math work with a scowl on his face. Just when I think he’s about to complain about math, he begins a discourse about how he’s lost his faith in humanity: ‘See? This is why I criticize humanity! Humans are so stupid! That woman is surrounded by people who are telling her the truth, and she won’t believe any of it! But then when one person comes along and tells her a lie, she believes it! I’m ashamed to count myself a human. I wish I were an alien!’ I was so shocked I laughed and applauded! He got more annoyed and said, ‘I’m serious! Humans are f–king morons!'” (Source).
Unexpected, But Impressive.
“Not creepy in the ‘murderous child’ way, but still startling. My son talked late, about 22 months. Late enough that he was tested for autism by a speech therapist. So I’m driving across town with my kid who basically says, ‘bye-bye house,’ and ‘eyebrow.’ We’re in thick traffic, no one going as fast as they like, when a guy in a high-revving Mustang, comes up behind me fast, jinks into the right lane to rush ahead to cut off the guy ahead oh me. I laughed and said, ‘Wow,’ because when you’re a new dad you try to keep it light, especially in traffic. Keep the child alive, set a good example. From the back seat, I hear Max say, very firmly, ‘He want people to notice him and think he cool, because he have spoiler.’ So his first sentence, at less than two years, was a dead-on dismissive psychological profile of a stranger” (Source).
“I took the bus with my 6 year old niece and 4 year old nephew once. My nephew is the sweetest, kindest, easiest to handle 4 year old you can imagine. His sister, on the other hand… where empathy comes naturally to my nephew, it’s something my niece needs practice at. On the way to visiting my parents (their grandparents), my nephew decided to pretend to be a sprinkler, twirling around and around. ‘I’m spraying you with water, Rivi!,’ said my nephew. ‘And I’m spraying you with acid and poison!,’ said my niece, pretending to be holding a hose in front of my face. There was also that time that I babysat a 7 year old boy whose mother was a neglectful drug addict and had been quite recently removed from his life. One day, he said to me, ‘Do you have a mother? I used to have one, but I don’t anymore'” (Source).
An Unexpected Twist.
“My autistic first-born and I were reading a book dedicated to teaching young children about death. The story was about a cute little bird found dead by other animals, laid to rest and life went on with the other animals celebrating it, while remembering the bird’s singing. You know, an appropriate, polished, rather fine book. Upon seeing the bird in his grave before the animals started to throw dirt to cover its body, my son told me, ‘I wish I were dead too.’ I immediately went to traumatized mode, started crying and holding him tightly. We had spent a terrible day with so much yelling, so much shouting, crying, fighting. Like most of our days. Because of me. Because I am a terrible father to this sad, frightened, defenseless and wonderful little boy. I have too much difficulty in coping with his autism, who he is, what he does, what he’s missing out on and how much I have to fight to teach him every tiny little thing the other kids pick up on organically. I immediately assumed he had said that because of all the stress, all the pain and all the sadness I was causing him. Then my boy added, ‘The bird is sleeping. I’m so tired.’ Huh! So he was just telling me he was tired, and this was the way he had found. ‘OK, sweetie, take a nap, I need one too anyway, couldn’t have come at a better time,’ I said” (Source).
Making The Elevator Ride Even More Awkward.
“Years ago. A friend at a party told this story about his kids and I’ve been telling it ever since. It’s just classic. He had decided his children were getting older (maybe a daughter of 8 and a son of 4) and he should start wearing a swim suit when he showered with them. Of course they asked why and he said much the same thing about their getting older and it not being appropriate for him to be naked in the shower with them anymore. Shortly thereafter, he was in an elevator with his wife and kids and his son announced to the whole group that he ‘didn’t want to touch Daddy’s Penis in the shower anyway.’ And they exited the next floor and walked as quickly as they could to outpace CPS. You never know what kids will say” (Source).
“My dad is a retired scientist and still fascinated by all things in the world of math, physics, and astronomy, especially ‘magic’ numbers. When I saw a book called ‘A History of Pi,’ I had to buy it for him for his birthday. I had the book sitting on my nightstand, waiting to be wrapped, and I was playing with my son, who was an infant of about seven months at the time, on the bed next to it. I was holding my son above me and tussling with him a bit. When he caught sight of the book’s cover, with a giant ? on the cover, he stopped for a second, transfixed. He said, as if he were remembering something, ‘Oh, pi.’ Then, just as quickly, he went right back to playing with me” (Source).
WTF Scooby Doo.
“My daughter’s friend’s Dad came in for a cup of tea one day when he came to pick her up. My girl, Izzy, was playing with a toy sword. Ian said to her, ‘You know Izzy, the pen is mightier than the sword.’ Izzy said, ‘I know yeah,’cos you can stab someone in the neck with a pen.’ I asked Iz, ‘What have you been watching where someone got stabbed in the neck with a pen?’ She replied, ‘Scooby Doo.’ I tell you, Scooby Doo isn’t what it used to be” (Source).
