Here are some of the stupidest things an ex has said to try to win someone back. P.S. it didn't work
Don’t Lie
“Broke up with ex yet she would still text me constantly. One day she tells me she has cancer and is in need of immediate surgery. I ask her what’s specifically and she tells me she has cervical cancer. I ask for facts and she throws some at me. What she neglected to remember was that I worked in medicine. In a surgical unit. With two OBGYN’S. I helped them daily preforming the exact surgery she said she ‘needed’. When she was done I replied with a very long text detailing how everything she said wasn’t factual. Never heard from her again.” Source
That’s Not How It Works
“‘I miss you so much, I’m sorry for everything I did. Please give me another chance, move back in. You’ll see. I’ve changed’. I said no, and then I got the following: ‘I took your virginity so that means you have to come back to me. You belong to me and you always will. Leave him or I will make you.'” Source
Detective
“Had a cheating girl friend tell me she, ‘inspected the guys penis really well to make sure he didn’t have any signs of disease’. That made me feel a lot better obviously.” Source
Freakyyy
“Him: ‘Just talk to me and tell me why.’ Me: ‘Because it’s not working and I’m not happy.’ Him: ‘But I’ve changed! It’ll be different!’ Me: ‘No. I’ve made my decision, I’m done. We are over.’ Him: ‘Is there somebody else? If there is, just tell me. Just tell me who he is! Tell me who you’re f_*king!’ Me: ‘I’m not doing this, you’re acting crazy. I’m hanging up.’ Him: ‘If you hang up on me I will kill myself!’ Me: ‘Stop this. You can’t guilt me into staying on the phone. Now I’ve got sh_t to do, I have to go.’ Him: ‘What do you have to do? You’re just standing in your living room talking to me on the phone. You don’t look very busy to me. I can see you, you know.’ It was a long distance relationship, he lived in a town across the state. Stalking is not flattering, it’s terrifying.” Source
Run Forest Run
“‘I just miss the boy I used to know,’ then she turned around and walked away. She later texted me, ‘I wanted you to run after me’.” Source
Thanks?
“I promise I won’t try to stab you again.” Source
Hmmm No Thanks
“She cheated. I said so long, get out of my house. She did, moved in with this guy. She showed up a few weeks later with her cat and some belongings and said she made a mistake, wants me back because she ‘needs me to take care of her’. Sorry, what? You’re trying to move in while cheating on me and simultaneously asking me to pamper you?” Source
You Have A Problem
“A month after we had broken up, I started dating a new guy. My ex told me that he would cut his hair to look like the new guy’s, dress like the new guy, and act exactly like the new guy if I got back with him.” Source
Wowwww
“My abusive ex-husband sent me a long, impersonal email three years after I left him. My favorite part was: ‘We should get back together. I don’t want to be with you, but by some miracle of God, I might grow to tolerate or even enjoy your company’. He was serious. I laughed for about two minutes and then sent screenshots to my boyfriend.” Source
Come On Ken
“Broke up with douche bag ex while in Mexico with my mom. MY MOM. He said I cheated on him and told me my dad died to get away from my spoiled princess ways. He spent the next 6 hours calling me and my mom trying to win me back. Roaming charges were disgusting so we didn’t answer or read the texts. Way too expensive. Finally my mom got pissed and answered the phone. He was breathing heavy. My mom asked what he wanted. He said, ‘I just want to talk to her. You have to let me talk.’ My mom said, ‘fine. Talk.’ He said, ‘all Sarah had to do was’ And then my mom hung up cause she didn’t want to hear more about what I did wrong. After reading over a hundred texts about what I did wrong, how awful I was, how much he misses me, the girl he slept with, the lies he told me, the apologies for the lies, the endless litany of how he’ll change etc, etc I turned off my phone and didn’t turn it on until the next morning. That morning I had almost a hundred missed calls and 18 voice mails. I didn’t listen to any of them. F**K YOU KEN.” Source
OMG
“‘… you can even stick it in my aif you want to…’ after I dumped her for cheating. I responded with ‘No matter which of your holes I’d stick it into, I’d always be fking an a**hole…'” Source
That’s A Little To Much
“I once dated this guy who literally carved my name into his hand. He said he did it because he couldn’t afford a tattoo. And when I broke up with him for it he said ‘but, your name is carved into my hand!!’ I’m not sure if that was suppose to me me stay, or if he at that moment, realized how stupid he was.” Source
That’s An Exaggeration
“If we break up, it’s just a matter of time before you ask for your laptop back and I use it for school so I’m going to have to drop out and my kids are going to be raised in poverty. Do you really want that on your conscience!?” Source
The Cake
“He decided to make a grand gesture for my birthday which was about 6 months after the break up. He had a cake made in the shape of Australia. He had it shipped to me in a locked steamer trunk. (Keys in the card) All of this was based off of a line from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long blog: ‘she may cry but her tears will dry when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia’. This is after I found out that I was the other woman, and I had started to date someone else. It was just painfully awkward. Side note : the cake was dry.” Source
Last Chance
“My phone rings ‘Hey just wanted to let you know that I’m getting married this afternoon and I’m pregnant so now is your last chance…’ 2 years later my phone rings ‘Hey, I’m pregnant again and getting married again…this is your real last chance…'” Source
She’s Insane
“A girl once tried to make me feel sorry for her and told me that she cut herself because of me breaking up with her. It didn’t quite work, but it really made me go quite insane thinking that if she did something even more dangerous, people would start to point fingers. In other words, if I would’ve dated her again, it wouldn’t be to make her happy, it would just make me feel reassured that I wouldn’t be the cause of a death. Never went out with her, but she kept telling people that I was verbally abusing her. Stopped talking to her. After a while, rumors died. She moved. It was done with.” Source
I Understand Now
“Finally broke up with him after three years. His big gesture to get me back (an e-mail about how he couldn’t live without me) ended as follows: ‘I get now that you’re not a whore. That’s why I treated you the way I did. I thought you were a whore, but now I see you’re not.’ Wow… Be still my beating heart!” Source
There’s A Better Way To Express This
“I would have treated you better, except I thought you’d never leave me!” Source
Just Kidding
“‘I’m just kidding. We are not really broken up’. Me: wtf no sorry that’s not how this works. Here’s some more info. She broke up with me over the phone, during which I tried to rationalize why, how, what went wrong, etc. I talked with her for a good 30 minutes at least but she was content on saying sorry it’s over. I rationalized and accepted and was ready to move on. Heart tender obviously since the relationship was real for me at the time. At this point is when she said ‘just kidding. We are not really broken up. I was just testing you to see if you would fight for the relationship’. I about lost my sh*t. No. No that’s not how any of this works. I hate to break it to you, but your plan backfired. We really are broken up, because you do NOT test me like this. Not like this.” Source