It's amazing how a few simple words can take an ordinary evening out with a potential love interest into literally the date from
What A Great Way To Break The Ice.
“On the date, ‘Well, actually, I have a boyfriend, who’s a state cop.’ And, you’re on a date with someone else why, exactly? There was no second date. And then, three months later, a text from her: ‘My friend stole a UPS truck last night and I don’t know what to do.’ Fortunately, I did know exactly what to do: block and delete.” (Source).
Really??
“Them: ‘What do you want to do tonight?’ Me: ‘Um, you asked me out for dinner, sooo…probably eat.’ Them: ‘I already ate.'” (Source).
That’s A Whole Lot Of Nope.
“On a first date: ‘My great-grandfather’s name is Mario, my grandfather’s name is Mario, my dad’s Mario, I’m Mario, and if you don’t mind, I’ll be naming our child Mario.’ (Source).
No, It’s Definitely Not Alright.
“‘If it’s all right with you, can we go to your house? My husband doesn’t leave for work for another hour.’ This was our third date , I had no clue. (Source).
Worst Than, “I’ll Just Get A Side Salas.”
“‘I’m a vegan, so I can’t eat anything on this menu.’ You picked this restaurant, Dopey!” (Source).
An Hour??
“Not a quote from the date itself, mostly because she said next to nothing for the entire date, spending most of her time on her f–king phone. An hour after I got up and walked right out the door, ‘hey wherd u go, r u comin bak?’ An hour! By that time I was already home, balls-deep in some fine pornography.” (Source).
Keeping It Classy.
“My worst ever date had many memorable quotes. Two examples were, ‘I’ve got a hole in my stomach that I have to insert a tube in to pee through’ and ‘I can suck you off the toilet if you like?'” (Source).
Wait, what?!
“It’s between two….from the same guy, on the same night: ‘I’ve got a big box of dildos in my closet’ or ‘I could kill you and keep you alive.'” (Source).
NOT OKAY.
“Them: ‘So you don’t want to have sex?’ Me: ‘This is the first time we’ve actually hung out, so no.’ Them: ‘Is it okay if I finish off in the corner then?’ My first date… Took a long time before I went on another one.” (Source).
No, Not Hypocritical At All.
“Them: ‘The problem with this country is all the f–king immigrants.’ Me: ‘But you’re from Iran!’ Them: ‘I know, but that was like ten years ago.’ (Source).
That Escalated Quickly.
“Her: ‘So I kind of lied about when I said eh, sometimes I’ll smoke, but not a ton…’ Me: ‘What? Like you smoke weed more often than that? I don’t really care.’ Her: ‘Well, sometimes I will occasionally do heroin, every once in a while, on Saturdays…'” (Source).
Why Did This Date Last So Long For All This Crazy To Come Out?
“All from the same date: While cuddling me in a movie theatre, ‘I have a boyfriend.’ ‘These scars? These are from my suicide attempt Monday’ (it was Friday). ‘Have you ever seen a spirit? I see them all the time. An old man lives with my boyfriend and he has a wolf. We should go get a Ouija board!’ ‘Let me show you my favorite bar game. I yell random names at the bartender until I get it right.’ (Source).
Like, OMG.
“Three for the price of one: (Repeating a discussion about dating tactics with her friend) ‘..and she suggested I should just get pregnant by the next attractive guy I want to keep. It sounded like a great idea.’ (giggle). ‘I don’t think women should work unless they want to. Looking pretty all the time is a full-time job. Those ugly dykes are the exception, tho.’ ‘Why would anyone complain about your boss groping you? It just means you are really hot.’ (Source).
He Needs To Work On His Transitions.
“‘You don’t have earl grey teabags? That’s so council estate.’ About a minute later. ‘Can I f–k you in the arse in a bit?’ First date, never had anything physical happen. He was strangely obsessed with his mum. He never f–ked me in the arse.” (Source).
So, So Wrong.
‘”I’ve only been single for so long because this girl didn’t like when I fingered her and then she just HAD to tell ALL her friends.’ Upon clarification, ‘She said no, but she was in an elevator with me. Why did she get in the elevator?'” (Source).
Slooooow Down Buddy.
“‘I love you!’ The guy whispered that in my ear on our second (and last) date, during our first (and only) makeout session.” (Source).
That Was Strangely Causal.
“First Date: ‘Oh I’ve just thrown up all over the kitchen floor, but I don’t like vomit, can you go and clean it up for me?’ I did. Cos I’m an adult. But there was no 2nd date. Although she kept on calling.” (Source).
Pig With A Capital P.
“‘Your boobs are massive I hope they swing down like udders so I can suck on them’ WITHIN 5 MINS of meeting me. When I said that was inappropriate he told me I wasn’t used to “real men” and was a princess who needed keeping in line. I picked his pint up poured it over his head and left.” (Source).
Racist Much?
“‘You’re definitely Chinese. How are you not Chinese?!’ I’m 100% Irish and no matter how many times I stressed this, he would not give up.” (Source).