The All Seeing Sister.
“My now 10 year old sister was born after a prophetic dream by my dying great grandmother (she saw my mother holding a pink blanket a year before my mom even got pregnant and even said the calendar was on October. My sis was born oct 12) But my sis has dreams that come true. Some of you may remember a few years back a school bus flipped and two kids died in the southern states of the US? Three days before that happened she woke up crying and said ‘The bus crashed, two of the kids died. But one of them saved his friend.’ Three days later the news reported that a bus had crashed and two kids died. a week later they released the video and clearly showed on of the kids who died grabbing his seatmate and putting his body between her and the side of the bus. When she was three (I was 18) she told me to not go to work because she had a dream I was hit by a car. I didn’t think much of it, but she got really upset, so I stayed home, just to keep her calm. The bus I had been planning to ride was sideswiped by a SUV as it unloaded passengers at my stop… Last year she told me she had a dream about a girl who kept hitting me and screaming that I was a monster and she would kill me. Three days later, a girl I dumped for cheating on me attacked me at Walmart. She pulled a knife and tried to stab me in the face. Those are just the more… unnerving ones. There are a lot of others” (Source).
The “Other” Family.
“My daughter was 3 and talking about a fire at our house that she was in when the babysitter was minding her. I told her ‘but Yasmin you never had a babysitter look after you and we never had a fire.’ ‘No mummy, not when you was my mummy. When I had a different mummy and daddy.’ She said a lot of strange things pertaining to a life that is not ours” (Source).
“Long before I had kids of my own, a colleague with a very young son told me a story about his friend’s son. This friend’s son was no more than 3-yrs old, and – as you do – was sitting in the back of the car at a traffic light with his dad driving. Dad was fumbling around looking for a CD while the light was on Red. He didn’t notice that the light had changed, and after a few seconds a little voice pipes up from the back … ‘Doesn’t get any greener, a–hole!’ Fast forward a few years, and my own daughter is in the backseat of my car (4-years old, on her way to nursery school). Mother-in-law in the front seat, stuck in traffic, I hear this voice pipe up, ‘We might actually get there if it wasn’t for this f–king truck in front of us.’ Doesn’t beat the, ‘I didn’t touch daddy’s penis’ in an elevator, but both were pretty eye opening experiences about how easily kids pick up things we say” (Source).
“A small child once approached me in a grocery store and told me ‘Tomorrow when you go to school, don’t go down the corridor next to the music room.’ She then walked away like nothing had happened. I went to school, but on some instinct I listened to this kid and stayed away from the music corridor. Later the fire alarms went off and we had to evacuate the school. Turns out that the fire had started in the cooking room, which was in the music corridor. Anyone who had been in that corridor at that time would have been toast. (Luckily the only one harmed was the school rabbit.)” (Source).
Not That Kind…
“My girlfriend’s roommate babysits a young girl, Anna, regularly (she’s about 6). One day I was sitting in the living room waiting for my girlfriend to get ready while Anna was playing. Anna asked if I would draw pictures with her and of course, having no reason to say no, I agreed. A few moments later my girlfriend walks downstairs and grabs a glass of water. Anna runs to her, shows my girlfriend the picture she drew of a wedding ring, points to me and enthusiastically exclaims, ‘we made love!’ My girlfriend and I exchanged horrified looks before realizing what Anna meant before bursting out laughing” (Source).
This Girl Doesn’t Mess Around.
“My sister-in-law didn’t speak until she was well over 3 (my in-laws had another child late in life). She could understand everything you said to her, but she wouldn’t speak at all. I cannot stress enough how little to non-existent her speech was. One day, her uncle started baby-talking her. ‘Who’s a cute little girl? Aren’t you a cute little girl?’ continuing in a one-sided conversation for a good 5 minutes. When he was done, as there was no response, she calmly stared at him for a while, and finally uttered: ‘Uncle, you’re pathetic.’ But there are a lot of creepier stories starring her. She once told her dad, as he was leaving the house: ‘Dad, you’re going to fall.’ My father-in-law laughed and assured her there was no danger of him falling. As soon as he stepped outside the door, he fell. She then said ‘Dad, watch out, you’re going to fall again.’ As soon as he got up and started walking he fell again. She laughed and left” (Source).
What?! Nope. Big Ol’ Nope.
“‘Let’s f–k!’ ‘Um… wtf, no.’ ‘Come oooooon, let’s f–k!’ ‘I said no.’ attempts to jump me I was 15. He was 4. Four. He obviously didn’t get to do anything, and I went to his mom (who was chatting in another room with my mom) and told her he was misbehaving, and then I went out for a walk. I don’t think I told either of the two adults what he said, possibly because I was still at an age when anything sex-related was a no-no topic between me and adults. But it was creepy as hell, and felt really disturbing. Especially because he really seemed to know what he was saying, and meaning it too” (Source).