"My wife occasionally tries to make visual contact with my butthole. She's never made any kind of sexual advance in that sense. Just, every once in awhile, I'll catch her sneaking up on me when I'm naked or changing with this goofy look on her face. I'm sure she only does this because I act super self-conscious of my butt area. Usually, I'll notice her and run away giggling.
She's hasn't yet been able to confirm, visually, whether or not I actually have a butthole, which I guess means I'm winning" (Source)
"I was asleep one night, many moons ago, when I woke up to find my wife laying next to me with thick rope she had bought from the hardware store. She was teaching herself how to tie the perfect noose...for Halloween decorations...in September...at 3am.
A few years later and I'm still alive...so I have that going for me.
Her perfect noose ended up hanging from a tree branch overlooking our driveway. My constant reminder leaving and coming home from work that I'm living with an assassin" (Source)
"One night my spouse got up to get water just as I was starting to fall asleep. When she came back in the room, she crawled around the bed to my side, and licked my hand, which was dangling over the edge of the bed. I woke up thinking a dog was in the room, saw her crouching down there and jumped out of the bed. I couldn't even speak for a minute because of how much it scared me while she just rolled around on the floor, laughing hysterically" (Source)
"My girlfriend is incredibly talkative in her sleep. She usually says funny s--t like, 'Tell that jalapeño to put some pants on!' But sometimes the stuff she does gets pretty creepy. One time I was on my iPad and she started laughing in this really thin, stiff, creepy horror movie kind of way and then jolted up (still fully asleep). She proceeded to look around the room pointing and laughing at things in the same creepy way. I could see her actually moving her head, seeing something new each time. I asked her (since she is very awake in a lucid dream state) what she is laughing at...she says, 'All the little kids in the room are laughing at me.' Typing it out, it doesn't sound that creepy, but I was so freaked out I jumped up and bolted to turn on the lights. Didn't sleep that well that night" (Source)
"My wife has muttered in her sleep before. Nothing very intelligible. But one night, about a year ago, I came in after she was already asleep, and started getting undressed.
'Hi honey!' she says in the cheeriest, most awake voice you can imagine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't faintly hoped, at this point, that I might be about to get lucky.
'Hi? What are you still doing awake? It's after midnight.'
No answer. I put on my pajamas.
'Honey?' she says, as if to get my attention.
'You're gonna burn...'
I slept with one eye open that night. She did not remember in the morning" (Source)
"My wife will hide for quite a while to scare the s--t out of me; I mean 10-20 minutes to catch me off guard. For a while, it happened whenever I got out of the shower.
It got so bad that I would creep out of the shower and look for her all over the house, in nothing but a towel and a judo pose. There were a few times I searched all over the house only to find out she had left to go shopping" (Source)
"My wife has problems sleeping and tends to talk (mumble) in her sleep. The worst, however, is when she sits bolt upright screaming. This happens once or twice a year. I've also woken up to her kneeling on her pillow, batting at something on the wall, and making frustrated sounds" (Source)
"My wife occasionally talks in her sleep. About a month into dating her, I was woken up by her telling me that sometimes she likes to 'take d--ks and snap them like this,' complete with a motion not too dissimilar to breaking a pencil in half. Thankfully, my d--k remains unsnapped to this day" (Source)
"My wife and I used to own Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock standups. Sometimes, when I was in the shower, she would take the standup and quietly set it outside the shower curtain, so that when I opened it, BAM, there Mr. Spock would be. Kirk, being the creeper that he is, often stood over me while I slept, and I would wake up to Kirk's happy, smirking mug right above me" (Source)
"My wife will sometimes mumble or talk very incoherently in her sleep. Usually it's more or less gibberish and can even be cute. BUT, one night about a year ago, I kinda half woke up in the middle of the night and rolled over and found my wife on her side, facing away from me. I, of course, took this as a perfect opportunity to spoon. I scooted over behind her and just as I put my arm around her she shrugged me off, almost instinctively. Not think much of it, I waited for a second and tried again. Slightly re-positioning myself I went to scoop her up again, this time however, she didn't simply shrug me off. Nope, this time, just as I made contact with her, she threw my arm off as she sat up, turned to me wide eyed, and said in an almost demonic voice, "DON'T YOU F---ING TOUCH ME!" Then she immediately rolled back onto her side motionless. Nearly s---ing myself, I pretty much vaulted to the opposite edge of the bed, where I stayed the rest of the night.
The best part? The next morning I awoke in a near panic to her trying to spoon me. Asking as to why I was so squirmy, I told her what had happened during the night. She began to laugh hysterically saying she doesn't remember. To this day, I always poke her before I try to cuddle during the night" (Source)
"My wife has long dark hair. She likes to hang it over her face like the girl from the Grudge/The Ring and lean on the outside of the bathroom door when I'm in there taking a shower. She usually sits down on the floor and waits. I'll open the bathroom door and she'll crumple in like a corpse without making any noise. So I'll see some movement out of the bottom corner of my eye, then my brain will kick in and think something is attacking my feet, then I'll scream like a crazy man and she'll die laughing on the floor. Then I'll be paranoid for a month or two, then she'll do it 10 months later, when my guard is completely down" (Source)
"I will speak for my husband. I am a sleepwalker/talker and right after our son was born, I would have very vivid dreams. One morning, I woke up to a butcher knife on my night stand. I had a dream someone wanted to hurt my baby and I was having none of that. Scared the s--- out of us. I made him hide all the knives for years. When I needed one to cook, I would leave the room so he could retrieve one (as I did not want to know where they were)" (Source)