Clubbing is all kinds of fun until you reach a certain age. But how do you know when you're too old for the clubs? You start having the following thoughts:
Starting your night at 10 p.m. seems WAY too late.
"Shouldn't I be getting ready for bed instead?"
You feel gypped paying a $20 cover to get into hell.
"Seriously I'm paying $10 a drink why is this necessary?"
The lights start to give you seizures.
"Quick someone get my epilepsy pen! Oh wait…."
You have no idea what song is playing or how everyone knows all the words.
"Was this on the 'Now That's What I Call Music Vol. 100 CD'?"
You question what kids are wearing these days.
"Is that actual clothing or a gum wrapper?"
Doing test tube shots no longer seems appealing.
"You're body shouldn't be a freaking science experiment!"
You wonder if they serve your favorite brand of chardonnay.
"I need that steel-barreled not oak-barreled, OK?"
Shoving and shouting to get a drink has lost its sparkle.
"I'm paying for this, so why do I have to work so hard?"
You watch people down five shots in 10 minutes and wonder how they’re still alive.
"I'm just gonna go ahead and call 9-1-1."
You question how anyone is enjoying the music this loud.
"I think I just blew an eardrum. Yup, pretty sure blood is dripping out my ear."
You feel compelled to hand out condoms just for the way people are dancing
"What so wrong with doing the waltz? Maybe a little salsa. Ummm…zumba?"
Then you feel compelled to get tested the next day just for being there.
"A thousands showers won't make me clean again."
Claustrophobia begins to settle in.
"Deep breaths….deep breaths. OMG, NOPE!"
You’re head begins to throb from your one drink.
"Shoot I forgot to bring my aspirin. Maybe that kid with the glow stick has an extra pill."
You worry your face will be frozen in the look of horror that you’ve had since you’ve walked in.
"Every muscle in my face hurts."
Fantasies of your couch and Netflix fill your head.
"All I want to do is binge watch 'Parks and Rec' right now."
It’s past midnight and you start to panic.
"IF I DON'T GET IN BED BY 1 A.M. MY WHOLE DAY TOMORROW WILL BE RUINED!"
Going home and straight to bed never sounded so good.
You realize you are never leaving your house again.
"I was such a fool."